Rough Day
It is noon and it has already been a rough day. I managed to betray a trust and a dear friend lost his mother last night. This has been a morning fraught with tension. I am trying to decide how I am feeling. I have a sense of loss because I am not sure what will happen to the fledgling relationship I am in and my heart hurts for my friend. His loss puts my possible loss into better perspective. If this relationship does not work, it will not be the end of the world. It will hurt, but I have to think logically. How can you lose something you never had? How long can I be saddened at the loss of possibility? Grief should be because of the loss of something real and tangible. No matter the connection I thought we had, it was only a moment in time. Am I fooling myself? Perhaps... but I think I will accept whatever consolation I can find right now. I won't chase him. I will let him decide if he can overcome this or not. The scary part is I can feel myself closing down. Battening down the hatches, so to speak. I am good at distance. I am great at being cool. This new found "passion" is foreign to me. I actually have to work (from the first time we met) at not fighting against it. Now, I want to protect myself and attempt to shake loose from this. I am afraid that it is easier for me to do than I would have wanted. What does that say about me? Is it a protection mechanism or just who I am...
He wrote something to me recently... "....i am a leaf upon the wind of Your character soaring ever higher and gaining strength from knowing You, trusting You, loving and being loved by You. i may not be a Dragon and my armour may have a few dents but i will stand by You and beside You..." I have minimized something in my mind to make it palatable to myself. Even though I did not intentionally deceive him, I did because of my own personal deception. I have always told him that I can only be as honest with him as I am with myself. This has me questioning my character. I have hurt him. Perhaps I am not ready for a slave.
My friend and I are meeting later on to talk. I am trying to think of how to be there for him. I won't over-think that. I will just show up and let him know I am there if he needs me.
He wrote something to me recently... "....i am a leaf upon the wind of Your character soaring ever higher and gaining strength from knowing You, trusting You, loving and being loved by You. i may not be a Dragon and my armour may have a few dents but i will stand by You and beside You..." I have minimized something in my mind to make it palatable to myself. Even though I did not intentionally deceive him, I did because of my own personal deception. I have always told him that I can only be as honest with him as I am with myself. This has me questioning my character. I have hurt him. Perhaps I am not ready for a slave.
My friend and I are meeting later on to talk. I am trying to think of how to be there for him. I won't over-think that. I will just show up and let him know I am there if he needs me.