I love you, Mum.
Have probably drunk more than i should have but it's mother's day tomorrow which always makes me miserable and i'm at the start of another period - have been alternating week on/week off for the past 6 weeks. Either gonna be stress or something to do with the implant. Still haven't been paid by my cleaning boss. Al has had to beg for an overdraft so we can pay rent this month, as it needs paying 3 days before his wages arrive and we have no idea when my boss will pay me as he's not answering his phone.
So yeah, stress and menstrual crap has basically made me even more miserable (and even slightly angry) about mother's day than normal. I think part of why i dislike it so is down to the fact that all through school and brownies we were singled out when it came to making mother's day cards and had to use templates with either 'granny' or the name of a female who was considered to have a maternalesque relationship with us. I know that even before i found out how close it tends to fall to the anniversary of her death it was now that i tend most to assosciate with it. Dunno what i'm going to do when i have kids. I don't want them to feel singled out the way i did, but equally i really do not want to recieve any mother's day cards. Ever.
E was over today adn we went to see Grandma and she was much more positive than i've seen her, but she seems to have forgotten that she can't walk. As Erin put it, her chronology has been messed up: she remembers walking but doesn't remember how long it has been since she last walked. Felt sorry for her (in an mepathetic rather than pitying manner) but then the fricking nurses had to ruin it by assuming we were visiting because tomorrow's mother's day.
It hurts like i can't describe. It'll be 20yrs on the 4th April and it still feels like a frsh wound. Some of that is because there are always regrets: i wish she could have met Al; I wish she could have visited me at uni; i wish she was there to ask advice on every topic under the sun. Dad is amazing but sometimes you need a mum. Al's mum is fantastic but she isn't my mum. I feel like i need her opinion on so many of my opinions, particularly spiritual/political ones. Not just her opinion but also her approval and her argument. I want to talk with her, the way i do with dad.
By the by, i think part of the reason it's taken me so long to realise how masculocentric the world still is is because i was raised in such a supportive, loving, respectful and liberal manner. But i'd like to talk to my mum about feminism and problems she's faced. I'd like her support on a certain sore subject because anecdotal evidence suggests it happened to her too, under very different circumstances but i can't tell my dad and i would like to talk to mum and be held by her and maybe i could deal with it then. Or at least find out how she did.
I knew her from a toddler's world view and that of a small child, but not as a child, not as a teenager and not as an adult and i have missed her as i have progressed through those worlds. They say time heals, but actually all it seems to do is present more situations whereby i realise how huge a gap her absence creates.
I know that if she was alive we might not get on. My aunt talks to me about her relationship with my granny and tries to play up the conflict and the things granny has said or done which have had the unintended effect of hurting my aunt. she talks about how the fell out badly during her teenage years and how hard Grandada's death was and how she was the parent, in a sense, to granny during it. But we both know she says this to make me feel better.
I sometimes wonder who i would be if Mum hadn't died. More of a hippie, i reckon, because i think her attitudes would have rubbed off on me. Also, a better cook and more musical and probably already sprogging little ones. I might also be better at actually doing things i want to, and sticking with hobbies rather than discarding them (i quit ballet very quickly after she died and haven't ever really stuck at anything since and i regret quitting ballet). Of course, maybe we would have argued and i would have become more right wing and conservative, but knowing who i am without her, i don't think that that is very likely!
I'm not actually crying or anything, not even any level of depressed. Maybe a little melancholy but mostly just gut-wrenchingly missing her. Hoping to cry when Al comes home and holds me but have shed so few tears this week, even when i've really wanted them, so not hugely hopeful. Planning on curling up with the film Keeping Mum because it's awesome. Actually, too tired. Will probably curl up with a book instead. Short stories beckon...
Maybe tomorrow i'll sit down and expand the scraps of lyrics i rediscovered this morning and pretend she's next to me with a guitar. That's a nice thought.
So yeah, stress and menstrual crap has basically made me even more miserable (and even slightly angry) about mother's day than normal. I think part of why i dislike it so is down to the fact that all through school and brownies we were singled out when it came to making mother's day cards and had to use templates with either 'granny' or the name of a female who was considered to have a maternalesque relationship with us. I know that even before i found out how close it tends to fall to the anniversary of her death it was now that i tend most to assosciate with it. Dunno what i'm going to do when i have kids. I don't want them to feel singled out the way i did, but equally i really do not want to recieve any mother's day cards. Ever.
E was over today adn we went to see Grandma and she was much more positive than i've seen her, but she seems to have forgotten that she can't walk. As Erin put it, her chronology has been messed up: she remembers walking but doesn't remember how long it has been since she last walked. Felt sorry for her (in an mepathetic rather than pitying manner) but then the fricking nurses had to ruin it by assuming we were visiting because tomorrow's mother's day.
It hurts like i can't describe. It'll be 20yrs on the 4th April and it still feels like a frsh wound. Some of that is because there are always regrets: i wish she could have met Al; I wish she could have visited me at uni; i wish she was there to ask advice on every topic under the sun. Dad is amazing but sometimes you need a mum. Al's mum is fantastic but she isn't my mum. I feel like i need her opinion on so many of my opinions, particularly spiritual/political ones. Not just her opinion but also her approval and her argument. I want to talk with her, the way i do with dad.
By the by, i think part of the reason it's taken me so long to realise how masculocentric the world still is is because i was raised in such a supportive, loving, respectful and liberal manner. But i'd like to talk to my mum about feminism and problems she's faced. I'd like her support on a certain sore subject because anecdotal evidence suggests it happened to her too, under very different circumstances but i can't tell my dad and i would like to talk to mum and be held by her and maybe i could deal with it then. Or at least find out how she did.
I knew her from a toddler's world view and that of a small child, but not as a child, not as a teenager and not as an adult and i have missed her as i have progressed through those worlds. They say time heals, but actually all it seems to do is present more situations whereby i realise how huge a gap her absence creates.
I know that if she was alive we might not get on. My aunt talks to me about her relationship with my granny and tries to play up the conflict and the things granny has said or done which have had the unintended effect of hurting my aunt. she talks about how the fell out badly during her teenage years and how hard Grandada's death was and how she was the parent, in a sense, to granny during it. But we both know she says this to make me feel better.
I sometimes wonder who i would be if Mum hadn't died. More of a hippie, i reckon, because i think her attitudes would have rubbed off on me. Also, a better cook and more musical and probably already sprogging little ones. I might also be better at actually doing things i want to, and sticking with hobbies rather than discarding them (i quit ballet very quickly after she died and haven't ever really stuck at anything since and i regret quitting ballet). Of course, maybe we would have argued and i would have become more right wing and conservative, but knowing who i am without her, i don't think that that is very likely!
I'm not actually crying or anything, not even any level of depressed. Maybe a little melancholy but mostly just gut-wrenchingly missing her. Hoping to cry when Al comes home and holds me but have shed so few tears this week, even when i've really wanted them, so not hugely hopeful. Planning on curling up with the film Keeping Mum because it's awesome. Actually, too tired. Will probably curl up with a book instead. Short stories beckon...
Maybe tomorrow i'll sit down and expand the scraps of lyrics i rediscovered this morning and pretend she's next to me with a guitar. That's a nice thought.