Snake oil for sale!
In response to my last post, I received the following e-mail from my dad. Atop the stress from finals, I was quite agitated with him. I did however take it in stride and collected my thoughts before responding.
Hi Rye,
Just read your journal entry. Remember that ADHD is just a collection of symptoms that they decided to give a name to and treat often with drugs. Just as we resisted giving Pat drugs for his supposed ADD, I would advise you to chose another way to deal with your symptoms. Try simplifying your life for one. Being that you have gotten sick it is apparent you do not get enough rest. Pat says you guys are way big late night people. So there goes your rest if you have to get up for work and school. The simple way to deal with this is make sure you guys are in bed by midnight-period. No speed needed. You are getting down on your self for 'not being a better person'? Just treat yourself like you deserve to be treated-kindly, rather than push-push-push-then fuck up and feel bad about yourself. I am sure Ian would be glad to help on the hitting the sack early part. Give yourself a break and try and live in a way that is rewarding. Running your ass off and shorting yourself on sleep leads inevitably to sickness and poor results. You need to get Ian to help you with this. Your indicator that things are going in the right direction should be your health first.
Where did you get such harsh expectations for yourself? I think the only one pushing yourself like that is YOU. Ease up on the sweet Loodle Day. Let her enjoy her life without overly harsh expectations.
Love,
El Padre Davila
Rather than sending a scathing response I tried to be calm and simply expand on what I had expressed in my post. I've yet to receive a response. He's seemed really strange to me lately. Not sure why. My uncle expressed the same. Maybe somethings up and he's just after me to avoid dealing with his own shit. We shall see.
Dad-
Hey there. Thanks for the e-mail. I appreciate the thoughtfulness of your response and your advice. I agree regular sleep is important; however, I do not believe it is the root of my issues. You referenced that I was sick, I haven't been sick in some time. I've been quite healthy in fact. Although, as Pat mentioned, I will at times go to bed late (specifically on the weekends) - I will typically sleep in as a response to the late night (or potentially nap later). Typically, I am not being deprived of a decent nights sleep. The only exception to that would be these last few days while I was trying to study for finals. Being unprepared for finals is not a result of not getting enough sleep throughout the semester, it's the product of being disorganized and poor prioritization. Unfortunately, I allow sleep to be a priority, when other things should be - like writing a paper. hehe . . . In fact, I've often rationalized not doing school work because I need to get to sleep. I am not looking for a magic pill. Nor am I looking for speed to keep me from being tired. I'm not tired. Lack of sleep is the the reason for the sweltering stress I feel when it comes to my disorganization. When I wake - stretching my arms as I rise from a nice 12 hours of sleep - my stress if often compounded by the fact that I didn't get things done AND I feel huge amounts of guilt for sleeping so long. Fortunately, finals are wrapped up. I had 2 Monday and 2 today. High high stress. My neck and shoulders are so tight that I can feel my neck muscles pulling if I lean my head down. Thankfully, that is over.
As for the suggestion of ADHD, I know it was just that. As they were just two 1 hour sessions, it was an initial hypothesis - but nothing is for sure yet. While a lot of the symptoms do seem to match up, that doesn't make it a slam dunk. I have two hours of testing set up for Tuesday, and will have several subsequent sessions after that. The testing is not to diagnose me with ADHD, but to see if there are any psychological issues that may be contributing to my frustrations. Honestly, I've never thought I suffered from any psychological condition. You can imagine my surprise when they suggested ADHD - as I was shy as a church mouse in school. I never acted out in school. I was SO reserved. I remember Ms. Flannery saying I was so smart, if only I'd open up a little. I'm not looking for drugs, a quick fix or a high. I've never been medicated for anything other than an infection. As I mentioned in my post, I'm reticent to accept medication as a solution to the issues I've been dealing with. I specified to the counselor that I'd like to do all the testing first before we discussed anything like medication. I need more time to research and form an educated opinion. You and mom raised me to be weary of such things, and I definitely am. Also I've been having conversations about it with Ian. Given that he hesitates to even take a benign Ib Profen when he has a terrible headache, I know he'd likely have some reservations about me taking/having a prescription like that. While I hope your concern doesn't lie here, keep in mind that I've been sober - haven't drank (or done any drugs for much longer than that) in over 7 months. So know that I am not looking to get something to abuse. My counselor and I will start working on behavioral techniques, accountability, and cognitive therapies to see what is going on. I should also point out, that my counselor is not able to prescribe. My preference is to learn to manage these things and overcome them - as that to me - is where I would truly feel a sense of victory and accomplishment. Taking a pill to cure my ills doesn't prove much and isn't much of a long term fix. I'm not looking for an easy way out. I didn't go to counseling for a diagnoses for anything. I went to talk, to vent and to ensure a holistic approach to my total health.
On the front of trying to simply my life, I am trying. Up until this point, I worked 32 hours a week and had 13 credit hours at school. Despite working less than past semesters, I still got very little work done in my free time. This is why I want to make changes. I don't want to study for a grade, I want to study to learn and take the most I can away from each course. I'm working on dropping down in hours again at work, and I'm applying for financial aid for this summer semester. I want school to be my #1 focus. Depending on the outcome of the aid, I'll determine if I can seek different work that would be pertinent to the field I want to get into, rather than the job that I hold - that I hate - and lacks many redeeming qualities career/school wise.
Please don't be alarmed about grades. Surprisingly, I'm not doing poorly. It's almost unfortunate that I've been lucky or adept at last minute studying as I've been - as it's only enabled me. The lack of negative consequences only encourages the bad behaviors. Yesterday at 8 AM I had the Dan Jones final - went pretty well. There was two acronyms I couldn't come up with from the beginning of the semester, as it was a comprehensive final. As all of his tests are, it was a very long test - which we do not review for. I've done well on every Dan Jones test, this one is no exception. The bioethics test last night was a success. Our professor finally cut us some slack and gave us single page study guide which we could mark up as we wished and take into the test with us. As a result of that, I think I did very well. Today, I had statistics and biology back to back. Statistics was first, it took about 2 1/2 hours. As statistics is VERY formula intensive, we were allowed note sheets as well. Same applies to this class, I've done well on all the tests and homeworks so far - there was one bugger I got stuck on for like 45 minutes - I saved it for last. It was a question from the first chapter, which I barely remembered. I ended up pulling it out though, and I don't believe I missed any on that test. I will be relieved to be out of that class. Although the professor gives us excellent notes, she is painfully boring and completely lacks ANY semblance of a personality. I actually like statistics, I just wish I had had a more lively professor. Dan Jones and Dwight Brown (my biology prof) were so dynamic it really made her pale in comparison. Lastly, I had my biology final. As I was so wrapped up in statistics prep I didn't get a chance to study almost at all (well . . . I probably could have if I managed my time better). It was comprehensive and most of the questions were from the previous tests - so I was mostly set. My professor is concerned with us learning - not marking our submissionds up with red pen. Any test I've ever had a question on, he was always willing to walk me through it, asking me questions leading me to the right answer. Those I was unsure about we walked through together. I'm pretty certain that final will yield an A. On my weekly quizzes, there was only one quiz that I missed a point on. The rest were 10/10's. All my tests have been in the 90's and I get to drop my lowest score.
I appreciate your kind sentiment about letting up on myself. Perhaps I wasn't clear about what I meant about being a better person. Rest assured, self esteem is not my issue. I genuinely and sincerely love myself. I am really happy with the core of who I am. However, that doesn't mean there isn't room to evolve and grow. I believe I have endless potential, but to turn that potential into something real, something tangible, I have to make some changes to better align myself with the best Ryanne I can be. I don't think my expectations of self to do more than a shred of homework throughout the semester. For example, in statistics, we had suggested assignments that were ungraded - as a result I did one problem on one assignment in January - April, none of the others. It's pretty reasonable to expect myself to get things in order to get my car registered by the expiration date, rather than 5 months after. If anything, I'm usually far too lenient with myself. I'm very easy going, to a fault. But understand that this desire to grow, comes from a place of love for myself. I want to be great. Half-assing isn't good enough. It has been in the past, but that's not the standard I want to set for myself anymore. It's not the person I want to be. "My relationship with myself is the most important and profound relationship I'll have in my entire life...It's about time I get to nurturing that relationship." That's a quote from an old entry in my journal. I don't hate myself, I'm frustrated, but I am very compassionate - especially when it comes to me. I understand it'll be a process, but it's something I need to do for myself.
I hope this clears things up a bit. Thanks for writing me!
Love ya,
Rye
Hi Rye,
Just read your journal entry. Remember that ADHD is just a collection of symptoms that they decided to give a name to and treat often with drugs. Just as we resisted giving Pat drugs for his supposed ADD, I would advise you to chose another way to deal with your symptoms. Try simplifying your life for one. Being that you have gotten sick it is apparent you do not get enough rest. Pat says you guys are way big late night people. So there goes your rest if you have to get up for work and school. The simple way to deal with this is make sure you guys are in bed by midnight-period. No speed needed. You are getting down on your self for 'not being a better person'? Just treat yourself like you deserve to be treated-kindly, rather than push-push-push-then fuck up and feel bad about yourself. I am sure Ian would be glad to help on the hitting the sack early part. Give yourself a break and try and live in a way that is rewarding. Running your ass off and shorting yourself on sleep leads inevitably to sickness and poor results. You need to get Ian to help you with this. Your indicator that things are going in the right direction should be your health first.
Where did you get such harsh expectations for yourself? I think the only one pushing yourself like that is YOU. Ease up on the sweet Loodle Day. Let her enjoy her life without overly harsh expectations.
Love,
El Padre Davila
Rather than sending a scathing response I tried to be calm and simply expand on what I had expressed in my post. I've yet to receive a response. He's seemed really strange to me lately. Not sure why. My uncle expressed the same. Maybe somethings up and he's just after me to avoid dealing with his own shit. We shall see.
Dad-
Hey there. Thanks for the e-mail. I appreciate the thoughtfulness of your response and your advice. I agree regular sleep is important; however, I do not believe it is the root of my issues. You referenced that I was sick, I haven't been sick in some time. I've been quite healthy in fact. Although, as Pat mentioned, I will at times go to bed late (specifically on the weekends) - I will typically sleep in as a response to the late night (or potentially nap later). Typically, I am not being deprived of a decent nights sleep. The only exception to that would be these last few days while I was trying to study for finals. Being unprepared for finals is not a result of not getting enough sleep throughout the semester, it's the product of being disorganized and poor prioritization. Unfortunately, I allow sleep to be a priority, when other things should be - like writing a paper. hehe . . . In fact, I've often rationalized not doing school work because I need to get to sleep. I am not looking for a magic pill. Nor am I looking for speed to keep me from being tired. I'm not tired. Lack of sleep is the the reason for the sweltering stress I feel when it comes to my disorganization. When I wake - stretching my arms as I rise from a nice 12 hours of sleep - my stress if often compounded by the fact that I didn't get things done AND I feel huge amounts of guilt for sleeping so long. Fortunately, finals are wrapped up. I had 2 Monday and 2 today. High high stress. My neck and shoulders are so tight that I can feel my neck muscles pulling if I lean my head down. Thankfully, that is over.
As for the suggestion of ADHD, I know it was just that. As they were just two 1 hour sessions, it was an initial hypothesis - but nothing is for sure yet. While a lot of the symptoms do seem to match up, that doesn't make it a slam dunk. I have two hours of testing set up for Tuesday, and will have several subsequent sessions after that. The testing is not to diagnose me with ADHD, but to see if there are any psychological issues that may be contributing to my frustrations. Honestly, I've never thought I suffered from any psychological condition. You can imagine my surprise when they suggested ADHD - as I was shy as a church mouse in school. I never acted out in school. I was SO reserved. I remember Ms. Flannery saying I was so smart, if only I'd open up a little. I'm not looking for drugs, a quick fix or a high. I've never been medicated for anything other than an infection. As I mentioned in my post, I'm reticent to accept medication as a solution to the issues I've been dealing with. I specified to the counselor that I'd like to do all the testing first before we discussed anything like medication. I need more time to research and form an educated opinion. You and mom raised me to be weary of such things, and I definitely am. Also I've been having conversations about it with Ian. Given that he hesitates to even take a benign Ib Profen when he has a terrible headache, I know he'd likely have some reservations about me taking/having a prescription like that. While I hope your concern doesn't lie here, keep in mind that I've been sober - haven't drank (or done any drugs for much longer than that) in over 7 months. So know that I am not looking to get something to abuse. My counselor and I will start working on behavioral techniques, accountability, and cognitive therapies to see what is going on. I should also point out, that my counselor is not able to prescribe. My preference is to learn to manage these things and overcome them - as that to me - is where I would truly feel a sense of victory and accomplishment. Taking a pill to cure my ills doesn't prove much and isn't much of a long term fix. I'm not looking for an easy way out. I didn't go to counseling for a diagnoses for anything. I went to talk, to vent and to ensure a holistic approach to my total health.
On the front of trying to simply my life, I am trying. Up until this point, I worked 32 hours a week and had 13 credit hours at school. Despite working less than past semesters, I still got very little work done in my free time. This is why I want to make changes. I don't want to study for a grade, I want to study to learn and take the most I can away from each course. I'm working on dropping down in hours again at work, and I'm applying for financial aid for this summer semester. I want school to be my #1 focus. Depending on the outcome of the aid, I'll determine if I can seek different work that would be pertinent to the field I want to get into, rather than the job that I hold - that I hate - and lacks many redeeming qualities career/school wise.
Please don't be alarmed about grades. Surprisingly, I'm not doing poorly. It's almost unfortunate that I've been lucky or adept at last minute studying as I've been - as it's only enabled me. The lack of negative consequences only encourages the bad behaviors. Yesterday at 8 AM I had the Dan Jones final - went pretty well. There was two acronyms I couldn't come up with from the beginning of the semester, as it was a comprehensive final. As all of his tests are, it was a very long test - which we do not review for. I've done well on every Dan Jones test, this one is no exception. The bioethics test last night was a success. Our professor finally cut us some slack and gave us single page study guide which we could mark up as we wished and take into the test with us. As a result of that, I think I did very well. Today, I had statistics and biology back to back. Statistics was first, it took about 2 1/2 hours. As statistics is VERY formula intensive, we were allowed note sheets as well. Same applies to this class, I've done well on all the tests and homeworks so far - there was one bugger I got stuck on for like 45 minutes - I saved it for last. It was a question from the first chapter, which I barely remembered. I ended up pulling it out though, and I don't believe I missed any on that test. I will be relieved to be out of that class. Although the professor gives us excellent notes, she is painfully boring and completely lacks ANY semblance of a personality. I actually like statistics, I just wish I had had a more lively professor. Dan Jones and Dwight Brown (my biology prof) were so dynamic it really made her pale in comparison. Lastly, I had my biology final. As I was so wrapped up in statistics prep I didn't get a chance to study almost at all (well . . . I probably could have if I managed my time better). It was comprehensive and most of the questions were from the previous tests - so I was mostly set. My professor is concerned with us learning - not marking our submissionds up with red pen. Any test I've ever had a question on, he was always willing to walk me through it, asking me questions leading me to the right answer. Those I was unsure about we walked through together. I'm pretty certain that final will yield an A. On my weekly quizzes, there was only one quiz that I missed a point on. The rest were 10/10's. All my tests have been in the 90's and I get to drop my lowest score.
I appreciate your kind sentiment about letting up on myself. Perhaps I wasn't clear about what I meant about being a better person. Rest assured, self esteem is not my issue. I genuinely and sincerely love myself. I am really happy with the core of who I am. However, that doesn't mean there isn't room to evolve and grow. I believe I have endless potential, but to turn that potential into something real, something tangible, I have to make some changes to better align myself with the best Ryanne I can be. I don't think my expectations of self to do more than a shred of homework throughout the semester. For example, in statistics, we had suggested assignments that were ungraded - as a result I did one problem on one assignment in January - April, none of the others. It's pretty reasonable to expect myself to get things in order to get my car registered by the expiration date, rather than 5 months after. If anything, I'm usually far too lenient with myself. I'm very easy going, to a fault. But understand that this desire to grow, comes from a place of love for myself. I want to be great. Half-assing isn't good enough. It has been in the past, but that's not the standard I want to set for myself anymore. It's not the person I want to be. "My relationship with myself is the most important and profound relationship I'll have in my entire life...It's about time I get to nurturing that relationship." That's a quote from an old entry in my journal. I don't hate myself, I'm frustrated, but I am very compassionate - especially when it comes to me. I understand it'll be a process, but it's something I need to do for myself.
I hope this clears things up a bit. Thanks for writing me!
Love ya,
Rye