Life Sucks
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
I have really had it. Let's start with what's new with me in order of what sucks the most to what sucks the least:
1) Parents getting divorced. This is the major suckage in my life right now. My parents are actually getting divorced they have sold their house and now both live in Lincoln in seperate apartments. My mother is acting insane, my father is depressed, and I am thousands of miles away. (that last bit is alternately good or bad depending on how crazy things are at any given time) I feel completely helpless, because I am. There isn't anything I can do. I feel depressed and sad and then feel stupid for feeling that way because I am an adult and should be handling this better. I mean, its better for both of them. They'll be happier, yadda yadda, but I feel like everything I ever counted on is a lie. I know they didn't have the best relationship. They fought alot, but they also had fun and laughed so I never thought it was that bad. It wasn't a big shock, but now it has left me with an even dimmer view of marriage and basically no faith in love. Sarah is probably going to be spending the winter (our summer) in Nebraska with my dad which means I'll be here all alone. I feel incredibly lonely, but at the same time surrounded by people who make me miserable. Which brings me to number . . .
2) Have been forced to move out of free accommadation into flatting situation with Canadian girl from work whom I hate. (she doesn't know that I hate her, and perhaps that is too strong a word. I dislike her but at the same time feel sorry for her) She is loud, annoying, clingy, irritating, etc. She smokes too much weed, fucks too many guys, and drinks too much. (though recently she has given up drinking, we'll see) She says the rudest things to me as well, that make me want to punch her in the head. I am sure it is because she is insecure and her parents are very controlling and overprotective, but I don't care. I just dislike her. (but not all the time which is where the paradox comes in because I am not sure if it is that she is actually less annoying at these times or if I am just more able to ignore her irritatingness.) Now I live with her and work with her which means there is no escape.
3) Mark has a girlfriend. A 22 year-old girlfriend. He is 38. This is pretty much self explanatory. I thought I was getting over it, but then the tide just sort of turned and it hit me again like a Tsunami. I was okay with it for awhile. I even teased him about her being so young, offered him advice in a non-bitter, friendly way. Thought I was doing pretty well. Then it just stopped being okay and started to hurt. Alot. We had a rough patch in June and July where we were fighting alot and generally being miserable to each other, then we just stopped one day and everything was fine again. Better than it had been before I told him I liked him. It was fun. Now, it is starting to slide back into suckage. Slowly, but I can see it coming. It isn't a good place for me to be anyway, because I can't get away from him and my heart gets stepped on every day. Its not his fault, but its not mine either. I can't control how I feel about him, but being around him all the time isn't helping me get over it. And it scares me because it effects me at work, which is number . . .
4) Work. Yes, it sucks. We are looking forward to a very busy summer with not enough staff and not enough equipment. I am not feeling very cool with this. It is in fact scaring the shit out of me. I have just worked a 90 hour week which only means that my pay was taxed at a higher rate and so I have less money than if I worked two 40 hour weeks. I am pissed off. Canada and I were kicking around the idea of moving out after Dec. (and I mean really vaguely because I never wanted to move in with her) She told Mark who told the GM who then not so subtly pressured us to move out. So, here I am in the middle of Oct. trying to save money for my sister's wedding and not being able to because I now have to pay rent. They take advantage of me. Mark is never on time, constantly lets me down or leaves me hanging, and I bend over backwards to cover his ass. GRRRRRRRARRRGGGHHH. I am thinking about quitting. Have started applying for new jobs. Trying to decide if I should move back to the States.
Basically I am miserable, and I feel stupid for it because there aren't only bad things in my life. I just can't seem to focus on the good things. I live in one of the most gorgeous places on this earth, I can walk to the beach, I have made a couple of really good friends, I have started exercising on a regular basis (though not last week because I was at work all the time). Things are not going too badly, but I am sooooooo lonely and that's all I think about. I haven't even tried writing in months, closer to a year. I am at a loss for what to do now. Everything in my life has turned out to be the opposite to what I thought it would be. I end up in the same bad situations over and over and over. I can't seem to understand whatever lessons it is that universe wants me to learn. Now I am exhausted and still have about an hours worth of laundry to do. Sigh
I have really had it. Let's start with what's new with me in order of what sucks the most to what sucks the least:
1) Parents getting divorced. This is the major suckage in my life right now. My parents are actually getting divorced they have sold their house and now both live in Lincoln in seperate apartments. My mother is acting insane, my father is depressed, and I am thousands of miles away. (that last bit is alternately good or bad depending on how crazy things are at any given time) I feel completely helpless, because I am. There isn't anything I can do. I feel depressed and sad and then feel stupid for feeling that way because I am an adult and should be handling this better. I mean, its better for both of them. They'll be happier, yadda yadda, but I feel like everything I ever counted on is a lie. I know they didn't have the best relationship. They fought alot, but they also had fun and laughed so I never thought it was that bad. It wasn't a big shock, but now it has left me with an even dimmer view of marriage and basically no faith in love. Sarah is probably going to be spending the winter (our summer) in Nebraska with my dad which means I'll be here all alone. I feel incredibly lonely, but at the same time surrounded by people who make me miserable. Which brings me to number . . .
2) Have been forced to move out of free accommadation into flatting situation with Canadian girl from work whom I hate. (she doesn't know that I hate her, and perhaps that is too strong a word. I dislike her but at the same time feel sorry for her) She is loud, annoying, clingy, irritating, etc. She smokes too much weed, fucks too many guys, and drinks too much. (though recently she has given up drinking, we'll see) She says the rudest things to me as well, that make me want to punch her in the head. I am sure it is because she is insecure and her parents are very controlling and overprotective, but I don't care. I just dislike her. (but not all the time which is where the paradox comes in because I am not sure if it is that she is actually less annoying at these times or if I am just more able to ignore her irritatingness.) Now I live with her and work with her which means there is no escape.
3) Mark has a girlfriend. A 22 year-old girlfriend. He is 38. This is pretty much self explanatory. I thought I was getting over it, but then the tide just sort of turned and it hit me again like a Tsunami. I was okay with it for awhile. I even teased him about her being so young, offered him advice in a non-bitter, friendly way. Thought I was doing pretty well. Then it just stopped being okay and started to hurt. Alot. We had a rough patch in June and July where we were fighting alot and generally being miserable to each other, then we just stopped one day and everything was fine again. Better than it had been before I told him I liked him. It was fun. Now, it is starting to slide back into suckage. Slowly, but I can see it coming. It isn't a good place for me to be anyway, because I can't get away from him and my heart gets stepped on every day. Its not his fault, but its not mine either. I can't control how I feel about him, but being around him all the time isn't helping me get over it. And it scares me because it effects me at work, which is number . . .
4) Work. Yes, it sucks. We are looking forward to a very busy summer with not enough staff and not enough equipment. I am not feeling very cool with this. It is in fact scaring the shit out of me. I have just worked a 90 hour week which only means that my pay was taxed at a higher rate and so I have less money than if I worked two 40 hour weeks. I am pissed off. Canada and I were kicking around the idea of moving out after Dec. (and I mean really vaguely because I never wanted to move in with her) She told Mark who told the GM who then not so subtly pressured us to move out. So, here I am in the middle of Oct. trying to save money for my sister's wedding and not being able to because I now have to pay rent. They take advantage of me. Mark is never on time, constantly lets me down or leaves me hanging, and I bend over backwards to cover his ass. GRRRRRRRARRRGGGHHH. I am thinking about quitting. Have started applying for new jobs. Trying to decide if I should move back to the States.
Basically I am miserable, and I feel stupid for it because there aren't only bad things in my life. I just can't seem to focus on the good things. I live in one of the most gorgeous places on this earth, I can walk to the beach, I have made a couple of really good friends, I have started exercising on a regular basis (though not last week because I was at work all the time). Things are not going too badly, but I am sooooooo lonely and that's all I think about. I haven't even tried writing in months, closer to a year. I am at a loss for what to do now. Everything in my life has turned out to be the opposite to what I thought it would be. I end up in the same bad situations over and over and over. I can't seem to understand whatever lessons it is that universe wants me to learn. Now I am exhausted and still have about an hours worth of laundry to do. Sigh