post xmas
Well...yesterday I did nothing. Didn't even really get dressed until 10 past 8 at night.
Christmas was good, but there was an underlying stress to it. On the surface it should have been relaxing. 5 nights at the beach shack, playing soccer with my nephews, eating lots, drinking a lot, playing guitar and swimming in the ocean. See... it sounds good, and those aspects of it were.... but under the surface it was highly stressful. Everyone missing dad and wallowing in their own grief, with mum barely managing to cope. Plus there seemed to be some sort of power struggle going on with the kids, which was hard too seeing mum would probably have had more time alone with them had Dad been there. It's like because he's gone now, her life has had to change much more than it necessarily should, but there's this void to fill and everyone's trying to fill it so much they're kind of pushing her out of the picture. Which is hard to see. I really dont know how she's keeping her head above the water. When we went to leave she bawled and made me promise I'd come back. She says she doesn't really know what she's living for. That scares me, but I can see how she'd feel that way. The two people closest to her in the world have been taken away in a matter of weeks. How she can be expected to adjust after that I dont know.
And the selfish part is that I really wanted to come home. After so many days of the stress, and trying to pretend its xmas and yay, I just really wanted to come home. Bjorn was also getting stressed out, and that was frustrating to deal with too. It all just compounds, and then I feel guilty because I cant cope with everyone elses emotions on top of mine. And I found myself just getting so fucking angry. Why did both of them have to die? If one remained then mum would cope, it would be hard, but she'd deal with it. How can it be that both of them died in the same few weeks from completely seperate things. The two absolute closest people to her. Her sister she was never apart from, and the man she'd been married to since she was 18. It's so fucking not fair and I'm just at the point lately where it makes me furious that this happened. Which is pointless, because nothing I say or do is going to change the fact that they're gone, and we all just have to deal, and mum has to find it within herself to deal with it. Personally, I think she's getting worse, and I really think she needs to seek some therapy. Someone who will let her cry to them and help get it out of her system.
SIGH.
I did enjoy the beach though while there. It reminded me of Dad in a good way. The beach was always his thing, he loved it, and he told me about a dream he had during his illness, where he walked out onto a beautiful beach and never came back. The moment that he died, I was kissing his forehead and telling him to walk out onto that big beach.
I'd like to visit beaches more. The ocean is very relaxing, and god knows I need some R&R.
Speaking of which, Bjorn's parents bought us a $300 voucher for a short holiday. I've been looking at some B&B's but most of the appeal is the open fire and double spas, so I think we'll save it for July when it's our birthdays.
I also got a Cappucinno machine from Bjorn, and the docco on the Dandy Warhols, DIG. Pink has started to seep into my kitchen now (yay) with the addition of a pink fry pan from Bjorn's nanna, and I also got some other bits and pieces such as sheets, a fondue set, cups & saucers, CDs and a voucher which I bought bathers with. Not sure if I'll have the nerve to wear them in public.... but hopefully I'll get the balls to. I'd like to start going to the pool early in the mornings. Swimming is a great exercise to get into, but I'm not sure.... we'll see if I get up the nerve.
Anyway, tomorrow's new years, and we're too broke, and left it too late to really plan anything, so we'll probably just be sitting at home drinking cheap wine. Hopefully there's a storm.
Merry Christmas everyone, and see you in the new year.
Christmas was good, but there was an underlying stress to it. On the surface it should have been relaxing. 5 nights at the beach shack, playing soccer with my nephews, eating lots, drinking a lot, playing guitar and swimming in the ocean. See... it sounds good, and those aspects of it were.... but under the surface it was highly stressful. Everyone missing dad and wallowing in their own grief, with mum barely managing to cope. Plus there seemed to be some sort of power struggle going on with the kids, which was hard too seeing mum would probably have had more time alone with them had Dad been there. It's like because he's gone now, her life has had to change much more than it necessarily should, but there's this void to fill and everyone's trying to fill it so much they're kind of pushing her out of the picture. Which is hard to see. I really dont know how she's keeping her head above the water. When we went to leave she bawled and made me promise I'd come back. She says she doesn't really know what she's living for. That scares me, but I can see how she'd feel that way. The two people closest to her in the world have been taken away in a matter of weeks. How she can be expected to adjust after that I dont know.
And the selfish part is that I really wanted to come home. After so many days of the stress, and trying to pretend its xmas and yay, I just really wanted to come home. Bjorn was also getting stressed out, and that was frustrating to deal with too. It all just compounds, and then I feel guilty because I cant cope with everyone elses emotions on top of mine. And I found myself just getting so fucking angry. Why did both of them have to die? If one remained then mum would cope, it would be hard, but she'd deal with it. How can it be that both of them died in the same few weeks from completely seperate things. The two absolute closest people to her. Her sister she was never apart from, and the man she'd been married to since she was 18. It's so fucking not fair and I'm just at the point lately where it makes me furious that this happened. Which is pointless, because nothing I say or do is going to change the fact that they're gone, and we all just have to deal, and mum has to find it within herself to deal with it. Personally, I think she's getting worse, and I really think she needs to seek some therapy. Someone who will let her cry to them and help get it out of her system.
SIGH.
I did enjoy the beach though while there. It reminded me of Dad in a good way. The beach was always his thing, he loved it, and he told me about a dream he had during his illness, where he walked out onto a beautiful beach and never came back. The moment that he died, I was kissing his forehead and telling him to walk out onto that big beach.
I'd like to visit beaches more. The ocean is very relaxing, and god knows I need some R&R.
Speaking of which, Bjorn's parents bought us a $300 voucher for a short holiday. I've been looking at some B&B's but most of the appeal is the open fire and double spas, so I think we'll save it for July when it's our birthdays.
I also got a Cappucinno machine from Bjorn, and the docco on the Dandy Warhols, DIG. Pink has started to seep into my kitchen now (yay) with the addition of a pink fry pan from Bjorn's nanna, and I also got some other bits and pieces such as sheets, a fondue set, cups & saucers, CDs and a voucher which I bought bathers with. Not sure if I'll have the nerve to wear them in public.... but hopefully I'll get the balls to. I'd like to start going to the pool early in the mornings. Swimming is a great exercise to get into, but I'm not sure.... we'll see if I get up the nerve.
Anyway, tomorrow's new years, and we're too broke, and left it too late to really plan anything, so we'll probably just be sitting at home drinking cheap wine. Hopefully there's a storm.
Merry Christmas everyone, and see you in the new year.