Decisions.....Decisions
So many decisions to make.
I find myself in a quandary over which way to turn. Career for me has been a mixed bag of what can I accomplish and how well I can prove myself for most of my life. I reflect back over the years and wonder how I have managed to do it all, and I might add, did it well.
I am a perfectionist or at least one of my personalities is when it comes to displaying the details of my abilities. I take most of what I do and learn very personally and with a viciousness that most people can’t understand. I question or more so doubt myself and my abilities all the way. What is it that will finally allow me to know deep within my own self that I have accomplished and therefore set up in my own little pea brain that I am truly accepted and appreciated? Why do we doubt ourselves over and over until we run out of energy or steam to continue on? Is it that I will never quite feel complete or whole? Will I go to my grave wishing in my last breath here on earth that I could have accomplished more?
I am not, read again not a perfectionist when it comes to cleaning. I need to do more of it and a better job. I am frustrated with my inability to find housework inspiring. Clean one room; close the door she would always tell me. Clean in one direction, don’t allow yourself to get distracted she still says. Me, one direction, stay focused, no distractions, well... I have never been able to do that. Cleaning house is a design project that begins in the early morning hour and continues through the entire day jumping from one point to the other. Moving furniture has always been inspirational, turning over a couch to clean, moving its footprints to the other wall well that gives me something new to look at while using the same old stuff. Finish one room, how can that happen if I tear one up to redecorate another?
If I wait for one of my manic high phases then perhaps I can paint every wall in my house in three days, I do in fact speak from experience…lets just omit the hospital stay I drove myself into the next time I feel the high urge to paint wildly. Whoever and wherever that personality was that did the paint job well I have yet to see her round here lately. Perhaps she died; it certainly was a tough job and a long three days without sleep.
Inspiration helps me make decisions or more so, makes my pea brain hurt. I think perhaps I can just make a career out of NOT making a decision.
I find myself in a quandary over which way to turn. Career for me has been a mixed bag of what can I accomplish and how well I can prove myself for most of my life. I reflect back over the years and wonder how I have managed to do it all, and I might add, did it well.
I am a perfectionist or at least one of my personalities is when it comes to displaying the details of my abilities. I take most of what I do and learn very personally and with a viciousness that most people can’t understand. I question or more so doubt myself and my abilities all the way. What is it that will finally allow me to know deep within my own self that I have accomplished and therefore set up in my own little pea brain that I am truly accepted and appreciated? Why do we doubt ourselves over and over until we run out of energy or steam to continue on? Is it that I will never quite feel complete or whole? Will I go to my grave wishing in my last breath here on earth that I could have accomplished more?
I am not, read again not a perfectionist when it comes to cleaning. I need to do more of it and a better job. I am frustrated with my inability to find housework inspiring. Clean one room; close the door she would always tell me. Clean in one direction, don’t allow yourself to get distracted she still says. Me, one direction, stay focused, no distractions, well... I have never been able to do that. Cleaning house is a design project that begins in the early morning hour and continues through the entire day jumping from one point to the other. Moving furniture has always been inspirational, turning over a couch to clean, moving its footprints to the other wall well that gives me something new to look at while using the same old stuff. Finish one room, how can that happen if I tear one up to redecorate another?
If I wait for one of my manic high phases then perhaps I can paint every wall in my house in three days, I do in fact speak from experience…lets just omit the hospital stay I drove myself into the next time I feel the high urge to paint wildly. Whoever and wherever that personality was that did the paint job well I have yet to see her round here lately. Perhaps she died; it certainly was a tough job and a long three days without sleep.
Inspiration helps me make decisions or more so, makes my pea brain hurt. I think perhaps I can just make a career out of NOT making a decision.