'party cousin'
For a long time i have been sick of the expectation that weekends were nothing else but drinking days. As terrible as i feel that a few people have lost trust in me that i truly care about, i think i needed this to happen. one of the reasons i have been so unhappy lately is because i dont like what i have been doing with my life at all. i feel like i dont have stable friendships and one of the reasons is, the prospect of drinking has over powered the importance of friendship in many of my friends eyes. if i have been corrupted as well then i truely and sorry and cant help but express deep guilt and remorse. as much as would like to say that things are just going to get better, i know thats not true. gaining trust and dropping the label is going to take so much work. looking towards the future there is nothing i want more than to be happy, and right now im not. my biggest fears for a long time have been that i am not only going to end up alone, but unhappy and unfufilled. i guess all i can do now is strive to better myself and hope that good things come from it. i can honestly say now that drinking is not something i want to be involved with, my most regretful moments have surfaced after drinking. why i still drank after i realized how it was hurting me and making me unhappy, i dont know. i think it was to feel like i was involved with my peer group, when in reality, i dont want to be involved with my peer group. all i have learned from high school is that trust can not be generated between friends in high school, for the most part. i have very few friends who have refrained from fucking me over at one point or another. another point is i know that i have been spiraling down in some of the choices i have made and it makes me wonder when i became so weak to everything. what i have come to realize is that i dont like to think or feel, i would so much rather be numb, and thats where my decisions come from. anything that numbs my thoughts and emotions is what i want. but its time to face what is in front of me and deal with my problems, emotions, and thoughts head on. i cant keep hiding and running away anymore, it hasnt solved a problem yet. and ill appoligize in advance for anyone i hurt or offend in the process, but im ready to grow up now and put high school and its petty bullshit behind me. all i can ask from people who are reading this thinking that im over reacting or formulating an opinion about me, dont think you know me because i promise i dont. letting my guard down and opening up is something i havent done yet, theres so much that i have yet to tell anyone, and probably never will. so this entry is the last one from the 'party cousin' and the first one from someone i am striving to become.