another hard day

[missy_bojangles]

today i woke up just realizing that my baby is gone. i woke up just seeing the picture of him on my bed beside me and burst into tears. i got up and went looking through a lot of paperwork and found the sheetmusic brandon had given me so we could both play and sing it on the piano. it was our song ONE SWEET DAY by Mariah Carey and it just fit the situation. it totally tore me up inside. then i went to danny's to check on chris. and then danny and i went to hammond to buy brandon a new pair of red drumsticks, chopsticks because his favorite food was chinese and we brought it to albertsons and got them to make a bouquet out of it with baby breath and a single red rose. while we were in the store brandon's favorite song by elton john "your song" came on over the radio and i completely lost it. i also brought the sheet music for YOU RAISE ME UP by Josh Groban because we had rehearsed that song over and over again for the band concert during brandon's senior year. he was going to sing it and at the last minute chickened out and didnt do it. i then dropped danny off and came home. we got lost trying to find the church where the wake was, everyone got lost and i just knew brandon had did that to us. brandon was always late for everything and we had always said he would be late for his own funeral. well when we arrived he still wasnt ready. he was fashionably late for his own funeral. many of my friends were there to pay their respects and were there for me. on the back of the sheet music i had written a note to brandon that truly came from my heart. everyone went inside and it took me awhile to finally calm down and go in. i went and signed my name in the book and saw his pictures on the table. i was about to walk in the church and as i went towards the corner of the wall i just stopped and cried because it was just too hard. i didnt want to see him. i didnt want all of this to happen. so later i finally got the guts to go up there. before i looked at him i went and hugged his mom and i saw his dad and hugged him and thats when it got the best of me. i looked at him, laying there in the casket and couldnt grab ahold of myself. i was probably the loudest person crying there. his daddy put my little bouquet in his hands and they're going to bury him with it and the sheet music. everyone read the note on the back of the sheet music, i didnt mind. i then ran my fingers through his hair and just couldnt control myself. then sarah, kristina, Chris, danny and the rest of my friends came and put their arms around me while i laid my head on the side of the casket. everyone was there for me and i appreciate it but i just felt so isolated. its just the best part of me is gone and i will never be able to meet someone like him ever! he was an angel sent down to me to put up with everything i did. and i just wish i could have did something to keep him alive today. but eventually just sitting there out of nowhere i started crying and cracked a joke about his hair saying that he's probably cursing the people out who fixed his hair because they didnt put hair gel in it. at that moment i knew he was in me and i just cracked jokes the rest of the night. before i left i went and told my goodbyes and his dad told me that there were gona be five songs played tomorrow at the funeral and YOU RAISE ME UP was one of them. i then hugged mr joe and ms julie bye and went to the casket to say my goodbye for the night. i kissed him on his forehead and walked out. so tomorrow will be the longest and hardest day ever. but tonight jamie had brought me a picture of when we were going to the ren. festival brandon's senior year and he kept singing to me and i was getting aggrivated with him. this is the picture and the smile that got me through this evening...


Brandon may you rest in peace and watch over us to make sure we dont do anything stupid. i love you and will always remember you every step of my life.