(no subject)
I have to get this out... and all I can do is hope that anyone reading won't totally judge me for it. It's my journal - it's my place to get these things out when I have no other outlet. I don't have anyone at home to talk to right now... and today has just been so awful.
I went to the laundry-mat again today. I just had so many piles of laundry, and it was worth it to me... to waste the money to wash them THERE in a few hours as opposed to washing them at home where I would have spent all day today, and then all evening tomorrow after work.
Deacon was awful while we were there. He kept hiding from me (NOT a fun thing for a mommy in a public place)... he kept begging for money for the quarter-machines (ya know the ones with candy/cheap toys/etc in them). I kept telling him no and he kept begging and fussing and being mouthy. I get why he was agitated. I do. It was SO hot in there with the dryers running and no air turned on... it took a good 2 hours and he's not a patient kid ... he was hot and tired and bored. But that doesn't make it OK for him to act the way he was. Finally it was time to go and we headed outside. He got mad at me and started kicking my clean laundry baskets... he ran off from me to the side of the laundromat and refused to get in the car. I finally had to carry him TO the car kicking and screaming. He slapped me in the arm and the face while I was buckling him in... and he just kept fighting. I finally got him in and pulled out of the parking and a block down I glance up and he says "ha!! I unbuckled !!" and he was standing in the back seat!!!!! He has NEVER done that before. He started hitting me while I was driving -- I pulled over and jumped out to run around and buckle him in and he locked the car door. ( I had the key fob so I unlocked it) and again I'm trying to sit him in the seat and he starts swinging. He's hitting me in the face, chest, arms wherever he can strike. Kicking. I totally lost it. I picked up him and spun him around and I spanked him. And I mean I really spanked him. I spanked him HARD. Maybe too hard. So hard my hand stung afterward. I have never spanked him like that. And I've never heard him cry like that after a spanking. He cried so hard that on the rest of the way home, he threw up all over himself. He finally settled down and when we got home I sent him to his room to clean himself up and calm down. He's still in there. The truth is I needed to calm down as much he did. I KNOW mommies lose their tempers sometimes. I KNOW I'm not the first to wonder if I'm totally losing it.... but
All I can do is cry. I totally lost it. I don't feel like that was me. It was like I was standing back watching this crazy woman just spank the hell out of her kid. Now I don't know what to do. Part of me feels like I lost too much control and that I shouldn't have spanked him so hard while I was angry. Maybe I should apologize to him and tell him that it's not ok for Mommy to get so angry, and that I was wrong. But I don't want to send the message that he shouldn't have been punished. He could have gotten hit by a car running around that laundromat. Or someone could have hit US when he unbuckled and he could have been thrown out or through the window. He was being unsafe and I want him to understand that THAT is NOT OK. And it is not ok to attack ME. I am just NOT going to tolerate his abuse toward ME anymore. I can't. He cannot grow up thinking it's alright to act violent every time he gets mad.
And - what makes him this way?? I mean really - what makes one person more aggressive or violent than others. Mat and I -- neither of us are like that. We just do NOT get that angry that often. I worry about my little boy.
He's NOT mean. He's really not. But if you just saw how he acted on a bad day, you'd never believe that. No one at that laundromat today would ever believe he's the sweet little boy with the best smile and the kindest heart. There's so much good in him -- I just don't know how to help him control himself when his emotions get the best of him. And when he is totally out of control -- how do I keep MYSELF in check?? How do I not totally LOSE it with him?
I still HAVE to hit the grocery store. I have to. We are out of milk, bread, sugar, everything. I dread it - because I don't know how it's going to go. Once I get the laundry put away... we'll be headed out again and he has to go with me. There is no one to watch him. I feel nauseous just thinking about another public outing today.
blah. some days you wish you'd never crawled out of bed.
I went to the laundry-mat again today. I just had so many piles of laundry, and it was worth it to me... to waste the money to wash them THERE in a few hours as opposed to washing them at home where I would have spent all day today, and then all evening tomorrow after work.
Deacon was awful while we were there. He kept hiding from me (NOT a fun thing for a mommy in a public place)... he kept begging for money for the quarter-machines (ya know the ones with candy/cheap toys/etc in them). I kept telling him no and he kept begging and fussing and being mouthy. I get why he was agitated. I do. It was SO hot in there with the dryers running and no air turned on... it took a good 2 hours and he's not a patient kid ... he was hot and tired and bored. But that doesn't make it OK for him to act the way he was. Finally it was time to go and we headed outside. He got mad at me and started kicking my clean laundry baskets... he ran off from me to the side of the laundromat and refused to get in the car. I finally had to carry him TO the car kicking and screaming. He slapped me in the arm and the face while I was buckling him in... and he just kept fighting. I finally got him in and pulled out of the parking and a block down I glance up and he says "ha!! I unbuckled !!" and he was standing in the back seat!!!!! He has NEVER done that before. He started hitting me while I was driving -- I pulled over and jumped out to run around and buckle him in and he locked the car door. ( I had the key fob so I unlocked it) and again I'm trying to sit him in the seat and he starts swinging. He's hitting me in the face, chest, arms wherever he can strike. Kicking. I totally lost it. I picked up him and spun him around and I spanked him. And I mean I really spanked him. I spanked him HARD. Maybe too hard. So hard my hand stung afterward. I have never spanked him like that. And I've never heard him cry like that after a spanking. He cried so hard that on the rest of the way home, he threw up all over himself. He finally settled down and when we got home I sent him to his room to clean himself up and calm down. He's still in there. The truth is I needed to calm down as much he did. I KNOW mommies lose their tempers sometimes. I KNOW I'm not the first to wonder if I'm totally losing it.... but
All I can do is cry. I totally lost it. I don't feel like that was me. It was like I was standing back watching this crazy woman just spank the hell out of her kid. Now I don't know what to do. Part of me feels like I lost too much control and that I shouldn't have spanked him so hard while I was angry. Maybe I should apologize to him and tell him that it's not ok for Mommy to get so angry, and that I was wrong. But I don't want to send the message that he shouldn't have been punished. He could have gotten hit by a car running around that laundromat. Or someone could have hit US when he unbuckled and he could have been thrown out or through the window. He was being unsafe and I want him to understand that THAT is NOT OK. And it is not ok to attack ME. I am just NOT going to tolerate his abuse toward ME anymore. I can't. He cannot grow up thinking it's alright to act violent every time he gets mad.
And - what makes him this way?? I mean really - what makes one person more aggressive or violent than others. Mat and I -- neither of us are like that. We just do NOT get that angry that often. I worry about my little boy.
He's NOT mean. He's really not. But if you just saw how he acted on a bad day, you'd never believe that. No one at that laundromat today would ever believe he's the sweet little boy with the best smile and the kindest heart. There's so much good in him -- I just don't know how to help him control himself when his emotions get the best of him. And when he is totally out of control -- how do I keep MYSELF in check?? How do I not totally LOSE it with him?
I still HAVE to hit the grocery store. I have to. We are out of milk, bread, sugar, everything. I dread it - because I don't know how it's going to go. Once I get the laundry put away... we'll be headed out again and he has to go with me. There is no one to watch him. I feel nauseous just thinking about another public outing today.
blah. some days you wish you'd never crawled out of bed.