(no subject)
Last week, I decided to take the three younger of my 4 children to the movies. The older teen decided to meet up with friends. The husband was away as he always seemed to be and the younger two had been having Amazing Spiderman 2 on their wish list for what now seemed like ages to them. And so Mommy decided to finally go on the webbed adventure. I was standing at the booking counter while the boys aged 10 and 6 stood near discussing their school activities,about how much fun the coming week would bring with the football match coming up for one and the school play for the other and the 6 month old sat perched on my hips trying her best to pull out locks of my hair. I glanced at the crowd gathered , most of them families and some college students. It was always fun watching the young crowd and most of the times it makes me feel like I have landed on another planet altogether. Even though we may always not understand their attitude or way of dressing or behaviours and tantrums .... If we arent putting up with it at home its a fun planet if I may say so. The couple in front were rather silent , not saying a word to each other or their kids. They looked so unhappy. I wondered what was going through their heads. They were focused on their mobile phones which seemed to provide them more than ample distraction as they got through the queue. Their kids were jumping and running around in circles playing their version of ' catch me if you can 'and throwing pop corn at each other. Screaming and yet neither parent stepped up to put an end to the chaos that was being staged.
It brought to mind if nearly every marriage hits that point. Where neither adult wants to be the adult. Neither wants to be the bad guy. Finally, the youngest of the two bumped into a teen and managed to dump his drink onto his cool messaged tee shirt. That finally got DAD to look up from his mobile , caught hold of the two children after muttering a couple of sorrys to the irritated teen and we finally heard him in a FIRM, under his breath voice, “Now stay still, quiet down and straighten up, you ought to know know how to act when we are out. Clearly your mom, like always, isn’t going to step up and show you that she has expectations. Damnit Preethi, why do I always have to be the disciplinarian?”
First I don’t agree with down talking the other parent in front of kids, but I’m going to pause what was said next because I felt this guys pain. So many years, I felt like I had no help from my husband. I did the cleaning, the cooking, the laundry, the errands, the shopping, the school runs, the homework, you name it…. all the shit that has to get done. I know the complete bottom, (right before you crack), from having way too much on your plate from physically doing it all. Yes I know this is what all moms have to do but my husband seriously felt like his role was to get up go to work and come home. End of story. He was earning money for his family, which was great and deeply acknowledged but I worked too... at home and away from it too. I just felt familiarity in the mans words.
And then SHE said what she said. She said, “How about you go ask Maya to help you. Seems like she knows how to help you with all your other stresses in life.”
Woah.
Soak that sucker in. Did that hit me below the belt or what.
Guess what. I’m Maya.
Well not … HIS Maya, but I’m a Maya.
I instantly felt for this guy. Oh Yes, yes I felt for her too, because she was obviously hurt by choices her husband made and maybe her depression from his affair caused her lack in helping I don’t know the whole story. I felt her pain briefly for a couple of second, (I still feel bad about what I did to HIS wife).
BUT, I understand first hand, my needs, not being met and doing, (or feeling like you do), everything alone. A spouse can be right there in the house and then, not really there even as they are. I just personally have the husband that emotionally and sometimes physically WASNT/ISNT there/here. I bet somehow he met Maya innocently, (or maybe not), but either way you don’t walk up to someone and pull your manhood out of your pants and she lays down on the floor, and an affair starts. I hate to bust your bubbles but that definitely isn’t how it usually starts and I’m pretty sure most spouses don’t have affairs with hookers or giggolos. What happens is conversations occur. Laughter happens. There isn’t loads of laundry needing to be done and a spouse yelling from the bathroom that he has no clean boxers and its your fault. It starts sooooo simply, I can’t even express. A door being held open for a woman, who’s husband has dropped the door in her face everyday when they leave for work to car pool together. A woman touching a mans shoulder asking if he had a good weekend on Monday morning! Even plain simple eye contact. Couples can’t even look at each other half the time.
Or it could be a man making a new pot of coffee at work, (because he took the last cup), and a woman thanking him for doing so. Its amazing what five seconds of kindness does for someone whose cup is empty and life is empty as well. Thing is, sometimes that conversation over a coffee pot every morning at work becomes wanted … needed almost. That coffee leads to a innocent invite for lunch. You think its okay, you’re working, he’s a coworker so you go. And for a moment lose track of time and even who you are because get this! YOU ARE HAVING FUN! You go back to work and you can’t focus. You had never noticed his eyes before . Or His smile. And That Voice. You look down and you have a text message on your phone. Its from your husband it reads: " Can you go get Pranav from daycare - he is throwing up !" Your mommy instinct kicks in, and you get up to leave and your car won’t start. The problem with the car is that your husband has promised he’d look at it for two weeks in a row that it has been stalling on starting, and he still hasn’t. Football and beers with the guys had been more fun. You call your husband to say that the car won’t start and he starts yelling at you like its your fault. You call the daycare about the sick kid and she informs you that its okay and she will see you in a bit and then mentions that your husband hasn’t paid her yet. You told him three times NOT to forget to pay her but now you have a late fee.
You look up exasperated and exhausted as you almost always feel these days and the coffee guy is walking to his car. He comes over and asks if everything is okay. You explain the situation. He looks under the hood, jumps your car, shuts the hood and hands you his brother’s business card who is an auto part owner and mentions it probably is just the battery. You go to daycare, don’t turn off the car in fear of it not starting, get your little boy , drive to the battery shop, get the battery at a killer price because you know 'somebody' and drive home. You walk into your house, and its a bomb, there is a message on the home phone that your oldest kid, embarking on his teenage years, didn’t show up to three of his classes. There is water on the floor that the puppy knocked over and your husband is sitting on the couch watching CRICKET. You realise that you forgot to book the gas, and get frantic on how and what to cook for dinner, even as your 7 year old walks in tells you that a major project is due tomorrow and all you can think about is coffee with coffee guy today. You try and start a conversation with your husband about buying the battery and the car working now and he gets all butt hurt that you didn’t let him do it, like he said he would and adds " how could you trust a stranger in these times of violence against women" Regardless of you being stranded at work and him never coming to help. And just like that you hear a ping. You look down at your phone and its a text. “Got your number from the work employee book, glad the car battery ended up working. Hope you have a good night! See you at the coffee pot, bright and early tomorrow, can’t wait!”
Can’t wait? Why can’t he wait? OMG What is he thinking? And just like that…. butterflies. And just like that… it starts.
Now I’m not saying that normal life crap and drama cause affairs. It does not have to and it should not. However I am saying no help and needs not being met, (emotional, sexual or just simple help) will lead to people finding ways to having those needs met. Someone doesn’t just hold a door for you and you jump on them undressing them. I just realized at the booking counter then that if this man truly didn’t have help at home and she never did anything, after awhile that adds up, takes a toll. I’m not saying its right to have an affair. I’m not saying that is how you handle a loveless, helpless, sexless marriage. I’m saying this situation makes it easier for someone to step out, if even to shortly gain their sanity. Marriage is 50/50. There are times its 80/20 but you better catch up on your 80 next week when the other is having a 20 week because it gets old and lonely being the 80 all the time.
I snapped out of my reverie .... true that my brief escape into another world , just now and a few years back were behind me. It was good while it lasted and I was on cloud nine that someone cared. But how long does one stay u there in the clouds. Getting back to earth was inevitable. Now those days and feelings were just memories that stung as much as it pleasured. I had painfully exited the fantasy world and got back into reality sooner than later. But yes I was HER for a long while.
( This is a fiction entry for Week 13 of Lj idol based on conversations with a couple of friends who had been having troubled marriages and one who sought refuge outside her marriage. It was a free topic week . Marital issues and affairs seem to be getting quite rampant in our otherwise traditional and conservative society these days. Its ironical that in a world where people seem to be getting closer with technology ... they seem to be drifting apart in their homes. I know I have touched upon a taboo topic but the intention is to let couples know what is missing .... and urge them to get the missing pieces back.... sooner than later. Criticisms - Constructive or Otherwise are always welcome and Votes ... well I hope you do vote for me too)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dyg7lZ8KLEc
It brought to mind if nearly every marriage hits that point. Where neither adult wants to be the adult. Neither wants to be the bad guy. Finally, the youngest of the two bumped into a teen and managed to dump his drink onto his cool messaged tee shirt. That finally got DAD to look up from his mobile , caught hold of the two children after muttering a couple of sorrys to the irritated teen and we finally heard him in a FIRM, under his breath voice, “Now stay still, quiet down and straighten up, you ought to know know how to act when we are out. Clearly your mom, like always, isn’t going to step up and show you that she has expectations. Damnit Preethi, why do I always have to be the disciplinarian?”
First I don’t agree with down talking the other parent in front of kids, but I’m going to pause what was said next because I felt this guys pain. So many years, I felt like I had no help from my husband. I did the cleaning, the cooking, the laundry, the errands, the shopping, the school runs, the homework, you name it…. all the shit that has to get done. I know the complete bottom, (right before you crack), from having way too much on your plate from physically doing it all. Yes I know this is what all moms have to do but my husband seriously felt like his role was to get up go to work and come home. End of story. He was earning money for his family, which was great and deeply acknowledged but I worked too... at home and away from it too. I just felt familiarity in the mans words.
And then SHE said what she said. She said, “How about you go ask Maya to help you. Seems like she knows how to help you with all your other stresses in life.”
Woah.
Soak that sucker in. Did that hit me below the belt or what.
Guess what. I’m Maya.
Well not … HIS Maya, but I’m a Maya.
I instantly felt for this guy. Oh Yes, yes I felt for her too, because she was obviously hurt by choices her husband made and maybe her depression from his affair caused her lack in helping I don’t know the whole story. I felt her pain briefly for a couple of second, (I still feel bad about what I did to HIS wife).
BUT, I understand first hand, my needs, not being met and doing, (or feeling like you do), everything alone. A spouse can be right there in the house and then, not really there even as they are. I just personally have the husband that emotionally and sometimes physically WASNT/ISNT there/here. I bet somehow he met Maya innocently, (or maybe not), but either way you don’t walk up to someone and pull your manhood out of your pants and she lays down on the floor, and an affair starts. I hate to bust your bubbles but that definitely isn’t how it usually starts and I’m pretty sure most spouses don’t have affairs with hookers or giggolos. What happens is conversations occur. Laughter happens. There isn’t loads of laundry needing to be done and a spouse yelling from the bathroom that he has no clean boxers and its your fault. It starts sooooo simply, I can’t even express. A door being held open for a woman, who’s husband has dropped the door in her face everyday when they leave for work to car pool together. A woman touching a mans shoulder asking if he had a good weekend on Monday morning! Even plain simple eye contact. Couples can’t even look at each other half the time.
Or it could be a man making a new pot of coffee at work, (because he took the last cup), and a woman thanking him for doing so. Its amazing what five seconds of kindness does for someone whose cup is empty and life is empty as well. Thing is, sometimes that conversation over a coffee pot every morning at work becomes wanted … needed almost. That coffee leads to a innocent invite for lunch. You think its okay, you’re working, he’s a coworker so you go. And for a moment lose track of time and even who you are because get this! YOU ARE HAVING FUN! You go back to work and you can’t focus. You had never noticed his eyes before . Or His smile. And That Voice. You look down and you have a text message on your phone. Its from your husband it reads: " Can you go get Pranav from daycare - he is throwing up !" Your mommy instinct kicks in, and you get up to leave and your car won’t start. The problem with the car is that your husband has promised he’d look at it for two weeks in a row that it has been stalling on starting, and he still hasn’t. Football and beers with the guys had been more fun. You call your husband to say that the car won’t start and he starts yelling at you like its your fault. You call the daycare about the sick kid and she informs you that its okay and she will see you in a bit and then mentions that your husband hasn’t paid her yet. You told him three times NOT to forget to pay her but now you have a late fee.
You look up exasperated and exhausted as you almost always feel these days and the coffee guy is walking to his car. He comes over and asks if everything is okay. You explain the situation. He looks under the hood, jumps your car, shuts the hood and hands you his brother’s business card who is an auto part owner and mentions it probably is just the battery. You go to daycare, don’t turn off the car in fear of it not starting, get your little boy , drive to the battery shop, get the battery at a killer price because you know 'somebody' and drive home. You walk into your house, and its a bomb, there is a message on the home phone that your oldest kid, embarking on his teenage years, didn’t show up to three of his classes. There is water on the floor that the puppy knocked over and your husband is sitting on the couch watching CRICKET. You realise that you forgot to book the gas, and get frantic on how and what to cook for dinner, even as your 7 year old walks in tells you that a major project is due tomorrow and all you can think about is coffee with coffee guy today. You try and start a conversation with your husband about buying the battery and the car working now and he gets all butt hurt that you didn’t let him do it, like he said he would and adds " how could you trust a stranger in these times of violence against women" Regardless of you being stranded at work and him never coming to help. And just like that you hear a ping. You look down at your phone and its a text. “Got your number from the work employee book, glad the car battery ended up working. Hope you have a good night! See you at the coffee pot, bright and early tomorrow, can’t wait!”
Can’t wait? Why can’t he wait? OMG What is he thinking? And just like that…. butterflies. And just like that… it starts.
Now I’m not saying that normal life crap and drama cause affairs. It does not have to and it should not. However I am saying no help and needs not being met, (emotional, sexual or just simple help) will lead to people finding ways to having those needs met. Someone doesn’t just hold a door for you and you jump on them undressing them. I just realized at the booking counter then that if this man truly didn’t have help at home and she never did anything, after awhile that adds up, takes a toll. I’m not saying its right to have an affair. I’m not saying that is how you handle a loveless, helpless, sexless marriage. I’m saying this situation makes it easier for someone to step out, if even to shortly gain their sanity. Marriage is 50/50. There are times its 80/20 but you better catch up on your 80 next week when the other is having a 20 week because it gets old and lonely being the 80 all the time.
I snapped out of my reverie .... true that my brief escape into another world , just now and a few years back were behind me. It was good while it lasted and I was on cloud nine that someone cared. But how long does one stay u there in the clouds. Getting back to earth was inevitable. Now those days and feelings were just memories that stung as much as it pleasured. I had painfully exited the fantasy world and got back into reality sooner than later. But yes I was HER for a long while.
( This is a fiction entry for Week 13 of Lj idol based on conversations with a couple of friends who had been having troubled marriages and one who sought refuge outside her marriage. It was a free topic week . Marital issues and affairs seem to be getting quite rampant in our otherwise traditional and conservative society these days. Its ironical that in a world where people seem to be getting closer with technology ... they seem to be drifting apart in their homes. I know I have touched upon a taboo topic but the intention is to let couples know what is missing .... and urge them to get the missing pieces back.... sooner than later. Criticisms - Constructive or Otherwise are always welcome and Votes ... well I hope you do vote for me too)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dyg7lZ8KLEc