[Fic: RPF] Headfirst, Fearless
Title: Headfirst, Fearless
Pairing: Selena Gomez/Taylor Swift, background Demi/Selena, Taylor S./Taylor L., Nick/Selena
Rating/Word Count: PG-13/6239
Disclaimer: I do not own Selena Gomez or Taylor Swift, nor any of the other real people used and/or mentioned in this fic. None of the portrayed events actually happened (no matter how much I wish they did); they are fiction. Other disclaimers are at my journal. This is an RPF femslash story, meaning about real people and two girls in a romantic relationship context. If either or both of those bother you, then this fic is not for you. Rating for mild language and sexy scenes.
A/N: Written for summerstorm as part of jb_ficexchange, and her prompt to write a Selena/Taylor inspired by/loosely based off of "Fearless." Title taken from Taylor Swift's song "Fearless." This was written several days before Christmas, so it therefore disregards anything past that point. Song featured inside is "Jump, Then Fall" by Taylor Swift. Takes place over a few months, hence the choppy feel. Please let me know if this was any good at all (since it's my first time to write them), or whether it just flat-out sucks. Just want to say thank you to everyone that has read anonymously, and for those that waited to see. Love you all!
Summary: Selena and Taylor spend a few months drawing closer than ever and discover yet another meaning of being fearless together.
"Being fearless [means] that you have a lot of fears and there are a lot of things that you're afraid of, but you jump anyway." Taylor Swift
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She first noticed it in September, in Demi and Selena’s hometown, and the current home of her ex-boyfriend and his family (when they ever get the chance to actually go home). Dallas always held a special place in her heart; the people are friendly with that Texas way of welcoming you in even if they didn’t know you at all, and she’s spent time here with each of the aforementioned people in her life. There’s a little vintage custom boot shop (the hip, cool kind, not the old dusty kind) literally a ten-minute train ride from the venue, and Taylor had received gifts that her friends bought there more than once.
The show was amazing, one of the best of the tour. It didn’t sell out in under five minutes like the Staples Center or Madison Square Garden, but it eventually sold out all the same, and the five-minute standing ovation from the fans at the American Airlines Center did it justice.
It happened near the start of the show, something she didn’t even realize at first. Everything progressed normally, and when she got to her usual intro for “Fearless,” she talked about first dates to a crowd that largely hadn’t experienced one yet, recalling how it felt to be fifteen and full of naive wonder when she’d been kissed for the first time that night, standing in the rain.
“This song is about the best first date ever,” she said in the cadenced tone that she’d found worked best for the crowd of flashing lights and screaming fans. “You know, the best first date ever has nothing to do with where you go to dinner, and the best first date ever has nothing to do with how fancy the car is that someone picks you up in, because the best first date happens when you’re with the person who makes you feel fearless.”
She launched into the song like normal, but her pulse raced upon hearing her words echo among the cheers and screams. She danced differently the rest of that night, too, swaying her hips in a way that would make Demi and Miley proud. Even though her mind raced nonstop, it was like something inside unlocked and let go, her logical brain not fully catching up with her own heart for the first time in a long time. She felt happy, really truly happy, for the first time since the VMA disaster, doing what she loved, and suddenly, with new inspiration.
After the Little Rock show the next night, she opened iChat and quickly found the person she’d been eager to talk to all night. Suddenly she popped up onscreen, looking more tired than the last time they’d talked, dark hair in a messy bun and wearing a wifebeater and pajama pants. Her eyes danced with a radiant smile, and Taylor heard the clacking of her multiple bracelets in the background.
“Taylor!” Her giggly, happy girl squealed, and Taylor couldn’t help but smile.
“Hey Lena,” she laughed while running her hands through the freshly washed blonde hair. Taylor heard background movement, then spotted Mandy onscreen behind Selena, stopping long enough to wave. Both girls laughed before Selena demanded details about the concert in her hometown, and it became apparent to Taylor that Selena wished she’d gone to this particular show more than any other. Taylor honestly didn’t even remember the last time Selena went home.
“It’s not like you weren’t already on YouTube, knowing you,” Taylor shot back, suppressing a laugh. Selena flushed a very pale pink and just shrugged before returning to the serious face that always made Taylor worry.
“Hey, Tay, I noticed something tonight,” she said, a nervous waver in her voice not present before. “Your intro for ‘Fearless’ was different. You didn’t talk about a boy, you just said a person.”
Taylor’s face paled and fell while the words, both Selena’s and her own from the night before, finally settled into her constantly running mind. Truthfully, she didn’t even realize it at the time, and didn’t yet know what it means. Leave it to Selena to pick up on it, though. Given everything she’s been through, it’s no wonder that she did. The girl didn’t get enough credit for just how smart she really is.
“I don’t know, Sel, I think it’s just because there’s guys out there, too, and it doesn’t make sense to not include them,” Taylor mused, the words rolling off her tongue with a horrifyingly practiced ease.
“Oh, okay,” Selena mumbled, eyes falling to the desk in front of her, and Taylor’s heart ached. She’d give anything to see Selena’s beautiful smile; not the fake professional smile, but the gentle adoring one that’s been such a rare sight lately.
“Hey, okay, so enough about me, tell me about the concert!” Taylor squealed, delighted when Selena smiled widely both at her antics and at the memory of the night before.
“It was so fun, so many people were there!” She laughed and rattled off name after name, but the sadness in her eyes indicated the one person who should’ve been there but didn’t show. Taylor loved Demi and actually was good friends with her, but hated what she saw happening to the once extremely close best friends.
Selena signed off when Mandy stuck her head back into the room to remind Selena to go to bed, and when she noticed Taylor also nodding off. Taylor fell asleep that night perfectly content, dreaming of cheerleaders stripping off her band uniform during the show, one with an oddly familiar baby face and innocently sad brown eyes.
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Her back arched off the bed and a whimper escaped her lips before she even realized what was happening. Blonde curls fell like a fountain around them as kisses ghosted down her body, from her neck to her chest. Not sucking, teasing kisses, but barely there dustings of lips across skin. Selena’s nerves were in shambles and all the blood rushed downward in the near-worship of her body.
Hands found the blonde curls and held them in place over her chest, a low moan escaping before she could control it. Lips suckled the mole just above the swell of her breast, and she felt herself slowly coming undone and alive all at once. Selena felt hands brush past her arms, fingering the zipper of her dark red dress, the black leather jacket long gone. She sensed the hesitation and nodded in response, looking down and meeting sparkling blue eyes full of adoration, devotion, and love. The dress slowly slid down her arms, pooling at her hips and leaving her totally exposed. Blue eyes darkened visibly, reminding Selena of a storm at sea and sending sparks flying off every inch of their joined skin. Those calloused fingertips finally hit her black tights, and Selena couldn’t help the low pleading moan escaping from her throat.
“Taylor...”
Selena woke with a start, shocked and confused by the dream. The only other person who’d ever starred in those types of dreams was Demi, and that ended badly several months ago. She looked at her bedside clock and rolled over with a sigh. It was an hour and a half before her alarm; too early to wake up yet too late to go back to sleep. Against her better judgement, she sent Taylor a quick text to meet her for breakfast if she woke up in time. After all, who knew when they’d get to hang out in the same city again anytime soon? In the space of only a month, the late-night iChat sessions were no longer enough to sate Selena’s need to keep Taylor by her side.
Selena shrugged off the dream as something she ate at Maggiano’s the night before (or maybe the pumpkin fro-yo Taylor made her try at Menchie’s to cheer her up), because even though Taylor knew she liked girls, there was absolutely no way last night’s dream could ever come true. Even if she wanted it to more than she’d ever admit.
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Selena sat in her bed, poking around on the internet right before bed one night, checking Facebook, Twitter and her email before turning out the light. She clicked a randomly retweeted link, immediately regretting it when yet another paparazzi shot of her friends, dubbed “Taylor Squared,” popped up before her rather annoyed eyes, along with separate photos of her own with each of the two. The thing with Taylor Lautner hurt, to the point that David all but threatened to murder him. But really, it wasn’t anyone’s fault but her own. He showed interest back in April, during filming in Vancouver, at the world’s most perfect timing. Joey had been her saving grace, then Taylor showed up on set one day to hang out. Once he took her and Joey out to McDonald’s and to hang out in an old abandoned part of the city. All three of them noticed the unspoken elephant in the room that day, that if she only imagined it right, together the three of them made the perfect normal family.
They still talk and hang out, but their relationship ended rather quickly and quietly. The three dates they went on showed a few obvious things: that he was crushing on her hard, that he made her feel like herself again for the first time in a long time, and that she’d never be more than just his friend. The final, devastating realization came when he began to show interest in her best friend Taylor Swift. It stopped Selena in her tracks, finally making her aware that she’d even been running at all. Running from the truth that maybe their whole relationship was a lie, yet another mistake she’d made after Nick Jonas broke her heart and Demi Lovato shattered the pieces left behind.
But even in the midst of Taylor Swift showing viable interest in her ex-boyfriend, she managed to patch up the damage to Selena’s fragile heart. Selena (under Taylor’s devoted care) transformed from the skittish, shy young Disney kid she’d become back into the outgoing, shining starlet she’d once been, complete with that mischievous innocence in her eyes.
After touring with her band The Scene more, Selena began to understand her friends and exes in ways she never imagined. She saw the temptation for a girl like Demi to get caught up in the excitement of it all, and all the voices telling her to just cut loose and leave all her problems, worries and mistakes behind her, within the fading city limit signs and long, empty lanes of the highways rolling out before her. She saw how easily Demi lost sight of home and everything important there, how with only white lines and flat asphalt for endless miles it was incredibly easy to feel like the road was the only thing that existed in the whole world.
She also began to understand why all her friends, not just Demi, upon arriving home often felt just as uneasy as out on the road. Texts, tweets, calls, iChat, Skype, whatever way they’d find, sometimes only made it even harder than before. Why did she always fall for these vagabond musicians, who’d travel the world over just to sing for anyone who’ll listen to them play? First Nick, then Demi, and now...she added Taylor Swift to that list.
When both Taylors (her ex and her best friend) each separately called her to get together to talk, she quickly put the pieces together and stayed upset for days. Not necessarily out of betrayal or jealousy, but just the feeling of getting left behind. It wasn’t until she heard “You Belong With Me” on KIIS FM on her way to the studio for the 900,000th time that she finally figured out the real reason why. Selena’s feelings slowly grew from just the attraction to her beautiful friend with sparkling bright blue eyes and the longest, hottest legs she’s ever seen to the woman with an innocent, wide-open heart and an underlying sexy confidence of which Taylor herself wasn’t even aware.
Selena spoke to her at least once a day, but it never felt like enough, and it hadn’t for quite some time. But after what felt like forever, Taylor was coming back to LA for a week. A whole week for them to spend going to dinner and catching concerts and just running crazy through the city streets before at least one sleepover in which she’d get to fall asleep in Taylor’s arms. In the meantime, though, she turned out the light and put in her earbuds, Taylor singing her to sleep with stories of falling for someone untouchable.
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Taylor was in her element, and it felt amazing. Hosting Saturday Night Live was like living an indescribable dream. She got the opportunity to step into several different characters, put all her focus into acting and singing equally, being funny intentionally instead of just “oh hey, that Taylor girl’s hilarious on stage.” Her favorite skit by far was playing Samantha and pointing out parental driving errors, simply because she drew so much inspiration both from her and Abigail’s horrendous days of Driver’s Ed, and Demi’s and Miley’s recent stories of their respective mothers attempting to talk, text and drive at the same time, or swing an arm around to smack a smart-ass kid in the backseat while weaving in and out of interstate lanes.
But she thought of Selena most while holed up in the New York studio, whom she’d just seen less than two weeks before. Taylor missed Selena so much that it physically hurt, and her last memory of Selena from this most recent trip to LA was her favorite yet: sitting in Selena’s bedroom after dinner and showing her the video of Ellen’s prank from earlier that day. Selena laughed so hard that she fell over into Taylor’s lap and wound up staying there for nearly an hour, reading a bit before falling asleep to Taylor’s hands running through her hair.
Taylor caught herself just watching, loving how Selena looked more peaceful than she’d ever seen, so far from the usually tortured girl that saw herself constantly falling short of everyone’s expectations, namely her own. Taylor knew Selena’s sexuality played largely into that, feeling that she’d killed all Mandy’s dreams when Selena told her about the true nature of her relationship with Demi, then of course when they broke up due to the strain of touring, Disney, and how much they both grew up and apart. Demi discovered people more like her, and unfortunately in the process of finally feeling accepted for who she really was by more than just a handful of people, she’d managed to leave Selena behind. Taylor loved that her friend finally felt secure and happy with herself, but hated how Demi sacrificed Selena in the process.
When she finally needed to wake Selena to say good-bye, Taylor slid slowly out from under the beautiful sleeping girl and moved to gather her things, feeling a cold all the way to her bones at the loss of contact. Selena stirred at the movement, and Taylor knelt beside the bed, running her hands once more through the short dark curls, thumb brushing her cheek. Selena sleepily held her close for a good two minutes, brushing her lips across Taylor’s temple, causing the butterflies to erupt wildly in her stomach and for Taylor to return the kiss, both on Selena’s cheek and forehead.
Her phone brought out of her daydreams, lit up with a text from her boyfriend Taylor, reading “thinking about you, call when you can.” She felt a small smile slip across her face, along with a weight on her shoulders. When she first started dating Taylor Lautner, he genuinely made her happy, and really, that never changed. He adored her, constantly calling her beautiful and brilliant and hilarious, besides how lucky he felt to get to date an “older woman.” At first she blew off the lingering doubts about him being too much of a nice guy for it to last as the same ones from when she started dating Joe Jonas, knowing that it didn’t always turn out that way.
But now, the more Taylor thought it through, the more she realized that it’s not like what happened with Joe at all. With Joe she didn’t feel anything at first because she wasn’t fully over her passionate and emotionally expressive ex-boyfriend, a slightly less than Disney approved guy that she’d fallen hard for. Eventually it all came in time, leading to her worst breakup ever. This time, though, she wondered if the reason she didn’t feeling much at all could be because she’s finally accepted the possibility that she’s dating the wrong seventeen-year-old actor. She had enough friends of varying sexualities to know that dating a girl once didn’t make you a lesbian for life, and she really didn’t care much about it either way. Honestly, she feared breaking Selena all over again more than anything to do with sexuality or attraction at all. What would Selena think of her supposedly straight best friend suddenly saying that she wanted to date her?
Way too chicken do anything else, she decided to keep dating Taylor Lautner, throw herself fully into the rest of the week, and simply write song after song about her conflicted emotions. But even she knew that couldn’t last long, especially since Selena dominated her mind as she performed on Saturday night, hearing the longing in her own voice when she sang, subconsciously encouraging Selena to jump and fall along with her.
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The next time Selena saw Taylor, really saw her before her own eyes, she’d just come off an emotional high, back after a weekend at home in Dallas, and a great concert at the House of Blues. She loved playing smaller shows, a more intimate feel than the huge area concerts of her friends (that so didn’t impressed her anymore). The girls met for a lunch date at Mozza’s and decided to hang out and watch the Grammy nomination concert together later that night during an avoid-the-Jonas-exes sleepover, and Selena just really wanted to spend time with her again.
Selena arrived at the restaurant with Taylor’s birthday present in tow, since her Tempe concert was the night of Taylor’s birthday, and she felt incredibly selfish for wishing for Taylor to come see Selena on her own birthday. It felt kinda momentous, Taylor turning twenty, because she’s officially not a teenager anymore, and it only reminded Selena just how much older than her Taylor actually is, and further drove home what she’d always known, that Taylor was way out of her league.
Taylor wore her hair straight that day, and she looked so different yet still incredibly beautiful, and she gave Taylor strict instructions not to open the present until her actual birthday. Taylor brought her back a fun ruffled purse from London, and they took pictures with this weird creeper guy while waiting on their food to arrive. Anything to stave off the boredom of listening to the seemingly endless talk about Selena’s ex-boyfriend. The conversation turned awkward at times, something highly unusual for them, almost like there was a huge secret hanging in the air between them.
Selena gave interviews and such while Taylor went to hang out with her boyfriend for the afternoon. Later that night Selena showed up outside Taylor’s hotel suite carrying a duffel bag of clothes and purse full of movies, already wearing the blue polka dot boxers and green pajama shirt she bought from Target with Taylor back in October. Taylor opened the door and practically tackled Selena, wearing her own pink shirt and matching gray boxers with pink rabbits, complete with white slipper boots halfway up her calves. All breath practically left Selena’s body, her mouth watering at the view of Taylor’s long legs, and watching Taylor dance around the suite in excitement later that night sent Selena’s heart bursting with pride and desire, but also love. Selena knew, despite any lie she’d told herself before, that she was yet again in love with her best friend.
After Andrea went to bed, they curled up in Taylor’s room of the suite, watching movies together on her laptop. Selena dozed in and out for about an hour before Taylor shifted to shut the computer down and turn out the lights. The noise and movement roused Selena enough for her eyes to flutter, and she couldn’t help the small smile on her face when Taylor drew her close and cuddled Selena to her chest. Taylor’s hand threaded through her hair, kissing her forehead and nose.
“Sweet dreams,” Taylor whispered into Selena’s ear, “I love you, so much. Goodnight beautiful.” Taylor curled even further into Selena, tangling their legs together before finally falling asleep. Selena’s mind raced, wondering if it wasn’t all just another cruel and painful dream. She decided that she needed to tell her best friend the truth, possibly risking her heart for yet a third time, and Selena couldn’t breathe until Taylor burrowed her face into Selena’s hair. At that, she finally relaxed and allowed herself the indulgence of sleeping in Taylor’s arms, wanting to savor the feeling for what might possibly be the last time.
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Taylor’s birthday seemed slightly surreal, just because it felt weird to hear herself say that she was twenty now, not sixteen or nineteen. She didn’t feel that old, really. Sixteen felt like yesterday, yet it was four years ago. She couldn’t help reflecting on how far she’d come, and all the dreams she’d seen come to fruition since then.
The night she won CMA Entertainer of the Year, Taylor remembered telling a reporter (through the haze and shock and adrenaline) that she’d achieved the epitome of all her dreams, and that now she needed to find some new ones.
Now she’d finally found one, just not one she wanted to share with anyone else. She hadn’t even told her mom yet. Taylor just couldn’t bring herself to, yet she’d already written at least three new songs about it. She just let her mom and the handful of other people who heard them think she wrote them about her new boyfriend. But no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t conjure up enough passion about him to write in a song, and it just confounded her because that had never happened before.
Her new dream? Selena becoming more than just her friend. It felt wrong to even think it, because she was already dating someone and she’d promised herself that she’d never be that girl. But until she found any indication or chance for it to ever happen, Taylor refused to confess or do anything differently than she was doing now.
She opened Selena’s gift last, wanting to savor that excitement and the thrill of it all day long. Taylor found herself in a giggly, crazy mood and decided to write a MySpace blog to thank her fans for the thousands of birthday wishes she’d received throughout the day, when she got a tweet from Selena, alerting Taylor that she’d sent a direct message. Curious, she clicked it and read the message.
“Wanted to say happy 20th, again! :) Made a video today, but don’t click til after midnight. It’s REAL important. Link in next message. <3 u.”
Sure enough, another message followed a few seconds later, and it contained a video link to Selena’s YouTube account, with a password to give Taylor viewing access. She only had a day, since Selena set it to delete after twenty-four hours. Growing increasingly intrigued, Taylor glanced at the clock. 11:21pm. She worked more on her blog, and when the clock turned 12:01am, she went to the site, typed in the password, and watched her beautiful friend begin to speak onscreen.
“Hey Taylor,” Selena smiled nervously, “I’m sure you’re wondering about all the secrecy.” She tucked a few strands of hair behind her ears, Taylor’s first clue that something was definitely wrong. “There’s something I’ve been hiding from you, this huge secret that’s been eating me alive for the past few months, and I’ve always been the kind of person that just confronts it and gets over it, and I feel like such a coward this way, but I just can’t make myself do it face to face with you. I guess maybe I thought by doing this I could at least pretend you never clicked the link, or that it got lost or something? I don’t know. I just want to say that I’m sorry for what I’m about to do, that I’m not usually this way. That’s why I wanted you to wait until after your birthday was officially over, so that I didn’t ruin it for you. I’m just, I’m so sorry.”
Selena’s voice caught on that last word and tears streamed down her face, slowly but quickly gaining speed. Taylor felt her own eyes water and wanted nothing more than to hold Selena close, take on all that pain herself and kiss Selena’s tears away.
“Okay, so here’s the thing Taylor. You suck at this, unless you write it in a song, and I already told you all this about me and just...well, anyway, I like you. Like you, like you, more than a friend should like you, almost I’m totally in love with you like you. I know you’re so not even like that, that you write songs about boys and everything and that it’s probably never occurred to you to feel that way about a girl, let alone me, but you’re my best friend, and I can’t keep it in any more. I can’t keep pretending that seeing you with Taylor Lautner doesn’t tear me apart inside, that each time I see you shake your hips onstage my thoughts take a turn for the so not appropriate.” Selena chuckled ruefully, before turning her attention back to the situation at hand.
“Each time I see the pain in your eyes when you sing ‘Fifteen’ I hurt, too, and you’ve helped me deal with so many things...you helped me heal and put the pieces back together, and made life worth really living again. You’re probably thinking, what about Demi? Am I over her, or is this some rebound emotion thing, or what? You know what, Tay, it’s not. At least, I don’t think it is. I love her, and I probably always will, but...I finally figured out why we fell apart, why she ran away from it all. She just can’t be what I need right now. I think on some level she knew that, and I’ve come to accept it, too. But you...I know that you can. That song intro you gave in Dallas changed everything. It made all these missing pieces float to the surface, because of all the people in the world, and everyone else in my life, you’re the one who makes me fearless.”
Selena’s shoulders hunched over and she held her head in her hands, almost like the confession took away both the physical burden she carried for so long and all emotional strength with which she’d shouldered it all.
“Now that I’ve basically poured out my heart,” Selena mumbled, chancing a glance back up to her computer screen, “do with it whatever you want. Pretend you never saw it, yell at me or try to let me down easy. Whatever, just, know that you’re the friend I’ve always wanted to be, and that no matter what happens, I love you always.”
The video ended, and Taylor just stared at the screen in shock. She heard the last thing she ever expected to hear from Selena, far more than her mind could take in. She grabbed a pencil and her closest acoustic, hoping it’d help her deal with everything she’d experienced in the last hour. Nearly an hour and the beginnings of lyrics and melody for a new song later, Taylor resolved to make things right, and forever take away Selena’s pain, if only she could figure out how to make it happen. But as she scrolled through her iPhone’s contacts, she knew at least one thing that needed to happen first.
Finally the voice on the other end answered. “Hey, Taylor?” She asked, hoping to not do it this way, not with him and how amazing he’d always been. “Are you able to get on iChat anytime soon? You are? Good. Well, we need to talk...”
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Selena felt like a shadow of a girl when she stepped into the terminal at Nashville International Airport. She made her way to the bathroom, hoping to freshen herself up. She’d had a long, long week, and a very long and agonizing flight due to a weather delay left over from earlier that morning. She hadn’t slept much the night before, either, except for part of the six hour drive back from her San Francisco concert.
A few weeks before, Taylor talked her into flying out to visit for a few days during their Christmas breaks, so Selena persuaded her mother to allow her to take a different flight home to Texas two days later than scheduled, following a trip to Nashville. After three days of begging and pleading (especially since she didn’t want to take a bodyguard with her), Mandy finally agreed provided that the Swifts picked her up directly.
After she made and sent her video to Taylor (and immediately cried herself to sleep), she’d prepared to change her travel plans until she received a text the next morning from Taylor that read, “saw the video. we need to talk, face to face. still coming to nashville? wanna see you & talk about it all. lovelovelove you.”
Hence she saw Austin Swift standing at the baggage carousel twenty minutes later, complete with his own big, dorky wave much like his older sister’s. He greeted her with yellow roses from Taylor and a “how you doin’?” Selena laughed and hit him in the arm, accepting the huge hug she found herself wrapped up in a moment later.
They spent the half hour drive to Hendersonville (save for a trip to Starbucks for a peppermint white mocha for Taylor and a caramel macchiato for Selena) in silence, Austin seemingly picking up on her mood and giving her space while she stared out the window at the gloomy Tennessee sky. Something about the Swift siblings and their intuitive nature with her. Upon arriving at their sprawling lake house, he opened her door, smiling sweetly, but stopped her as she made her way to the trunk to get her bags.
“No, Sel, I’m taking these,” Austin cut in, gesturing to the trunk and roses. “You’re going to the docks. Tay’s waiting for you there.” He pulled her bags out and set them on the ground, looking at her curiously before pulling her in for a big strong hug.
“Selena, it’s okay,” Austin whispered, causing her tension to ease slightly. “Trust me, Selena, I promise it’ll all be okay.” He placed a kiss on the top of her head and then released her from the hold, nervously scratching his neck while Selena smoothed out her hair for the third time in as many seconds.
“You still remember where the docks are, right?” Austin questioned, and she nodded, still unable to speak.
“Good, she’d kill me if I lost you,” he chuckled, drawing a smile from her as well. “I’ll see you in a bit, Mom’s working on some chocolate peanut butter brownies for you, hopefully there’ll be some left.” Selena looked at him scandalized before he turned around and waved, leaving her on her own to face her fate.
She found Taylor on the platform just before the boat docks, sitting in a circle of random candles flickering underneath the cloudy mid-afternoon sky. Nashville’s temperature hovered in the lower forties outside and Taylor wore a coat, hat, scarf, and fingerless gloves, her koi guitar sitting nearby.
Taylor stood and offered her hand to Selena, guiding her through the maze of candles and onto the blanket Taylor herself sat on. Taylor took her drink thankfully, and quickly got right to the point.
“Selena, when I saw what you sent,” she started, not fully sure what exactly to say even after practicing it in her mind thirty different times, “It shocked me, really.” Selena’s eyes cast down to focus on one candle directly beside Taylor, the flame flickering so much in the lakeside breeze that it nearly blew out completely.
“I never expected it,” Taylor continued, “but more than anything, I felt my heart breaking because all I wanted was to hold you and kiss away your tears.” Selena’s eyes flitted up to Taylor’s for a moment, not sure that she’d heard the girl right. Taylor’s eyes held such compassion and wonder and love that Selena’s heart raced.
“I want to apologize, Lena, because there’s so much I need to tell you and I, I can’t make myself say the words, can’t bring myself to say exactly how I feel. You’re right, I suck at this.” Both girls shared a laugh, leaning into each other almost unconsciously.
“I’m working on a song, but it’s not finished or sharable yet, not for this, so I’ve got another I’m sure you’ve heard a lot lately,” Taylor trailed off, her next words so low Selena almost didn’t hear them at all, “but I’m not brave like you and this is all I have.”
With that she slid the guitar into her arms, an ease with which Selena envied even while her heart pounded in time with the rhythm of the song’s opening chords. She noticed Taylor’s hands shake when they hit the frets, unsure if it was a result of the cold or something deeper. While she knew Taylor’s music very well, the lyrics of the first verse eluded her until a familiar chorus hit both her mind and heart all at once.
“Every time you smile, I smile
And every time you shine,
I’ll shine for you
Whoa I need you baby
Don’t be afraid to
Jump then fall
Jump then fall
Into me
Be there, never gonna leave you
See that you want to be with me too
I’m gonna stay through it all so jump then fall”
Once Taylor concluded the song, Selena instantly reached out for Taylor and pulled her in, holding on as Taylor trembled in her arms. Selena couldn’t help but think about how right it felt, and she ignored the crackling thunder in the distance and focused all her energy on this moment. When Taylor’s face tilted back up, she wiped away the few stray tears.
“How long?” Selena whispered in her ear, noticing how Taylor shuddered when Selena’s lips brushed her skin.
“Since Dallas,” she whispered back, and Selena’s eyes went wide. Taylor slowly shifted away from Selena, feeling a fat raindrop hit her nose, quickly followed by another.
“Let’s go inside, Lena, I think it’s about to rain,” Taylor said, standing up and reaching down to help Selena up, too. Selena glanced around and saw something she didn’t notice before: an old, beaten battery-operated radio.
“Ha, no,” she laughed, an idea taking shape. “You’ve always wanted to dance in the rain, now’s your chance.” Selena reached out and turned on the radio, a country station’s signal filling the surrounding air.
She reached out and took Taylor’s hand, and they fell into an easy rhythm to Lady Antebellum’s “Need You Now,” Taylor’s fingers pressed into the small of Selena’s back in the pattern of guitar chords. Selena smiled softly to herself and pulled Taylor impossibly closer when the song faded into “Til Summer Comes Around.”
Just when Selena’s hands moved from their idle position around her neck to pull Taylor’s head down toward her, the sky opened up and the rain that had only softly fallen around them before suddenly poured down hard.
Taylor grabbed Selena’s hand, both of them shrieking like little girls, and ran back up to the house. They reached the huge wraparound porch and leaned against the doorway, giggling and attempting to catch their breath. Taylor laughed so hard that she nearly collapsed, and only Selena’s strong arms kept her from falling.
Finally their laughter subsided, and the mood created at the docks came back in full force. Selena’s arms slid up Taylor’s back to her shoulders, her own body leaning further in. Taylor’s eyes changed, and she seemed to find the courage that she’d lacked before. She leaned down and tilted Selena’s chin up, and suddenly their lips connected with startling ease. It was gentle and loving, yet passionate and strong, and wow, Taylor’s an amazing kisser, more so than she ever imagined.
Selena pulled back, still a bit hazy, and took in the sight before her: Taylor with flushed cheeks and the smallest, most gentle and genuine smile she’d ever seen...the result of a flawless first kiss of hopefully so many more. Taylor reached for the handle, and Selena followed her through the open door into the house and the unknown, headfirst and fearless.
Pairing: Selena Gomez/Taylor Swift, background Demi/Selena, Taylor S./Taylor L., Nick/Selena
Rating/Word Count: PG-13/6239
Disclaimer: I do not own Selena Gomez or Taylor Swift, nor any of the other real people used and/or mentioned in this fic. None of the portrayed events actually happened (no matter how much I wish they did); they are fiction. Other disclaimers are at my journal. This is an RPF femslash story, meaning about real people and two girls in a romantic relationship context. If either or both of those bother you, then this fic is not for you. Rating for mild language and sexy scenes.
A/N: Written for summerstorm as part of jb_ficexchange, and her prompt to write a Selena/Taylor inspired by/loosely based off of "Fearless." Title taken from Taylor Swift's song "Fearless." This was written several days before Christmas, so it therefore disregards anything past that point. Song featured inside is "Jump, Then Fall" by Taylor Swift. Takes place over a few months, hence the choppy feel. Please let me know if this was any good at all (since it's my first time to write them), or whether it just flat-out sucks. Just want to say thank you to everyone that has read anonymously, and for those that waited to see. Love you all!
Summary: Selena and Taylor spend a few months drawing closer than ever and discover yet another meaning of being fearless together.
"Being fearless [means] that you have a lot of fears and there are a lot of things that you're afraid of, but you jump anyway." Taylor Swift
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She first noticed it in September, in Demi and Selena’s hometown, and the current home of her ex-boyfriend and his family (when they ever get the chance to actually go home). Dallas always held a special place in her heart; the people are friendly with that Texas way of welcoming you in even if they didn’t know you at all, and she’s spent time here with each of the aforementioned people in her life. There’s a little vintage custom boot shop (the hip, cool kind, not the old dusty kind) literally a ten-minute train ride from the venue, and Taylor had received gifts that her friends bought there more than once.
The show was amazing, one of the best of the tour. It didn’t sell out in under five minutes like the Staples Center or Madison Square Garden, but it eventually sold out all the same, and the five-minute standing ovation from the fans at the American Airlines Center did it justice.
It happened near the start of the show, something she didn’t even realize at first. Everything progressed normally, and when she got to her usual intro for “Fearless,” she talked about first dates to a crowd that largely hadn’t experienced one yet, recalling how it felt to be fifteen and full of naive wonder when she’d been kissed for the first time that night, standing in the rain.
“This song is about the best first date ever,” she said in the cadenced tone that she’d found worked best for the crowd of flashing lights and screaming fans. “You know, the best first date ever has nothing to do with where you go to dinner, and the best first date ever has nothing to do with how fancy the car is that someone picks you up in, because the best first date happens when you’re with the person who makes you feel fearless.”
She launched into the song like normal, but her pulse raced upon hearing her words echo among the cheers and screams. She danced differently the rest of that night, too, swaying her hips in a way that would make Demi and Miley proud. Even though her mind raced nonstop, it was like something inside unlocked and let go, her logical brain not fully catching up with her own heart for the first time in a long time. She felt happy, really truly happy, for the first time since the VMA disaster, doing what she loved, and suddenly, with new inspiration.
After the Little Rock show the next night, she opened iChat and quickly found the person she’d been eager to talk to all night. Suddenly she popped up onscreen, looking more tired than the last time they’d talked, dark hair in a messy bun and wearing a wifebeater and pajama pants. Her eyes danced with a radiant smile, and Taylor heard the clacking of her multiple bracelets in the background.
“Taylor!” Her giggly, happy girl squealed, and Taylor couldn’t help but smile.
“Hey Lena,” she laughed while running her hands through the freshly washed blonde hair. Taylor heard background movement, then spotted Mandy onscreen behind Selena, stopping long enough to wave. Both girls laughed before Selena demanded details about the concert in her hometown, and it became apparent to Taylor that Selena wished she’d gone to this particular show more than any other. Taylor honestly didn’t even remember the last time Selena went home.
“It’s not like you weren’t already on YouTube, knowing you,” Taylor shot back, suppressing a laugh. Selena flushed a very pale pink and just shrugged before returning to the serious face that always made Taylor worry.
“Hey, Tay, I noticed something tonight,” she said, a nervous waver in her voice not present before. “Your intro for ‘Fearless’ was different. You didn’t talk about a boy, you just said a person.”
Taylor’s face paled and fell while the words, both Selena’s and her own from the night before, finally settled into her constantly running mind. Truthfully, she didn’t even realize it at the time, and didn’t yet know what it means. Leave it to Selena to pick up on it, though. Given everything she’s been through, it’s no wonder that she did. The girl didn’t get enough credit for just how smart she really is.
“I don’t know, Sel, I think it’s just because there’s guys out there, too, and it doesn’t make sense to not include them,” Taylor mused, the words rolling off her tongue with a horrifyingly practiced ease.
“Oh, okay,” Selena mumbled, eyes falling to the desk in front of her, and Taylor’s heart ached. She’d give anything to see Selena’s beautiful smile; not the fake professional smile, but the gentle adoring one that’s been such a rare sight lately.
“Hey, okay, so enough about me, tell me about the concert!” Taylor squealed, delighted when Selena smiled widely both at her antics and at the memory of the night before.
“It was so fun, so many people were there!” She laughed and rattled off name after name, but the sadness in her eyes indicated the one person who should’ve been there but didn’t show. Taylor loved Demi and actually was good friends with her, but hated what she saw happening to the once extremely close best friends.
Selena signed off when Mandy stuck her head back into the room to remind Selena to go to bed, and when she noticed Taylor also nodding off. Taylor fell asleep that night perfectly content, dreaming of cheerleaders stripping off her band uniform during the show, one with an oddly familiar baby face and innocently sad brown eyes.
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Her back arched off the bed and a whimper escaped her lips before she even realized what was happening. Blonde curls fell like a fountain around them as kisses ghosted down her body, from her neck to her chest. Not sucking, teasing kisses, but barely there dustings of lips across skin. Selena’s nerves were in shambles and all the blood rushed downward in the near-worship of her body.
Hands found the blonde curls and held them in place over her chest, a low moan escaping before she could control it. Lips suckled the mole just above the swell of her breast, and she felt herself slowly coming undone and alive all at once. Selena felt hands brush past her arms, fingering the zipper of her dark red dress, the black leather jacket long gone. She sensed the hesitation and nodded in response, looking down and meeting sparkling blue eyes full of adoration, devotion, and love. The dress slowly slid down her arms, pooling at her hips and leaving her totally exposed. Blue eyes darkened visibly, reminding Selena of a storm at sea and sending sparks flying off every inch of their joined skin. Those calloused fingertips finally hit her black tights, and Selena couldn’t help the low pleading moan escaping from her throat.
“Taylor...”
Selena woke with a start, shocked and confused by the dream. The only other person who’d ever starred in those types of dreams was Demi, and that ended badly several months ago. She looked at her bedside clock and rolled over with a sigh. It was an hour and a half before her alarm; too early to wake up yet too late to go back to sleep. Against her better judgement, she sent Taylor a quick text to meet her for breakfast if she woke up in time. After all, who knew when they’d get to hang out in the same city again anytime soon? In the space of only a month, the late-night iChat sessions were no longer enough to sate Selena’s need to keep Taylor by her side.
Selena shrugged off the dream as something she ate at Maggiano’s the night before (or maybe the pumpkin fro-yo Taylor made her try at Menchie’s to cheer her up), because even though Taylor knew she liked girls, there was absolutely no way last night’s dream could ever come true. Even if she wanted it to more than she’d ever admit.
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Selena sat in her bed, poking around on the internet right before bed one night, checking Facebook, Twitter and her email before turning out the light. She clicked a randomly retweeted link, immediately regretting it when yet another paparazzi shot of her friends, dubbed “Taylor Squared,” popped up before her rather annoyed eyes, along with separate photos of her own with each of the two. The thing with Taylor Lautner hurt, to the point that David all but threatened to murder him. But really, it wasn’t anyone’s fault but her own. He showed interest back in April, during filming in Vancouver, at the world’s most perfect timing. Joey had been her saving grace, then Taylor showed up on set one day to hang out. Once he took her and Joey out to McDonald’s and to hang out in an old abandoned part of the city. All three of them noticed the unspoken elephant in the room that day, that if she only imagined it right, together the three of them made the perfect normal family.
They still talk and hang out, but their relationship ended rather quickly and quietly. The three dates they went on showed a few obvious things: that he was crushing on her hard, that he made her feel like herself again for the first time in a long time, and that she’d never be more than just his friend. The final, devastating realization came when he began to show interest in her best friend Taylor Swift. It stopped Selena in her tracks, finally making her aware that she’d even been running at all. Running from the truth that maybe their whole relationship was a lie, yet another mistake she’d made after Nick Jonas broke her heart and Demi Lovato shattered the pieces left behind.
But even in the midst of Taylor Swift showing viable interest in her ex-boyfriend, she managed to patch up the damage to Selena’s fragile heart. Selena (under Taylor’s devoted care) transformed from the skittish, shy young Disney kid she’d become back into the outgoing, shining starlet she’d once been, complete with that mischievous innocence in her eyes.
After touring with her band The Scene more, Selena began to understand her friends and exes in ways she never imagined. She saw the temptation for a girl like Demi to get caught up in the excitement of it all, and all the voices telling her to just cut loose and leave all her problems, worries and mistakes behind her, within the fading city limit signs and long, empty lanes of the highways rolling out before her. She saw how easily Demi lost sight of home and everything important there, how with only white lines and flat asphalt for endless miles it was incredibly easy to feel like the road was the only thing that existed in the whole world.
She also began to understand why all her friends, not just Demi, upon arriving home often felt just as uneasy as out on the road. Texts, tweets, calls, iChat, Skype, whatever way they’d find, sometimes only made it even harder than before. Why did she always fall for these vagabond musicians, who’d travel the world over just to sing for anyone who’ll listen to them play? First Nick, then Demi, and now...she added Taylor Swift to that list.
When both Taylors (her ex and her best friend) each separately called her to get together to talk, she quickly put the pieces together and stayed upset for days. Not necessarily out of betrayal or jealousy, but just the feeling of getting left behind. It wasn’t until she heard “You Belong With Me” on KIIS FM on her way to the studio for the 900,000th time that she finally figured out the real reason why. Selena’s feelings slowly grew from just the attraction to her beautiful friend with sparkling bright blue eyes and the longest, hottest legs she’s ever seen to the woman with an innocent, wide-open heart and an underlying sexy confidence of which Taylor herself wasn’t even aware.
Selena spoke to her at least once a day, but it never felt like enough, and it hadn’t for quite some time. But after what felt like forever, Taylor was coming back to LA for a week. A whole week for them to spend going to dinner and catching concerts and just running crazy through the city streets before at least one sleepover in which she’d get to fall asleep in Taylor’s arms. In the meantime, though, she turned out the light and put in her earbuds, Taylor singing her to sleep with stories of falling for someone untouchable.
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Taylor was in her element, and it felt amazing. Hosting Saturday Night Live was like living an indescribable dream. She got the opportunity to step into several different characters, put all her focus into acting and singing equally, being funny intentionally instead of just “oh hey, that Taylor girl’s hilarious on stage.” Her favorite skit by far was playing Samantha and pointing out parental driving errors, simply because she drew so much inspiration both from her and Abigail’s horrendous days of Driver’s Ed, and Demi’s and Miley’s recent stories of their respective mothers attempting to talk, text and drive at the same time, or swing an arm around to smack a smart-ass kid in the backseat while weaving in and out of interstate lanes.
But she thought of Selena most while holed up in the New York studio, whom she’d just seen less than two weeks before. Taylor missed Selena so much that it physically hurt, and her last memory of Selena from this most recent trip to LA was her favorite yet: sitting in Selena’s bedroom after dinner and showing her the video of Ellen’s prank from earlier that day. Selena laughed so hard that she fell over into Taylor’s lap and wound up staying there for nearly an hour, reading a bit before falling asleep to Taylor’s hands running through her hair.
Taylor caught herself just watching, loving how Selena looked more peaceful than she’d ever seen, so far from the usually tortured girl that saw herself constantly falling short of everyone’s expectations, namely her own. Taylor knew Selena’s sexuality played largely into that, feeling that she’d killed all Mandy’s dreams when Selena told her about the true nature of her relationship with Demi, then of course when they broke up due to the strain of touring, Disney, and how much they both grew up and apart. Demi discovered people more like her, and unfortunately in the process of finally feeling accepted for who she really was by more than just a handful of people, she’d managed to leave Selena behind. Taylor loved that her friend finally felt secure and happy with herself, but hated how Demi sacrificed Selena in the process.
When she finally needed to wake Selena to say good-bye, Taylor slid slowly out from under the beautiful sleeping girl and moved to gather her things, feeling a cold all the way to her bones at the loss of contact. Selena stirred at the movement, and Taylor knelt beside the bed, running her hands once more through the short dark curls, thumb brushing her cheek. Selena sleepily held her close for a good two minutes, brushing her lips across Taylor’s temple, causing the butterflies to erupt wildly in her stomach and for Taylor to return the kiss, both on Selena’s cheek and forehead.
Her phone brought out of her daydreams, lit up with a text from her boyfriend Taylor, reading “thinking about you, call when you can.” She felt a small smile slip across her face, along with a weight on her shoulders. When she first started dating Taylor Lautner, he genuinely made her happy, and really, that never changed. He adored her, constantly calling her beautiful and brilliant and hilarious, besides how lucky he felt to get to date an “older woman.” At first she blew off the lingering doubts about him being too much of a nice guy for it to last as the same ones from when she started dating Joe Jonas, knowing that it didn’t always turn out that way.
But now, the more Taylor thought it through, the more she realized that it’s not like what happened with Joe at all. With Joe she didn’t feel anything at first because she wasn’t fully over her passionate and emotionally expressive ex-boyfriend, a slightly less than Disney approved guy that she’d fallen hard for. Eventually it all came in time, leading to her worst breakup ever. This time, though, she wondered if the reason she didn’t feeling much at all could be because she’s finally accepted the possibility that she’s dating the wrong seventeen-year-old actor. She had enough friends of varying sexualities to know that dating a girl once didn’t make you a lesbian for life, and she really didn’t care much about it either way. Honestly, she feared breaking Selena all over again more than anything to do with sexuality or attraction at all. What would Selena think of her supposedly straight best friend suddenly saying that she wanted to date her?
Way too chicken do anything else, she decided to keep dating Taylor Lautner, throw herself fully into the rest of the week, and simply write song after song about her conflicted emotions. But even she knew that couldn’t last long, especially since Selena dominated her mind as she performed on Saturday night, hearing the longing in her own voice when she sang, subconsciously encouraging Selena to jump and fall along with her.
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The next time Selena saw Taylor, really saw her before her own eyes, she’d just come off an emotional high, back after a weekend at home in Dallas, and a great concert at the House of Blues. She loved playing smaller shows, a more intimate feel than the huge area concerts of her friends (that so didn’t impressed her anymore). The girls met for a lunch date at Mozza’s and decided to hang out and watch the Grammy nomination concert together later that night during an avoid-the-Jonas-exes sleepover, and Selena just really wanted to spend time with her again.
Selena arrived at the restaurant with Taylor’s birthday present in tow, since her Tempe concert was the night of Taylor’s birthday, and she felt incredibly selfish for wishing for Taylor to come see Selena on her own birthday. It felt kinda momentous, Taylor turning twenty, because she’s officially not a teenager anymore, and it only reminded Selena just how much older than her Taylor actually is, and further drove home what she’d always known, that Taylor was way out of her league.
Taylor wore her hair straight that day, and she looked so different yet still incredibly beautiful, and she gave Taylor strict instructions not to open the present until her actual birthday. Taylor brought her back a fun ruffled purse from London, and they took pictures with this weird creeper guy while waiting on their food to arrive. Anything to stave off the boredom of listening to the seemingly endless talk about Selena’s ex-boyfriend. The conversation turned awkward at times, something highly unusual for them, almost like there was a huge secret hanging in the air between them.
Selena gave interviews and such while Taylor went to hang out with her boyfriend for the afternoon. Later that night Selena showed up outside Taylor’s hotel suite carrying a duffel bag of clothes and purse full of movies, already wearing the blue polka dot boxers and green pajama shirt she bought from Target with Taylor back in October. Taylor opened the door and practically tackled Selena, wearing her own pink shirt and matching gray boxers with pink rabbits, complete with white slipper boots halfway up her calves. All breath practically left Selena’s body, her mouth watering at the view of Taylor’s long legs, and watching Taylor dance around the suite in excitement later that night sent Selena’s heart bursting with pride and desire, but also love. Selena knew, despite any lie she’d told herself before, that she was yet again in love with her best friend.
After Andrea went to bed, they curled up in Taylor’s room of the suite, watching movies together on her laptop. Selena dozed in and out for about an hour before Taylor shifted to shut the computer down and turn out the lights. The noise and movement roused Selena enough for her eyes to flutter, and she couldn’t help the small smile on her face when Taylor drew her close and cuddled Selena to her chest. Taylor’s hand threaded through her hair, kissing her forehead and nose.
“Sweet dreams,” Taylor whispered into Selena’s ear, “I love you, so much. Goodnight beautiful.” Taylor curled even further into Selena, tangling their legs together before finally falling asleep. Selena’s mind raced, wondering if it wasn’t all just another cruel and painful dream. She decided that she needed to tell her best friend the truth, possibly risking her heart for yet a third time, and Selena couldn’t breathe until Taylor burrowed her face into Selena’s hair. At that, she finally relaxed and allowed herself the indulgence of sleeping in Taylor’s arms, wanting to savor the feeling for what might possibly be the last time.
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Taylor’s birthday seemed slightly surreal, just because it felt weird to hear herself say that she was twenty now, not sixteen or nineteen. She didn’t feel that old, really. Sixteen felt like yesterday, yet it was four years ago. She couldn’t help reflecting on how far she’d come, and all the dreams she’d seen come to fruition since then.
The night she won CMA Entertainer of the Year, Taylor remembered telling a reporter (through the haze and shock and adrenaline) that she’d achieved the epitome of all her dreams, and that now she needed to find some new ones.
Now she’d finally found one, just not one she wanted to share with anyone else. She hadn’t even told her mom yet. Taylor just couldn’t bring herself to, yet she’d already written at least three new songs about it. She just let her mom and the handful of other people who heard them think she wrote them about her new boyfriend. But no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t conjure up enough passion about him to write in a song, and it just confounded her because that had never happened before.
Her new dream? Selena becoming more than just her friend. It felt wrong to even think it, because she was already dating someone and she’d promised herself that she’d never be that girl. But until she found any indication or chance for it to ever happen, Taylor refused to confess or do anything differently than she was doing now.
She opened Selena’s gift last, wanting to savor that excitement and the thrill of it all day long. Taylor found herself in a giggly, crazy mood and decided to write a MySpace blog to thank her fans for the thousands of birthday wishes she’d received throughout the day, when she got a tweet from Selena, alerting Taylor that she’d sent a direct message. Curious, she clicked it and read the message.
“Wanted to say happy 20th, again! :) Made a video today, but don’t click til after midnight. It’s REAL important. Link in next message. <3 u.”
Sure enough, another message followed a few seconds later, and it contained a video link to Selena’s YouTube account, with a password to give Taylor viewing access. She only had a day, since Selena set it to delete after twenty-four hours. Growing increasingly intrigued, Taylor glanced at the clock. 11:21pm. She worked more on her blog, and when the clock turned 12:01am, she went to the site, typed in the password, and watched her beautiful friend begin to speak onscreen.
“Hey Taylor,” Selena smiled nervously, “I’m sure you’re wondering about all the secrecy.” She tucked a few strands of hair behind her ears, Taylor’s first clue that something was definitely wrong. “There’s something I’ve been hiding from you, this huge secret that’s been eating me alive for the past few months, and I’ve always been the kind of person that just confronts it and gets over it, and I feel like such a coward this way, but I just can’t make myself do it face to face with you. I guess maybe I thought by doing this I could at least pretend you never clicked the link, or that it got lost or something? I don’t know. I just want to say that I’m sorry for what I’m about to do, that I’m not usually this way. That’s why I wanted you to wait until after your birthday was officially over, so that I didn’t ruin it for you. I’m just, I’m so sorry.”
Selena’s voice caught on that last word and tears streamed down her face, slowly but quickly gaining speed. Taylor felt her own eyes water and wanted nothing more than to hold Selena close, take on all that pain herself and kiss Selena’s tears away.
“Okay, so here’s the thing Taylor. You suck at this, unless you write it in a song, and I already told you all this about me and just...well, anyway, I like you. Like you, like you, more than a friend should like you, almost I’m totally in love with you like you. I know you’re so not even like that, that you write songs about boys and everything and that it’s probably never occurred to you to feel that way about a girl, let alone me, but you’re my best friend, and I can’t keep it in any more. I can’t keep pretending that seeing you with Taylor Lautner doesn’t tear me apart inside, that each time I see you shake your hips onstage my thoughts take a turn for the so not appropriate.” Selena chuckled ruefully, before turning her attention back to the situation at hand.
“Each time I see the pain in your eyes when you sing ‘Fifteen’ I hurt, too, and you’ve helped me deal with so many things...you helped me heal and put the pieces back together, and made life worth really living again. You’re probably thinking, what about Demi? Am I over her, or is this some rebound emotion thing, or what? You know what, Tay, it’s not. At least, I don’t think it is. I love her, and I probably always will, but...I finally figured out why we fell apart, why she ran away from it all. She just can’t be what I need right now. I think on some level she knew that, and I’ve come to accept it, too. But you...I know that you can. That song intro you gave in Dallas changed everything. It made all these missing pieces float to the surface, because of all the people in the world, and everyone else in my life, you’re the one who makes me fearless.”
Selena’s shoulders hunched over and she held her head in her hands, almost like the confession took away both the physical burden she carried for so long and all emotional strength with which she’d shouldered it all.
“Now that I’ve basically poured out my heart,” Selena mumbled, chancing a glance back up to her computer screen, “do with it whatever you want. Pretend you never saw it, yell at me or try to let me down easy. Whatever, just, know that you’re the friend I’ve always wanted to be, and that no matter what happens, I love you always.”
The video ended, and Taylor just stared at the screen in shock. She heard the last thing she ever expected to hear from Selena, far more than her mind could take in. She grabbed a pencil and her closest acoustic, hoping it’d help her deal with everything she’d experienced in the last hour. Nearly an hour and the beginnings of lyrics and melody for a new song later, Taylor resolved to make things right, and forever take away Selena’s pain, if only she could figure out how to make it happen. But as she scrolled through her iPhone’s contacts, she knew at least one thing that needed to happen first.
Finally the voice on the other end answered. “Hey, Taylor?” She asked, hoping to not do it this way, not with him and how amazing he’d always been. “Are you able to get on iChat anytime soon? You are? Good. Well, we need to talk...”
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Selena felt like a shadow of a girl when she stepped into the terminal at Nashville International Airport. She made her way to the bathroom, hoping to freshen herself up. She’d had a long, long week, and a very long and agonizing flight due to a weather delay left over from earlier that morning. She hadn’t slept much the night before, either, except for part of the six hour drive back from her San Francisco concert.
A few weeks before, Taylor talked her into flying out to visit for a few days during their Christmas breaks, so Selena persuaded her mother to allow her to take a different flight home to Texas two days later than scheduled, following a trip to Nashville. After three days of begging and pleading (especially since she didn’t want to take a bodyguard with her), Mandy finally agreed provided that the Swifts picked her up directly.
After she made and sent her video to Taylor (and immediately cried herself to sleep), she’d prepared to change her travel plans until she received a text the next morning from Taylor that read, “saw the video. we need to talk, face to face. still coming to nashville? wanna see you & talk about it all. lovelovelove you.”
Hence she saw Austin Swift standing at the baggage carousel twenty minutes later, complete with his own big, dorky wave much like his older sister’s. He greeted her with yellow roses from Taylor and a “how you doin’?” Selena laughed and hit him in the arm, accepting the huge hug she found herself wrapped up in a moment later.
They spent the half hour drive to Hendersonville (save for a trip to Starbucks for a peppermint white mocha for Taylor and a caramel macchiato for Selena) in silence, Austin seemingly picking up on her mood and giving her space while she stared out the window at the gloomy Tennessee sky. Something about the Swift siblings and their intuitive nature with her. Upon arriving at their sprawling lake house, he opened her door, smiling sweetly, but stopped her as she made her way to the trunk to get her bags.
“No, Sel, I’m taking these,” Austin cut in, gesturing to the trunk and roses. “You’re going to the docks. Tay’s waiting for you there.” He pulled her bags out and set them on the ground, looking at her curiously before pulling her in for a big strong hug.
“Selena, it’s okay,” Austin whispered, causing her tension to ease slightly. “Trust me, Selena, I promise it’ll all be okay.” He placed a kiss on the top of her head and then released her from the hold, nervously scratching his neck while Selena smoothed out her hair for the third time in as many seconds.
“You still remember where the docks are, right?” Austin questioned, and she nodded, still unable to speak.
“Good, she’d kill me if I lost you,” he chuckled, drawing a smile from her as well. “I’ll see you in a bit, Mom’s working on some chocolate peanut butter brownies for you, hopefully there’ll be some left.” Selena looked at him scandalized before he turned around and waved, leaving her on her own to face her fate.
She found Taylor on the platform just before the boat docks, sitting in a circle of random candles flickering underneath the cloudy mid-afternoon sky. Nashville’s temperature hovered in the lower forties outside and Taylor wore a coat, hat, scarf, and fingerless gloves, her koi guitar sitting nearby.
Taylor stood and offered her hand to Selena, guiding her through the maze of candles and onto the blanket Taylor herself sat on. Taylor took her drink thankfully, and quickly got right to the point.
“Selena, when I saw what you sent,” she started, not fully sure what exactly to say even after practicing it in her mind thirty different times, “It shocked me, really.” Selena’s eyes cast down to focus on one candle directly beside Taylor, the flame flickering so much in the lakeside breeze that it nearly blew out completely.
“I never expected it,” Taylor continued, “but more than anything, I felt my heart breaking because all I wanted was to hold you and kiss away your tears.” Selena’s eyes flitted up to Taylor’s for a moment, not sure that she’d heard the girl right. Taylor’s eyes held such compassion and wonder and love that Selena’s heart raced.
“I want to apologize, Lena, because there’s so much I need to tell you and I, I can’t make myself say the words, can’t bring myself to say exactly how I feel. You’re right, I suck at this.” Both girls shared a laugh, leaning into each other almost unconsciously.
“I’m working on a song, but it’s not finished or sharable yet, not for this, so I’ve got another I’m sure you’ve heard a lot lately,” Taylor trailed off, her next words so low Selena almost didn’t hear them at all, “but I’m not brave like you and this is all I have.”
With that she slid the guitar into her arms, an ease with which Selena envied even while her heart pounded in time with the rhythm of the song’s opening chords. She noticed Taylor’s hands shake when they hit the frets, unsure if it was a result of the cold or something deeper. While she knew Taylor’s music very well, the lyrics of the first verse eluded her until a familiar chorus hit both her mind and heart all at once.
“Every time you smile, I smile
And every time you shine,
I’ll shine for you
Whoa I need you baby
Don’t be afraid to
Jump then fall
Jump then fall
Into me
Be there, never gonna leave you
See that you want to be with me too
I’m gonna stay through it all so jump then fall”
Once Taylor concluded the song, Selena instantly reached out for Taylor and pulled her in, holding on as Taylor trembled in her arms. Selena couldn’t help but think about how right it felt, and she ignored the crackling thunder in the distance and focused all her energy on this moment. When Taylor’s face tilted back up, she wiped away the few stray tears.
“How long?” Selena whispered in her ear, noticing how Taylor shuddered when Selena’s lips brushed her skin.
“Since Dallas,” she whispered back, and Selena’s eyes went wide. Taylor slowly shifted away from Selena, feeling a fat raindrop hit her nose, quickly followed by another.
“Let’s go inside, Lena, I think it’s about to rain,” Taylor said, standing up and reaching down to help Selena up, too. Selena glanced around and saw something she didn’t notice before: an old, beaten battery-operated radio.
“Ha, no,” she laughed, an idea taking shape. “You’ve always wanted to dance in the rain, now’s your chance.” Selena reached out and turned on the radio, a country station’s signal filling the surrounding air.
She reached out and took Taylor’s hand, and they fell into an easy rhythm to Lady Antebellum’s “Need You Now,” Taylor’s fingers pressed into the small of Selena’s back in the pattern of guitar chords. Selena smiled softly to herself and pulled Taylor impossibly closer when the song faded into “Til Summer Comes Around.”
Just when Selena’s hands moved from their idle position around her neck to pull Taylor’s head down toward her, the sky opened up and the rain that had only softly fallen around them before suddenly poured down hard.
Taylor grabbed Selena’s hand, both of them shrieking like little girls, and ran back up to the house. They reached the huge wraparound porch and leaned against the doorway, giggling and attempting to catch their breath. Taylor laughed so hard that she nearly collapsed, and only Selena’s strong arms kept her from falling.
Finally their laughter subsided, and the mood created at the docks came back in full force. Selena’s arms slid up Taylor’s back to her shoulders, her own body leaning further in. Taylor’s eyes changed, and she seemed to find the courage that she’d lacked before. She leaned down and tilted Selena’s chin up, and suddenly their lips connected with startling ease. It was gentle and loving, yet passionate and strong, and wow, Taylor’s an amazing kisser, more so than she ever imagined.
Selena pulled back, still a bit hazy, and took in the sight before her: Taylor with flushed cheeks and the smallest, most gentle and genuine smile she’d ever seen...the result of a flawless first kiss of hopefully so many more. Taylor reached for the handle, and Selena followed her through the open door into the house and the unknown, headfirst and fearless.