Boyfriend girls and ferris wheels
Yesterday I rode a ferris wheel for the first time since I was a wee little thing. This may not sound so extraordinary, but let me assure you it is. I've had a paralyzing, panic-attack provoking fear of heights since as long as I can remember, and after one horrific, hysterical ride, I vowed never to ride one again. Yesterday's ferris wheel at the CMU carnival wasn't extremely tall, but being generally fearful of the safety of carnival rides all together, I consider it a feat. It's something that even last year I would have never considered let alone enjoyed without any nerves at all.
I've been doing a lot of serious thinking lately about my life so far, what I'm doing now, and where do I go from here. I've been having these thoughts and feelings for a while now and I feel like I'm on the brink of something new and awesome. It's somehow strange and comforting to be in a place so stable yet so unpredictable at the same time. Last year I was crying because I didn't have a job lined up for me, and even though it caused me much pain and anxiety, it was probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. My life has been all about control, and while I'm still a control freak to a certain extent, I needed to learn that I can let go and still land on my feet. It's opened up the future for me where I feel I can do anything. I can take a risk, follow my passions, and still survive even if it's scary. Now I need to discover where my passions truly lie.
One thing I've discovered in this recent epiphany is that I don't want to be tied down right now. Last night at 3:00am in the full swing of goss, we discussed the difference between "friend girls" and "boyfriend girls," and how priorities change and part of growing up is transitioning from a "friend girl" to a "boyfriend girl," someone who's ready for a relationship. I would have considered myself a boyfriend girl in the past. I dreamed of having a relationship; it was the ultimate fantasy for me and I thought that would be having it all. But I'm realizing now that there's so much to do and discover first. I'm in a place right now where I want to explore and have fun and continue on the unknown track ahead. I need to take risks, adventures, and make some mistakes. I need to be comfortable in my own skin, slut it up a little, and live life with no regrets. I'm realizing it's possible to be alone without feeling lonely. Even if I met the man of my dreams tomorrow, I do not want to settle down right now. I'd probably give him my number and say look me up in 5-10 years. As I think about my future, if marriage exists (at all) it keeps getting further and further away from the present and that doesn't make me sad, it makes me excited.
For me, my transition into a "grown-up" has been the opposite. I needed to release the structure and control I held so closely to my chest and I needed to realize that relationships don't ensure a happy ending. I don't know exactly where I'll go from here, but I can bet it will include some dating funnies.
I've been doing a lot of serious thinking lately about my life so far, what I'm doing now, and where do I go from here. I've been having these thoughts and feelings for a while now and I feel like I'm on the brink of something new and awesome. It's somehow strange and comforting to be in a place so stable yet so unpredictable at the same time. Last year I was crying because I didn't have a job lined up for me, and even though it caused me much pain and anxiety, it was probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. My life has been all about control, and while I'm still a control freak to a certain extent, I needed to learn that I can let go and still land on my feet. It's opened up the future for me where I feel I can do anything. I can take a risk, follow my passions, and still survive even if it's scary. Now I need to discover where my passions truly lie.
One thing I've discovered in this recent epiphany is that I don't want to be tied down right now. Last night at 3:00am in the full swing of goss, we discussed the difference between "friend girls" and "boyfriend girls," and how priorities change and part of growing up is transitioning from a "friend girl" to a "boyfriend girl," someone who's ready for a relationship. I would have considered myself a boyfriend girl in the past. I dreamed of having a relationship; it was the ultimate fantasy for me and I thought that would be having it all. But I'm realizing now that there's so much to do and discover first. I'm in a place right now where I want to explore and have fun and continue on the unknown track ahead. I need to take risks, adventures, and make some mistakes. I need to be comfortable in my own skin, slut it up a little, and live life with no regrets. I'm realizing it's possible to be alone without feeling lonely. Even if I met the man of my dreams tomorrow, I do not want to settle down right now. I'd probably give him my number and say look me up in 5-10 years. As I think about my future, if marriage exists (at all) it keeps getting further and further away from the present and that doesn't make me sad, it makes me excited.
For me, my transition into a "grown-up" has been the opposite. I needed to release the structure and control I held so closely to my chest and I needed to realize that relationships don't ensure a happy ending. I don't know exactly where I'll go from here, but I can bet it will include some dating funnies.