almost midnight
i forget how to use an lj cut and i cant find it anywhere... someone enlighten me?
my friend jill is coming over to watch movies... not a typical night in brooklyn when a friend comes by this late. especially in winter. fucking freezing outside tonight. had a good time anyway, and im glad to be holed up at home with a space heater and my home to myself.
another relationship changing. it seems these days that nothing holds much ground. ive always been a person with a handful of close friends and a shitload of acquaintences. lately most of the close ones are unsteady and im having to let others get to know me better and let people show up for me, which is damned uncomfortable. everything is changing. feels so cliche to say that, and with metaphysics in mind, just plain obvious... but what can i do? somedays i feel it more than others.
having a sponsee in aa is changing me. giving my time and the things ive learned the past six years to someone else. thats shifting soemthing huge. i think ill get another one. its fucking humbling and precious.
im learning more and more that it doesnt matter what others have done to us, or to themselves. all we can ever manage in this world is our reactions and our choices. thats all we have any control over.
im working on myself differently now. i thought i was trying to fix myself, but im realizing more and more that what i really need to do is *accept* myself. see all the shadowy places, shine lights in there. such a subtle difference, and i lose sight of it a few times every day. i feel like my shadow is elusive. i want to see her clearly, write her down, ask her questions... but her nature is fear and hiding, and im such a loud and clumsy hunter sometimes. i guess i just have to wait for her to come out, tell her i wont hurt her. be kind to myself no matter... no matter what is in my mind.
i think i just learned some invaluable lessons. they say we teach best what we most need to learn... i wonder what ---- has learned from me, and when i will learn those things. what goes around? i am willing.
i have to ask ---- for more time without communication than the few weeks we had suggested. maybe six months or so. until michigan. i am not ready to ask yet. not ready to tell her. but she will have to understand.
damn its late. i wonder when jill will ever show up. ive got two movies, the house is warming up. i could fall asleep, for real...
much love, little universe.
xo mk
my friend jill is coming over to watch movies... not a typical night in brooklyn when a friend comes by this late. especially in winter. fucking freezing outside tonight. had a good time anyway, and im glad to be holed up at home with a space heater and my home to myself.
another relationship changing. it seems these days that nothing holds much ground. ive always been a person with a handful of close friends and a shitload of acquaintences. lately most of the close ones are unsteady and im having to let others get to know me better and let people show up for me, which is damned uncomfortable. everything is changing. feels so cliche to say that, and with metaphysics in mind, just plain obvious... but what can i do? somedays i feel it more than others.
having a sponsee in aa is changing me. giving my time and the things ive learned the past six years to someone else. thats shifting soemthing huge. i think ill get another one. its fucking humbling and precious.
im learning more and more that it doesnt matter what others have done to us, or to themselves. all we can ever manage in this world is our reactions and our choices. thats all we have any control over.
im working on myself differently now. i thought i was trying to fix myself, but im realizing more and more that what i really need to do is *accept* myself. see all the shadowy places, shine lights in there. such a subtle difference, and i lose sight of it a few times every day. i feel like my shadow is elusive. i want to see her clearly, write her down, ask her questions... but her nature is fear and hiding, and im such a loud and clumsy hunter sometimes. i guess i just have to wait for her to come out, tell her i wont hurt her. be kind to myself no matter... no matter what is in my mind.
i think i just learned some invaluable lessons. they say we teach best what we most need to learn... i wonder what ---- has learned from me, and when i will learn those things. what goes around? i am willing.
i have to ask ---- for more time without communication than the few weeks we had suggested. maybe six months or so. until michigan. i am not ready to ask yet. not ready to tell her. but she will have to understand.
damn its late. i wonder when jill will ever show up. ive got two movies, the house is warming up. i could fall asleep, for real...
much love, little universe.
xo mk