Reality
So today I decided it was time to move/find a place for all the homeschool supplies.
Wow was that tough for me. Of all the things involved in having to get a job, I realized today that I still haven't "made peace" with not being able to homeschool.
It's something I have ALWAYS believed in and wanted to do. I was so fortunate to meet and fall in love with a man who shared that with me. Mat and I talked about homeschooling - long before we had a child. It was a decision that we researched and studied and looked at for several years before really deciding that it WAS what we wanted. It wasn't something we had a lot of support with, but we stood by our decision to do what what felt right.
And now - it's just something to add to the list of things that didn't work out for us. It makes me sad... because my heart wanted it. It felt like the right for us... and now it's one of the things we have to sacrifice. I know Deacon will be fine. He'll adjust no matter what and everything will, in the end, be ok. It's still hard for ME though. I wish I were as resilient as a child. I wish I could bounce back the way he does... and learn to go with the flow and accept things as they happen.
I'm not getting rid of the stuff/supplies. Because yes, I am holding out hope that Mat will get this transfer and that it will be enough $$ to enable me to not have to work if we move. (we'll look for cheaper housing, and he'd get an income increase because it's a higher-volume store) But - for now, if we stay here I'll have to work. So I'm moving the homeschooling shelf from the dining room. It's going to find a home in Deacon's room, to hopefully get some of his millions of toys off the floor and find them a "home". The workbooks will still be in a place where I can get to them if we need them or have time for a few pages, but they won't be prominantly displayed after today. Maybe some of my guilt will lessen if I'm not walking by that stuff every day. And I do feel guilt. Guilt that I'm letting him down by having to give this up.
I can't explain it, it feels like a door closing on a part of my life I was so excited about. I'm working on finding peace with it, and I do know we'll all be ok no matter the outcome. We have each other, and even if he IS in public schools I'm determined to be the mom who is the pain in the ass, going to school meetings and making sure my wishes for my child and his education are adhered to. I won't compromise our beliefs or what I feel is appropriate education under any circumstances.
This whole hitting rock bottom, and having to get a job, and the changes that have come with it have definately been a learning/adjusting experience for me. I'm having to just trust that things will work out in the end, and that sometimes we have to do things we hate in order to have a better future down the road. It's not an easy path, and I'm getting bruised along the way but I'm believing there are better things in store for us and that this time in our lives is just a small snippet of the big picture.
Wow was that tough for me. Of all the things involved in having to get a job, I realized today that I still haven't "made peace" with not being able to homeschool.
It's something I have ALWAYS believed in and wanted to do. I was so fortunate to meet and fall in love with a man who shared that with me. Mat and I talked about homeschooling - long before we had a child. It was a decision that we researched and studied and looked at for several years before really deciding that it WAS what we wanted. It wasn't something we had a lot of support with, but we stood by our decision to do what what felt right.
And now - it's just something to add to the list of things that didn't work out for us. It makes me sad... because my heart wanted it. It felt like the right for us... and now it's one of the things we have to sacrifice. I know Deacon will be fine. He'll adjust no matter what and everything will, in the end, be ok. It's still hard for ME though. I wish I were as resilient as a child. I wish I could bounce back the way he does... and learn to go with the flow and accept things as they happen.
I'm not getting rid of the stuff/supplies. Because yes, I am holding out hope that Mat will get this transfer and that it will be enough $$ to enable me to not have to work if we move. (we'll look for cheaper housing, and he'd get an income increase because it's a higher-volume store) But - for now, if we stay here I'll have to work. So I'm moving the homeschooling shelf from the dining room. It's going to find a home in Deacon's room, to hopefully get some of his millions of toys off the floor and find them a "home". The workbooks will still be in a place where I can get to them if we need them or have time for a few pages, but they won't be prominantly displayed after today. Maybe some of my guilt will lessen if I'm not walking by that stuff every day. And I do feel guilt. Guilt that I'm letting him down by having to give this up.
I can't explain it, it feels like a door closing on a part of my life I was so excited about. I'm working on finding peace with it, and I do know we'll all be ok no matter the outcome. We have each other, and even if he IS in public schools I'm determined to be the mom who is the pain in the ass, going to school meetings and making sure my wishes for my child and his education are adhered to. I won't compromise our beliefs or what I feel is appropriate education under any circumstances.
This whole hitting rock bottom, and having to get a job, and the changes that have come with it have definately been a learning/adjusting experience for me. I'm having to just trust that things will work out in the end, and that sometimes we have to do things we hate in order to have a better future down the road. It's not an easy path, and I'm getting bruised along the way but I'm believing there are better things in store for us and that this time in our lives is just a small snippet of the big picture.