Week 7
Bengals (2-4) 32 @ Falcons (5-2) 39: Atlanta was up 24-3 at the half, and as they’re wont to do, the Falcons decided to celebrate this lead by promptly blowing it. The defense just stopped trying altogether, and this wasn’t helped by Matt Ryan’s interception and Mr. Perfect Receiver Roddy White’s egregious fumble, which was returned for a touchdown. The Falcons were eventually saved by the fact that they were playing the Bengals who also fumble and have to depend upon Carson Palmer’s late game decision making. His inability to avoid a sack with 15 seconds left allowed them to win the game. Said it once, saying it again: Matt Ryan is overrated. Also, Terrell Owens conducted his entire post-game press conference in sunglasses, a Newsie hat and a bright pink v-neck cardigan, which may have opened up a whole new level of gay that even Glee can’t reach.
Steelers (5-1) 23 @ Dolphins (3-3) 22: Ah, the utter ineptitude of referees. Late in the fourth quarter, instead of paying attention to who recovered the ball after Gray Dick lost it in the end zone on the off chance that his touchdown might be called back on review (not that that ever happens), the officials chose to wholeheartedly agree with the touchdown ruling on the field even though the ball obviously popped out and it was obviously a close call as to whether or not Roethlisberger was down when it did, and if he wasn’t the Dolphins may have recovered it. The officials eventually decided that it had been a fumble (so it wasn’t a touchdown), but that since none of them had bothered to pay attention to who ended up with possession of the ball in the end zone, the Steelers would have the ball on the one yard line. They kicked a field goal for the lead, a stunned Miami wasn’t able to do anything with their last possession (possibly because it was relying on Chad Henne) and the Dolphins lost by a point. Also, James Harrison incurred a $75k penalty for a helmet-to-helmet hit on Mohamed Massaquoi last week and wouldn’t shut up about it and had a score to settle in this game or whatever. I don’t know. He used to play for the Ravens, so we’re mostly just glad he hasn’t shot anybody in the head during the course of play.
Bills (0-6) 34 @ Ravens (5-2) 37: God apparently doesn’t hate Buffalo enough to not give them a shot against the Ravens, because he watched The Wire. The Bills tore up Baltimore’s overrated defense to the tune of 505 yards and four TD passes, and even after they blew a 24-point lead in true Buffalo fashion, the Bills still scraped in a 50-yard Rian Lindell field goal with 4 seconds left to take the game into overtime. Then they fumbled the ball at their own 29 yard line and lost. I’m starting to think the Bills aren’t so much cursed as they are possessed by the spirit of a Monty Python character. On the positive side, while the game-clinching fumble was made by Ray Lewis, it doesn’t appear that he killed anybody in order to get it.
Jaguars (3-4) 20 @ Chiefs (4-2) 42: God, it’s nice to play a team that makes us look good. Cassel and Bowe hooked up for two TDs, our unstoppable running game put together three more and Derrick Johnson had a pick six to top it all off. It’s kind of ridiculous that we allowed an offense led by Todd Bouman put up 20 points on us, but to be honest we weren’t trying all that hard after Garrard went out. Yeah, it’s a cheap win, but it’s a good confidence builder after Houston, and it’s nice to be one of the teams that can (and should) beat teams like this, something that’s been in short supply with the Chiefs lately.
Browns (2-5) 30 @ Saints (4-3) 17: If you can’t beat the Browns at home (or even come close), this may not be your year for a Super Bowl repeat. This game was 20-3 going into the fourth quarter, and while the Saints put together a valiant comeback attempt, their defense proved to be the death of them, and they were unable to stop even the mediocre Browns offense. I’m not even saying that to be snarky, because the Browns defense - led by my beloved, awesome former Chief Scott Fujita - did more to win this game than the offense’s 135 rushing and 74 passing yards. Even last season the Saints were exactly that team that could be unstoppable when in top form and then randomly lose to the Browns at home, so it’s not like this is all that far out of character for them.
Redskins (4-3) 17 @ Bears (4-3) 14: This battle of overrated teams was especially amusing to watch on Red Zone, because every other highlight they showed was a Jay Cutler turnover. He ended up with five. Four of them were interceptions thrown to DeAngelo Hall, who ran one back 92 yards for a touchdown. So now of course I have to imagine Jay Cutler getting home after a long hard day, walking into his house, wiping the tears from his eyes and blowing his nose, then balling up the tissue and tossing it into the trash…only to have the tissue intercepted by DeAngelo Hall, who quickly vaults over the love seat, dives out a window and disappears. Warily, Jay closes the window, sets the alarm, and cries himself to sleep. The next morning he wakes up and stumbles groggily into the bathroom. He turns on the shower and picks up his shampoo, only to have the slippery bottle fumble through his fingers and fall…right into the hand of DeAngelo Hall, who inhales deeply, declares, “Mmm, this is the same shampoo your mom uses,” and scampers away. Jay Cutler curls up in the corner of the shower and cries until Lovie Smith lures him to practice with a sugar-free lollipop.
49ers (1-6) 20 @ Panthers (1-5) 23: Two weeks after begging for David Carr to replace Alex Smith, 49ers fans got their wish, and - as we all predicted - lived to regret it. After Smith played a reasonably good game (by his standards, at least, which is to say that he didn’t throw any interceptions or start humping the leg of an official and have to be hosed down), he went out with a strained shoulder, leaving the 49ers offense in the hands of one of the most overrated draft picks in modern football history. Despite playing against one of the worst pass defenses in the league and only needing to outperform Alex Smith in order to look like a legitimate starting quarterback, Carr immediately went all spastic and threw an interception, setting up the Panthers to kick a field goal for their first win of the season. I’m starting to think the 49ers may be a front for Al-Qaeda.
Rams (3-4) 17 @ Buccaneers (4-2) 18: In yet another contest between giants, the Rams went up 17-3, then apparently forgot that there’s a fourth quarter to football and let the Bucs put together one of the most boring comebacks in football history. If you’re up 14 points, and your opponent beats you by kicking three more field goals and then scoring a last-second touchdown because even you can’t bring yourself to pay attention anymore, you have a problem. The fourth quarter of this game is to football comebacks what the geriatric biker gang scene on Seinfeld is to The French Connection.
Eagles (4-3) 19 @ Titans (5-2) 37: Happily fitting into the weekly theme of having no idea how to protect a lead, the Eagles managed to shit on three quarters of excellent defensive play by allowing the fearsome combination of Kerry Collins and Kenny Britt to put up 27 points on them in the fourth quarter. The fact that the Kolb-led Eagles offense completely broke down and couldn’t move the ball in the second half was its own problem, but I think it takes a backseat to allowing Kerry Collins and Kenny Britt to put up 27 points on you in one quarter. Especially when it’s the fourth quarter. Because you’re one of the front-runners in the NFC and you just gave up 27 points in one quarter to Kerry Collins and Kenny Britt. Do you see where I’m going with this? Do you see the Titans’ record up there? The 5-2 one? You helped do that. And that’s just shameful. I just…I don’t have anything more to say, other than I think defensive contracts should have penalties for performing poorly just like they have bonuses for performing well, and one of the penalties should involve having to give back a lot of money if your dumb ass lets the Titans passing offense put up 27 points on you in one quarter.
Cardinals (3-3) 10 @ Seahawks (4-2) 22: Rookie Cardinals starting QB Max Hall left the game with a head injury, leaving Derek Anderson to yet again take over the difficult job of throwing incomplete passes and handing the ball off. Unfortunately, every time he handed the ball off, the ball carrier proceeded to ham hand it right over to the other team, so Derek Anderson was even more doomed than he already was just by being asked to quarterback the Arizona Cardinals. I realize both of these teams were above .500 coming into this match-up, but that doesn’t mean they should be, and it doesn’t mean that there’s any honor to be found in getting five turnovers off a team and only beating them by twelve points. When you think about it, did anybody really win this game? Did they?
Patriots (5-1) 23 @ Chargers (2-5) 20: This was a ridiculously fun game to watch, even detesting both teams as much as I do, because there was some excellent defense played - which kept it from being a shoot-out - and that just made you respect the offensive minds and talent behind it that much more, because they were throwing out everything they had, revising and changing strategy to try and stay one step ahead of the defense. At its best, football is a high end poker game played out with big, dumb bohunks instead of cards, and that’s what makes it awesome. While the Rams-Bucs game had its moments of brilliance, it mostly looked like two toddlers fighting over a toy. In this game, you could see the mastery, and the beautiful game that football can be when every guy is doing his job perfectly, and it really comes down to the narrow margin of who’s faster, or smarter, or just has luck on his side.
Yeah, I’m going to stop myself before I start telling a touching story about my father or some shit, because the end of this game was far more operatic than that. After - weekly theme! - nearly blowing a 17-point lead, the Pats were up 23-20 with 2:30 left and a fourth and one on their own 49 yard line. They didn’t get it, leaving the Chargers with plenty of time to get in position for a field goal to take it to overtime. The Chargers battled down to the 27 yard line, giving themselves a 45-yard FG attempt. Oh, but their kicker isn’t the reliable Nate Kaeding - out with an injury - but Kris Brown, well-known and bitterly hated by Steelers and Texans fans for his tendency to follow up a costly contract extension by missing his next ten attempts. I was glued to the TV as they lined up, because I just KNEW he was going to boff it. Instead, one of the guards false-started, moving him back so now it’s a 50 yarder. And at this point (this is how my mind works), I was totally convinced that both his jinx and his suckitude had been exorcised by the false start, and he was going to nail it. I honestly believed this, even had faith in it as much as I have faith in anything, even though this was Kris Brown, BECAUSE it was Kris Brown and I may be an atheist but I know an arc when I see one. So he lines up, and he kicks it, and it looks good the entire way and just when I’m like, “Fuck and a half, he just redeemed himself so he can blow the game-winning field goal in the AFC Championship,” it bounces off the crossbar. And I collapse into giggles. Football is much better at being God than God is.
Raiders (3-4) 59 @ Broncos (2-5) 14: I truly hope that terrorism will never again scar this country, but if it does, I truly hope that it comes in the form of a ululating underpants bomber at a Raiders-Broncos game. The Raiders scored the most points in their history, so I guess that makes Jason Campbell the fourth-most successful quarterback in franchise history, which is just so funny I can barely stand it, because #2 is Rich Gannon, and #3 is Jeff George, and it’s possible they’re both Ken Stabler’s illegitimate children. Darren McFadden also had four touchdowns and is having an excellent year, but since he plays for the Raiders nobody cares because we all know he’ll get arrested in the off-season and never play another down in the NFL.
Vikings (2-4) 24 @ Packers (4-3) 28: The three second half Favre interceptions are basically par for the course at this point, as was the almost-but-not-quite last-second comeback drive, which ended with a huge Percy Harvin reception being called back and then Favre throwing passes to the second row of the Lambeau Leap zone, which he’s used to doing. Aaron Rodger didn’t exactly play the game of his life, but he was less crappy than Favre, which is usually all it takes. And so Aaron Rodgers earns his first win over the Vikings at home or whatever, and sorry, I don’t really care enough.
Giants (5-2) 41 @ Cowboys (1-5) 25: In the hit heard ‘round the fantasy football world, fullback Chris Gronkowski totally blew a block to allow linebacker Michael Boley to pound Tony Romo into the ground, break his clavicle and put him out for the rest of the season. The Cowboys tried to rally under the dubious leadership of Jon Kitna, but considering they’ve shat away five games WITH Romo, nobody really believed they had the capacity to win this WITHOUT him. And now let’s sit down around the campfire so I can tell you a horror story about a coach named Wade Phillips. See, he begged to be killed there in the end, but Jerry Jones doesn’t have that kind of mercy in him. No, no. He kept him on as head coach just to watch him suffer.
Steelers (5-1) 23 @ Dolphins (3-3) 22: Ah, the utter ineptitude of referees. Late in the fourth quarter, instead of paying attention to who recovered the ball after Gray Dick lost it in the end zone on the off chance that his touchdown might be called back on review (not that that ever happens), the officials chose to wholeheartedly agree with the touchdown ruling on the field even though the ball obviously popped out and it was obviously a close call as to whether or not Roethlisberger was down when it did, and if he wasn’t the Dolphins may have recovered it. The officials eventually decided that it had been a fumble (so it wasn’t a touchdown), but that since none of them had bothered to pay attention to who ended up with possession of the ball in the end zone, the Steelers would have the ball on the one yard line. They kicked a field goal for the lead, a stunned Miami wasn’t able to do anything with their last possession (possibly because it was relying on Chad Henne) and the Dolphins lost by a point. Also, James Harrison incurred a $75k penalty for a helmet-to-helmet hit on Mohamed Massaquoi last week and wouldn’t shut up about it and had a score to settle in this game or whatever. I don’t know. He used to play for the Ravens, so we’re mostly just glad he hasn’t shot anybody in the head during the course of play.
Bills (0-6) 34 @ Ravens (5-2) 37: God apparently doesn’t hate Buffalo enough to not give them a shot against the Ravens, because he watched The Wire. The Bills tore up Baltimore’s overrated defense to the tune of 505 yards and four TD passes, and even after they blew a 24-point lead in true Buffalo fashion, the Bills still scraped in a 50-yard Rian Lindell field goal with 4 seconds left to take the game into overtime. Then they fumbled the ball at their own 29 yard line and lost. I’m starting to think the Bills aren’t so much cursed as they are possessed by the spirit of a Monty Python character. On the positive side, while the game-clinching fumble was made by Ray Lewis, it doesn’t appear that he killed anybody in order to get it.
Jaguars (3-4) 20 @ Chiefs (4-2) 42: God, it’s nice to play a team that makes us look good. Cassel and Bowe hooked up for two TDs, our unstoppable running game put together three more and Derrick Johnson had a pick six to top it all off. It’s kind of ridiculous that we allowed an offense led by Todd Bouman put up 20 points on us, but to be honest we weren’t trying all that hard after Garrard went out. Yeah, it’s a cheap win, but it’s a good confidence builder after Houston, and it’s nice to be one of the teams that can (and should) beat teams like this, something that’s been in short supply with the Chiefs lately.
Browns (2-5) 30 @ Saints (4-3) 17: If you can’t beat the Browns at home (or even come close), this may not be your year for a Super Bowl repeat. This game was 20-3 going into the fourth quarter, and while the Saints put together a valiant comeback attempt, their defense proved to be the death of them, and they were unable to stop even the mediocre Browns offense. I’m not even saying that to be snarky, because the Browns defense - led by my beloved, awesome former Chief Scott Fujita - did more to win this game than the offense’s 135 rushing and 74 passing yards. Even last season the Saints were exactly that team that could be unstoppable when in top form and then randomly lose to the Browns at home, so it’s not like this is all that far out of character for them.
Redskins (4-3) 17 @ Bears (4-3) 14: This battle of overrated teams was especially amusing to watch on Red Zone, because every other highlight they showed was a Jay Cutler turnover. He ended up with five. Four of them were interceptions thrown to DeAngelo Hall, who ran one back 92 yards for a touchdown. So now of course I have to imagine Jay Cutler getting home after a long hard day, walking into his house, wiping the tears from his eyes and blowing his nose, then balling up the tissue and tossing it into the trash…only to have the tissue intercepted by DeAngelo Hall, who quickly vaults over the love seat, dives out a window and disappears. Warily, Jay closes the window, sets the alarm, and cries himself to sleep. The next morning he wakes up and stumbles groggily into the bathroom. He turns on the shower and picks up his shampoo, only to have the slippery bottle fumble through his fingers and fall…right into the hand of DeAngelo Hall, who inhales deeply, declares, “Mmm, this is the same shampoo your mom uses,” and scampers away. Jay Cutler curls up in the corner of the shower and cries until Lovie Smith lures him to practice with a sugar-free lollipop.
49ers (1-6) 20 @ Panthers (1-5) 23: Two weeks after begging for David Carr to replace Alex Smith, 49ers fans got their wish, and - as we all predicted - lived to regret it. After Smith played a reasonably good game (by his standards, at least, which is to say that he didn’t throw any interceptions or start humping the leg of an official and have to be hosed down), he went out with a strained shoulder, leaving the 49ers offense in the hands of one of the most overrated draft picks in modern football history. Despite playing against one of the worst pass defenses in the league and only needing to outperform Alex Smith in order to look like a legitimate starting quarterback, Carr immediately went all spastic and threw an interception, setting up the Panthers to kick a field goal for their first win of the season. I’m starting to think the 49ers may be a front for Al-Qaeda.
Rams (3-4) 17 @ Buccaneers (4-2) 18: In yet another contest between giants, the Rams went up 17-3, then apparently forgot that there’s a fourth quarter to football and let the Bucs put together one of the most boring comebacks in football history. If you’re up 14 points, and your opponent beats you by kicking three more field goals and then scoring a last-second touchdown because even you can’t bring yourself to pay attention anymore, you have a problem. The fourth quarter of this game is to football comebacks what the geriatric biker gang scene on Seinfeld is to The French Connection.
Eagles (4-3) 19 @ Titans (5-2) 37: Happily fitting into the weekly theme of having no idea how to protect a lead, the Eagles managed to shit on three quarters of excellent defensive play by allowing the fearsome combination of Kerry Collins and Kenny Britt to put up 27 points on them in the fourth quarter. The fact that the Kolb-led Eagles offense completely broke down and couldn’t move the ball in the second half was its own problem, but I think it takes a backseat to allowing Kerry Collins and Kenny Britt to put up 27 points on you in one quarter. Especially when it’s the fourth quarter. Because you’re one of the front-runners in the NFC and you just gave up 27 points in one quarter to Kerry Collins and Kenny Britt. Do you see where I’m going with this? Do you see the Titans’ record up there? The 5-2 one? You helped do that. And that’s just shameful. I just…I don’t have anything more to say, other than I think defensive contracts should have penalties for performing poorly just like they have bonuses for performing well, and one of the penalties should involve having to give back a lot of money if your dumb ass lets the Titans passing offense put up 27 points on you in one quarter.
Cardinals (3-3) 10 @ Seahawks (4-2) 22: Rookie Cardinals starting QB Max Hall left the game with a head injury, leaving Derek Anderson to yet again take over the difficult job of throwing incomplete passes and handing the ball off. Unfortunately, every time he handed the ball off, the ball carrier proceeded to ham hand it right over to the other team, so Derek Anderson was even more doomed than he already was just by being asked to quarterback the Arizona Cardinals. I realize both of these teams were above .500 coming into this match-up, but that doesn’t mean they should be, and it doesn’t mean that there’s any honor to be found in getting five turnovers off a team and only beating them by twelve points. When you think about it, did anybody really win this game? Did they?
Patriots (5-1) 23 @ Chargers (2-5) 20: This was a ridiculously fun game to watch, even detesting both teams as much as I do, because there was some excellent defense played - which kept it from being a shoot-out - and that just made you respect the offensive minds and talent behind it that much more, because they were throwing out everything they had, revising and changing strategy to try and stay one step ahead of the defense. At its best, football is a high end poker game played out with big, dumb bohunks instead of cards, and that’s what makes it awesome. While the Rams-Bucs game had its moments of brilliance, it mostly looked like two toddlers fighting over a toy. In this game, you could see the mastery, and the beautiful game that football can be when every guy is doing his job perfectly, and it really comes down to the narrow margin of who’s faster, or smarter, or just has luck on his side.
Yeah, I’m going to stop myself before I start telling a touching story about my father or some shit, because the end of this game was far more operatic than that. After - weekly theme! - nearly blowing a 17-point lead, the Pats were up 23-20 with 2:30 left and a fourth and one on their own 49 yard line. They didn’t get it, leaving the Chargers with plenty of time to get in position for a field goal to take it to overtime. The Chargers battled down to the 27 yard line, giving themselves a 45-yard FG attempt. Oh, but their kicker isn’t the reliable Nate Kaeding - out with an injury - but Kris Brown, well-known and bitterly hated by Steelers and Texans fans for his tendency to follow up a costly contract extension by missing his next ten attempts. I was glued to the TV as they lined up, because I just KNEW he was going to boff it. Instead, one of the guards false-started, moving him back so now it’s a 50 yarder. And at this point (this is how my mind works), I was totally convinced that both his jinx and his suckitude had been exorcised by the false start, and he was going to nail it. I honestly believed this, even had faith in it as much as I have faith in anything, even though this was Kris Brown, BECAUSE it was Kris Brown and I may be an atheist but I know an arc when I see one. So he lines up, and he kicks it, and it looks good the entire way and just when I’m like, “Fuck and a half, he just redeemed himself so he can blow the game-winning field goal in the AFC Championship,” it bounces off the crossbar. And I collapse into giggles. Football is much better at being God than God is.
Raiders (3-4) 59 @ Broncos (2-5) 14: I truly hope that terrorism will never again scar this country, but if it does, I truly hope that it comes in the form of a ululating underpants bomber at a Raiders-Broncos game. The Raiders scored the most points in their history, so I guess that makes Jason Campbell the fourth-most successful quarterback in franchise history, which is just so funny I can barely stand it, because #2 is Rich Gannon, and #3 is Jeff George, and it’s possible they’re both Ken Stabler’s illegitimate children. Darren McFadden also had four touchdowns and is having an excellent year, but since he plays for the Raiders nobody cares because we all know he’ll get arrested in the off-season and never play another down in the NFL.
Vikings (2-4) 24 @ Packers (4-3) 28: The three second half Favre interceptions are basically par for the course at this point, as was the almost-but-not-quite last-second comeback drive, which ended with a huge Percy Harvin reception being called back and then Favre throwing passes to the second row of the Lambeau Leap zone, which he’s used to doing. Aaron Rodger didn’t exactly play the game of his life, but he was less crappy than Favre, which is usually all it takes. And so Aaron Rodgers earns his first win over the Vikings at home or whatever, and sorry, I don’t really care enough.
Giants (5-2) 41 @ Cowboys (1-5) 25: In the hit heard ‘round the fantasy football world, fullback Chris Gronkowski totally blew a block to allow linebacker Michael Boley to pound Tony Romo into the ground, break his clavicle and put him out for the rest of the season. The Cowboys tried to rally under the dubious leadership of Jon Kitna, but considering they’ve shat away five games WITH Romo, nobody really believed they had the capacity to win this WITHOUT him. And now let’s sit down around the campfire so I can tell you a horror story about a coach named Wade Phillips. See, he begged to be killed there in the end, but Jerry Jones doesn’t have that kind of mercy in him. No, no. He kept him on as head coach just to watch him suffer.