Prisoner.
I can't explain it too well, but I'm going to try.
I don't normally like talking too much about myself to complete strangers, but more than likely complete strangers won't really be the ones reading this, maybe semi-strangers, and semi-friends, and real friends, and perchance some real strangers, and I'm not sure what kind of responses if any I'll get but I guess I just want to talk and for the moment I have nobody to talk to, and myself is kinda tired of talking to myself, only so many times you can hear the same thing and not get sick and tired of it.
So, I'm a prisoner. In my head, in my body, in my bed, in my home, in this town, in this state, in this country, on this planet. I feel detached and removed. I have a tough time helping myself help myself, I have a tough time trusting doctors, I have a tough time trusting my parents. Really, I've failed myself and been failed by others so often, I guess you loose faith, faith in others, faith in yourself, faith in all of humanity.
I see the way people talk, act, behave in general, treat each other, and I just ask myself how much more of this can I truly stand.
I'm not well. I don't propose that I am well to all but the casual observers who ask "how are you?" with all of the emotion of a rock. Like in the way people say "Thank You" or "Excuse Me" or "You're Welcome" they're just immediate responses 98% of the time, like we're all trained but nobody has any feelings anymore. So few people actually care to care.
So I tried to be in the same room as my mother today, and it's obvious she's giving me the cold shoulder. But really, she says she wants to help, but she doesn't actually want to help me, she wants to help me under her terms for her reasons, same with my fathter. I wish I was stupid and couldn't tell the difference. That IS one of my major problems. I can tell too often how people really are feeling, I can tell when they're full of shit, I can tell when they're hurting, when they're hating, when they're loving, when they're sad. Maybe I just notice their body launguage, maybe I noticed distinct changes in voice, but whatever it is, and I think it's more than that, I just know that I know most of the time.
I have no hidden agendas. I have no hidden plottings or plans. I have no big dreams of grandeur. I have no desire to build fortunes on the backs of others. I have no desire to cut others to pieces for my own advancement. So where is my place? Where are the others out there who think like I do? Are most of us just so beaten down by now that we have a tough enough time just getting up everyday? Or worse, are we only like the way we are, do we only care because we've gone through so much that something inside us changed us forever, somehow amazingly for the better. Some of us I imagine didn't even make it that far, some of us probably killed ourselves early on.
So I restate: I'm a prisoner. I'm a prisoner because I want to learn. I'm a prisoner because I want to care. I'm a prisoner because I lack the resources to really help myself. I'm a prisoner because those that have the resources to help me do have their own agenda, don't actually listen to me, don't understand how I'm feeling and are more than willing to tell me where I don't meet their standards.
Sometimes a single line from the wrong family member can just shut down my system as if somebody just turned the power off in my body. Does anybody else ever feel like that? I wish nobody had that kind of power over me, but it was years in the making, years of subtle torture. Years of being told how everything is your fault to the point where you start to believe it. Nobody should ever make you to stop believing in yourself. Nobody should ever tell you that what you want to do isn't right because you won't make enough money.
So really. Fuck everyone who ever tried to manipulate another for their own gains. Fuck everyone who never cared enough to say "Thank You" and mean it. Fuck this feeling I have right now. Fuck the people that know you're not well and walk right by to prove a point. Fuck the people that would watch you crying and yell at you some more. Fuck me for giving them so much power and for giving them so many chances.
It disgusts me to just write this stuff, I feel so pathetic and I fucking hate it. I just want to string a few good days for myself in a row and see if I can get on some kind of track towards something better. I just want a few days where I'm not reminded of my shortcomings. I just want a few days where I don't feel this invisible pressure to be more than I'm capable of right now. I just want some genuine help. I just want some genuine anything.
Me
I don't normally like talking too much about myself to complete strangers, but more than likely complete strangers won't really be the ones reading this, maybe semi-strangers, and semi-friends, and real friends, and perchance some real strangers, and I'm not sure what kind of responses if any I'll get but I guess I just want to talk and for the moment I have nobody to talk to, and myself is kinda tired of talking to myself, only so many times you can hear the same thing and not get sick and tired of it.
So, I'm a prisoner. In my head, in my body, in my bed, in my home, in this town, in this state, in this country, on this planet. I feel detached and removed. I have a tough time helping myself help myself, I have a tough time trusting doctors, I have a tough time trusting my parents. Really, I've failed myself and been failed by others so often, I guess you loose faith, faith in others, faith in yourself, faith in all of humanity.
I see the way people talk, act, behave in general, treat each other, and I just ask myself how much more of this can I truly stand.
I'm not well. I don't propose that I am well to all but the casual observers who ask "how are you?" with all of the emotion of a rock. Like in the way people say "Thank You" or "Excuse Me" or "You're Welcome" they're just immediate responses 98% of the time, like we're all trained but nobody has any feelings anymore. So few people actually care to care.
So I tried to be in the same room as my mother today, and it's obvious she's giving me the cold shoulder. But really, she says she wants to help, but she doesn't actually want to help me, she wants to help me under her terms for her reasons, same with my fathter. I wish I was stupid and couldn't tell the difference. That IS one of my major problems. I can tell too often how people really are feeling, I can tell when they're full of shit, I can tell when they're hurting, when they're hating, when they're loving, when they're sad. Maybe I just notice their body launguage, maybe I noticed distinct changes in voice, but whatever it is, and I think it's more than that, I just know that I know most of the time.
I have no hidden agendas. I have no hidden plottings or plans. I have no big dreams of grandeur. I have no desire to build fortunes on the backs of others. I have no desire to cut others to pieces for my own advancement. So where is my place? Where are the others out there who think like I do? Are most of us just so beaten down by now that we have a tough enough time just getting up everyday? Or worse, are we only like the way we are, do we only care because we've gone through so much that something inside us changed us forever, somehow amazingly for the better. Some of us I imagine didn't even make it that far, some of us probably killed ourselves early on.
So I restate: I'm a prisoner. I'm a prisoner because I want to learn. I'm a prisoner because I want to care. I'm a prisoner because I lack the resources to really help myself. I'm a prisoner because those that have the resources to help me do have their own agenda, don't actually listen to me, don't understand how I'm feeling and are more than willing to tell me where I don't meet their standards.
Sometimes a single line from the wrong family member can just shut down my system as if somebody just turned the power off in my body. Does anybody else ever feel like that? I wish nobody had that kind of power over me, but it was years in the making, years of subtle torture. Years of being told how everything is your fault to the point where you start to believe it. Nobody should ever make you to stop believing in yourself. Nobody should ever tell you that what you want to do isn't right because you won't make enough money.
So really. Fuck everyone who ever tried to manipulate another for their own gains. Fuck everyone who never cared enough to say "Thank You" and mean it. Fuck this feeling I have right now. Fuck the people that know you're not well and walk right by to prove a point. Fuck the people that would watch you crying and yell at you some more. Fuck me for giving them so much power and for giving them so many chances.
It disgusts me to just write this stuff, I feel so pathetic and I fucking hate it. I just want to string a few good days for myself in a row and see if I can get on some kind of track towards something better. I just want a few days where I'm not reminded of my shortcomings. I just want a few days where I don't feel this invisible pressure to be more than I'm capable of right now. I just want some genuine help. I just want some genuine anything.
Me