[one shot] In Your Embrace…
I still remembered that day perfectly. As it was happened yesterday, I remembered every single details of it. It was a warm evening, when the heat from the afternoon’s sunray was still locked in the air. The clear blue sky was slowly turned into crimson red as the sun fell down… and that’s just how we met for the first time.
You and I, along the other boys who came to attend the audition. I gazed the room with confused looks, frowned and thought about giving up and leaving. I never had an intention to join this entertainment life anyway, and honestly I was shocked when my dad picked me up after the baseball’s practice and headed to the audition’s place instead of home.
Stood in the corner, I stared at the gigantic glass panels in the wall, which reflected my poor appearance. Thick eyebrows, small eyes, childish looks, along with the frowned face and dirty baseball suit since I haven’t changed my clothes after my practice. There were muds in my suit, as well as the dirty smudges on my cheeks. I tried to remove the stains, but it was useless. The smudges on my cheeks even got dirtier when I tried to rub them, made me frustrated in mixed feelings.
Then, I saw you. Stood there in the center of the room, keeping a sheepish innocent smile on your face. Different from any other boys, you have a special aura, like a magnet since everybody can’t take their eyes off from you. Maybe you didn’t realize it, but even I must admit that you are gorgeous and stunning, even with that casual outfit.
When our eyes met, I felt my heart skip a beat. You smiled to me and walked closer, made butterflies’ effect in my stomach. “ Hi, my name is Akanishi Jin “ And I need a couple of seconds to nod and answered, “ I’m Kamenashi Kazuya “
I don’t know how or why, but stayed there beside you makes me feel happy and secure. I always have a kind of feeling like ‘I can dependent on him’ even I didn’t know you much. Maybe that’s why I always clutch at you in our first years together.
When I got my number called and yours not, there a slight of pain shattered my heart into pieces. I murmured over and over how I can’t face the fact that I was made it and you didn’t. That’s why when you returned the plate number to an old man -who turned into the Johnny-san himself- and told that you were also entering the agency; I squealed in joy and beamed your name with exciting tone.
I love to be with you, telling everyone that we are best friend forever. I love when you smile as you hug me, your laugh when you grab my waist and pull me into your warm embrace. We play together, giggled and share everything, swore that will be no secret between us. We are inseparable, and before both of us knew it, we have been paired with pet name AkaKame, which turned into Akame later.
The moment you said my name to accompany you when you won the Okinawa prize, I was so happy. You picked me along all the other boys. You said that I was special, and even Pi is your best friend, my jealously of him eased as you said that I was the one who become your most precious thing in your life.
That night in Okinawa’s beach wasn’t the first night we share together, yet my heart burst in over-happiness as you snuggled closer to me in your sleep. The winds that blew our tent is chilling, but being together with you made me forget anything else. At that moment, the time froze, framed us together… just the two of us in eternity.
Ne, Jin… The agency took many pictures of us, while we posed as a lovey-dovey couple. Honestly, I enjoyed that moments so much. I was free to express myself, showing the world about our bond. Our fingers tangled together, our body made contacts as our bare skin share each other’s warmth, and our cheeks blushed in the shade of pink.
But it didn’t last forever. Soon the agency told us to apart. They said that we are too close, in a bad meaning. They want us to separate, and we couldn’t do something meaningful to confront it.
I cried that night. And the other nights too, sobbing and waking up with red swollen eyes in the next morning. We may never show our relationship again in front of the public, and we just too rigid to enjoy our moments together again. We are changed, our relationship is twisted into a cold formal dialogue. I wanna puke to face that reality, stared at you with a sorrowful gaze in my eyes.
I found the same gaze in your eyes, and our lips kept shut as our eyes speak more than our lips. We didn’t need words. Somehow we just knew what remains in our deepest heart. But I still longing for you, longing for our past; when we are young and innocent, our soul free like birds fly in the blue cloudless sky.
Then, I got the role. I debuted first with Pi, and not with you. Believe me, it’s hard… so hard and painful for me. Your eyes stared at me asking “ Why ? Why ? “ and I can’t help myself to stop tears rolling down my cheeks every time I remembered your injured expression.
The gap between us grows wider and wider, and I sunk in tears and sorrow. Even we barely speaks to each other lately, this time you really mad and avoided me. I was hurted when you only gave me a quick glance before your eyes rolled to some other’s place.
“ Why you did this to me, Jin…? “
“ I’m the one who asked you that question, Kamenashi “ You emphasized my surname in such teasing tone, “ You betrayed us, you betrayed KAT-TUN and you just betrayed me. Why ? Is debuted first is the only thing in your mind ? “
I gasped in horror. My eyes widen in shock, “ How could you…? “
Your words stabbed my heart, tore it into broken pieces which I can’t fix again. My tears didn’t come out that time, since I have believed that my tears are dried up since I cry too much every time I thinking about us.
Everything moved too fast after that incident. KAT-TUN debuted. We became busy and busier. When the two of us took part in Gokusen 2 series, my heart cringing in grief. Acted as Odagiri Ryu, I could understand his feelings when Yabuki Hayato treated him as a betrayer. Ryu never betrayed Hayato and his friends, as I was never betrayed you and KAT-TUN. But maybe you didn’t realize it.
Your exterminated eyes gazed at me in hateful ways… If a glare could kill someone, I may already die with a broken heart. You gave me those glares when you were acting as Hayato… but deep down inside, I knew there were personal emotions mixed. Even we are together on the screen, you didn’t put your heart on it.
“ For real, I didn’t understand Kamenashi at all… “ you said, and I just pushed myself to work and work and work… just to keep myself busy, so I won’t think about anything. Especially about us. I’m broken without you, but I deny that fact and kept my poker face… playing charades and put more façade since I have lived in my own acting as I keep repeating “I’m okay… I’m okay…” all the time.
And then you leave.
You managed a bitter smile plastered on your face when you finally stared my eyes directly, “ I’m going to LA “
Before, I thought that my heart is broken enough to not suffer any pains again. But I was wrong. It hurts so much, and I even can’t bear with the pain you caused. I felt half of my soul wandered off from my body when you decided to leave.
For many times, I deny that fact. I even didn’t show up at the airport to send you off. I shut my eyes and ears, crying loud in my room… hugging our framed photos in my chest. I pleaded, “ Please don’t go… Don’t go… Don’t leave me, I need you here by my side… “ But I just can’t tell you that. And you never know about it since I never tell you my real feelings.
I missed you so much when you stayed there in LA. I prefer you to stayed by my side; even you hate me, throwing harsh words that shattered my heart… than you moved away and leave me alone.
I took the role in Tatta Hitotsu No Koi to keep myself busy. The other KAT-TUN’s member are worrying about me, but I told them that I was okay. Kouki, who also took part in the dorama, shook his head in desperation since I keep playing under my façades.
“ You two still in fight…? “ Kouki asked me when I gazed your phone number in my cellular, no guts to dial. I shook my head and sighed, “ Yeah “
“ But it months already “ Kouki blinked, his eyebrows knitted, “ That Bakanishi is really rock-headed “
“ I don’t know… “ I murmured, closed my eyes to hold back the tears, “ I just missed him so much. I hate the agency since they forced us to split up like this. And I hate myself more for have no guts to tell him the truth “
Haruka Ayase, the main actress in the dorama, somehow looks similar to you. Her face is reminding me to you. Maybe it’s only my eyes playing tricks on me, since I yearned for you that badly. It was fun to work with her, but in the end… she still isn’t you. And it makes me stagnated, trapped in my own sorrow.
I need you.
I’m longing for you.
I need you to come back and take me back into your embrace…
After six months, you were finally come back. Your hair grew longer, and you looked more mature. I froze when we picked you up in the airport; I didn’t know what to do and I just merely stay quiet. You noticed that I was there and put a sheepish smile on your face. A smile, finally, a pure smile without any hatred. I smiled back, “ Okaerisanai “
I felt that you were forgave me already. Even we couldn’t turned back as we did in the past, the gap between us is slowly vanished. You looked into my eyes again, smiled and laughing without any hesitation… and it was pure. You put your heart in it, and it makes me happy.
“ I have been thinking about us while I was in LA “ Your gentle eyes stared at my face in such a heart-melting way, “ I realized that I was selfish, foolish, and thick-headed. I was too blind to see how much I hurt you. I was sunk in unexplained jealousy and it really killing me off “
“ Jin… “
“ I hated it when you debuted first with Pi, not because I thought you betrayed neither me and KAT-TUN. I just hate the feeling that he could support you better than us… than ME. It feels that I wasn’t good enough for you, and it frustrated me so much. I care so much about you. It hurts so much when the agency separated us and I couldn’t do anything… I’m afraid of losing you… and how foolish myself to let it happen lately. Please forgive me, Kazu… I love you. I always love you since years ago, when we were young and innocent… “ You slowly pulled my body closer into your embrace and my tears burst; rolling down from my cheeks and I just can’t stop it.
Finally, you are back.
And here I am, back in your warm embrace…
“ Ne, Jin… “
“ Hai…? “
“ I love you too… “
-owari-