Sep 15, 2005 19:01
This is going to be a long one so get ur popcorn ready, but i need to vent....
Its about josh if you havnt guessed. Pretty much everyone knows we broke up about three weeks ago. And we were still hanging out most of the time but he moved out. we still sleep over each others houses half the time and still did b/f g/f things, but i was moving on. At least i thought. Hanging out with him only masked the break up, so it didnt hurt so bad. He told me that no matter what it took he was going to get me back, and that was going to take a lot, but he promised not only for me but for himself he was going to straighten out his life, stop smoking, and get me back. And i was so excited...i wasnt going to jump right back with him because that would defeat the purpose. But i looked forward to the day when he truly had changed and i trusted him, and maybe we wouldnt get back together but i could know that he loved me for real. Which is what i need to know the most. Its not getting back together that is important to me, its knowing that it wasnt a waste of time. I spent a year with him...a year loving him, and making love to him. And talking about getting marride and having kids, my whole life was planned. And breaking up and all those plans going away is hard enough. But to think he never meant any of it hurts so bad. I loved him so much....ive never loved anyone like that and i dont know if i ever will again. i sit here in this room alone, and i dont know what im going to do. i dont know what to think, or who to call, i feel like i have nothing.
Everytime i was sad i went to him, or mad, ar ne thing. And now i have no one to go to. And i sit here all day and think, what hes doing, why hes doing this to me. Is he okay? Everytime we break up he says all he thinks about is me while hes gone, and that all he wants is us to be happy. And i think about that. And i sti here, and i know how stupid it is, but i try to think of how i could kill myself and feel okay about it. And i never would, but i wish i would....And i know that one day ill be okay. But right now im not. i dont know what to do....
Im going to stop rambling...