"The Perks of Being a Listflower" by Stephen Chbotulism (the FOURTH!)
((Double-posted from my mission 101 group. It is how my list goes. You want to read to there.))
Crawling from the twisted metal inferno what was your vehicle, you look up to the cliff you just plummeted from. You smile a smile of both amazement and smugness, simultaneously in wonder of the fact that the forces at be let you survive and in denial of the intervention of said forces, instead attributing your survival purely to your own fucking brilliant resilience. Turning on your heels, you are startled by a rather sinister-looking baldy wearing a pimpy velvet robe and toting a monocle like nobody's business. His unenthusiastic golf-clap irritates you. "Very good," he says, "You've passed the final test. Would you like to become part of my crew? I own a giant manatee-shaped dirigible, and I'm in dire need of a stuntman for my robberies." You take the job, Hollywood sparkling in your young, foolish eyes. Years go by, however, and the jumping from high places, narrowly avoiding explosions, and all together performing all of the more difficult parts of each heist with little to no recognition wears on your nerves. After getting in a bit of a squabble with your superior and learning that it was SOMEHOW illegal for a criminal stuntman to go on strike, you go out onto the deck to have a smoke. Too bad you've forgotten that this airship you are smoking on is kept afloat by a giant balloon full of helium. A stray and unlucky leak triggers an unimaginably horrifying explosion, instanteously killing everyone on board.
Except you.
Crawling from the twisted metal inferno what was a dirigible, you hear nearby gawkers screaming, "OH THE HUGE MANITEEEEE..." You watch the burnage for a bit, ever-so-slightly satisfied with yourself. Turning on your heels, you are startled by a long-legged Spanyard with a greasy handlebar moustache and an Invader ZIM tattoo on his left bicep. "Very good, he says, "You've passed the final test--"
You punch him in his goddamn face.
2. Practice more, instrument-wise. You're good at things, certainly. Get better. MUCH better.
Got a "much improved" on my instrumental final, so... I'm pretty attractive.
3. Open up and get out. You are the worst boxy-clam person ever. You admire freedom and the way children live and in general people that are zesty in personality... and you do nothing about it. It KILLS you. Be honest. Feel something. Get out there and do what you want for your own happiness. Even if it's wearing goddamn cat ears. Fuck. Everyone. Else's. Thoughts. On. The. Matter.
Sooooo much work to do. I'm just not the person I described here, and I'm starting to think I don't want to be, really. But at the same, there are some pretty base things that I need to work on-- namely, the fucking everyone else's thoughts on the matter. I'm just not honest about who I am and I'm starting to feel superficial. I shouldn't really care what people think about, should I? As long as it makes me happy.
(To which friends scream "WHAT FABLED GRAIL IS THIS THING THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY, YOU UNENDING MISERY, LOLOLOL" and I bite them. I bite them until they BLEEEED. NOM.)
9. Find 20 bands that you love that you haven't heard yet. You listen to the same old music nowaday. Actively search. Find recommendations. Go in blind! Do whatever! Go Go Go!!
I... really, really love Leslie Hall. Like... I would never put her here if I wasn't so bizarrely enamored with her strange self. She's a lady who once said to fan while signing a photo: "Sarah! Dribble me into your mind. Let my ladyness feast on your crumble touch..." She's... a wonder.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8WoyPEVRFo How can you not love this!?
12. Learn a large chunk of Japanese. 1000 Kanji, at least. Basic to intermediate conversational...
I've been hitting the www.smart.fm pretty hard since school ended, and I'm about half way through the first step of the Core 2000 lessons. I know 65 kanji! I just realized how unattainable 1000 kanji is, but THAT'S OKAY, I'M PRETTY AND MAYBE I CAN DO IT?!?!
18. Find Jacob Weatherby.
Oh Jacob... you scared me when I read you again.
21. More stream of consciousness writing. You get redonk done when you do.
...OH JACOB, YOU SCARED ME WHEN I READ YOU AGAIN.
24. Stop it with the bottled water. S:DGJ:SDIG:SODG I HATE MYSELF BUT LOVE BOTTLED WATER FOR SOME REASON NOM NOM NOM idiot.
OH-HO. How about a *snaps in a Z-formation* because I've had like ONE bottle of water this year. ONE. YEAH. YEAH!! WHAT'S THAT SMELL LIKE?!?!
25. Don't be afraid to pick up garbage from the ground and throw it away. Why do you get self-conscious about doing this? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. You're an idiot. Throw away garbage, even if you have to go back to pick it. You're a better person for going back.
Admittedly, there's only so much I can do before being late to classes, you FILTHY CAMPUS HOGS. UNTRAINABLE BITCHES, THE LOT OF YOU. I've passed by a few things I could have picked up, but I kick myself after... I will try to do better here.
26. Learn 100 things about audio engineering and record them somewhere to keep track.
YO WHAT DAWG I have learned many things but have not written them down yet! Yarrrr... doing pretty good here.
30. Keep a check book. Keep close attention to bank accounts, and special attention to all non-cash purchases. Stop being an idiot with money.
Remember how I was doing so well and then my BACKPACK WAS STOLEN. Seriously, someone was like, "It's time to D-D-D-DOUCHEBAG" and ended up with my bag and my checkbook that I had JUST started keeping. I HAD ONLY WRITTEN TWO CHECKS OUT OF THERE. DX You better have been in DIRE FUCKING NEED of a bag and cancelled check paper, you unanimous cocklet.
32. Meditate. Find out what the fuck is going on, srsly.
WE GET SIGNAL. WHAT? MAIN SCREEN TURN ON. IT'S YOU!! HOW ARE YOU GENTLEMEN? NOT MEDITATING AT ALL, I SEE. FAILURE. FAAAAAILURRREEEEE!!!!!
50. Apply for at least 3 scholarships. Who knows, maybe you'll win one...?
... So I've finished this one, and didn't get any of them, not even the local one. I'M PRETTY TALENTED, FOLKS, GOTTA HAND IT TO ME...! HOLY FUCKING SHIT AM I ON FIRE I'M SO GREAT.
55. PROTECT ME FROM WHAT I WANT (PROTEGE MOI PROTEGE MOI...!!!!)
*sobs in the darkest corner of a vacant, unlit room*
59. Update livejournal bi-weekly. I don't care with what.
2009... The year... in failure.
64. Eliminate the excess from my wardrobe. You have over 9000 shirts you never wear. Donate them.
OH MY GOD I actually did something... I completely forgot this was one of my goals and did it anyway! Well... STRIKE MY FANCY, SELF! HOO-HAH!
66. Decorate your things. They're YOURS. Let people know.
I WANTED TO DECORATE THAT BACKPACK, MCDOUCHERTON.
77. Draw on yourself with permanent marker.
Sorry you have to look at my hairy gams, but SHUT UP AND LOOK AT THEM. SHHHHHH!!! VOMIT SILENTLY, PLEASE.
88. Stop reading Questionable Content (lolololol)
Haven't read that bitch in a good three weeks. I FEEL SO ALLIIIIIVE. I made an alternative ending for this series, actually. It's to help ween people off of it, don'cha know. It helped me, anyway! If you're interested, I'm going to post it to my journal in a tick. Be patient, pretties, be patient...
Extra Points for:
-Recognizing the references on my leg without cheating
-Seeing the huge manitee joke a mile away
-Actually reading all of this bullshit ;D My PEOPLE...!
Crawling from the twisted metal inferno what was your vehicle, you look up to the cliff you just plummeted from. You smile a smile of both amazement and smugness, simultaneously in wonder of the fact that the forces at be let you survive and in denial of the intervention of said forces, instead attributing your survival purely to your own fucking brilliant resilience. Turning on your heels, you are startled by a rather sinister-looking baldy wearing a pimpy velvet robe and toting a monocle like nobody's business. His unenthusiastic golf-clap irritates you. "Very good," he says, "You've passed the final test. Would you like to become part of my crew? I own a giant manatee-shaped dirigible, and I'm in dire need of a stuntman for my robberies." You take the job, Hollywood sparkling in your young, foolish eyes. Years go by, however, and the jumping from high places, narrowly avoiding explosions, and all together performing all of the more difficult parts of each heist with little to no recognition wears on your nerves. After getting in a bit of a squabble with your superior and learning that it was SOMEHOW illegal for a criminal stuntman to go on strike, you go out onto the deck to have a smoke. Too bad you've forgotten that this airship you are smoking on is kept afloat by a giant balloon full of helium. A stray and unlucky leak triggers an unimaginably horrifying explosion, instanteously killing everyone on board.
Except you.
Crawling from the twisted metal inferno what was a dirigible, you hear nearby gawkers screaming, "OH THE HUGE MANITEEEEE..." You watch the burnage for a bit, ever-so-slightly satisfied with yourself. Turning on your heels, you are startled by a long-legged Spanyard with a greasy handlebar moustache and an Invader ZIM tattoo on his left bicep. "Very good, he says, "You've passed the final test--"
You punch him in his goddamn face.
2. Practice more, instrument-wise. You're good at things, certainly. Get better. MUCH better.
Got a "much improved" on my instrumental final, so... I'm pretty attractive.
3. Open up and get out. You are the worst boxy-clam person ever. You admire freedom and the way children live and in general people that are zesty in personality... and you do nothing about it. It KILLS you. Be honest. Feel something. Get out there and do what you want for your own happiness. Even if it's wearing goddamn cat ears. Fuck. Everyone. Else's. Thoughts. On. The. Matter.
Sooooo much work to do. I'm just not the person I described here, and I'm starting to think I don't want to be, really. But at the same, there are some pretty base things that I need to work on-- namely, the fucking everyone else's thoughts on the matter. I'm just not honest about who I am and I'm starting to feel superficial. I shouldn't really care what people think about, should I? As long as it makes me happy.
(To which friends scream "WHAT FABLED GRAIL IS THIS THING THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY, YOU UNENDING MISERY, LOLOLOL" and I bite them. I bite them until they BLEEEED. NOM.)
9. Find 20 bands that you love that you haven't heard yet. You listen to the same old music nowaday. Actively search. Find recommendations. Go in blind! Do whatever! Go Go Go!!
I... really, really love Leslie Hall. Like... I would never put her here if I wasn't so bizarrely enamored with her strange self. She's a lady who once said to fan while signing a photo: "Sarah! Dribble me into your mind. Let my ladyness feast on your crumble touch..." She's... a wonder.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8WoyPEVRFo How can you not love this!?
12. Learn a large chunk of Japanese. 1000 Kanji, at least. Basic to intermediate conversational...
I've been hitting the www.smart.fm pretty hard since school ended, and I'm about half way through the first step of the Core 2000 lessons. I know 65 kanji! I just realized how unattainable 1000 kanji is, but THAT'S OKAY, I'M PRETTY AND MAYBE I CAN DO IT?!?!
18. Find Jacob Weatherby.
Oh Jacob... you scared me when I read you again.
21. More stream of consciousness writing. You get redonk done when you do.
...OH JACOB, YOU SCARED ME WHEN I READ YOU AGAIN.
24. Stop it with the bottled water. S:DGJ:SDIG:SODG I HATE MYSELF BUT LOVE BOTTLED WATER FOR SOME REASON NOM NOM NOM idiot.
OH-HO. How about a *snaps in a Z-formation* because I've had like ONE bottle of water this year. ONE. YEAH. YEAH!! WHAT'S THAT SMELL LIKE?!?!
25. Don't be afraid to pick up garbage from the ground and throw it away. Why do you get self-conscious about doing this? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. You're an idiot. Throw away garbage, even if you have to go back to pick it. You're a better person for going back.
Admittedly, there's only so much I can do before being late to classes, you FILTHY CAMPUS HOGS. UNTRAINABLE BITCHES, THE LOT OF YOU. I've passed by a few things I could have picked up, but I kick myself after... I will try to do better here.
26. Learn 100 things about audio engineering and record them somewhere to keep track.
YO WHAT DAWG I have learned many things but have not written them down yet! Yarrrr... doing pretty good here.
30. Keep a check book. Keep close attention to bank accounts, and special attention to all non-cash purchases. Stop being an idiot with money.
Remember how I was doing so well and then my BACKPACK WAS STOLEN. Seriously, someone was like, "It's time to D-D-D-DOUCHEBAG" and ended up with my bag and my checkbook that I had JUST started keeping. I HAD ONLY WRITTEN TWO CHECKS OUT OF THERE. DX You better have been in DIRE FUCKING NEED of a bag and cancelled check paper, you unanimous cocklet.
32. Meditate. Find out what the fuck is going on, srsly.
WE GET SIGNAL. WHAT? MAIN SCREEN TURN ON. IT'S YOU!! HOW ARE YOU GENTLEMEN? NOT MEDITATING AT ALL, I SEE. FAILURE. FAAAAAILURRREEEEE!!!!!
50. Apply for at least 3 scholarships. Who knows, maybe you'll win one...?
... So I've finished this one, and didn't get any of them, not even the local one. I'M PRETTY TALENTED, FOLKS, GOTTA HAND IT TO ME...! HOLY FUCKING SHIT AM I ON FIRE I'M SO GREAT.
55. PROTECT ME FROM WHAT I WANT (PROTEGE MOI PROTEGE MOI...!!!!)
*sobs in the darkest corner of a vacant, unlit room*
59. Update livejournal bi-weekly. I don't care with what.
2009... The year... in failure.
64. Eliminate the excess from my wardrobe. You have over 9000 shirts you never wear. Donate them.
OH MY GOD I actually did something... I completely forgot this was one of my goals and did it anyway! Well... STRIKE MY FANCY, SELF! HOO-HAH!
66. Decorate your things. They're YOURS. Let people know.
I WANTED TO DECORATE THAT BACKPACK, MCDOUCHERTON.
77. Draw on yourself with permanent marker.
Sorry you have to look at my hairy gams, but SHUT UP AND LOOK AT THEM. SHHHHHH!!! VOMIT SILENTLY, PLEASE.
88. Stop reading Questionable Content (lolololol)
Haven't read that bitch in a good three weeks. I FEEL SO ALLIIIIIVE. I made an alternative ending for this series, actually. It's to help ween people off of it, don'cha know. It helped me, anyway! If you're interested, I'm going to post it to my journal in a tick. Be patient, pretties, be patient...
Extra Points for:
-Recognizing the references on my leg without cheating
-Seeing the huge manitee joke a mile away
-Actually reading all of this bullshit ;D My PEOPLE...!