[update] the weekend looms, and i welcome it :)
Shelter [listen]
Corrine May
What's wrong, what's getting you down,
Is it something I might have said?
You're walking around
With your head to the ground
And your eyes are watery red
I know you've been through rough times
Kicked around, thrown to the ground
But you've always been the strong one;
So don't tell me that nobody gets you,
'cause I'm standing in your corner
Knocking at your door
You don't have to be alone
Just call my name, let me be an answer
'cause it hurts me to see you this way;
I wanna ease your pain, help me understand
Let me be your shelter, my friend
We share a bond, you and I we belong
We're like coffee and morning trains;
You strip my defenses, I catch your pretenses
The same blood runs through our veins
I swore I'd be your lifeline
Made a vow that I'd surround you
With love at every milestone;
I'll listen when nobody gets you
I'm still standing in your corner,
Waiting by your door
You don't have to be alone
Just call my name, let me be an answer
'cause it hurts me to see you this way;
I wanna ease your pain, help me understand
Let me be your shelter, my friend
It was not too long ago
You sought to understand
You helped me mend
Remember when
So promise me you'll
Call my name, let me be an answer
'cause it hurts me to see you this way;
I wanna ease your pain, help me understand
Let my be your shelter, my friend
It's one of those weird days, the one when you feel like you've woken up in someone else's skin and everything feels ridiculously tight - like a pair of jeans that just don't um, fit.
Am slowly waking myself up as I formulate and compose this post. Sliding out of the car half-dead a little over two hours ago is not exactly my finest hour (right alongside walking halfway to the MRT station from home dressed for work but wearing my slippers). I'm worried, as always, that this is another case of me coming down with yet another bug (ugh, again???), but hopefully it isn't. Will be taking lots of fluids, a some naps when I can if the workload permits it. Plan to rest a bit more when I get home later - after I pick up a few things from Mercury Drug and the mall in general.
There's going to be a rally later this afternoon, and there's a distinct possibility that it'll pass by my office building. Dad told me earlier to be careful later. I've never really seen events like this go crazy, but whenever I encounter large crowds gathering in a protest (last year we had two instances, right infront of the office compound which I live behind), I tend to want to be a little bit more careful.
There hasn't been talk about the company providing transportation for people who are heading up north along EDSA. Not that I'll be joining them, if ever. I have a few things to see to, hoping to buy some greens for dinner among other things, so its definitely a commute for me.
(God, someone's got spam, I can smell it. UGH.)
Have a lot to do this weekend. Not work (yes, Bhex dreamlessness, I can hear your voice on loop in my head cautioning me to relax and wind down, hee). Mixing tracks and putting together the Christmas gifts I promised I'd have ready is like therapy for me. It feels good to work on something else, the first for myself and the latter for other people. In all honesty, even doing my final paper for Discourse Analysis will be a welcome break from the daily grind of my everyday.
While the busiest part of my year, the weeks rushing towards Christmas comforts me. I like planning the dinner, meeting with people to hand over gifts, nevermind staying up to put the finishing touches on whatever it is I'm going to give. I don't even mind last-minute shopping on Christmas Eve. When midnight strikes, all will be well.
Moving on. I'm reading through Bhex's little pimp on Multply again. It was a great thing to wake up to this morning, this and Mia anothermiyaw letting me know that she was posting a link to my myspace account up on her site, lux-lucis.net.
There's something about seeing posts and links that makes this little endeavor of mine a bit more real, more concrete. I know I should stop thinking of my music as a "pipe dream", but I'm not quite steady on my feet on this just yet, so things like this make me ridiculously happy. Happy and grateful that friends think that people should hear my stuff. Steph skwinkilios did a similar thing on Facebook and dA awhile back. Marie bloodbathe linked it out on her LJ. Goss _vyndasia_ has been mass-posting the link on forums and pimping it out to friends. I've even gotten feedback. It floors me, every single time.
Been having a number of heart-to-heart talks with the best friend; old subjects really: getting back on track, re-establishing connections, working out things left unsaid, most of which is on my part since I don't talk - really talk, to her so much anymore.
[11:35] beautybedamned: i cried awhile ago
[11:35] Kamylle: ??
[11:35] beautybedamned: it was the song
[11:35] beautybedamned: was poking around music and then i found "shelter"
[11:36] beautybedamned: the artist was recommended because her tunes are similar to vienna teng but not
[11:36] Kamylle: I just read the lyrics.
[11:36] Kamylle: Funny. This is exactly what I've been trying to tell you all this time.
[11:37] Kamylle: 'Specially now that most of my own shit's been sorted out for the most part.
[11:38] beautybedamned: its what i've been wanting to hear
[11:38] beautybedamned: i guess
[11:38] beautybedamned: i dunno
[11:38] Kamylle: Would you believe me if I said this is what I've been trying to get across all this time?
[11:38] beautybedamned: i think so
[11:38] beautybedamned: the universe
[11:38] beautybedamned: its been kind of
[11:39] beautybedamned: throwing stuff at me
[11:39] beautybedamned: if that's even true,
[11:39] beautybedamned: about the universe, i mean
[11:39] beautybedamned: not about you
[11:41] Kamylle: That's very true of the universe.
[11:41] Kamylle: I've been wracking my brain for ways to convince you ,and then the universe decides to intervene just whne I'm at the end of my rope.
[11:42] beautybedamned: if it did, then i'm glad it did
[11:43] Kamylle: So will you trust me a little more now?
[11:45] beautybedamned: i want to
[11:46] Kamylle: But...?
[11:51] beautybedamned: sorry was on call
[11:51] beautybedamned: i need time?
[11:51] beautybedamned: at least to have it come naturally again?
[11:51] Kamylle: That's reasonable.
[11:51] Kamylle: But at least you know. That's better than nothing.
I'm not sure as of yet if things are right again - right in the way we both have been trying to make it. It's not really that things have ever been wrong to the point of us not talking, but wrong in the sense that it's been very difficult for either of us to meet on level ground. We've both suffered, and I know I've been extra difficult because I tend to be life that when I'm trying to figure out what it is that makes me afraid of waking up the next day, whatever it is that makes me feel like everything's ready to fall apart any second now.
There are lots of things going on in my life. Lots of things that I often wish I had the resources to change. I don't talk about it because it's not my place to talk about, because there is no need, not yet, to talk about it, not publicly at least. It's just the way things are.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about having faith in what I can't see, in the unknown, in what I can't prepare for because I haven't really put much stock in leaving these things to chance and fate and whatever else it is that may or may not intervene when I need it to. I used to believe in a lot of things, a lot of which I'm not sure I believe in now. A small part of me, maybe, but for the most part I'm doing what I can. The pipe dreams can sit for later.
It's disturbing how cynical I sound, even to myself. Lately, it's like I'm two people - one constantly worried and frustrated and just trying to keep things together, while the other part talks about possibilities, though only in the midst of friends.
I look for enthusiasm outside of myself. I can't find it in me just yet, not now, not when I can't connect to my emotions when I need to. Not when my heart's not in things.
I'm thankful though, that the universe seems to be conspiring against me, because while I've felt like I've been slipping over the edge, have sometimes wondered (and raged against) about when I eventually would - I haven't.
All this week, I've been bombarded by cheer. Sure I kind of just drop off to bed, and yes, I made a decision that was painfully necessary if I am to be at peace with myself. But yeah, exhausted, sure, but my heart feels lighter, if a little banged up.
I don't want to say that I am confident, because I don't want to rush it. I know that healing needs time, that getting to the point that opening the blocked paths of communication on my end will need a bit more than a few days. But yesterday, I didn't panic or tense. We talked, it felt good. Yesterday, I came home, had dinner and looked at my family and found myself thinking: "Yes, yes. We will be fine, I will make it so,". Yesterday I thought about how patient and wonderful my friend are and how lucky I am that I have a place among them - little, irrational me.
I no longer feel like I'm fumbling in the proverbial dark. It's still dark, yes, but I have a small flashlight and that makes things a bit better.
:)
Note to self: Stop limiting the self by thinking in terms of pipe dreams. Goals are attainable if one puts the mind to making it so. Improbable does not mean impossible.
Now, to problematize on what to eat for breakfast. :)
Corrine May
What's wrong, what's getting you down,
Is it something I might have said?
You're walking around
With your head to the ground
And your eyes are watery red
I know you've been through rough times
Kicked around, thrown to the ground
But you've always been the strong one;
So don't tell me that nobody gets you,
'cause I'm standing in your corner
Knocking at your door
You don't have to be alone
Just call my name, let me be an answer
'cause it hurts me to see you this way;
I wanna ease your pain, help me understand
Let me be your shelter, my friend
We share a bond, you and I we belong
We're like coffee and morning trains;
You strip my defenses, I catch your pretenses
The same blood runs through our veins
I swore I'd be your lifeline
Made a vow that I'd surround you
With love at every milestone;
I'll listen when nobody gets you
I'm still standing in your corner,
Waiting by your door
You don't have to be alone
Just call my name, let me be an answer
'cause it hurts me to see you this way;
I wanna ease your pain, help me understand
Let me be your shelter, my friend
It was not too long ago
You sought to understand
You helped me mend
Remember when
So promise me you'll
Call my name, let me be an answer
'cause it hurts me to see you this way;
I wanna ease your pain, help me understand
Let my be your shelter, my friend
It's one of those weird days, the one when you feel like you've woken up in someone else's skin and everything feels ridiculously tight - like a pair of jeans that just don't um, fit.
Am slowly waking myself up as I formulate and compose this post. Sliding out of the car half-dead a little over two hours ago is not exactly my finest hour (right alongside walking halfway to the MRT station from home dressed for work but wearing my slippers). I'm worried, as always, that this is another case of me coming down with yet another bug (ugh, again???), but hopefully it isn't. Will be taking lots of fluids, a some naps when I can if the workload permits it. Plan to rest a bit more when I get home later - after I pick up a few things from Mercury Drug and the mall in general.
There's going to be a rally later this afternoon, and there's a distinct possibility that it'll pass by my office building. Dad told me earlier to be careful later. I've never really seen events like this go crazy, but whenever I encounter large crowds gathering in a protest (last year we had two instances, right infront of the office compound which I live behind), I tend to want to be a little bit more careful.
There hasn't been talk about the company providing transportation for people who are heading up north along EDSA. Not that I'll be joining them, if ever. I have a few things to see to, hoping to buy some greens for dinner among other things, so its definitely a commute for me.
(God, someone's got spam, I can smell it. UGH.)
Have a lot to do this weekend. Not work (yes, Bhex dreamlessness, I can hear your voice on loop in my head cautioning me to relax and wind down, hee). Mixing tracks and putting together the Christmas gifts I promised I'd have ready is like therapy for me. It feels good to work on something else, the first for myself and the latter for other people. In all honesty, even doing my final paper for Discourse Analysis will be a welcome break from the daily grind of my everyday.
While the busiest part of my year, the weeks rushing towards Christmas comforts me. I like planning the dinner, meeting with people to hand over gifts, nevermind staying up to put the finishing touches on whatever it is I'm going to give. I don't even mind last-minute shopping on Christmas Eve. When midnight strikes, all will be well.
Moving on. I'm reading through Bhex's little pimp on Multply again. It was a great thing to wake up to this morning, this and Mia anothermiyaw letting me know that she was posting a link to my myspace account up on her site, lux-lucis.net.
There's something about seeing posts and links that makes this little endeavor of mine a bit more real, more concrete. I know I should stop thinking of my music as a "pipe dream", but I'm not quite steady on my feet on this just yet, so things like this make me ridiculously happy. Happy and grateful that friends think that people should hear my stuff. Steph skwinkilios did a similar thing on Facebook and dA awhile back. Marie bloodbathe linked it out on her LJ. Goss _vyndasia_ has been mass-posting the link on forums and pimping it out to friends. I've even gotten feedback. It floors me, every single time.
Been having a number of heart-to-heart talks with the best friend; old subjects really: getting back on track, re-establishing connections, working out things left unsaid, most of which is on my part since I don't talk - really talk, to her so much anymore.
[11:35] beautybedamned: i cried awhile ago
[11:35] Kamylle: ??
[11:35] beautybedamned: it was the song
[11:35] beautybedamned: was poking around music and then i found "shelter"
[11:36] beautybedamned: the artist was recommended because her tunes are similar to vienna teng but not
[11:36] Kamylle: I just read the lyrics.
[11:36] Kamylle: Funny. This is exactly what I've been trying to tell you all this time.
[11:37] Kamylle: 'Specially now that most of my own shit's been sorted out for the most part.
[11:38] beautybedamned: its what i've been wanting to hear
[11:38] beautybedamned: i guess
[11:38] beautybedamned: i dunno
[11:38] Kamylle: Would you believe me if I said this is what I've been trying to get across all this time?
[11:38] beautybedamned: i think so
[11:38] beautybedamned: the universe
[11:38] beautybedamned: its been kind of
[11:39] beautybedamned: throwing stuff at me
[11:39] beautybedamned: if that's even true,
[11:39] beautybedamned: about the universe, i mean
[11:39] beautybedamned: not about you
[11:41] Kamylle: That's very true of the universe.
[11:41] Kamylle: I've been wracking my brain for ways to convince you ,and then the universe decides to intervene just whne I'm at the end of my rope.
[11:42] beautybedamned: if it did, then i'm glad it did
[11:43] Kamylle: So will you trust me a little more now?
[11:45] beautybedamned: i want to
[11:46] Kamylle: But...?
[11:51] beautybedamned: sorry was on call
[11:51] beautybedamned: i need time?
[11:51] beautybedamned: at least to have it come naturally again?
[11:51] Kamylle: That's reasonable.
[11:51] Kamylle: But at least you know. That's better than nothing.
I'm not sure as of yet if things are right again - right in the way we both have been trying to make it. It's not really that things have ever been wrong to the point of us not talking, but wrong in the sense that it's been very difficult for either of us to meet on level ground. We've both suffered, and I know I've been extra difficult because I tend to be life that when I'm trying to figure out what it is that makes me afraid of waking up the next day, whatever it is that makes me feel like everything's ready to fall apart any second now.
There are lots of things going on in my life. Lots of things that I often wish I had the resources to change. I don't talk about it because it's not my place to talk about, because there is no need, not yet, to talk about it, not publicly at least. It's just the way things are.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about having faith in what I can't see, in the unknown, in what I can't prepare for because I haven't really put much stock in leaving these things to chance and fate and whatever else it is that may or may not intervene when I need it to. I used to believe in a lot of things, a lot of which I'm not sure I believe in now. A small part of me, maybe, but for the most part I'm doing what I can. The pipe dreams can sit for later.
It's disturbing how cynical I sound, even to myself. Lately, it's like I'm two people - one constantly worried and frustrated and just trying to keep things together, while the other part talks about possibilities, though only in the midst of friends.
I look for enthusiasm outside of myself. I can't find it in me just yet, not now, not when I can't connect to my emotions when I need to. Not when my heart's not in things.
I'm thankful though, that the universe seems to be conspiring against me, because while I've felt like I've been slipping over the edge, have sometimes wondered (and raged against) about when I eventually would - I haven't.
All this week, I've been bombarded by cheer. Sure I kind of just drop off to bed, and yes, I made a decision that was painfully necessary if I am to be at peace with myself. But yeah, exhausted, sure, but my heart feels lighter, if a little banged up.
I don't want to say that I am confident, because I don't want to rush it. I know that healing needs time, that getting to the point that opening the blocked paths of communication on my end will need a bit more than a few days. But yesterday, I didn't panic or tense. We talked, it felt good. Yesterday, I came home, had dinner and looked at my family and found myself thinking: "Yes, yes. We will be fine, I will make it so,". Yesterday I thought about how patient and wonderful my friend are and how lucky I am that I have a place among them - little, irrational me.
I no longer feel like I'm fumbling in the proverbial dark. It's still dark, yes, but I have a small flashlight and that makes things a bit better.
:)
Note to self: Stop limiting the self by thinking in terms of pipe dreams. Goals are attainable if one puts the mind to making it so. Improbable does not mean impossible.
Now, to problematize on what to eat for breakfast. :)