My fairytale isn't all it cracked up to be
Before I start let me just say that I am on Nyquil tonight, thanks to this cold, so what I say in the paragraphs that follow may only make sense to me in the moment of haziness that I’m in. Never-the-less I’m going to post it here in hopes that it may make sense to someone else as well.
Here goes nothing…
I grew up in a home with both parents. Partially. My father worked two jobs, so he was rarely home and my mother was always shopping or sleeping. No matter what it was, she always seemed to busy for me. I lived in the country which left me plenty of time to use my imagination. After all as an only child there is nothing else to do when your nearest neighbor is over a mile away.
One thing I watched plenty of was my parents. The smiles they gave each other, holding hands and calling each other silly pet names. They always seemed so in love and I was sure one day I would meet a man that was just like that. Someone who would treat me just like my dad treated my mom.
It’s funny how they say that children that come from a single family home are more likely to attend college and be more stable in life. I would like to discuss these findings with the person that came up with it. See, everything in my parents relationship looked perfect. My mom the princess and my dad the knight that rode in on a white horse. I figured that’s the way it was for everyone. It wasn’t until middle school that I noticed my friends families falling apart, and in a way I felt lucky, my little fairy tale bubble was still strong.
When I got out of high school I started looking for that perfect man. Someone who would treat me like my dad treated my mom. Someone who would rub my feet (no matter how rough) after a hard day. A man that would do the dishes because I cooked. A man that would hold my hand and kiss me in public. Someone strong and supportive just like my dad.
It didn’t take me long to realize that man I was looking for was a fairy tale and no man could ever measure up. Then again, I just realized something, it wasn’t the marriage or my parents at all. It was my dad. I compared every man I ever dated to my dad and therefore he never had a chance. My dad was perfect. Hmmmm gotta love the Nyquil. I just realized it had nothing to do with my parents as a whole. It had everything to do with my dad. He was my first hero. The first man I ever loved.
My poor husband never had a chance because from the moment I met him I compared him to my dad. Over the last couple of years I’ve started to let go of that fairy tale though. I’ve decided to make my own. One where I don’t need a man to save me, to ride up on that white horse (or in my case black horse) because I am already on a horse. Writing my own script and I’ve been writing it on and off for the last 15 years or so. I was always a strong independent woman until I got married and lost myself. I’m thankful that I have a husband who is willing to let me learn things and grow. I feel bad though. I have given him so much crap for the longest time.
Isn’t it funny when you hold something in your head for so long and finally put it on paper it works itself out all on its own? All this time I’ve been thinking about the fairy tale life, when all along it never really was a fairy tale. Just two people working and fighting and loving each other every single day of their lives.
I know I know I’m not making much sense but I’m really glad I wrote all this down because I now have a new understanding on certain things in my life. Sorry for my rambling, but hopefully it makes sense.