the irresistible pull to the darkness has once again loomed over me.
and here i am again,.. just one more puddle to hop over and i somehow can see myself crashing on the other side. and before that split second where i have to take the jump i cannot help but beat myself up over and over again with my fantasies of what could have beens and what ifs. am i deluded, am i wrong to have a longing for something else? am i being an ungrateful bastard by hoping that one day i can be someone i truly am?
my heart says follow your dreams yet my head says do the right thing. it seems to me that there is no middle ground, no grey area, just black or white. i know i need to make that grey area so i can actually live like a normal human being, because this will probably make me lose my mind sooner or later.. so many thing has confirmed that i am where i'm supposed to be, doing the right thing.. yet i don't feel i'm in the right place?
but why can't i just let go? it's not as if i have a lot to hold on to my dreams, but every now and then i feel a tug reminding me of what i can be, who i want to be. and although i cannot see what the future will be like for me, as both paths do not lead to a certain visible light, i sometimes feel i would have more strength if i follow my heart.
so here i am, contemplating, even when everybody i know has told me to soldier on and follow the road i'm already in. heck, even i have been telling myself the same thing. and i know, all this, it's just because i don't want to try harder, or as they say,.. i like the easy street. and i resent myself for it.
why do i have to be so weak, so unsure? why do i make things out to be a lot more than what they are? it's pathetic how i have no control over myself, how i fall to this valley of darkness each time i meet a bump on the road. i hate myself for succumbing to this never-ending bullshit that i keep feeding my mind with.
*sigh*