Well...
I did the thing I hadn't planned on doing. I reached out and not surprising I didn't get a reply. "Hope you've been doing okay. I miss you." Maybe if I send him a picture of Emma he'd respond? Cleavage pic didn't get any response last week but Emma did. Who knows.
I think I'm having morning ET on Wednesday in the building he's in. I'm actually really stressed out about it. Especially if something takes a bad turn between now and then. I haven't seen him yet since before we had split. It's been like a month. Ugh.
What is even happening?
I'm over emotions. I don't want to have them anymore. Life was just so much easier when I repressed things rather than wanting to talk about them and now that I actually want to talk about them I don't really have anyone to talk to them about.
I'd love to be able to connect with Kevin and be able to be open and share, that vulnerability that he we briefly spoke about. But I don't want to open up if he doesn't want to and likely he won't want to and this will all be over soon.
Should it come to that, I had better not hear from him unless for some freakish reason he figures it all out and decides to legitimately try, which I'd assume he wouldn't and if he does it won't be with me.
Worst case scenario thinking all the time, forever and ever since ever. But life has proven to me that that's all there is is the worst case scenario with these kinds of things. It's still beyond disappointing and stupid me always secretly hopes for better. Better never comes. Better has never come.
Sure I'll do well with jobs, but when it comes to my personal life... no. Life has left me with only things to be desired.
I feel guilty to want what I want, love, compassion, care, stupid little things like cuddling, handholding, going on dates. I missed out on all of these things in my teenage years, my mid 20s to early 30s got robbed from me because I honestly feared men so much I could hardly function. The best years. But even then, the in-between times had none of that. I never had boyfriends who were big into cuddling, didn't want to hold my hand, didn't like going on dates, didn't really ever care. Didn't want to talk to me about anything involving anything. Didn't want to know me, definitely didn't have any compassion. Those were the days I still held in how I felt because I felt over-bearing.
I've never wanted to be the dramatic person. And when I did bring up things I was told I was being drama. Watching dramatic women in general really confuses me because men seem to flock to them and yet when I express stuff... I'm being drama. I don't get it.
I just don't know what to do differently. To be better. To be ideal?
Loathing this weekend. Loathing next week.
Loathing myself.