(no subject)
I dunno why but lately i've been thinking about Hugo's death. I dunno if its just hitting me now or what, but I am plagued with guilt for not letting him see Emily those last months of his life. Granted, the last time he was suppose to see her her, he sold out without calling and Emily was really let down. He didn't call for a while and ignored my calls when I tried to reach him.
When I finally spoke to him in February, he said he was embarrassed because he didn't have the money to give me (he was suppose to help me out with an after school payment as we discussed in our previous conversation) and how he couldn't do that or even afford to take her anywhere.. and that is why he was avoiding our calls.
I could tell he was not doing good mentally (and obviously in his life) and I gave him a lecture about how the reason he came back was to be here for Emily and how he needed to get his shit together etc.. and that I wouldn't let him see her until I saw his life was changing for the better, for her.
I was doing it just doing it to protect Emily, so that he didn't keep breaking her heart over and over again as he had been...
But I can't stopping thinking "what if I had not been so hard on him (about child support payments and living up to his responsibility)..and let him see her, even if it was just a trip to the park?...would he still be alive?" I think about how he would get depressed and say things like "I'm worth more to Emily dead than alive" and wonder if his death was intentional. I think about what its going to be like for Emily growing up without her dad, with only the ghost of his memory. I wonder if Shaun is going to be able to fill his shoes in the "father figure" role and if its wrong to do that or how I'm going to go about having him be that figure while still preserving his memory. I just want to do everything in her best interest.
So many thoughts that I don't know how to handle.
I didn't write about this, but on father's day I had emily make him a card on a balloon and we "sent it to heaven for daddy".
I think the whole experience really helped her cope with his loss. She's been talking much more opening about it, whereas at first she would just say "why is everyone asking me about my daddy? i dont want to talk about it!". She drew a picture in her journal and wrote "i miss my daddy" and has been asking me questions about him and talking much more openly.. i think its a good thing.
When I finally spoke to him in February, he said he was embarrassed because he didn't have the money to give me (he was suppose to help me out with an after school payment as we discussed in our previous conversation) and how he couldn't do that or even afford to take her anywhere.. and that is why he was avoiding our calls.
I could tell he was not doing good mentally (and obviously in his life) and I gave him a lecture about how the reason he came back was to be here for Emily and how he needed to get his shit together etc.. and that I wouldn't let him see her until I saw his life was changing for the better, for her.
I was doing it just doing it to protect Emily, so that he didn't keep breaking her heart over and over again as he had been...
But I can't stopping thinking "what if I had not been so hard on him (about child support payments and living up to his responsibility)..and let him see her, even if it was just a trip to the park?...would he still be alive?" I think about how he would get depressed and say things like "I'm worth more to Emily dead than alive" and wonder if his death was intentional. I think about what its going to be like for Emily growing up without her dad, with only the ghost of his memory. I wonder if Shaun is going to be able to fill his shoes in the "father figure" role and if its wrong to do that or how I'm going to go about having him be that figure while still preserving his memory. I just want to do everything in her best interest.
So many thoughts that I don't know how to handle.
I didn't write about this, but on father's day I had emily make him a card on a balloon and we "sent it to heaven for daddy".
I think the whole experience really helped her cope with his loss. She's been talking much more opening about it, whereas at first she would just say "why is everyone asking me about my daddy? i dont want to talk about it!". She drew a picture in her journal and wrote "i miss my daddy" and has been asking me questions about him and talking much more openly.. i think its a good thing.