Week 8
Broncos (2-6) 16 @ 49ers (2-6) 24: Absolutely nobody recalled that the 49ers had Troy Smith on their roster until this week, when he was handed the rather simple job of being more competent than Alex Smith and David Carr. I’m pretty sure Mike Singletary’s main directive was that he not shit himself on the field or try to make out with the ball or throw more passes to the line judge than his own receivers. Troy Smith managed to surpass these low standards, going 12/19 for 196 yards and a touchdown and making him instantly the most successful 49ers quarterback of last ten years. Tim Tebow had a one-yard touchdown run, thereby justifying the millions of dollars spent on him, because Knowshon Moreno certainly isn’t capable of getting in the end zone. Did I enjoy this game? You bet your ass I did.
Jaguars (4-4) 35 @ Cowboys (1-6) 17: The Cowboys now have their worst start since 1989, hopefully leading to their worst season ever (fingers crossed!). I imagine all the Cowboys fans who apparently don’t remember their string of shitty quarterbacks in the 80s and how well they did during those years and think Romo sucks have now shut up. Romo’s a bit excitable and makes bad decisions, but he doesn’t suck. Jon Kitna threw four interceptions against Jacksonville. JON KITNA sucks. So does your defense, by the way. How do you sack a quarterback three times, get a fumble off of him and still let him put up 35 points on you. Jeeeeesus. Also, the Jaguars really need to change the font on their jerseys, because David Garrard’s name looks like it’s GRRRRRD.
Dolphins (4-3) 22 @ Bengals (2-5) 14: The Bengals kept it close in the first half, but just could not do fuck all in the second, leading to Carson Palmer throwing an interception on their last-ditch drive and a Dolphins victory. The fact that a victory this close came off the Bengals and was - for the second week in a row - more due to the reliability of their field goal kicker than the reliability of their quarterback should give the Dolphins some food for thought. Alright, alright, Henne actually did reasonably well in a pass-heavy offense, but it was against the Bengals defense, so I’d take it with a grain of salt, and the dude still seems allergic to the end zone.
Bills (0-7) 10 @ Chiefs (5-2) 13: I can’t even process this game as a whole yet, so I’ll just break it up into a timeline.
Prior to kickoff - Remember to be gracious to darth_kittius when we murder her team. Remember to be gracious to darth_kittius when we murder her team. Now let’s DO THIS THING.
After the scoreless first quarter - Alright, alright, nothing to worry about. The defense is getting it done. Three more quarters to play. Plenty of time.
Dwayne Bowe touchdown - Aha! It begins. Now nail these fuckers.
7-0 at the half - Okay, we’re still holding them. The offense will get going in the second half. Still two more quarters of football left to play. No need to panic.
Nine minute Bills drive - They can put together a drive. Why can’t we? Gaaaaah!
False start on the 20-yard line on second down - We’re in their HEADS. Muahahaha!
Fitzgerald throws two incomplete passes - Yes! That’s my fucking defense!
Lindell field goal - Fine, okay. It’s still 7-3, and they’re the Bills. We got this.
Succop field goal - Awesome. Nice drive, up 10-3, this is in the bag.
Long Bills drive with two challenges upheld - You’ve got to be kidding me.
Fourth and goal on the five yard line, pass to Steve Johnson, who falls into the end zone to tie it up with 2:18 left - FUUUUUUUUCK!!!!
Chiefs get the ball back - Okay, okay. Plenty of time for a drive. Let’s end this.
Chiefs punt - GAAAAAAH!!! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?!
Bills are driving - Chewing on furniture.
Fitzgerald throws an interception to Eric Berry with :32 left - WOOOOOO! AHAHAHAHA!
Game goes to overtime - Please don’t fuck this up. Please don’t fuck this up.
Succop’s field goal attempt hooks left - Throws self on floor. Twitches.
Bills drive - Twitching. No. No. We’re not going to lose to the Bills at home. I refuse to live in a reality in which we can lose to the Bills at home.
Lindell kicks through a 53-yarder - Curls into ball. Hates self. Hates Chiefs.
Field goal called back because Haley called a timeout - Lifts head. Glimmer of hope.
Lindell shanks second attempt - WOOOHOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Chiefs punt - Back on floor, twitching.
Bills punt - No longer enough energy for twitching. Just incomprehensible gibbering.
Chiefs line up for field goal attempt - He’s going to miss it. Stop toying with me, we all know you’re going to miss it and tie the BILLS at HOME.
Succop makes it - Sags with relief. Downs liter of grain alcohol. Crawls into bed and shivers under the covers.
The agony and the ecstasy, ladies and gentlemen.
Redskins (4-4) 25 @ Lions (2-5) 37: After I woke up from my stress-induced coma, this was a pleasant diversion. So many awesome things happened in this game that I barely even know where to start. The game was 14-13 Lions going into the fourth quarter, the Redskins kicked a field goal approximately every other minute and the Lions scored a TD to put the score at 25-20 with the Redskins in the lead and with the ball. Then McNabb threw a pick to set up another Lions TD making it 27-20. The Redskins got the ball back and Shanahan benched McNabb in favor of that legendary game-saver, Rex Grossman. Who immediately fumbled the ball to Ndamukong Suh, who returned it for a touchdown. There have been a lot of legendary Rex Grossman plays, but due to the drama of the moment, this one totally took the cake.
I will always fondly remember the complete shitstorm that erupted in the local media following this game. Washington sports radio was never more entertaining to listen to, not even during the Haynesworth standoff. Redskins fans and media finally had to admit that McNabb is not the savior of the team, that he’s just as old and unreliable as everyone has telling them he is since July. (He played the worst game of his life since his rookie season.) The myth of the vaunted Redskins defense was destroyed once and for all, because they gave up 37 points to the Lions. But worst (well, best) of all, their faith in Shanahan was shaken because no matter how badly McNabb is playing, he’s still worlds better than Rex Grossman on his best day, and what the fuck dipshit coach picks up and old, injury-prone QB and backs him up with Rex Grossman? If anything, the Redskins fans should be thanking their lucky stars that McNabb hasn’t pulled a hamstring, because they would be fucked up, down and sideways with Sex Cannon at the helm. And hopefully one of these weeks, they will be.
Panthers (1-6) 10 @ Rams (4-4) 20: This was an important win for the Rams - wearing their Heaven Can Wait LA throwbacks, yay! - because after getting blown out by the Lions, squeaking out a win against the Chargers and losing narrowly against the Bucs, they needed a solid victory against a shitty team to work out the kinks and try to (blech, I was about to write “find their identity” like I’m a fucking TV announcer) figure out what works for them and what doesn’t.
I may have mentioned before that I picked the Rams in our longitudinal pool to have the fewest number of wins over the next three seasons, but I have never done such a 180 on a team than I have on this one. Coming into the season I figured Sam Bradford would go all Brady Quinn, the defense would fall apart and the offseason pickups (Mark Clayton? That old, washed up fuck?) would prove to be costly mistakes. I am an idiot. Yeah, I know it’s the fucking Panthers (and they played horribly per usual), but I think the close games over the past two weeks have been very educational for the Rams and I can see them finishing 6-10 this year and then coming on like demons next year. Although considering I bet on them sucking for the near future I wouldn’t be too torn up if I ended up being wrong.
Packers (5-3) 9 @ Jets (5-2) 0: It’s rare to see a good team get shut out, but apparently the New Meadowlands has a Heinz Field Whirlwind situation going on. Despite the score, this was a great game to watch, because the wind literally ruled the game, sending passes sailing five yards wide of any viable receiver and field goals all over the goddamn place. Even guys running down the field on punts were getting blown around like flimsy little leaves, and those motherfuckers weigh in at 220lbs. In the end, Green Bay won because the Jets kept trying to pass even when it became obvious that it was a lost cause, and were able to get the ball close enough to the end zone to kick three viable field goals. There have been a lot of awesome weather-related games throughout the years, but I think this will be an underrated gem. Watch Rex Ryan trying to keep his headset from blowing away and slowly losing his mind, and you’ll understand.
Titans (5-3) 25 @ Chargers (3-5) 33: I completely expected the Titans to win this game. They were on a three-game winning streak and the Chargers were coming off back-to-back losses (one of them to the Rams). Chris Johnson and Javon Ringer have been monsters, and Vince Young has been about as reliable as he’s ever going to get, whereas the Chargers seem to be getting it done on paper and shitting themselves in actual games because they’re a ridiculously talented team coached by Norv Turner, who has made a career of taking teams who excel on paper and making sure they never excel on the field.
Basically, the Titans lost this game because Kenny Britt went out in the first quarter with a hamstring injury and Vince Young went out midway through the fourth quarter, leaving Kerry Collins in charge. Usually I would then explain how the loss was Kerry Collins’ fault, but in this case dude came out hot, leading a rallying last drive that ended with Chris Johnson dropping a TD pass that literally landed right in his hands on fourth and two with 30 seconds left. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he fell victim to cascading misfortune.
Vikings (2-5) 18 @ Patriots (5-3) 28: I would give credit to the Pats for wearing their traditional throwback uniforms for this game if they weren’t playing a two-win Vikings team. Maybe prior to the season this looked like a rocking match-up, but do teams sign contracts in blood about the games in which they’ll wear throwbacks? Couldn’t they save this for the Colts or the Jets? Oh, right. This is a game they’re certain to win. That’s Belichick for you. Because the NFL expects me to think this is an exciting showdown between elite quarterbacks and all other vomitorious nonsense, I’ll just write that the only entertaining play of this game (Favre and Brady only threw one interception each, blah) was Favre getting fucking FLATTENED by a lineman while doing his usual schtick of “scrambling” around the backfield instead of throwing the ball away when the Vikings had first and goal at the 3 yard line. Tarvaris Jackson comes in. One play later he nails a TD pass. The next play he nails a two-point conversion, proving that even being young and spastic and prone to horrible decisions when under pressure, Tarvaris Jackson is still a better quarterback than Brett Favre at the moment. Does this mean Brad Childress will replace Favre as starting quarterback? Nope. Does this mean he’ll eventually get fired for this? Yep.
Buccaneers (5-2) 38 @ Cardinals (3-4) 35: Much as I’m kind of rooting for the underdog Rams this season I’m also kind of rooting for the underdog Bucs, even though it’s against my pool interests in both cases. I’d probably root for these teams less if I had a chance in hell of winning the pool (I don’t) or if their performances had any bearing on my Chiefs (they don’t). But while my aw-aren’t-they-cute attitude for the Rams is largely objective, I have to admit that I kind of want the Bucs to do well because they have Aqib Talib, a fast, wily and intelligent cornerback who I loooooved at KU and who I desperately wanted the Chiefs to draft in 2008. They chose Branden Albert instead. If you wonder why I love Todd Haley, compare our 2008 draft to our 2009 draft. That’s why.
The game itself was fairly exiting in that way that only a match-up between two mediocre teams can be, because any play has the potential to either go all the way or backfire completely. This is how my man Aqib had a beautiful 45 yard interception return for a touchdown. Ah, but then Derek “Horse Balls” Andersen (starting in place of Max Hall, not that it matters) led the Cardinals to a late rally to take the lead. And then Josh Freeman (Whooooo?) led the Bucs on an even later rally to retake the lead. Cardinals get the ball back down 35-38, and my man Aqib has the game-saving interception. Way to go, only player from the 2008 KU Orange Bowl team to do anything with himself in the NFL!
Seattle (4-3) 3 @ Oakland (4-4) 33: Oh, blech, we’re in that part of the season where the Raiders have a shiny new quarterback they picked up from some other franchise who was done with him and are riding the three weeks (310 yards and 2 TDs - this may be the best game he’ll ever play) before he gets injured/goes on a coke binge/gets arrested/starts sucking like he did at his last franchise to get traded in the first place. Knowing the Raiders as I do, I give them two more weeks before they implode. In the meantime, they’re capable of beating shitty teams like Seattle. Come Week 12, they won’t be able to beat Carolina.
Steelers (5-2) 10 @ Saints (5-3) 20: This was initially a good defensive struggle with New Orleans up 6-3 going into the fourth quarter, but the fact that the Steelers couldn’t get a lead on the Saints in a three-quarter defensive struggle spelled out their doom. As well it should, because even Ben Roethlisberger should be able to pick the piddling Saints defense apart with ease. If he can’t, then dude is fucked when they face the Patriots or the Jets or the Chargers or even the Chiefs on a good day. Come the fourth quarter the Saints had figured out all of Pittsburgh’s blitz fakes and the thing was basically over; they couldn’t touch Brees and they couldn’t keep up with the pass coverage. If Mike Tomlin’s half the coach he’s purported to be, he’ll use this game as a case study for the rest of the season, because the Steelers looked terrible in this thing.
Texans 17 @ Colts 30: Yet another riveting Monday Night game, and one that’s not even constituency-based, because both of these teams put together have half the following the Giants do. Christ, is the country so fucking in love with Manning that we need to watch him toy with the vaunted Texans defense in a featured game? Because he only ended up throwing two TD passes and then the Colts ran the ball the rest of the game because they had no reason not to. Blah, blah, the Colts ate up the Texans at home just like anybody could have told you they would, blah dee blah blah.
And fuck if the MNF broadcast just keeps getting worse and worse. I know I’ve already bitched about Jaws, and Tirico’s so fucking vanilla it’s impossible to have an opinion about him (It would be like having an opinion about my toothbrush. Could it do its job better? I don’t know, and I honestly don’t care about it enough to tell you.), but man is Gruden wearing on me. I used to like him because he was amusing on the sideline, but man is he a terrible announcer. The guy literally only has a five-phrase vocabulary; he’s like a human iPhone app. The only amusing thing is that he is not in any way a people person, yet the network keeps forcing him to do the pre-game interviews and they are legendary in their awkwardness - seriously, look them up. They are HILARIOUS. I think if they’d worked him into the studio a little more he might have been able to find a role, but the one he’s currently in doesn’t suit him at all as a person or as an announcer.
My recommendation for his replacement? Dick Vitale. He’d bring some much-needed energy and he needs to get away from college basketball before he blows Kyle Singler on national television.
Jaguars (4-4) 35 @ Cowboys (1-6) 17: The Cowboys now have their worst start since 1989, hopefully leading to their worst season ever (fingers crossed!). I imagine all the Cowboys fans who apparently don’t remember their string of shitty quarterbacks in the 80s and how well they did during those years and think Romo sucks have now shut up. Romo’s a bit excitable and makes bad decisions, but he doesn’t suck. Jon Kitna threw four interceptions against Jacksonville. JON KITNA sucks. So does your defense, by the way. How do you sack a quarterback three times, get a fumble off of him and still let him put up 35 points on you. Jeeeeesus. Also, the Jaguars really need to change the font on their jerseys, because David Garrard’s name looks like it’s GRRRRRD.
Dolphins (4-3) 22 @ Bengals (2-5) 14: The Bengals kept it close in the first half, but just could not do fuck all in the second, leading to Carson Palmer throwing an interception on their last-ditch drive and a Dolphins victory. The fact that a victory this close came off the Bengals and was - for the second week in a row - more due to the reliability of their field goal kicker than the reliability of their quarterback should give the Dolphins some food for thought. Alright, alright, Henne actually did reasonably well in a pass-heavy offense, but it was against the Bengals defense, so I’d take it with a grain of salt, and the dude still seems allergic to the end zone.
Bills (0-7) 10 @ Chiefs (5-2) 13: I can’t even process this game as a whole yet, so I’ll just break it up into a timeline.
Prior to kickoff - Remember to be gracious to darth_kittius when we murder her team. Remember to be gracious to darth_kittius when we murder her team. Now let’s DO THIS THING.
After the scoreless first quarter - Alright, alright, nothing to worry about. The defense is getting it done. Three more quarters to play. Plenty of time.
Dwayne Bowe touchdown - Aha! It begins. Now nail these fuckers.
7-0 at the half - Okay, we’re still holding them. The offense will get going in the second half. Still two more quarters of football left to play. No need to panic.
Nine minute Bills drive - They can put together a drive. Why can’t we? Gaaaaah!
False start on the 20-yard line on second down - We’re in their HEADS. Muahahaha!
Fitzgerald throws two incomplete passes - Yes! That’s my fucking defense!
Lindell field goal - Fine, okay. It’s still 7-3, and they’re the Bills. We got this.
Succop field goal - Awesome. Nice drive, up 10-3, this is in the bag.
Long Bills drive with two challenges upheld - You’ve got to be kidding me.
Fourth and goal on the five yard line, pass to Steve Johnson, who falls into the end zone to tie it up with 2:18 left - FUUUUUUUUCK!!!!
Chiefs get the ball back - Okay, okay. Plenty of time for a drive. Let’s end this.
Chiefs punt - GAAAAAAH!!! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?!
Bills are driving - Chewing on furniture.
Fitzgerald throws an interception to Eric Berry with :32 left - WOOOOOO! AHAHAHAHA!
Game goes to overtime - Please don’t fuck this up. Please don’t fuck this up.
Succop’s field goal attempt hooks left - Throws self on floor. Twitches.
Bills drive - Twitching. No. No. We’re not going to lose to the Bills at home. I refuse to live in a reality in which we can lose to the Bills at home.
Lindell kicks through a 53-yarder - Curls into ball. Hates self. Hates Chiefs.
Field goal called back because Haley called a timeout - Lifts head. Glimmer of hope.
Lindell shanks second attempt - WOOOHOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Chiefs punt - Back on floor, twitching.
Bills punt - No longer enough energy for twitching. Just incomprehensible gibbering.
Chiefs line up for field goal attempt - He’s going to miss it. Stop toying with me, we all know you’re going to miss it and tie the BILLS at HOME.
Succop makes it - Sags with relief. Downs liter of grain alcohol. Crawls into bed and shivers under the covers.
The agony and the ecstasy, ladies and gentlemen.
Redskins (4-4) 25 @ Lions (2-5) 37: After I woke up from my stress-induced coma, this was a pleasant diversion. So many awesome things happened in this game that I barely even know where to start. The game was 14-13 Lions going into the fourth quarter, the Redskins kicked a field goal approximately every other minute and the Lions scored a TD to put the score at 25-20 with the Redskins in the lead and with the ball. Then McNabb threw a pick to set up another Lions TD making it 27-20. The Redskins got the ball back and Shanahan benched McNabb in favor of that legendary game-saver, Rex Grossman. Who immediately fumbled the ball to Ndamukong Suh, who returned it for a touchdown. There have been a lot of legendary Rex Grossman plays, but due to the drama of the moment, this one totally took the cake.
I will always fondly remember the complete shitstorm that erupted in the local media following this game. Washington sports radio was never more entertaining to listen to, not even during the Haynesworth standoff. Redskins fans and media finally had to admit that McNabb is not the savior of the team, that he’s just as old and unreliable as everyone has telling them he is since July. (He played the worst game of his life since his rookie season.) The myth of the vaunted Redskins defense was destroyed once and for all, because they gave up 37 points to the Lions. But worst (well, best) of all, their faith in Shanahan was shaken because no matter how badly McNabb is playing, he’s still worlds better than Rex Grossman on his best day, and what the fuck dipshit coach picks up and old, injury-prone QB and backs him up with Rex Grossman? If anything, the Redskins fans should be thanking their lucky stars that McNabb hasn’t pulled a hamstring, because they would be fucked up, down and sideways with Sex Cannon at the helm. And hopefully one of these weeks, they will be.
Panthers (1-6) 10 @ Rams (4-4) 20: This was an important win for the Rams - wearing their Heaven Can Wait LA throwbacks, yay! - because after getting blown out by the Lions, squeaking out a win against the Chargers and losing narrowly against the Bucs, they needed a solid victory against a shitty team to work out the kinks and try to (blech, I was about to write “find their identity” like I’m a fucking TV announcer) figure out what works for them and what doesn’t.
I may have mentioned before that I picked the Rams in our longitudinal pool to have the fewest number of wins over the next three seasons, but I have never done such a 180 on a team than I have on this one. Coming into the season I figured Sam Bradford would go all Brady Quinn, the defense would fall apart and the offseason pickups (Mark Clayton? That old, washed up fuck?) would prove to be costly mistakes. I am an idiot. Yeah, I know it’s the fucking Panthers (and they played horribly per usual), but I think the close games over the past two weeks have been very educational for the Rams and I can see them finishing 6-10 this year and then coming on like demons next year. Although considering I bet on them sucking for the near future I wouldn’t be too torn up if I ended up being wrong.
Packers (5-3) 9 @ Jets (5-2) 0: It’s rare to see a good team get shut out, but apparently the New Meadowlands has a Heinz Field Whirlwind situation going on. Despite the score, this was a great game to watch, because the wind literally ruled the game, sending passes sailing five yards wide of any viable receiver and field goals all over the goddamn place. Even guys running down the field on punts were getting blown around like flimsy little leaves, and those motherfuckers weigh in at 220lbs. In the end, Green Bay won because the Jets kept trying to pass even when it became obvious that it was a lost cause, and were able to get the ball close enough to the end zone to kick three viable field goals. There have been a lot of awesome weather-related games throughout the years, but I think this will be an underrated gem. Watch Rex Ryan trying to keep his headset from blowing away and slowly losing his mind, and you’ll understand.
Titans (5-3) 25 @ Chargers (3-5) 33: I completely expected the Titans to win this game. They were on a three-game winning streak and the Chargers were coming off back-to-back losses (one of them to the Rams). Chris Johnson and Javon Ringer have been monsters, and Vince Young has been about as reliable as he’s ever going to get, whereas the Chargers seem to be getting it done on paper and shitting themselves in actual games because they’re a ridiculously talented team coached by Norv Turner, who has made a career of taking teams who excel on paper and making sure they never excel on the field.
Basically, the Titans lost this game because Kenny Britt went out in the first quarter with a hamstring injury and Vince Young went out midway through the fourth quarter, leaving Kerry Collins in charge. Usually I would then explain how the loss was Kerry Collins’ fault, but in this case dude came out hot, leading a rallying last drive that ended with Chris Johnson dropping a TD pass that literally landed right in his hands on fourth and two with 30 seconds left. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he fell victim to cascading misfortune.
Vikings (2-5) 18 @ Patriots (5-3) 28: I would give credit to the Pats for wearing their traditional throwback uniforms for this game if they weren’t playing a two-win Vikings team. Maybe prior to the season this looked like a rocking match-up, but do teams sign contracts in blood about the games in which they’ll wear throwbacks? Couldn’t they save this for the Colts or the Jets? Oh, right. This is a game they’re certain to win. That’s Belichick for you. Because the NFL expects me to think this is an exciting showdown between elite quarterbacks and all other vomitorious nonsense, I’ll just write that the only entertaining play of this game (Favre and Brady only threw one interception each, blah) was Favre getting fucking FLATTENED by a lineman while doing his usual schtick of “scrambling” around the backfield instead of throwing the ball away when the Vikings had first and goal at the 3 yard line. Tarvaris Jackson comes in. One play later he nails a TD pass. The next play he nails a two-point conversion, proving that even being young and spastic and prone to horrible decisions when under pressure, Tarvaris Jackson is still a better quarterback than Brett Favre at the moment. Does this mean Brad Childress will replace Favre as starting quarterback? Nope. Does this mean he’ll eventually get fired for this? Yep.
Buccaneers (5-2) 38 @ Cardinals (3-4) 35: Much as I’m kind of rooting for the underdog Rams this season I’m also kind of rooting for the underdog Bucs, even though it’s against my pool interests in both cases. I’d probably root for these teams less if I had a chance in hell of winning the pool (I don’t) or if their performances had any bearing on my Chiefs (they don’t). But while my aw-aren’t-they-cute attitude for the Rams is largely objective, I have to admit that I kind of want the Bucs to do well because they have Aqib Talib, a fast, wily and intelligent cornerback who I loooooved at KU and who I desperately wanted the Chiefs to draft in 2008. They chose Branden Albert instead. If you wonder why I love Todd Haley, compare our 2008 draft to our 2009 draft. That’s why.
The game itself was fairly exiting in that way that only a match-up between two mediocre teams can be, because any play has the potential to either go all the way or backfire completely. This is how my man Aqib had a beautiful 45 yard interception return for a touchdown. Ah, but then Derek “Horse Balls” Andersen (starting in place of Max Hall, not that it matters) led the Cardinals to a late rally to take the lead. And then Josh Freeman (Whooooo?) led the Bucs on an even later rally to retake the lead. Cardinals get the ball back down 35-38, and my man Aqib has the game-saving interception. Way to go, only player from the 2008 KU Orange Bowl team to do anything with himself in the NFL!
Seattle (4-3) 3 @ Oakland (4-4) 33: Oh, blech, we’re in that part of the season where the Raiders have a shiny new quarterback they picked up from some other franchise who was done with him and are riding the three weeks (310 yards and 2 TDs - this may be the best game he’ll ever play) before he gets injured/goes on a coke binge/gets arrested/starts sucking like he did at his last franchise to get traded in the first place. Knowing the Raiders as I do, I give them two more weeks before they implode. In the meantime, they’re capable of beating shitty teams like Seattle. Come Week 12, they won’t be able to beat Carolina.
Steelers (5-2) 10 @ Saints (5-3) 20: This was initially a good defensive struggle with New Orleans up 6-3 going into the fourth quarter, but the fact that the Steelers couldn’t get a lead on the Saints in a three-quarter defensive struggle spelled out their doom. As well it should, because even Ben Roethlisberger should be able to pick the piddling Saints defense apart with ease. If he can’t, then dude is fucked when they face the Patriots or the Jets or the Chargers or even the Chiefs on a good day. Come the fourth quarter the Saints had figured out all of Pittsburgh’s blitz fakes and the thing was basically over; they couldn’t touch Brees and they couldn’t keep up with the pass coverage. If Mike Tomlin’s half the coach he’s purported to be, he’ll use this game as a case study for the rest of the season, because the Steelers looked terrible in this thing.
Texans 17 @ Colts 30: Yet another riveting Monday Night game, and one that’s not even constituency-based, because both of these teams put together have half the following the Giants do. Christ, is the country so fucking in love with Manning that we need to watch him toy with the vaunted Texans defense in a featured game? Because he only ended up throwing two TD passes and then the Colts ran the ball the rest of the game because they had no reason not to. Blah, blah, the Colts ate up the Texans at home just like anybody could have told you they would, blah dee blah blah.
And fuck if the MNF broadcast just keeps getting worse and worse. I know I’ve already bitched about Jaws, and Tirico’s so fucking vanilla it’s impossible to have an opinion about him (It would be like having an opinion about my toothbrush. Could it do its job better? I don’t know, and I honestly don’t care about it enough to tell you.), but man is Gruden wearing on me. I used to like him because he was amusing on the sideline, but man is he a terrible announcer. The guy literally only has a five-phrase vocabulary; he’s like a human iPhone app. The only amusing thing is that he is not in any way a people person, yet the network keeps forcing him to do the pre-game interviews and they are legendary in their awkwardness - seriously, look them up. They are HILARIOUS. I think if they’d worked him into the studio a little more he might have been able to find a role, but the one he’s currently in doesn’t suit him at all as a person or as an announcer.
My recommendation for his replacement? Dick Vitale. He’d bring some much-needed energy and he needs to get away from college basketball before he blows Kyle Singler on national television.