i need a gojyo
ok i know that's weird. but i had a bit of an epiphany yesterday.
i'm too much like sanzo.
jaded, closed off, unwilling to open up to people in general. *and yeah i see the irony there since i whine and moan about virtually everything here in my journal* i just don't let anyone see the deeper part that is the real cause of my pain. i don't mean this part to sound mean but it's hard for me to trust anyone *again sanzo* there is only one person i can honestly say "i love you" to and that's nick. the rest is just for lip service. *maybe the reason i can write sanzo angst* i sure can't say it to any family members cause i just don't mean it. never had a reason too. and it's just too hard to say that to friends. *so so sorry* but that doesn't mean i don't care deeply cause i do. it's just not the same. i hurt along with those i consider friends when they are going through rough times. and that is my other problem i feel others pain too much. it's like a physical thing. empathy if you will. but for the day to day stuff that i come into contact with in my limited outside world i just don't care. here's the really sad part...when i heard about a relatives death i was a bit shocked but not upset. i literally sat back and went "oh well" even when my half brother died from aids complications a few years back i was calm as could be until i got around others who were crying then i just couldn't help it. but as soon as i got away from them i was back to being blank. it's weird.
but to the point of this. i think i need someone in my life that would be like gojyo to sanzo. and i can't even explain it fully, but it's like i need that counterpart. some one who will rise to the challenge but not overwhelm. i'm strong and weak willed at the same time. *irony again*
i think the whole basis for my emotional distance is that i never had that deep bond with anyone. not my grandparents who raised me and certainly not my parents who abandoned me when i was a baby. the family was always standoffish.
and i was so painfully shy and backwards i didn't really make too many friends in school. there was always a problem with isolation and never feeling part of the bigger picture. my family back east are highly religious * or so they like to appear* and even from the age of 2 i never felt i fit in there. it's like i was a born skeptic or anti any kind of organization. i just never fit in. imagine being that age and knowing you were different that you felt different then the rest of the family. i always felt i had to suppress my self. and now that i don't have to i don't really know what to do. i just feel lost. *a tiny fish in a giant ocean* so having lost the one person who was literally my gojyo i have this huge dead spot. *i'm just now realizing that she was my gojyo makes it hurt all that much more*
i am so deeply grateful to all the wonderful friends i've made here. i've never felt more cared for in my whole life. and if i ever get to meet any of you beautiful people please understand one thing...i may be able to give massive virtual hugs but in real life i'm very uncomfortable being touched and even have problems with nick sometimes. so i'm not snubbing you i just can't do it.
sorry for going off on one of my sad little tirades again. this is much better than sitting in some shrinks office. i've always been able to open more in words then in speech.
i'm too much like sanzo.
jaded, closed off, unwilling to open up to people in general. *and yeah i see the irony there since i whine and moan about virtually everything here in my journal* i just don't let anyone see the deeper part that is the real cause of my pain. i don't mean this part to sound mean but it's hard for me to trust anyone *again sanzo* there is only one person i can honestly say "i love you" to and that's nick. the rest is just for lip service. *maybe the reason i can write sanzo angst* i sure can't say it to any family members cause i just don't mean it. never had a reason too. and it's just too hard to say that to friends. *so so sorry* but that doesn't mean i don't care deeply cause i do. it's just not the same. i hurt along with those i consider friends when they are going through rough times. and that is my other problem i feel others pain too much. it's like a physical thing. empathy if you will. but for the day to day stuff that i come into contact with in my limited outside world i just don't care. here's the really sad part...when i heard about a relatives death i was a bit shocked but not upset. i literally sat back and went "oh well" even when my half brother died from aids complications a few years back i was calm as could be until i got around others who were crying then i just couldn't help it. but as soon as i got away from them i was back to being blank. it's weird.
but to the point of this. i think i need someone in my life that would be like gojyo to sanzo. and i can't even explain it fully, but it's like i need that counterpart. some one who will rise to the challenge but not overwhelm. i'm strong and weak willed at the same time. *irony again*
i think the whole basis for my emotional distance is that i never had that deep bond with anyone. not my grandparents who raised me and certainly not my parents who abandoned me when i was a baby. the family was always standoffish.
and i was so painfully shy and backwards i didn't really make too many friends in school. there was always a problem with isolation and never feeling part of the bigger picture. my family back east are highly religious * or so they like to appear* and even from the age of 2 i never felt i fit in there. it's like i was a born skeptic or anti any kind of organization. i just never fit in. imagine being that age and knowing you were different that you felt different then the rest of the family. i always felt i had to suppress my self. and now that i don't have to i don't really know what to do. i just feel lost. *a tiny fish in a giant ocean* so having lost the one person who was literally my gojyo i have this huge dead spot. *i'm just now realizing that she was my gojyo makes it hurt all that much more*
i am so deeply grateful to all the wonderful friends i've made here. i've never felt more cared for in my whole life. and if i ever get to meet any of you beautiful people please understand one thing...i may be able to give massive virtual hugs but in real life i'm very uncomfortable being touched and even have problems with nick sometimes. so i'm not snubbing you i just can't do it.
sorry for going off on one of my sad little tirades again. this is much better than sitting in some shrinks office. i've always been able to open more in words then in speech.