Is this forever...? ~ many different bands ~ Part 3
Title: Is this forever...? (Part 3: Bleed Just To Know You're Alive)
Author: Ame
Rating: PG-13 to NC-17
Rating for this part: R
Genre: slight AU, humour, angst, yaoi
Warnings: bloodplay, occasional violent sexual encounters, a good amount of swearing (unfortunately, it's habitual...)
Pairings (overall): Yu~ki (ex Malice Mizer)x Gackt (solo, S.K.I.N.), Miyavi (solo, S.K.I.N.), Shinya, Kyo, Die, Toshiya, Kaoru (Dir en grey), Atsushi (Buck-Tick), Ruki, Kai, Reita (The GazettE), Yoshiki (X Japan, S.K.I.N., etc.), Mana (Moi Dix Mois), Koji (OC), Kozi (solo, ex Malice Mizer)
Pairing for this part: Yu~kixMana (talked about), Yu~kixRuki
Summary: One of Malice Mizer's biggest secrets is about to become a very real danger to every famous Jrocker in Japan...
Disclaimer: I own none of the people used in this fanfiction, however the Koji referred to is an original character of mine. I'm making no money off of this. Did kind of steal the title from "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls.
Comments: MADE YOU LOOK! XDDD
P.S. (repeat) Does anyone know how to make the lines above letters? Help would be much appreciated :)
As he picked up the phone and heard the voice across the line, he was once again reminded why he didn't carry a cell phone. It was just too damn annoying when people called. Always. Inevitably. Especially when he called. He could practically hear the telling smirk as he spoke his name.
"Hello Mana." Mana practically cringed. Instantly, he banished the few people around him with telling glares, and then sat back once he was alone.
"I'm busy," he said, and Yu~ki chuckled darkly across the line.
"Not yet," he answered. Mana closed his eyes momentarily, managing just barely to avert chills. He pursed his lips slightly.
"I mean that I'm working on a show," he said, fighting a temper. Yu~ki, mere miles away, smiled to himself and got up to pour himself a glass of wine.
"Yes. I'm planning on going," he mumbled. Mana heard the tinkle of glasses and knew instantly what his next statement would be.
"No," he answered prematurely. "Absolutely not." Yu~ki pouted to himself.
"Mana, you know there's no one else who will..."
"And you've already had enough company for the week, or you wouldn't be calling. Good-bye, Yu~ki." Abruptly, he hung up the phone and dropped it into his lap, closing his eyes to compose himself. He sighed softly and popped his neck, then got up to replace the phone and get the technicians back. On his way out, however, he heard a different voice say his name.
"...Mana?" That one made him stop in his tracks. At first, he didn't know whether he should react, but the sound of approaching footsteps made that decision for him. Slowly, he turned around, and met the pleading eyes of the approching man. He bowed his head shortly.
"Gackt," he said quietly, and blinked as he stopped a few feet away, nervously darting his eyes between Mana's and various pieces of sound equipment. He shifted a little, and one hand drifted up to touch his neck. For a moment, his eyes closed, as he was gathering courage, and then he turned back to Mana resolutely. As he opened his mouth to speak, Mana cut him off. "If this is about Yu~ki, I don't want to hear it." Gackt's mouth fell closed, but only for a moment.
"It's not just about Yu~ki," he managed before Mana raised one hand, silencing him.
"I don't care," he said shortly, and walked off. Suddenly Gackt's hand was on his wrist, stopping him, and Mana snatched his hand away and glared at the soloist. His blue-contact eyes were pleading desperately and had glazed over, as if he were fighting back tears.
"Please," he begged quietly. "No one else will listen." The tears welled in his eyes, and Mana blinked apathetically at him.
"What makes you think I will?" he asked after a long silence. Gackt practically cringed.
"Because...because you have to. Mana, you can't just let him do-"
"Do what? Live? What makes you think I have any say in this? Go home, Gackt-san," he said, and began to walk away once more. This time, it was Gackt's cold voice that caught him.
"He loved you," Gackt said quietly. Instantly, Mana stopped and gasped, his heartbeat fluttering for a single moment as a barrage of memories flashed before his eyes. Gritting his teeth, he shook his head.
"Don't speak of things you do not know," he growled. There was a moment of tense silence, and then Gackt stepped up to him slowly.
"He almost had you," he continued. Mana shut his eyes tight, willing himself away. But the images that covered the backs of his eyelids said differently. He felt Gackt's fingertips against his skin, brushing lightly against a tiny scar that was invisible to anyone who didn't know to look for it. The barely-there touch made Mana shiver. "If I hadn't been looking for you..." Gackt shook his head, pressing a little more against the mark. "You'd be dead," he finished. A single tear streaked down Mana's cheek, and suddenly he wheeled around and slapped him. Gackt was thrown by the blow, and stumbled, tripping violently over an amp. As he looked up, shocked, he was met by a fierce stare, wet eyes shimmering in the glare of a few scattered lights. Though it had been a long time since he'd had to communicate through expressions alone, Gackt was still used to it, and he received the full implications of this one. Never, ever, speak of that again. I have no one to thank. And, very possibly, he would rarely be admitted into the man's presence again. Coldly, Mana wiped the tears from his cheeks and, without a backward glance, strode off, leaving Gackt gaping in his wake.
Yu~ki hung up the phone and sighed, setting the wine bottle back down. Though his glass was barely full, he took it up in his hand and went swiftly back to the other room, sitting comfortably in a chair and sipping at the dark liquid. A quick glance at the clock told him it was only half past nine, which gave him plenty of time. However, in a mere three hours, he would have wasted an entire day. That, he had decided early on, was something he couldn't do, if he wanted to get anything done. But as he relaxed in the chair, listening to the soft breathing of his new fledgling in the other room, he couldn't seem to think of a way to remedy the situation. He'd caught Shinya in a bar mere days before, so to return there would be dangerous. Maybe the bar thing wasn't such a bad idea, though. Considering even Gackt had been at that gay bar, maybe it was a new fad for Japanese musicians. They certainly did dress the part. Shinya moaned lightly in the other room and stopped breathing. Glancing down, he realised the glass in his hand was empty, and Yu~ki looked down at it as if asking it how it had done that. Blinking, he shrugged a little to himself and went to get his shoes.
An hour and a half later, Yu~ki was sprinting from one overhang to the next, worrying over how terrible he looked and about to abandon the whole thing, when he stepped under the next overhang and recognised the man already there. His hair was in his face, and he was very wet and shivering from the cold, but he was unmistakable. The small light from the end of his cigarette confirmed it: Ruki, vocalist for the little PSC band, The GazettE. Yu~ki smiled shortly to himself before stepping up to him.
"I'll never get used to these things," he said. Ruki glanced up at him shortly, then nodded a little. He took a slow drag before speaking.
"At least it'll be over quick," he offered. After taking another drag he dropped his cigarette and crushed it under his shoe. "Small storm system." A thin trail of smoke followed this phrase, and Yu~ki eyed him indescreetly. In his mind, he was cursing. So much for gay-bar-hopping; this one was straight. At least he had his luck to thank, however, as the street they were on was very much empty and Ruki didn't seem to recognise him. Thinking better of his first introduction, he went with his second. Yu~ki nodded.
"That's good." Ruki didn't respond, and Yu~ki feigned a cough. He took out his cell phone after a short moment, and made a show of it not working. Reluctantly, he slipped it back into his pocket and turned to the vocalist. "I hate to impose, but do you have a phone I could use?" he asked. Ruki was already pulling one out as he spoke. Yu~ki bowed a little to him, thanking him quietly, and called home. It went straight to his answering machine after two rings, and all he had to say was "Moshi-moshi...It's Yu~ki," before Shinya picked up the phone.
"I thought you went out," he said quietly. Yu~ki heard him yawn almost silently. As expected, the vocalist had turned his head a little at the name, already curious, and was now eyeing him as indiscreetly as he could.
"I'm sorry," he responded, almost honestly. "I'm going to be home late. Don't stay up and wait for me. If you want, go ahead and go out for dinner. Just bring a raincoat," he instructed. Shinya nodded and yawned again.
"I don't think I will," he answered, and then prodded at the phone. "But I won't stay up waiting for you. Anything else?" He had very quickly gotten used to taking directions from the man, and had also learned to ask for extra information. Yu~ki tended to assume, and more often than not it got Shinya into trouble. He thought for a moment before shaking his head.
"No, that's all. Thank you," he said. Shinya yawned, loudly this time, and then hung up. Carefully, Yu~ki closed up the cell phone and handed it back to Ruki. By now Ruki was fairly convinced that the Yu~ki beside him was the Yu~ki, but wasn't about to say anything. They stood for a few moments more in silence, waiting for the rain to stop, and the tension between them fast grew to a fever pitch that Yu~ki could almost hear. By the irregularity of Ruki's breaths and heartbeat, Yu~ki knew he was about to break, and cursed the rain as it stopped suddenly, giving him an out. Ruki looked up at the dark sky for a moment before turning and bowing a little to Yu~ki, then rushed off. Yu~ki stared after him, blinking slowly. A smirk crept across his face and blossomed gradually, and licking his lips he strode after the man.
As Ruki stepped inside his apaato, he let out a sigh of relief. It had been so close...if they had only been stuck under there for a moment longer, he was sure he would have snapped and embarrassed the hell out of himself. Maybe even had a scandal on his hands, if things had gone really bad. His answering machine was blinking at him, but he ignored it and went straight for his bedroom, tossing his keys beside the phone and slipping out of his jacket as he went. But his relief was quickly banished as he flipped on the light and started violently, screaming and falling back against the wall.
"What-what the fuck are you-how did you get in here?" he stuttered. The man sitting casually on the edge of his bed merely smiled at him. They were silent for a moment, staring at each other, as Yu~ki's dark eyes worked their magic on Ruki, helping him calm. After a long time, Yu~ki spoke, very softly.
"You're curious," he said, and Ruki blinked at him. He stood slowly, languidly, as if he were made of water, and Ruki pressed himself more against the wall. Yu~ki merely stood there, however, gazing at him. His very eyes seemed to speak to him, and he could swear he actually heard a voice in his head. Ask, it said, and very persuasively, with a tone like silk or a cool, relaxing breeze. You'll never know if you don't ask... He began to tremble, responding to the voice in his head. No way. It's fucking impossible, he reasoned. But the phrase was repeated, over and over, softly, coaxingly. Ruki felt as if he were going mad, and the tension rose up in him again, boiling slowly over. It was the very look in Yu~ki's eyes that made him break.
"What are you?" he said finally, his voice barely above a whisper and trembling. Yu~ki chuckled darkly.
"I'm glad you asked..."
Total darkness, absolute stillness. He was paralysed. There were hands on his skin, fleeting, cold hands. He felt them on his chest, travelling along the curves of his muscles, dancing down and across. They were arousing, but frightening. He felt himself being lifted, and placed on something soft, which he could only assume was his bed. He was cold, very cold, and felt air across his skin. But he had been dressed seconds before! And this man - this thing - god, he always knew! Why the fuck did he have to ask! This monster...he could only imagine the things he might be planning, and none of them appealed to him in the slightest. Sure, he was curious. Sure, he ached to know. Didn't everybody? But he wasn't so curious as to want it! He tried to writhe, tried to scream, but everything but what was necessary for survival had been shut down. The hands came back, and he felt them this time as defined fingertips, leading into palms, instead of the previous fleeting breeze. He heard Yu~ki tut above him.
"Such beautiful skin..." he breathed. The hands disappeared, only to be instantly replaced by a single finger. Ruki gasped, feeling the digit tracing across his skin, across the nearly invisible lines that no one else had touched, no one else had even seen. "Why...?" he asked softly, real sorrow tinting his voice. The finger went across his chest, drifting along his shoulder and creeping down his arm, turning from long, jagged strokes to quick, short ones. One of Ruki's hands was palm-up, and Yu~ki breathed out a near hiss as the finger trailed across his wrist. "Why?" he asked again, his voice sounding somewhat angry this time. Ruki tried to flail, tried to escape the torture and guilt he was causing, and felt hot tears begin to streak down his cheeks. Warm lips pressed against them gently, and Ruki shivered. God, no! This isn't right! He's a fucking guy! Thoughts raced through his mind as he continued to struggle, somehow getting worn out even though he knew he wasn't moving. His breath had quickened, as had his heartbeat, and Yu~ki withdrew swiftly.
"I'm sorry," he said, sincerely. Ruki barely had time to register the double meaning before he felt a huge pressure against the left side of his neck, and his entire body became flushed and seemed to scream in agony. A shockwave of pain set every nerve in his body on fire, but was chased down almost instantly by total, extreme exstasy. What had replaced it, however, wasn't the mere feeling of having his blood drained, but the fact that Yu~ki had dug his short, sharp nails into Ruki's skin and was tearing at it violently. He was re-opening every single scar, precisely, from his neck to his shoulders, down his arms, even the ones on his thighs. Ruki felt his mind begin to slip, but tried hard to stay conscious. He wasn't going to let this happen! It wasn't his time, this wasn't his fate, he knew that, if nothing else. But it seemed the harder he tried, the faster he slipped away. As he became suddenly, painfully aware of the fact that, yes, there was a mouth on his neck sucking gently away at his very life, he felt Yu~ki's hands come up across his white-hot skin, drag lightly down his arms, and end up at his wrists. But as the nails slid swiftly across the veins there, he didn't feel the gush of blood. He was only cold, forever empty and cold.
When he woke, he didn't open his eyes. He knew what had happened, as he could even vaguely remember the feel of Yu~ki's blood pouring into his mouth, and clutching at the vampire violently, tearing his wrist into bloody shreds as the man had done to his body. It was this fact that made him never want to open his eyes again, never want to get up, stay right where he was and die. It wasn't the death that bothered him so much. Not his death. That was inevitable, like so much else. It was all the consequent deaths, all the destruction he would cause. That was the reason he'd started to cut, that was the reason, he felt, that he was a closet masochist. He was just too damned selfish to hurt anyone else, as he knew he would if he hadn't hurt himself. But now that, too, was inevitable. At least, it would be if he ever got up.
It took the disease a mere two days to eat at Ruki enough that he got up from instinct and killed the cat in the parking lot below. Not long enough for anyone to worry about him, for anyone to come down instead of calling. As he regained conscious control of himself, Ruki realised he was crying into the fur of the dying cat. Warm tears that stung his eyes a little as they seeped out of them, splashing onto the fur and running down it in rivulets. He stared down at the fur beneath him, slowly taking the creature from his mouth as he felt its heart stop beating. It was the tears that did it for him They were red, red as the blood he had gotten so used to seeing on himself, red as the blood he knew he needed to live, now. It was that sight, that revelation, that brought him to his first near-fatal mistake.
Author: Ame
Rating: PG-13 to NC-17
Rating for this part: R
Genre: slight AU, humour, angst, yaoi
Warnings: bloodplay, occasional violent sexual encounters, a good amount of swearing (unfortunately, it's habitual...)
Pairings (overall): Yu~ki (ex Malice Mizer)x Gackt (solo, S.K.I.N.), Miyavi (solo, S.K.I.N.), Shinya, Kyo, Die, Toshiya, Kaoru (Dir en grey), Atsushi (Buck-Tick), Ruki, Kai, Reita (The GazettE), Yoshiki (X Japan, S.K.I.N., etc.), Mana (Moi Dix Mois), Koji (OC), Kozi (solo, ex Malice Mizer)
Pairing for this part: Yu~kixMana (talked about), Yu~kixRuki
Summary: One of Malice Mizer's biggest secrets is about to become a very real danger to every famous Jrocker in Japan...
Disclaimer: I own none of the people used in this fanfiction, however the Koji referred to is an original character of mine. I'm making no money off of this. Did kind of steal the title from "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls.
Comments: MADE YOU LOOK! XDDD
P.S. (repeat) Does anyone know how to make the lines above letters? Help would be much appreciated :)
As he picked up the phone and heard the voice across the line, he was once again reminded why he didn't carry a cell phone. It was just too damn annoying when people called. Always. Inevitably. Especially when he called. He could practically hear the telling smirk as he spoke his name.
"Hello Mana." Mana practically cringed. Instantly, he banished the few people around him with telling glares, and then sat back once he was alone.
"I'm busy," he said, and Yu~ki chuckled darkly across the line.
"Not yet," he answered. Mana closed his eyes momentarily, managing just barely to avert chills. He pursed his lips slightly.
"I mean that I'm working on a show," he said, fighting a temper. Yu~ki, mere miles away, smiled to himself and got up to pour himself a glass of wine.
"Yes. I'm planning on going," he mumbled. Mana heard the tinkle of glasses and knew instantly what his next statement would be.
"No," he answered prematurely. "Absolutely not." Yu~ki pouted to himself.
"Mana, you know there's no one else who will..."
"And you've already had enough company for the week, or you wouldn't be calling. Good-bye, Yu~ki." Abruptly, he hung up the phone and dropped it into his lap, closing his eyes to compose himself. He sighed softly and popped his neck, then got up to replace the phone and get the technicians back. On his way out, however, he heard a different voice say his name.
"...Mana?" That one made him stop in his tracks. At first, he didn't know whether he should react, but the sound of approaching footsteps made that decision for him. Slowly, he turned around, and met the pleading eyes of the approching man. He bowed his head shortly.
"Gackt," he said quietly, and blinked as he stopped a few feet away, nervously darting his eyes between Mana's and various pieces of sound equipment. He shifted a little, and one hand drifted up to touch his neck. For a moment, his eyes closed, as he was gathering courage, and then he turned back to Mana resolutely. As he opened his mouth to speak, Mana cut him off. "If this is about Yu~ki, I don't want to hear it." Gackt's mouth fell closed, but only for a moment.
"It's not just about Yu~ki," he managed before Mana raised one hand, silencing him.
"I don't care," he said shortly, and walked off. Suddenly Gackt's hand was on his wrist, stopping him, and Mana snatched his hand away and glared at the soloist. His blue-contact eyes were pleading desperately and had glazed over, as if he were fighting back tears.
"Please," he begged quietly. "No one else will listen." The tears welled in his eyes, and Mana blinked apathetically at him.
"What makes you think I will?" he asked after a long silence. Gackt practically cringed.
"Because...because you have to. Mana, you can't just let him do-"
"Do what? Live? What makes you think I have any say in this? Go home, Gackt-san," he said, and began to walk away once more. This time, it was Gackt's cold voice that caught him.
"He loved you," Gackt said quietly. Instantly, Mana stopped and gasped, his heartbeat fluttering for a single moment as a barrage of memories flashed before his eyes. Gritting his teeth, he shook his head.
"Don't speak of things you do not know," he growled. There was a moment of tense silence, and then Gackt stepped up to him slowly.
"He almost had you," he continued. Mana shut his eyes tight, willing himself away. But the images that covered the backs of his eyelids said differently. He felt Gackt's fingertips against his skin, brushing lightly against a tiny scar that was invisible to anyone who didn't know to look for it. The barely-there touch made Mana shiver. "If I hadn't been looking for you..." Gackt shook his head, pressing a little more against the mark. "You'd be dead," he finished. A single tear streaked down Mana's cheek, and suddenly he wheeled around and slapped him. Gackt was thrown by the blow, and stumbled, tripping violently over an amp. As he looked up, shocked, he was met by a fierce stare, wet eyes shimmering in the glare of a few scattered lights. Though it had been a long time since he'd had to communicate through expressions alone, Gackt was still used to it, and he received the full implications of this one. Never, ever, speak of that again. I have no one to thank. And, very possibly, he would rarely be admitted into the man's presence again. Coldly, Mana wiped the tears from his cheeks and, without a backward glance, strode off, leaving Gackt gaping in his wake.
Yu~ki hung up the phone and sighed, setting the wine bottle back down. Though his glass was barely full, he took it up in his hand and went swiftly back to the other room, sitting comfortably in a chair and sipping at the dark liquid. A quick glance at the clock told him it was only half past nine, which gave him plenty of time. However, in a mere three hours, he would have wasted an entire day. That, he had decided early on, was something he couldn't do, if he wanted to get anything done. But as he relaxed in the chair, listening to the soft breathing of his new fledgling in the other room, he couldn't seem to think of a way to remedy the situation. He'd caught Shinya in a bar mere days before, so to return there would be dangerous. Maybe the bar thing wasn't such a bad idea, though. Considering even Gackt had been at that gay bar, maybe it was a new fad for Japanese musicians. They certainly did dress the part. Shinya moaned lightly in the other room and stopped breathing. Glancing down, he realised the glass in his hand was empty, and Yu~ki looked down at it as if asking it how it had done that. Blinking, he shrugged a little to himself and went to get his shoes.
An hour and a half later, Yu~ki was sprinting from one overhang to the next, worrying over how terrible he looked and about to abandon the whole thing, when he stepped under the next overhang and recognised the man already there. His hair was in his face, and he was very wet and shivering from the cold, but he was unmistakable. The small light from the end of his cigarette confirmed it: Ruki, vocalist for the little PSC band, The GazettE. Yu~ki smiled shortly to himself before stepping up to him.
"I'll never get used to these things," he said. Ruki glanced up at him shortly, then nodded a little. He took a slow drag before speaking.
"At least it'll be over quick," he offered. After taking another drag he dropped his cigarette and crushed it under his shoe. "Small storm system." A thin trail of smoke followed this phrase, and Yu~ki eyed him indescreetly. In his mind, he was cursing. So much for gay-bar-hopping; this one was straight. At least he had his luck to thank, however, as the street they were on was very much empty and Ruki didn't seem to recognise him. Thinking better of his first introduction, he went with his second. Yu~ki nodded.
"That's good." Ruki didn't respond, and Yu~ki feigned a cough. He took out his cell phone after a short moment, and made a show of it not working. Reluctantly, he slipped it back into his pocket and turned to the vocalist. "I hate to impose, but do you have a phone I could use?" he asked. Ruki was already pulling one out as he spoke. Yu~ki bowed a little to him, thanking him quietly, and called home. It went straight to his answering machine after two rings, and all he had to say was "Moshi-moshi...It's Yu~ki," before Shinya picked up the phone.
"I thought you went out," he said quietly. Yu~ki heard him yawn almost silently. As expected, the vocalist had turned his head a little at the name, already curious, and was now eyeing him as indiscreetly as he could.
"I'm sorry," he responded, almost honestly. "I'm going to be home late. Don't stay up and wait for me. If you want, go ahead and go out for dinner. Just bring a raincoat," he instructed. Shinya nodded and yawned again.
"I don't think I will," he answered, and then prodded at the phone. "But I won't stay up waiting for you. Anything else?" He had very quickly gotten used to taking directions from the man, and had also learned to ask for extra information. Yu~ki tended to assume, and more often than not it got Shinya into trouble. He thought for a moment before shaking his head.
"No, that's all. Thank you," he said. Shinya yawned, loudly this time, and then hung up. Carefully, Yu~ki closed up the cell phone and handed it back to Ruki. By now Ruki was fairly convinced that the Yu~ki beside him was the Yu~ki, but wasn't about to say anything. They stood for a few moments more in silence, waiting for the rain to stop, and the tension between them fast grew to a fever pitch that Yu~ki could almost hear. By the irregularity of Ruki's breaths and heartbeat, Yu~ki knew he was about to break, and cursed the rain as it stopped suddenly, giving him an out. Ruki looked up at the dark sky for a moment before turning and bowing a little to Yu~ki, then rushed off. Yu~ki stared after him, blinking slowly. A smirk crept across his face and blossomed gradually, and licking his lips he strode after the man.
As Ruki stepped inside his apaato, he let out a sigh of relief. It had been so close...if they had only been stuck under there for a moment longer, he was sure he would have snapped and embarrassed the hell out of himself. Maybe even had a scandal on his hands, if things had gone really bad. His answering machine was blinking at him, but he ignored it and went straight for his bedroom, tossing his keys beside the phone and slipping out of his jacket as he went. But his relief was quickly banished as he flipped on the light and started violently, screaming and falling back against the wall.
"What-what the fuck are you-how did you get in here?" he stuttered. The man sitting casually on the edge of his bed merely smiled at him. They were silent for a moment, staring at each other, as Yu~ki's dark eyes worked their magic on Ruki, helping him calm. After a long time, Yu~ki spoke, very softly.
"You're curious," he said, and Ruki blinked at him. He stood slowly, languidly, as if he were made of water, and Ruki pressed himself more against the wall. Yu~ki merely stood there, however, gazing at him. His very eyes seemed to speak to him, and he could swear he actually heard a voice in his head. Ask, it said, and very persuasively, with a tone like silk or a cool, relaxing breeze. You'll never know if you don't ask... He began to tremble, responding to the voice in his head. No way. It's fucking impossible, he reasoned. But the phrase was repeated, over and over, softly, coaxingly. Ruki felt as if he were going mad, and the tension rose up in him again, boiling slowly over. It was the very look in Yu~ki's eyes that made him break.
"What are you?" he said finally, his voice barely above a whisper and trembling. Yu~ki chuckled darkly.
"I'm glad you asked..."
Total darkness, absolute stillness. He was paralysed. There were hands on his skin, fleeting, cold hands. He felt them on his chest, travelling along the curves of his muscles, dancing down and across. They were arousing, but frightening. He felt himself being lifted, and placed on something soft, which he could only assume was his bed. He was cold, very cold, and felt air across his skin. But he had been dressed seconds before! And this man - this thing - god, he always knew! Why the fuck did he have to ask! This monster...he could only imagine the things he might be planning, and none of them appealed to him in the slightest. Sure, he was curious. Sure, he ached to know. Didn't everybody? But he wasn't so curious as to want it! He tried to writhe, tried to scream, but everything but what was necessary for survival had been shut down. The hands came back, and he felt them this time as defined fingertips, leading into palms, instead of the previous fleeting breeze. He heard Yu~ki tut above him.
"Such beautiful skin..." he breathed. The hands disappeared, only to be instantly replaced by a single finger. Ruki gasped, feeling the digit tracing across his skin, across the nearly invisible lines that no one else had touched, no one else had even seen. "Why...?" he asked softly, real sorrow tinting his voice. The finger went across his chest, drifting along his shoulder and creeping down his arm, turning from long, jagged strokes to quick, short ones. One of Ruki's hands was palm-up, and Yu~ki breathed out a near hiss as the finger trailed across his wrist. "Why?" he asked again, his voice sounding somewhat angry this time. Ruki tried to flail, tried to escape the torture and guilt he was causing, and felt hot tears begin to streak down his cheeks. Warm lips pressed against them gently, and Ruki shivered. God, no! This isn't right! He's a fucking guy! Thoughts raced through his mind as he continued to struggle, somehow getting worn out even though he knew he wasn't moving. His breath had quickened, as had his heartbeat, and Yu~ki withdrew swiftly.
"I'm sorry," he said, sincerely. Ruki barely had time to register the double meaning before he felt a huge pressure against the left side of his neck, and his entire body became flushed and seemed to scream in agony. A shockwave of pain set every nerve in his body on fire, but was chased down almost instantly by total, extreme exstasy. What had replaced it, however, wasn't the mere feeling of having his blood drained, but the fact that Yu~ki had dug his short, sharp nails into Ruki's skin and was tearing at it violently. He was re-opening every single scar, precisely, from his neck to his shoulders, down his arms, even the ones on his thighs. Ruki felt his mind begin to slip, but tried hard to stay conscious. He wasn't going to let this happen! It wasn't his time, this wasn't his fate, he knew that, if nothing else. But it seemed the harder he tried, the faster he slipped away. As he became suddenly, painfully aware of the fact that, yes, there was a mouth on his neck sucking gently away at his very life, he felt Yu~ki's hands come up across his white-hot skin, drag lightly down his arms, and end up at his wrists. But as the nails slid swiftly across the veins there, he didn't feel the gush of blood. He was only cold, forever empty and cold.
When he woke, he didn't open his eyes. He knew what had happened, as he could even vaguely remember the feel of Yu~ki's blood pouring into his mouth, and clutching at the vampire violently, tearing his wrist into bloody shreds as the man had done to his body. It was this fact that made him never want to open his eyes again, never want to get up, stay right where he was and die. It wasn't the death that bothered him so much. Not his death. That was inevitable, like so much else. It was all the consequent deaths, all the destruction he would cause. That was the reason he'd started to cut, that was the reason, he felt, that he was a closet masochist. He was just too damned selfish to hurt anyone else, as he knew he would if he hadn't hurt himself. But now that, too, was inevitable. At least, it would be if he ever got up.
It took the disease a mere two days to eat at Ruki enough that he got up from instinct and killed the cat in the parking lot below. Not long enough for anyone to worry about him, for anyone to come down instead of calling. As he regained conscious control of himself, Ruki realised he was crying into the fur of the dying cat. Warm tears that stung his eyes a little as they seeped out of them, splashing onto the fur and running down it in rivulets. He stared down at the fur beneath him, slowly taking the creature from his mouth as he felt its heart stop beating. It was the tears that did it for him They were red, red as the blood he had gotten so used to seeing on himself, red as the blood he knew he needed to live, now. It was that sight, that revelation, that brought him to his first near-fatal mistake.