Monday
I figured I wasn't going to hear from Kevin at all over the weekend and as I suspected, I didn't. Hadn't heard from him today, no idea when he leaves for his trip or if he's even committed to going? I have no idea. I would wish for him to have the time off and to get to do what he wants rather than travel. But of course I would also wish for him to take the time while he has the time off to really do some inner-reflections and contemplate whatever it is that he wants from me or with me or I don't even know. At this point, people ask me how it's going with him that know about the relationship and I honestly have no idea what to even say. My default response is, I have no idea, he's being emotionally unavailable.
I really don't know what to do, how to really feel and I feel guilty to some extent for having negative feelings. Being patient is something I feel incredibly well-versed in but I don't know how long I will need to be patient for or even if me being patient will be worth my while or if my time, energy, emotions, etc. are being wasted and abused.
I want to be able to connect and have a connection but the less and less there is the less and less I feel and the more and more I feel animosity. I have a lot of care to give and no outlet for it to the person I would like to give it to and there's absolutely zero coming back toward me outside of him answering the phone and humoring me with little conversation, 'text me' and me doing so and getting no reply.
I do not understand what I have done in this life to really be in this position or why I cannot be loved. Trying to connect gets me nowhere. Not trying to connect gets me nowhere. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm feeling rather useless.
I didn't even want a relationship and yet here I am in one and it's thankfully not emotionally abusive like all the rest of them but it's definitely not healthy. It started out like I would have always wanted a relationship to be. Someone eager to get to know me, talking about a future (even if a little too ambitious). There was a connection, comfort, trust, all of the things and then we meet and it goes out the window. A wall goes up after my own came down and it really just has absolutely not improved. Am I just that horrible?
I get that I'm definitely far from ideal. Abuses have left me exhausted and uncaring for my own self. Though I can't ever think of a time I've ever cared for myself. Never learned how. Can't be loved by someone if you don't love yourself, as they say so I guess that means I'm fucked. I just want something equal. But it's still just perpetually one-sided. I just don't understand.
Maybe things will improve? I don't know. For now, I just exist.
I miss him.
Three day weekend ahead in the coming week and I guess I'll make plans for doing house stuff and end up not doing it as always. I do want to plan to move and that means culling things from my possession. I'll see what I can post on Etsy since I do have a lot of vintage/antique items and what I can sell via Facebook/Craigslist or Ebay. While I do love the idea of a yard sale it does give me anxiety to some extent.
Next weekend will also be Emma's adoption anniversary. 10 years ago. She's been such an awesome kitty and friend. As always I'll be donating an adoption fee to the shelter. I wish I could just adopt all the kitties but I know that's just not possible. I wish I could donate more, too. Maybe someday.
This week at Delight for PM roaming... just today and tomorrow but it's rather ridiculous since Delight has no roamer laptop? So I just sat in a conference room on my phone. The person who sits here seems nice but doesn't do much of anything at all. Had to print BOLO's and they were missing so many. I think I printed at least 10 or so documents that were missing and there's so many which need to be removed that are expired. Not my problem I guess. The rest of the week I'm at Mayday which will also be a bit bleak. But, I'm being useful and this is really the only venue that I'm feeling useful right now.
Xdell and Wavechaser have received multiple complaints at this point to where people don't want to do stuff if they might show up. The two of them are entirely fine if they're sober but they're not. I can't even fathom all the issues the two of them have other than they're just non-stop talking, loud, rude, a bit aggressive. Honestly hardly anyone can say anything because the two of them won't shut up. Usually Xdell is the primary issue. Draxxer said he'd talk to them since there's no chance I'll catch either of them sober. We'll see how that goes.
Fun Night could have been fun but it was drowned out by the two of them. Plus we have zero variety for Dueler's guild. All melee though I did allow healers this time because our melee needs practice. Either way, Only a few times did our healers die versus the timer. 5 minute timer. Definitely having a MS makes a huge difference. Trying to escape a warrior is really rough. Paladins, much more manageable.
RBGs went well enough. We had Raxxis this time so we actually had damage. I could see a little bit of issues with Haiya, especially when it came to me reminding the paladins to -not- use Blinding Light when we had an afflock. He didn't seem to appreciate being told to not use a talent or understand that wiping DoTs really didn't do anyone favors over his inconvenience. We'll see what the turn out is for Thursday night, though I don't think Bron put it on the calendar yet?
Murr is an officer now though I think like Draxxer she will have very little to do. Though she may lead RBGs some nights if no one else is able.
I need to buy some more RAM for my computer, I keep forgetting about it since I'm not at home to even really ever use my PC, definitely need to though.
I just want things to be better. To be stable. Right now, they're entirely not and I hate that. I'm ready for changes and new things but the transition into these things seemed to initially be going well and now here I am. Financially it's going well. Emotionally it isn't. Physically it's kind of improving? Attempting to still eat better, been doing better with it. I also started taking Leptin CLA to see if that will help me get over the stagnant hump. I think it's helping but I'm only on like day 4. I still definitely need to cut out salt. Or eat substantially less of it. It's been hard to say how that will change since this week was period week and I was holding water like no one's business. Drinking water seems like such a chore when I'm at home. But I do need to up my amount. No doubt I'm dehydrated.
Definitely grateful to be in a further away building that doesn't require me to take any transportation. Delight is still close enough to walk to but far enough that it takes me a while. I wish I could walk back but I also want to get home at a decent time.
I hope things start to improve soon.