The power of positive thinking and other myths: by Chris De La Rosa
Yesterday was probably the most humbling and humiliating day I've had within recollection.
I've had to confront my eccentricities and I saw myself through the eyes of someone else. Basically, I pissed off my roommate and there was no excuse for that. He told me that he was actually scared of me at times and that was probably the lowest I've ever felt. I can't even imagine what he must think of me, I feel like a freak. I'm not going to go into details as to what I do, but suffice to say that none of that behavior or anger was directed at him, I would never hurt anyone and that he is absolutely right when he says that it is wrong that I do those things. It didn't really hit me until then that I am some sort of freak, despite my best efforts. For the Lenten season I attempted to erradicate negative thinking from my mind... and it worked until yesterday, but that was a grand total of... five days or so? Yeah the power of positive thinking.
I was forced to re-evaluate what I do and how hard I work. I shouldn't be as surprised as I am that the only success in life that I have is professional because that's all I ever do, really. My roommate was a little surprised when he found out that a good 90% of the time I'm on my computer I'm actually working... but I get cooped up when I do these things, heck, out of the frustration of working with the monotony of the Hunters project I wrote an entire sequel to it... don't get me wrong, I don't think it's a bad thing that I can pull an entire story out of my head just to escape my current situation AND I'm exceptionally proud of the work I do... but it's all I do. My entire identity is wrapped around the things that I produce. I don't know if that's a good thing or if it isn't, but it has certainly jaded my outlook on life. My mother and I were talking about our family the other day and she commented on how much I'm like her side of the family (which is completely true) but then I asked the question: "what did I get from my father's side then?" because I can't possibly be a clone of my mom (for one reason that should immediately be apparent) and after yesterday I figured it out. My dad cannot balance workloads... he works all the damn time. He works at the Men's Colony and he comes home and does YARDWORK for several hours. Part of me thinks that this is therapy because working in a prison has to be incredibly confining and it must be nice to be able to work outdoors for a change; but I don't know. I work too hard and everyone suffers, my roommate, my family and me. A simple solution would be to 'just get out more' but in reality, it's not that simple and I have certainly tried to put myself out there... but since that never has worked out EVER it doesn't seem like such a bad idea to lose myself in my work because I know at least THAT can be appreciated (somewhat).
I have since found that a lot of my positive thinking is purely delusional and wish-oriented. I'm almost certain that all this serves a greater purpose but until I can see some results there will always be that painful sliver of doubt and fear. That's human, I guess; to be afraid, I mean. I would think someone that is completely without fear of anything to be someone with a death wish and who is remarkably good at lying to themselves and others... me, I'm a terrible liar when it comes to trying to lie to myself so trying to eliminate negative thinking in my case is almost like trying to eliminate thought altogether. All this negativity does not mean I don't appreciate the things I have because there are many things that I am grateful for, but occasionally it lapses into a sarcastic gratitude when it seems like I'm given things almost purely as a joke, I liken it to dropping a chlorene tablet into a cess pool; so yeah it helps kinda but serioulsy... why bother?
I've had to confront my eccentricities and I saw myself through the eyes of someone else. Basically, I pissed off my roommate and there was no excuse for that. He told me that he was actually scared of me at times and that was probably the lowest I've ever felt. I can't even imagine what he must think of me, I feel like a freak. I'm not going to go into details as to what I do, but suffice to say that none of that behavior or anger was directed at him, I would never hurt anyone and that he is absolutely right when he says that it is wrong that I do those things. It didn't really hit me until then that I am some sort of freak, despite my best efforts. For the Lenten season I attempted to erradicate negative thinking from my mind... and it worked until yesterday, but that was a grand total of... five days or so? Yeah the power of positive thinking.
I was forced to re-evaluate what I do and how hard I work. I shouldn't be as surprised as I am that the only success in life that I have is professional because that's all I ever do, really. My roommate was a little surprised when he found out that a good 90% of the time I'm on my computer I'm actually working... but I get cooped up when I do these things, heck, out of the frustration of working with the monotony of the Hunters project I wrote an entire sequel to it... don't get me wrong, I don't think it's a bad thing that I can pull an entire story out of my head just to escape my current situation AND I'm exceptionally proud of the work I do... but it's all I do. My entire identity is wrapped around the things that I produce. I don't know if that's a good thing or if it isn't, but it has certainly jaded my outlook on life. My mother and I were talking about our family the other day and she commented on how much I'm like her side of the family (which is completely true) but then I asked the question: "what did I get from my father's side then?" because I can't possibly be a clone of my mom (for one reason that should immediately be apparent) and after yesterday I figured it out. My dad cannot balance workloads... he works all the damn time. He works at the Men's Colony and he comes home and does YARDWORK for several hours. Part of me thinks that this is therapy because working in a prison has to be incredibly confining and it must be nice to be able to work outdoors for a change; but I don't know. I work too hard and everyone suffers, my roommate, my family and me. A simple solution would be to 'just get out more' but in reality, it's not that simple and I have certainly tried to put myself out there... but since that never has worked out EVER it doesn't seem like such a bad idea to lose myself in my work because I know at least THAT can be appreciated (somewhat).
I have since found that a lot of my positive thinking is purely delusional and wish-oriented. I'm almost certain that all this serves a greater purpose but until I can see some results there will always be that painful sliver of doubt and fear. That's human, I guess; to be afraid, I mean. I would think someone that is completely without fear of anything to be someone with a death wish and who is remarkably good at lying to themselves and others... me, I'm a terrible liar when it comes to trying to lie to myself so trying to eliminate negative thinking in my case is almost like trying to eliminate thought altogether. All this negativity does not mean I don't appreciate the things I have because there are many things that I am grateful for, but occasionally it lapses into a sarcastic gratitude when it seems like I'm given things almost purely as a joke, I liken it to dropping a chlorene tablet into a cess pool; so yeah it helps kinda but serioulsy... why bother?