I WILL BREATHE FIRE
Where do I start? I have been gone from Texas for 7 days now. It has been only one week. Kendre said it best; we have lived a lifetime in this one week. I have cried and laughed more in this week than I have... ever? I have found that my heart still beats and that I have a lot of work to do on myself. Baltimore/Washington is beautiful. Driving over 1400 miles with Mistress Max Rulz was an experience that is priceless. She thanked me for bringing her home, but she has shown me the path to where I belong. I won't be afraid to be happy. I won't let fear root me into inaction. I deserve to be happy. I will claim my joy. Kendre thought I was depressed and that the trip would do me some good. I didn't believe that to be true, but as I sit on this plane flying back to my children and the life I have made for myself...I realize that I was. I have been depressed for so long that it had become the norm. It didn't feel bad; it was what I was used to. So many times I have compromised myself and my joy. There is a part of me that doesn't believe I deserve the better things in life. It isn't true. We all do. I am an extraordinary person on a unique and wonderful journey. There are paths that I would not allow myself to traverse because I took comfort in the familiar. I wasn't a Mistress; I was a slave. A slave to my fears, perceived inadequacies, and unhealed past pain. Beginning the process of ripping open those scabs hurts terribly, but I want to live. I want to breathe. I want to make mistakes and come out on the other side.
Is this selfish of me? I have children who need me. I always thought I should wait until they were adults before I did some of the things I desired. That probably sounds crazy coming from a Dominatrix who is out to almost everyone she cares about. I left a marriage and that security. It was terrifying, but it was the right thing to do. Where is life taking me now? What does the future hold? I don't know, but I will find out. I can't hide from mistakes and pain. I can't hide from my emotions. One must be vulnerable and open to change. I haven't been that in so long. What am I teaching my children by holding back? Will they learn to not face fear? I can't allow that to happen.
Max and I cried before I left. She is worried about me. I go to face my demons and dragons. No, that isn't correct. I go to slay my demons and become a dragon. I will breathe fire and fly. I will guard my treasures and not allow them to be thought of or used lightly. At this moment, I am above the clouds. I look down and the ground seems so far away. I want to get home and start making my changes and setting myself free.
Wow, I am speaking in the abstract aren't I? I am not sure how much to share in my journal. Suffice to say, I am finding my power once again.
Is this selfish of me? I have children who need me. I always thought I should wait until they were adults before I did some of the things I desired. That probably sounds crazy coming from a Dominatrix who is out to almost everyone she cares about. I left a marriage and that security. It was terrifying, but it was the right thing to do. Where is life taking me now? What does the future hold? I don't know, but I will find out. I can't hide from mistakes and pain. I can't hide from my emotions. One must be vulnerable and open to change. I haven't been that in so long. What am I teaching my children by holding back? Will they learn to not face fear? I can't allow that to happen.
Max and I cried before I left. She is worried about me. I go to face my demons and dragons. No, that isn't correct. I go to slay my demons and become a dragon. I will breathe fire and fly. I will guard my treasures and not allow them to be thought of or used lightly. At this moment, I am above the clouds. I look down and the ground seems so far away. I want to get home and start making my changes and setting myself free.
Wow, I am speaking in the abstract aren't I? I am not sure how much to share in my journal. Suffice to say, I am finding my power once again.