It's like trying to turn around on a one way street.
I couldn't sleep last night. I got off the phone with Jeremiah and then had a horrible gut feeling and made me reach for the phone and call him back. Just to tell him I love him one more time. He didn't answer so I just left him a message. I have no idea if he got it or not. But then, I just stayed awake. Staring at the ceiling. Taking random walks through the house to look out the many windows to the pastures and at the moon. Things were othering me. Numerous things, like now. Things, that I don't even know the reason behind, bothered me. I was just depressed and thinking. I don't even know why I was depressed in the first place. I had got irritated over the phone, but that soon passed when I realized I was being an idiot and I shouldn't be upset about anything. As soon as I thought that, I guess that's when I got more upset. I had been doing fairly well about controlling my emotions and, in a sense, keeping them in check and ignoring them. I had been doing fine until last night. Jeremiah hadn't even done anything to make me irritaited or anything. I just got upset and I suppose I took it out on him when he hadn't done anything and that made me feel like crap. I always feel awful whenever I take any emotion of mine out on him. He doesn't deserve any of it, no matter how small it is. God, he deserves so much better than that.
In other news, my mom's health has completely declined. She won't tell me what's wrong with her, but I've done some snooping and eavesdropping and I still can't really figure it out. But, my grandmother is talking to my dad right now about her being baptised and how that should be the way to go and stuff. I don't know. It's strange...But my dad just hung up on her. I know that my mom's been going to the doctor a lot. Every day this week she's been at the doctor. I hate being left in the dark. If something's wrong with my momma, I want to know about it. I guess the whole 'not-knowing' part is stressing me out and getting to me.
I'm going to bake a bunch of sweets soon. Ever heard of Baking Therapy? Well, that's what I do. I don't really eat the stuff I make, but I make it anyway. There's something about cooking in general that helps take my mind off of things and puts me in a better mood. Oh, I don't know what I'm going to do.
In other news, my mom's health has completely declined. She won't tell me what's wrong with her, but I've done some snooping and eavesdropping and I still can't really figure it out. But, my grandmother is talking to my dad right now about her being baptised and how that should be the way to go and stuff. I don't know. It's strange...But my dad just hung up on her. I know that my mom's been going to the doctor a lot. Every day this week she's been at the doctor. I hate being left in the dark. If something's wrong with my momma, I want to know about it. I guess the whole 'not-knowing' part is stressing me out and getting to me.
I'm going to bake a bunch of sweets soon. Ever heard of Baking Therapy? Well, that's what I do. I don't really eat the stuff I make, but I make it anyway. There's something about cooking in general that helps take my mind off of things and puts me in a better mood. Oh, I don't know what I'm going to do.