okay, round 2
That's what i shall call this. This. THIS! I was rambling in my last entry. I've done so much thinking the past 4 or so days. It's been like living in the past, the way everything use to be. It was freaking awesome. We're all still here, why can't it always be like that? Determination. I hung out with Julie tonight and it was needed. We visited Lee and Sarah at work. Oh sarah brown. i have to post something she had from last year after Copa...
...And I thought Friday was bad.
My makeup should not have been applied so early. It was absolutely ridiculous. I am at a loss for words. I held it together as I wrote out everyone's flowers, and even when people started showing up, and talking about everything. But it didn't last long. I completely lost it when I saw Bridge, and again when Stacey was doing my hair, and again when Annie read her letter. And again when we started the opening, and again when the curtains closed. And again when Frank, Bridge, and I were laying on the stage and again when I was sitting at the school by myself.
Most of my emotions were already conveyed in my entry from Friday. But there are a few things that need to be mentioned today. One being the awful pattern that I recognized throughout the course of the weekend...
We were all sitting outside of the dressing rooms and everyone slowly got up and went back to what they were doing and I was the last one left there. Last night at Lee's house various people were sitting on the steps, and then before I knew it I was the only one sitting there. Today after the show, everyone was on stage, and then slowly I was the only one, sitting alone in the empty Copa. After everyone had cleaned up and when they were about to leave, I stood at the doorway and watched everyone walk out, flowers and balloons in hand, and I was the last one left. Steph said that I'm the one who is having the hardest time with all of this, and I know she's right. She said that almost everyone has had the chance to be together for a lot longer than I have; I was just thrown into all of this sophomore year. Three years is not nearly enough. It's just not fair. And no matter what happens I know that I will be the one who's left behind. I'll be the one still standing there after everyone has already walked away. I'll be the one who falls off the rollercoaster...
I think that's what kills me the most.
For those of you who haven't heard, my pin died today. Frank had his blinking pin on today and when I saw him it reminded me. I turned my pin on Sunday at the rehearsal with the orchestra. It was the beginning of tech week, the beginning of all the excitement. So the entire week I've let my pin blink, without turning it off, and it's been going strong. Through all of the hard times, the laughter, the dancing, the music, the passion, the fights, the problems, the mishaps, the memories. So when I saw Frank today I completely forgot that it had been on all week long. So I called my mom and told her to bring me my pin when she came to the show this afternoon. I told her not to turn it off, but just bring it to me. So after I called her I kind of forgot about it again. But after the show, and after my family had congratulated me and everything, she said "Oh, I brought your pin... but the light stopped blinking." It sounds ridiculous but that was like a stab in the heart. Maybe I just take the symbolism a little too far but as she handed it to me I just lost it again. I had to leave and go back to my dressing room. Of course the fucking light would go out today. What else should I have expected? As if I needed one more thing to make me cry. I couldn't even hang up my costumes. I went to walk across the stage and I didn't even make it. I stopped in the middle when I saw the closed curtain and I just sat down because I couldn't take it. Wow. How pathetic. I'm such a huge ball of emotions that has exploded over and over again. Someone make it stop.
I don't think anything has ever made me this emotional. I think that's how you know it means so much to me. I think it's how you know it means so much to all of us. Because if it didn't then we wouldn't care at all, and it wouldn't even phase us. Things like this... you don't just run across them everyday. We're talking once in a lifetime experiences that will never be forgotten.
Laying on the stage, looking up at the drops and the lights, with Frank and Bridge today after the show was definately the defining moment for me. It kind of just summed everything up. And the funny thing is, none of us really said much of anything. We didn't have to.
I love all of you more than you will ever know. Time is our only enemy. And together we can overcome any obstacle it brings.
It's too touching, really. I can't handle a lot of it. I've been looking at all my old pictures and videos, making that slideshow of course. But when we were talking to sarah tonight, it seemed like she has feelings that shes holding back, She informed us of how she started a diary and vented with a lsit of things and feelings of how things "use to be". I know not to frolic in the past, but if everyone secretly has these feelins of wanting to be with everyone again why not release them? Let them be apparent so we can work on them. Restoration will be the key to our re-creation!
But really. I'm going to try my hardest. My DAMN hardest.
...And I thought Friday was bad.
My makeup should not have been applied so early. It was absolutely ridiculous. I am at a loss for words. I held it together as I wrote out everyone's flowers, and even when people started showing up, and talking about everything. But it didn't last long. I completely lost it when I saw Bridge, and again when Stacey was doing my hair, and again when Annie read her letter. And again when we started the opening, and again when the curtains closed. And again when Frank, Bridge, and I were laying on the stage and again when I was sitting at the school by myself.
Most of my emotions were already conveyed in my entry from Friday. But there are a few things that need to be mentioned today. One being the awful pattern that I recognized throughout the course of the weekend...
We were all sitting outside of the dressing rooms and everyone slowly got up and went back to what they were doing and I was the last one left there. Last night at Lee's house various people were sitting on the steps, and then before I knew it I was the only one sitting there. Today after the show, everyone was on stage, and then slowly I was the only one, sitting alone in the empty Copa. After everyone had cleaned up and when they were about to leave, I stood at the doorway and watched everyone walk out, flowers and balloons in hand, and I was the last one left. Steph said that I'm the one who is having the hardest time with all of this, and I know she's right. She said that almost everyone has had the chance to be together for a lot longer than I have; I was just thrown into all of this sophomore year. Three years is not nearly enough. It's just not fair. And no matter what happens I know that I will be the one who's left behind. I'll be the one still standing there after everyone has already walked away. I'll be the one who falls off the rollercoaster...
I think that's what kills me the most.
For those of you who haven't heard, my pin died today. Frank had his blinking pin on today and when I saw him it reminded me. I turned my pin on Sunday at the rehearsal with the orchestra. It was the beginning of tech week, the beginning of all the excitement. So the entire week I've let my pin blink, without turning it off, and it's been going strong. Through all of the hard times, the laughter, the dancing, the music, the passion, the fights, the problems, the mishaps, the memories. So when I saw Frank today I completely forgot that it had been on all week long. So I called my mom and told her to bring me my pin when she came to the show this afternoon. I told her not to turn it off, but just bring it to me. So after I called her I kind of forgot about it again. But after the show, and after my family had congratulated me and everything, she said "Oh, I brought your pin... but the light stopped blinking." It sounds ridiculous but that was like a stab in the heart. Maybe I just take the symbolism a little too far but as she handed it to me I just lost it again. I had to leave and go back to my dressing room. Of course the fucking light would go out today. What else should I have expected? As if I needed one more thing to make me cry. I couldn't even hang up my costumes. I went to walk across the stage and I didn't even make it. I stopped in the middle when I saw the closed curtain and I just sat down because I couldn't take it. Wow. How pathetic. I'm such a huge ball of emotions that has exploded over and over again. Someone make it stop.
I don't think anything has ever made me this emotional. I think that's how you know it means so much to me. I think it's how you know it means so much to all of us. Because if it didn't then we wouldn't care at all, and it wouldn't even phase us. Things like this... you don't just run across them everyday. We're talking once in a lifetime experiences that will never be forgotten.
Laying on the stage, looking up at the drops and the lights, with Frank and Bridge today after the show was definately the defining moment for me. It kind of just summed everything up. And the funny thing is, none of us really said much of anything. We didn't have to.
I love all of you more than you will ever know. Time is our only enemy. And together we can overcome any obstacle it brings.
It's too touching, really. I can't handle a lot of it. I've been looking at all my old pictures and videos, making that slideshow of course. But when we were talking to sarah tonight, it seemed like she has feelings that shes holding back, She informed us of how she started a diary and vented with a lsit of things and feelings of how things "use to be". I know not to frolic in the past, but if everyone secretly has these feelins of wanting to be with everyone again why not release them? Let them be apparent so we can work on them. Restoration will be the key to our re-creation!
But really. I'm going to try my hardest. My DAMN hardest.