(no subject)
I've worked at Teleflora for roughly 6 weeks, now. I've been trying to keep to myself as much as possible, but it's very difficult, because everyone is just friendly, and attempting to resist building friendships with people is futile! The other day, I was thrown into a situation that simply did NOT make me happy, but because deep down inside I'm a GOOD LEADER, I had no option but to just walk right out of Comfort Zone with no time to prepare. I would like to have been watching as I was handed a training headset and introduced to Jane. If I remember correctly, the look on my face said, "I've only been here 6 weeks! Why are you suddenly making me a trainer?" But there was Jane, big smile on her face, excited about her new job. Didn't she deserve to enjoy the rush? So, I acted as if. Interesting, what I discovered: even though I was thrown into the uncomfortable situation, the "acting as if" somehow stirred some *real* emotion. Like I was enjoying something, again. I could feel a warm, little tingle where the iceberg was being chipped away. It's ironic, because I was just talking about how I've conveniently figured out a way to leave training right before small groups every Saturday for several weeks, now. In a group setting, I can be low-key. I can sneak in just as training starts, sit in the back row, and quietly slip out just as training ends. That wouldn't work in a small group. Almost every time I'm in a small group, the trainer leading the group somehow highlights my skill and knowledge of the business, and I'm tossed in against my will and do what any good PFS soldier would do. I'm so not ready to be noticed by anyone, yet. Still not ready to let them see what's behind my eyes. It's fascinating to me how I could be this scared! Last night, in fact, I had a discussion about how strange I feel about the business, right now. I feel the way I remember it feeling to be brand new in the business, and all the questions and doubts. The difference is that now I know the business works, so the only thing left to question and doubt is myself! It's like I don't know who I am, anymore! I never really understood what people meant by that when they broke up with each other for that reason. I see and hear myself do and say things that send up immediate alarm flags in my brain. It's like someone is in there going, "Hey! That's not like you! You don't ever doubt yourself!" So, it feels like another little person inside trying to get a say in things. Is that what developing multiple personalities feels like? I guess we'll find out. But, I gotta tell ya', I secretly enjoyed acting like a real person for a little while. Still just want to visit, not live there, but it's a baby step in the right direction!