eclecticmuses - [August Topic] tell me, do you really think you go to hell for having loved?
Sunrise
When the sunlight first shines through the hint of Jim's closed curtains, spilling light across her sleep shut eyes, her first thought is no. Her first thought is no because the bed is comfortable and the sheets and comforter twisted around her naked body is warm. Her second though is also no - and it's more towards herself, rather than the situation.
Her left hand isn't naked. On her ring finger is a thin small gold wedding band with a romantic inscription she wrote herself about love. It's not her wedding band to Jim, but it's one to Roy and no words can ever express that building feeling in her lungs. It's sort of a cloud inside or a grip that's seizing her by the throat because she keeps trying to inhale and inhale again, but no breath is coming.
It's harsh - a gasp finally does escape from her mouth in a heave when she's able to speak. It sounds like a shudder.
The one thing she knows in the blurred morning after of the first time ever she had sex with Jim - the first time ever she had sex with anyone but Roy - is that she provoked him. And it began with the jelly beans.
She wasn't sure why she had done it - maybe because she hated herself a little too much and maybe because she wanted to make him suffer too - but she had replaced every single candy in the bowls at her front desk with black jelly beans. Jim's usual mode was to just come up to the desk and pop what ever is in the bowl into his mouth and the last time wasn't any different.
For moments, when she looked up at Jim's face after he consumed the black jelly bean, she felt a strange sense of relief, pride and maybe a little power too. Her heart pounded in her chest a little faster and she didn't smile even though she wanted to. She really hated that that was the first thing she wanted to do - to be glad that she hurt Jim just as he had hurt her.
Later she even revealed her devious jelly bean plan to him, her retaliation on him. They were laughing - sipping coffee in the break room - and she simply said, looking into the white styrofoam of her coffee cup, "I know that they're your least favorite jelly beans, Jim."
It oddly wasn't even about ruining what little scraps of friendship they had salvaged. It was probably her own desire to be perfectly honest with they guy she still considered to be her best friend. Or a need to be punished for what she did: the black jelly beans, the cold bitch attitude, marrying Roy.
He sounded cold. "I see," he said, sipping his coffee. "So, you decided to put them out to keep me away from your desk then? All you had to do was say so. I'll stay put from now on."
She shook her head. "No, it's just..." She started without completing, without knowing how to finish.
"No, it's just what?" Jim asked, folding his arms over his chest defensively.
The styrofoam tasted bad in her mouth. It made the coffee taste like plastic. It was why Pam always had a mug with her, but Roy made her late today and she forgot her mug. She had to settle for second best, a styrofoam caffeinated rush. It wasn't the rush she had imagined. She kept looking at her stupid styrofoam cup, wondering why she hadn't just grabbed one this morning and knowing why she couldn't ask for Jim's.
"I can't stand the way you look at me now," Pam said cautiously, staring into the black and white contrast of her coffee and her cup as well as the small swirl of cream in the middle.
She dumped her coffee.
"How do I look at you?" Jim asked, hard.
"Can we just... not?" She replied.
Jim laughed in this bitter way like he was giving up on her, like he was too cynical for life and the person he was before was just gone, and shook his head - leaving the room. "We never do."
How she ended up in his bed, she can't even recall, but what she can recall is how she got the bruised hand shaped marks on both of her hips as Jim held her down last night and made everything between them hurt. She can remember the way his hips thrust roughly against her, the full feeling inside as she squeezed herself around him, and exactly what was going through her mind when she dug her nails into his back and nearly drew blood.
They didn't talk about Roy and they didn't talk about Karen. He never said "I love you" when he spilt himself inside of her. There were teeth marks on his clavicle and peppered dark bruises on her breasts and down her body from when he made her come last night.
She has no idea what she's going to tell Roy; the excuses that she's willing to give for how desperate she has become or the lies that she'll tell just to suspend the belief of a good marriage. A faithful marriage.
When Jim wakes up, sleep in his eyes, from her pulling the bed sheets around her bare body to find clothes, she's already got one stocking on and her blouse half buttoned. They don't talk about Roy and they don't talk about Karen. She's lost her underwear and they don't talk about anything.
Dressing with what she can, she walks out, the sunrise blinding her.
Muse: Pam Beesly
Fandom: The Office
Word Count: 1098
OOC: Please note that the Jim lines were written by my partner in crime
neededyoutoknow.
When the sunlight first shines through the hint of Jim's closed curtains, spilling light across her sleep shut eyes, her first thought is no. Her first thought is no because the bed is comfortable and the sheets and comforter twisted around her naked body is warm. Her second though is also no - and it's more towards herself, rather than the situation.
Her left hand isn't naked. On her ring finger is a thin small gold wedding band with a romantic inscription she wrote herself about love. It's not her wedding band to Jim, but it's one to Roy and no words can ever express that building feeling in her lungs. It's sort of a cloud inside or a grip that's seizing her by the throat because she keeps trying to inhale and inhale again, but no breath is coming.
It's harsh - a gasp finally does escape from her mouth in a heave when she's able to speak. It sounds like a shudder.
The one thing she knows in the blurred morning after of the first time ever she had sex with Jim - the first time ever she had sex with anyone but Roy - is that she provoked him. And it began with the jelly beans.
She wasn't sure why she had done it - maybe because she hated herself a little too much and maybe because she wanted to make him suffer too - but she had replaced every single candy in the bowls at her front desk with black jelly beans. Jim's usual mode was to just come up to the desk and pop what ever is in the bowl into his mouth and the last time wasn't any different.
For moments, when she looked up at Jim's face after he consumed the black jelly bean, she felt a strange sense of relief, pride and maybe a little power too. Her heart pounded in her chest a little faster and she didn't smile even though she wanted to. She really hated that that was the first thing she wanted to do - to be glad that she hurt Jim just as he had hurt her.
Later she even revealed her devious jelly bean plan to him, her retaliation on him. They were laughing - sipping coffee in the break room - and she simply said, looking into the white styrofoam of her coffee cup, "I know that they're your least favorite jelly beans, Jim."
It oddly wasn't even about ruining what little scraps of friendship they had salvaged. It was probably her own desire to be perfectly honest with they guy she still considered to be her best friend. Or a need to be punished for what she did: the black jelly beans, the cold bitch attitude, marrying Roy.
He sounded cold. "I see," he said, sipping his coffee. "So, you decided to put them out to keep me away from your desk then? All you had to do was say so. I'll stay put from now on."
She shook her head. "No, it's just..." She started without completing, without knowing how to finish.
"No, it's just what?" Jim asked, folding his arms over his chest defensively.
The styrofoam tasted bad in her mouth. It made the coffee taste like plastic. It was why Pam always had a mug with her, but Roy made her late today and she forgot her mug. She had to settle for second best, a styrofoam caffeinated rush. It wasn't the rush she had imagined. She kept looking at her stupid styrofoam cup, wondering why she hadn't just grabbed one this morning and knowing why she couldn't ask for Jim's.
"I can't stand the way you look at me now," Pam said cautiously, staring into the black and white contrast of her coffee and her cup as well as the small swirl of cream in the middle.
She dumped her coffee.
"How do I look at you?" Jim asked, hard.
"Can we just... not?" She replied.
Jim laughed in this bitter way like he was giving up on her, like he was too cynical for life and the person he was before was just gone, and shook his head - leaving the room. "We never do."
How she ended up in his bed, she can't even recall, but what she can recall is how she got the bruised hand shaped marks on both of her hips as Jim held her down last night and made everything between them hurt. She can remember the way his hips thrust roughly against her, the full feeling inside as she squeezed herself around him, and exactly what was going through her mind when she dug her nails into his back and nearly drew blood.
They didn't talk about Roy and they didn't talk about Karen. He never said "I love you" when he spilt himself inside of her. There were teeth marks on his clavicle and peppered dark bruises on her breasts and down her body from when he made her come last night.
She has no idea what she's going to tell Roy; the excuses that she's willing to give for how desperate she has become or the lies that she'll tell just to suspend the belief of a good marriage. A faithful marriage.
When Jim wakes up, sleep in his eyes, from her pulling the bed sheets around her bare body to find clothes, she's already got one stocking on and her blouse half buttoned. They don't talk about Roy and they don't talk about Karen. She's lost her underwear and they don't talk about anything.
Dressing with what she can, she walks out, the sunrise blinding her.
Muse: Pam Beesly
Fandom: The Office
Word Count: 1098
OOC: Please note that the Jim lines were written by my partner in crime
neededyoutoknow.