the story so far
So here I am, in Madrid. Flopped down on my bed without a bedframe, in the piso that I can´t wait to move out from, and feeling wholly unsettled, to be honest. Eating Reece´s Pieces, a purchase from the airport in Philadelphia a month and a half ago that I managed to hold off opening for quite some time... and now, since they don´t sell those in this country, I am super happy to have them.
Feeling a little off these days, to be completely honest. I came here with the intention that I was going to be doing something.... setting off on a big adventure, learning tons of things, being responsible for teaching english to young vibrant minds, meeting loads of people and having the time of my life. Overall, a pretty good repeat of how much fun I had the last time I was here, just with a little bit more work.
And now I´m feeling like I´m doing a lot of wasting my time, unfortunately. Part of me isn´t ready to start a career yet, but part of me feels like there are so many other worthwhile things I could be doing with the time that I´m here. I think the master´s classes at the university are not "Master´s" level, and it seems like a bullshit way for the Institute that I´m studying in to make some extra money off some students. Working at the colegio (elementary school) is pretty fun, and at least I have a job I´m getting paid for (meagerly) but when they say I´m working "25 hours", they don´t count the massive amount of time I DON´T get paid for (we have a half hour break every day from 1030 to 11, then two hours for lunch from 1230 to 230.... so technically, I´m there for 8 hours a week that I can´t possibly get paid for since everyone is on break. I work Monday, Tuesday and Thursday from 9 to 5, and Wednesday and Friday from 9 to 12:30. If this was the US, I would be working 32 hours, right? Nope. Anyway, so I´m tired all the time, which makes me unmotivated to do anything, which makes me feel like I´m wasting my time when I should be exploring an absolutely beautiful city. Furthermore, a lot of my friends are in Alcalá, but it doesn´t make sense for me to live there, or to go there all the time.... and I had the whole first month here tainted by interpersonal issues between Pedro and I, eventually ending in us not necessarily being together, so I feel like I´ve lost one of my best friends. But even THAT is complicated, since when we do see each other..... well, it´s great, but I know he´s not good for me and we need to not. Additionally, the rest of my friends are aaaaaaaaall spread out over the city, and hence, me being unmotivated and lacking funds to call them (since cell phones are EXPENSIVE!) it´s a little lonely.
Which leaves me a bit lonely, depressed..... and chubby, since my lack of motivation has caused me to not want to go out running much at all since I moved away from Alcalá.
Is this just living in a big city? Is it homesickness? Or just a general feeling of discomfort, that I don´t belong here and honestly I´m not sure where I belong any more.
I haven´t spent much time alone in the last year and a half, and maybe that´s also contributing to this and I´m beginning to feel the after effects of everything that happened with my Dad.
I can´t wait to see Selena in December, and part of me wishes I had enough money to come home to Florida just for a few days in December........ and my whole self wishes I could figure out what the hell I want to o with my life and rediscover the motivation toj ust DO it.
So thats the truth.
Feeling a little off these days, to be completely honest. I came here with the intention that I was going to be doing something.... setting off on a big adventure, learning tons of things, being responsible for teaching english to young vibrant minds, meeting loads of people and having the time of my life. Overall, a pretty good repeat of how much fun I had the last time I was here, just with a little bit more work.
And now I´m feeling like I´m doing a lot of wasting my time, unfortunately. Part of me isn´t ready to start a career yet, but part of me feels like there are so many other worthwhile things I could be doing with the time that I´m here. I think the master´s classes at the university are not "Master´s" level, and it seems like a bullshit way for the Institute that I´m studying in to make some extra money off some students. Working at the colegio (elementary school) is pretty fun, and at least I have a job I´m getting paid for (meagerly) but when they say I´m working "25 hours", they don´t count the massive amount of time I DON´T get paid for (we have a half hour break every day from 1030 to 11, then two hours for lunch from 1230 to 230.... so technically, I´m there for 8 hours a week that I can´t possibly get paid for since everyone is on break. I work Monday, Tuesday and Thursday from 9 to 5, and Wednesday and Friday from 9 to 12:30. If this was the US, I would be working 32 hours, right? Nope. Anyway, so I´m tired all the time, which makes me unmotivated to do anything, which makes me feel like I´m wasting my time when I should be exploring an absolutely beautiful city. Furthermore, a lot of my friends are in Alcalá, but it doesn´t make sense for me to live there, or to go there all the time.... and I had the whole first month here tainted by interpersonal issues between Pedro and I, eventually ending in us not necessarily being together, so I feel like I´ve lost one of my best friends. But even THAT is complicated, since when we do see each other..... well, it´s great, but I know he´s not good for me and we need to not. Additionally, the rest of my friends are aaaaaaaaall spread out over the city, and hence, me being unmotivated and lacking funds to call them (since cell phones are EXPENSIVE!) it´s a little lonely.
Which leaves me a bit lonely, depressed..... and chubby, since my lack of motivation has caused me to not want to go out running much at all since I moved away from Alcalá.
Is this just living in a big city? Is it homesickness? Or just a general feeling of discomfort, that I don´t belong here and honestly I´m not sure where I belong any more.
I haven´t spent much time alone in the last year and a half, and maybe that´s also contributing to this and I´m beginning to feel the after effects of everything that happened with my Dad.
I can´t wait to see Selena in December, and part of me wishes I had enough money to come home to Florida just for a few days in December........ and my whole self wishes I could figure out what the hell I want to o with my life and rediscover the motivation toj ust DO it.
So thats the truth.