(no subject)
So I've been on an FF kick lately, in that I got FF8 for my PSP and Dani bought me FF13 for Christmas which means my gift finally got here last month, hooray! (No worries, she also bought me Pon Farr perfume so I can smell like a Vulcan in heat whenever I want to, yay!) But most importantly, I traded in Dissidia. Anyone who tells you that Dissidia is fun is lying. Let me show you with science why they are lying.
What Dissidia was advertised to be: Soul Calibur with FF characters. Every commercial ever just showcased the graphics porn with hacky slashy fun.
What Dissidia was in reality: DUR HUR PRESS THIS HERE BUTTON TO NOT PUNCH THE GUY IN THE FACE AND PRESS THIS HERE BUTTON TO DIE HORRIBLY.
You have two battle options in Dissidia: regular attack and 'spirit' attack, which is like a regular attack except even less likely to land a hit on the other guy. There are some other buttons too, such as block, which is a clever way of tricking you into pressing a button designed specifically so the other guy can spam you with unblockable attacks (handy tip: ALL attacks are unblockable, I don't care what the manual tells you).
Exhibit A: I played through Cecil's story for a bit. His controls are even more hilarious than usual because his regular attack occurs on the ground where he is a big black suit of armor who is too damn slow to land a hit on his own left foot. His 'spirit' attack or whatever turns him into a paladin who flits through the air like Tinkerbell's long lost snow fairy cousin. He is too busy faffing about and sprinkling glitter everywhere to land an attack on his own right foot. In short, he either handles like a cow in a grocery cart or a hummingbird on speed. Either way, small squirrels are destroying you in battle.
Exhibit B: This has less to do with the gameplay and more to do with the plot, thin though it may be. A bunch of the hero characters are wandering about trying to accomplish whatever the hell it is they were told to do, hell if I was paying attention. I think this particular grouping was Firion, Tidus, Squall, and some fourth guy I can't remember, so we will call him Steve. Firion, Tidus, and Steve are SHOCKED AND BEWILDERED to discover that Squall is a whiny emo bitch who doesn't play well with others.
Now see, if I want to remember Squall as a whiny emo bitch? I will replay FF8. In fact, I am doing that right now. But the thing is, if you actually finish FF8? He gets better, mostly through a romance story they hammer in at the last minute. Still, the Power of Lurve makes him slightly less whiny than usual, and the last thing we see of Squall in that game is him smiling at Rinoa. Squall and Cloud both always seem to get a case of Convenience Amnesia in every spinoff game they appear in. It's a little more understandable with Cloud seeing as his life is one instance of Suck, Fail, and Die after another. But Squall is just a whiny teenager with very little reasoning behind it besides OH NOES I LOST MY SISTER OH WAIT THERE SHE IS NEVER MIND. If we could tone down his emo factor in subsequent games, I'd be much obliged.
Exhibit C: Exhibits A and B were pissing me off sufficiently that I was harboring thoughts of trading the game back in, or perhaps simply crushing it beneath the tires of my car. So I thought to myself, I have all these points racked up from ineffectively slashing at things. I could unlock Sephiroth with those points. And after I unlock Sephiroth, I could do the thing I have wanted to do ever since I got my shiny new Playstation 2 back in yesteryear: I could beat the everloving shit out of Tidus. So I unlocked Sephiroth. And I loaded up a battle with Tidus.
Tidus wiped the floor with Sephiroth. Sephiroth did not land one single hit on Tidus.
World, this is wrong. This is approximately six hundred kinds of wrong. I am not a rampant Sephiroth fangirl - mostly I just like his hair and enjoy his theme song. I do not think he is the biggest badass to ever hit the FF scene. But the thing is, this is a guy who tried to wipe out a whole planet. If an idiot jock can wipe the floor with him? That is Wrong with a capital WRONG.
So in short, I traded in Dissidia. And a few other things. And now I have a PS3 and Final Fantasy 13, which has not one but TWO characters with pink hair which makes me very happy. I'm only ten minutes in because my brain insists on finishing FF8 first, but at least I have it. And it will be better than Dissidia. Even if the game stops halfway through the plot, turns around, moons me, gives me the finger, and makes unkind remarks about my mother? It will still be better than Dissidia.
DISSIDIAAAAAAAAA! *shakes fists*
What Dissidia was advertised to be: Soul Calibur with FF characters. Every commercial ever just showcased the graphics porn with hacky slashy fun.
What Dissidia was in reality: DUR HUR PRESS THIS HERE BUTTON TO NOT PUNCH THE GUY IN THE FACE AND PRESS THIS HERE BUTTON TO DIE HORRIBLY.
You have two battle options in Dissidia: regular attack and 'spirit' attack, which is like a regular attack except even less likely to land a hit on the other guy. There are some other buttons too, such as block, which is a clever way of tricking you into pressing a button designed specifically so the other guy can spam you with unblockable attacks (handy tip: ALL attacks are unblockable, I don't care what the manual tells you).
Exhibit A: I played through Cecil's story for a bit. His controls are even more hilarious than usual because his regular attack occurs on the ground where he is a big black suit of armor who is too damn slow to land a hit on his own left foot. His 'spirit' attack or whatever turns him into a paladin who flits through the air like Tinkerbell's long lost snow fairy cousin. He is too busy faffing about and sprinkling glitter everywhere to land an attack on his own right foot. In short, he either handles like a cow in a grocery cart or a hummingbird on speed. Either way, small squirrels are destroying you in battle.
Exhibit B: This has less to do with the gameplay and more to do with the plot, thin though it may be. A bunch of the hero characters are wandering about trying to accomplish whatever the hell it is they were told to do, hell if I was paying attention. I think this particular grouping was Firion, Tidus, Squall, and some fourth guy I can't remember, so we will call him Steve. Firion, Tidus, and Steve are SHOCKED AND BEWILDERED to discover that Squall is a whiny emo bitch who doesn't play well with others.
Now see, if I want to remember Squall as a whiny emo bitch? I will replay FF8. In fact, I am doing that right now. But the thing is, if you actually finish FF8? He gets better, mostly through a romance story they hammer in at the last minute. Still, the Power of Lurve makes him slightly less whiny than usual, and the last thing we see of Squall in that game is him smiling at Rinoa. Squall and Cloud both always seem to get a case of Convenience Amnesia in every spinoff game they appear in. It's a little more understandable with Cloud seeing as his life is one instance of Suck, Fail, and Die after another. But Squall is just a whiny teenager with very little reasoning behind it besides OH NOES I LOST MY SISTER OH WAIT THERE SHE IS NEVER MIND. If we could tone down his emo factor in subsequent games, I'd be much obliged.
Exhibit C: Exhibits A and B were pissing me off sufficiently that I was harboring thoughts of trading the game back in, or perhaps simply crushing it beneath the tires of my car. So I thought to myself, I have all these points racked up from ineffectively slashing at things. I could unlock Sephiroth with those points. And after I unlock Sephiroth, I could do the thing I have wanted to do ever since I got my shiny new Playstation 2 back in yesteryear: I could beat the everloving shit out of Tidus. So I unlocked Sephiroth. And I loaded up a battle with Tidus.
Tidus wiped the floor with Sephiroth. Sephiroth did not land one single hit on Tidus.
World, this is wrong. This is approximately six hundred kinds of wrong. I am not a rampant Sephiroth fangirl - mostly I just like his hair and enjoy his theme song. I do not think he is the biggest badass to ever hit the FF scene. But the thing is, this is a guy who tried to wipe out a whole planet. If an idiot jock can wipe the floor with him? That is Wrong with a capital WRONG.
So in short, I traded in Dissidia. And a few other things. And now I have a PS3 and Final Fantasy 13, which has not one but TWO characters with pink hair which makes me very happy. I'm only ten minutes in because my brain insists on finishing FF8 first, but at least I have it. And it will be better than Dissidia. Even if the game stops halfway through the plot, turns around, moons me, gives me the finger, and makes unkind remarks about my mother? It will still be better than Dissidia.
DISSIDIAAAAAAAAA! *shakes fists*