stuff and things
As you can tell by the time stamp it is quite late, or quite early depending on your shift/perspective/nocturnalism...
For those that dont know or dont care ive actually been well, ive had training at work (1/3rd of my way through the training for my first MSCT) ive tried to stick to gym unsuccessfully (currently only managing once a week :/), i definitely have build but have far too much excess over said muscle, at least i can feel it when i stretch...
My "issues" haven't let up and flared up enough tonight to let down someone who has proven themselves to be a good friend. They have been understanding but my conscience doesnt let me off so easily.
Couple this with my new lifestyle, im still adjusting and ive not crossed any lines (or at least i have been honest and straight with everyone).
I still carry inordinate amounts of guilt, along with supressed anger (dont get me wrong id never hurt a loved one or anyone undeserving), i find that i beat myself up for good and imagined reasons.
Lulu has been awesome and very supportive and understanding, my housemate has been supportive but im not sure how understanding and certain other people have been oblivious or cut off. Ive deactivated FB cos i couldn't be dealing with the cloak and dagger backstabbing bulsh!t and it seemed easier to disable my account than remove individuals (less drama that way).
There are people in my life i tolerate for the good of others, and some people i wonder why they tolerate me, but i feel that im keeping a healthy balance of positive people in my active social life and restraining any over abundance of negativity on said people.
Basically ive been trimming the fat, ive tried to spend more time with loved ones and people good to me (hence my guilt for missing said person above) and cutting out the negativity that brought me down and exacerbated the causes of my downward swings and anger spikes.
I can pretty much guarantee that if your reading this your either one of the people i respect and dont upset/anger me or one that ive stopped being bothered affecting me (trust me, most probably if your reading this your the former ive not been through my friends list properly).
A tad rambly but basically im not better or worse, im MJ, ill always be unstable on some level (no more special or different from everyone else) but im proud i can acknowledge it and accept my flaws. Im in a good relationship that lets me be myself, my true friends dont judge me and only pause to pick me up or point me in the right direction and im learning to let go of those that refuse to accept or listen to me.
For those that dont know or dont care ive actually been well, ive had training at work (1/3rd of my way through the training for my first MSCT) ive tried to stick to gym unsuccessfully (currently only managing once a week :/), i definitely have build but have far too much excess over said muscle, at least i can feel it when i stretch...
My "issues" haven't let up and flared up enough tonight to let down someone who has proven themselves to be a good friend. They have been understanding but my conscience doesnt let me off so easily.
Couple this with my new lifestyle, im still adjusting and ive not crossed any lines (or at least i have been honest and straight with everyone).
I still carry inordinate amounts of guilt, along with supressed anger (dont get me wrong id never hurt a loved one or anyone undeserving), i find that i beat myself up for good and imagined reasons.
Lulu has been awesome and very supportive and understanding, my housemate has been supportive but im not sure how understanding and certain other people have been oblivious or cut off. Ive deactivated FB cos i couldn't be dealing with the cloak and dagger backstabbing bulsh!t and it seemed easier to disable my account than remove individuals (less drama that way).
There are people in my life i tolerate for the good of others, and some people i wonder why they tolerate me, but i feel that im keeping a healthy balance of positive people in my active social life and restraining any over abundance of negativity on said people.
Basically ive been trimming the fat, ive tried to spend more time with loved ones and people good to me (hence my guilt for missing said person above) and cutting out the negativity that brought me down and exacerbated the causes of my downward swings and anger spikes.
I can pretty much guarantee that if your reading this your either one of the people i respect and dont upset/anger me or one that ive stopped being bothered affecting me (trust me, most probably if your reading this your the former ive not been through my friends list properly).
A tad rambly but basically im not better or worse, im MJ, ill always be unstable on some level (no more special or different from everyone else) but im proud i can acknowledge it and accept my flaws. Im in a good relationship that lets me be myself, my true friends dont judge me and only pause to pick me up or point me in the right direction and im learning to let go of those that refuse to accept or listen to me.