(no subject)
Right now I have some friends (lj and real life) that are having problems with their families. This has me thinking back to the 2 biggest issues I have had with my family.
The first, which I have thought of, but not indepth, was when at 16 years old I ran away from home with a 21 year old man. On my part it was pure immaturity and inability to face conflict (which I still suffer from... although I have gained some maturity...LOL). On my parents part it was quite a few issues. The first of which was inflexibility. When my parents laid down the law (which they did quite frequently) there was never any room for an argument from us. It just was what it was. At the time my mother had told me that I was restricted to seeing my boyfriend (the 21 year old man) just on weekends. No other explanation other than you are seeing to much of him. I was a good kid, I was in all honors classes and doing well. I didn't drink (ok... I didn't drink often), didn't smoke, didn't stay out past my curfew. The second issue was my parents letting their 16 year old daughter date a 21 year old man. I look at Tony (17) and I can't imagine him dating anyone younger than maybe 2 years younger than him... I cant imagine the issues a 21 year old man has, who can only hook up with a 16 year old high school girl. The third is I don't think my parents recognized that any feelings I had for him, although they weren't meant to last a lifetime, were very real.
The other time I have had a big family issue was when I was 19 and found out I was pregnant. I knew from my father that he would never let me stay at home and have a child (too many of his sisters did that), looking back now though, I think he probably would have, he just said that to scare me... and it did... it didn't scare me to not have sex, but it scared me to not count on him. So I found out I was pregnant, doug and I went and bought rings and applied for a marriage license the next day. That night I told my mother. I picked my mother because she was the gentle accepting one in the family. I was going to let doug tell my father because I thought he should feel the wrath that I had felt my whole life. So I get home at my curfew and I am trying to tell my mother. She figures it out without my actual saying it, I just confirm. She begins to wail. (I had never seen my mother cry) Doug didn't really love me. How could I do this to her? I could go have an abortion (my mother who went to mass everyday!!!). I could go live with my aunts and give the baby up for adoption. I could go away somewhere... anywhere ... and give the baby up for adoption. I was ruining my life. Doug could never make me happy. He didnt really love me. She couldn't stand by and let this happen. She wouldn't go to the wedding. She wasn't telling my father. Doug didn't really love me. I could still get an abortion. And so on and so forth for hours.
The next night Doug went to tell my father. We stopped on the way and he drank a few beers (should have been a sign then that he was an alcoholic) and then headed to my house. Doug went into the living room and told my dad
"Cyndi and I love each other. We are going to get married"... he paused... "oh, and cyndi's pregnant" My dad looked at him and said "I want to kick the shit out of you. The only reason I'm not going to is because you started this whole conversation with the fact that you love my daughter. You know you have put her entire life on hold for at least 18 years now."
The next day we got married on dougs lunch break. I didn't expect anyone to be there, my mom did show up and she took me shopping for household stuff. I spend my wedding night at my parents... doug (although he did get the rest of the day off of work) spent the night at the barracks because I couldn't get up the nerve to ask my parents if my husband could spend the night.
My mother never spoke of that night again. And she embraced doug as a member of the family and loved Tony (the baby) with every essence of her being. Tony does not know that I was pregnant when I got married. My father never really accepted doug but tolerated him. He didn't come visit me at the hospital when either Tony or 4 years later jacob was born. He loved them, but was never good with kids (mine or his own). It is just recently (meaning the last 10 years)since my mom died that he has become the gentle loving father I wish I had when I was growing up, but that I am thankful my children have a good, healthy relationship with.
So to my lj friend who might read this and to my real life friend, who I know never will, I am thinking of you both often and I hope that your family issues will be resolved in some way, shape, or form, and allow your lives to become happier and healthier.
The first, which I have thought of, but not indepth, was when at 16 years old I ran away from home with a 21 year old man. On my part it was pure immaturity and inability to face conflict (which I still suffer from... although I have gained some maturity...LOL). On my parents part it was quite a few issues. The first of which was inflexibility. When my parents laid down the law (which they did quite frequently) there was never any room for an argument from us. It just was what it was. At the time my mother had told me that I was restricted to seeing my boyfriend (the 21 year old man) just on weekends. No other explanation other than you are seeing to much of him. I was a good kid, I was in all honors classes and doing well. I didn't drink (ok... I didn't drink often), didn't smoke, didn't stay out past my curfew. The second issue was my parents letting their 16 year old daughter date a 21 year old man. I look at Tony (17) and I can't imagine him dating anyone younger than maybe 2 years younger than him... I cant imagine the issues a 21 year old man has, who can only hook up with a 16 year old high school girl. The third is I don't think my parents recognized that any feelings I had for him, although they weren't meant to last a lifetime, were very real.
The other time I have had a big family issue was when I was 19 and found out I was pregnant. I knew from my father that he would never let me stay at home and have a child (too many of his sisters did that), looking back now though, I think he probably would have, he just said that to scare me... and it did... it didn't scare me to not have sex, but it scared me to not count on him. So I found out I was pregnant, doug and I went and bought rings and applied for a marriage license the next day. That night I told my mother. I picked my mother because she was the gentle accepting one in the family. I was going to let doug tell my father because I thought he should feel the wrath that I had felt my whole life. So I get home at my curfew and I am trying to tell my mother. She figures it out without my actual saying it, I just confirm. She begins to wail. (I had never seen my mother cry) Doug didn't really love me. How could I do this to her? I could go have an abortion (my mother who went to mass everyday!!!). I could go live with my aunts and give the baby up for adoption. I could go away somewhere... anywhere ... and give the baby up for adoption. I was ruining my life. Doug could never make me happy. He didnt really love me. She couldn't stand by and let this happen. She wouldn't go to the wedding. She wasn't telling my father. Doug didn't really love me. I could still get an abortion. And so on and so forth for hours.
The next night Doug went to tell my father. We stopped on the way and he drank a few beers (should have been a sign then that he was an alcoholic) and then headed to my house. Doug went into the living room and told my dad
"Cyndi and I love each other. We are going to get married"... he paused... "oh, and cyndi's pregnant" My dad looked at him and said "I want to kick the shit out of you. The only reason I'm not going to is because you started this whole conversation with the fact that you love my daughter. You know you have put her entire life on hold for at least 18 years now."
The next day we got married on dougs lunch break. I didn't expect anyone to be there, my mom did show up and she took me shopping for household stuff. I spend my wedding night at my parents... doug (although he did get the rest of the day off of work) spent the night at the barracks because I couldn't get up the nerve to ask my parents if my husband could spend the night.
My mother never spoke of that night again. And she embraced doug as a member of the family and loved Tony (the baby) with every essence of her being. Tony does not know that I was pregnant when I got married. My father never really accepted doug but tolerated him. He didn't come visit me at the hospital when either Tony or 4 years later jacob was born. He loved them, but was never good with kids (mine or his own). It is just recently (meaning the last 10 years)since my mom died that he has become the gentle loving father I wish I had when I was growing up, but that I am thankful my children have a good, healthy relationship with.
So to my lj friend who might read this and to my real life friend, who I know never will, I am thinking of you both often and I hope that your family issues will be resolved in some way, shape, or form, and allow your lives to become happier and healthier.