Nonstop Hilarity Up In Here
It's been an utterly insane week for the denizens of Hollywood, no? This much concentrated hilarity could ultimately be harmful to the environment, so it only comes along once in a while.
I guess we should begin with Britney's wedding. Or faux wedding, whatever the case may be, it's not like she knows the difference, meth colors your perception of reality. Springing a surprise ceremony on guests and making lil sis Jamie Lynne cry. Pimp sweatsuits. Chicken fingers. Phil Collins cds. Four (!) wardrobe changes after the ceremony. Kevin carrying the bride out of a club, presumably because she couldn’t do it herself. Kevin crying when he saw Britney in her “Wicked” lingerie. Allegations of a faux wedding. Rumors that Kevin correctly used the word “wed” in a People magazine interview. It’s like watching somebody’s acid trip, you simply cannot make this stuff up.
Lynne is either a)drinking herself into a coma or b)Trying her best to get Britney's money her daughter out of a bad situation.
Lynne Spears: Now, kids, I think it’s time that we sat down and talked about this.
Britney Spears: Talked about what, Momma?
Lynne: This…pretend game that y’all are playing.
Kevin: This aint pretend, this is real.
Britney: Momma, just because I beat Jamie Lynn in Candyland this morning and made her cry does NOT mean that it was pretend. You always take her side!
Lynne: No, I meant you guys thinking you’re married.
Britney: We are married, Momma.
Kevin: Word.
Lynne: Now, Britney, you were incapacitated at your wedding, you weren’t thinking straight.
Britney: I was too, Momma, I didn’t have that much to drink, it was only two bottles of Strawberry Hill.
Kevin: Straight outta the bottle like a champ. Holla! (They make out)
Lynne: (Chugs from her hip flask) I think we should get another annulment.
Britney: Annulment?
Lynne: Yes, I think we should have this marriage annulled.
Kevin: Oh, we did already, I annulled her all night long.
In preparation for the release of Shall We Dance?, Jennifer Lopez appeared on Diane Sawyer's show for an interview with Richard Gere and Susan Sarandon. Jennifer Lopez on Diana Sawyer was a thing of utter brilliance. For starters, she had about fourteen pounds of makeup on. Her mascara alone probably weighed more than her husband does. She also insisted on being lit differently from Richard Gere and Susan Sarandon and the camera lens was Vaslined like wo. And she still looked like she could be Susan Sarandon’s older sister, despite Susan being twenty years her senior. She acted like a dizzy ass, basically, calling herself “Bronxy” and claiming not to have used the word flutterbug in an interview, despite the interview being on tape. Whatevah, Jen. The highpoint of the interview, though, had to be Richard Gere asking Jen about Marc Anthony’s kids. When she responded that he did, indeed, have other kids, Richard asked how old they are. Y’all, deer in headlights does not even describe. She had no clue and you could almost see her trying to remember what her assistant told her about these weird kid before she answered.
Jennifer Lopez: What do you think Diane Sawyer is going to ask about my wedding, do you think she’ll want to know who designed my dress, or who did my makeup? Maybe you should write this on my hand for me, it was Valentino-
Assistant: Vera Wang did this dress for you, Miss Lopez.
Jennifer Lopez: She did? Oh, she did, she gave me a discount. Anyway, maybe she’ll ask about my new line of cloths, and who that model is, what’s her name, the one who looks like me?
Assistant: Ana Beatriz Barros?
Jennifer Lopez: Yeah, she looks a lot like me, doesn’t she? Except she don’t have an ass like mine. What else do you think Diane will ask me, maybe how I get my hair so shiny? Or how I walk in such high heels? Maybe she’ll want me to give a lesson, I’ll teach her and Suze Sarandon how to do it.
Assistant: She might ask you about the kids.
Jennifer Lopez: Kids? Why would she ask me about kids, my mom’s the one who’s a teacher, and she’s in Da Bronx, and I haven’t been there in years, except when I brought that camera crew with me that one time, but I don’t remember their names.
Assistant: I meant Marc’s kids.
Jennifer Lopez: Marc has kids? No, no, that bitch was lying, the test proved that Marc was not that baby’s father.
Assistant: His kids with his wife? The three kids who visited you that day when Us Weekly came to do a cover story?
Jennifer Lopez: Those were his kids? I thought they were midgets and that it was an article about how J. Lo loves special people. I wouldn’t have let them in if I knew they were his kids with that bitch of his. I’ma kick his scrawny motherfucking ass when I get home.
Really, though, when Richard Gere, renowned for his sexual escapades with gerbils, manages to one-up you on national television, your star has fallen.
Gwyneth Paltrow is the new spokesmodel for the Damiani jewelry line that her ex lovah Brad Pitt designs wedding bands for. Brilliant.
Chris Martin: Gwyn, what’s this about you doing jewelry advertisements?
Gwyneth Paltrow: How many times have I asked you not to interrupt me while I look at myself in the mirror?
Chris Martin: Sorry, I’ll go.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Never mind, you already ruined the whole morning, just talk to me now, and get that fucking baby to stop crying.
Chris Martin: I read that you’re doing jewelry ads, why didn’t you tell me?
Gwyneth Paltrow: Oh, I don’t know, because it’s none of your business?
Chris Martin: It’s a little odd, isn’t it, though, modeling jewelry that…you know who designed?
Gwyneth Paltrow: Oh, that is funny, isn’t it?
Chris Martin: You’ll be modeling his…wedding rings?
Gwyneth Paltrow: And you know what? He’ll look at those ads and see what he’s missing! His stupid wife with her long hair and her big fucking chin, she doesn’t look good in pretty jewelry and couture, god, have you SEEN her? She’s worn the same black Prada dress for five years, and Miuccia doesn’t even LIKE her, she made her pay full price for it, she told me all about it that time on the yacht, and that woman was just blathering on and on about her fucking ZONE diet like anybody even cares and Miuccia said she weighs about 110 pounds, can you even imagine? I’d KILL myself if I weighed 110 pounds, I’d feel like such a heifer. AND she smokes like a chimney. God, I cant believe someone would want to be married to someone with so many vices. You’re so lucky, Bruce, I don’t drink caffeine, I don’t smoke-
Chris Martin: Chris. Not Bruce.
Gwyneth Paltrow: What? Whatever, don’t interrupt me! When he sees a BEAUTIFUL woman wearing that jewelry, oh, he’ll regret getting married to that television girl even more than he does already. Right?
Chris Martin: Erm, right.
Gwyneth Paltrow: And what do you say?
Chris Martin: You’re gorgeous and smart and I love you.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Gorgeous, smart and what, now?
Chris: Perfect. Perfect.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Very good. Now go, I have to finish counting my eyelashes.
50 Cent tries to prolong his fifteen minutes of fame with a semi-autobiographical movie role, much in the manner of his boytoy mentor Eminem.
50 Cent: Marshall, did you hear the news? I’ma be in a movie, dawg!
Eminem: Yeah, that’s great, Fitty, that’s great.
50 Cent: it’s gonna be mad hot, rappin and shootin’ and sexin’
Eminem: Sexin’? Wait, what you talking about, man?
50 Cent: It’s a love story, man! About a dawg and his shorty.
Eminem: So, uh, who’s playing your shorty?
50 Cent: They don’t know yet.
Eminem: What about Lloyd Banks, that, uh, that’s a good idea, man. He got no flow, he'll be looking for some work.
50 Cent: Naw, man, stop playing. I want it to b Halle Berry, dawg.
Eminem: Halle Berry.
50 Cent: Yeah, man, she’s hot, you saw her in that cat movie with the leather, that was hot man! You say that’s why you want me to wear leather all the time, because it reminds you of Halle berry.
Eminem: Yeah, yeah, right, Halle Berry. That’s why.
Eminem soon banished 50 from the room, citing his need to go to his "happy place" and cried and cried.
All of this, plus:
Star Jones takes tack to a whole new level, asking for people to sponsor her wedding to her dapper darling. I guess she needs to save all of her money to pay her fiancé to go along with this charade.
And the return of America's Next Top Model! The very first episode of ANTM had no HotNigel (Pout) and, criminally, no Janice (Boo!) but lots of drama. There was the eating disorder fight between Eva The Diva and Amy-who, I’m sorry, was 90 pounds soaking wet, she was being awfully generous with claiming to be 115. There was J. Alexander in pigtails and a pink do-rag laughing at the wannabes. There was almost a dance-off. There was a bar fight, with glasses being thrown and a girl screaming “Bitch poured beer on my weave!”. It? Was awesome.
In conclusion, this week? Was the the most awesome week ever.
Lynne is either a)drinking herself into a coma or b)Trying her best to get Britney's money her daughter out of a bad situation.
Lynne Spears: Now, kids, I think it’s time that we sat down and talked about this.
Britney Spears: Talked about what, Momma?
Lynne: This…pretend game that y’all are playing.
Kevin: This aint pretend, this is real.
Britney: Momma, just because I beat Jamie Lynn in Candyland this morning and made her cry does NOT mean that it was pretend. You always take her side!
Lynne: No, I meant you guys thinking you’re married.
Britney: We are married, Momma.
Kevin: Word.
Lynne: Now, Britney, you were incapacitated at your wedding, you weren’t thinking straight.
Britney: I was too, Momma, I didn’t have that much to drink, it was only two bottles of Strawberry Hill.
Kevin: Straight outta the bottle like a champ. Holla! (They make out)
Lynne: (Chugs from her hip flask) I think we should get another annulment.
Britney: Annulment?
Lynne: Yes, I think we should have this marriage annulled.
Kevin: Oh, we did already, I annulled her all night long.
Jennifer Lopez: What do you think Diane Sawyer is going to ask about my wedding, do you think she’ll want to know who designed my dress, or who did my makeup? Maybe you should write this on my hand for me, it was Valentino-
Assistant: Vera Wang did this dress for you, Miss Lopez.
Jennifer Lopez: She did? Oh, she did, she gave me a discount. Anyway, maybe she’ll ask about my new line of cloths, and who that model is, what’s her name, the one who looks like me?
Assistant: Ana Beatriz Barros?
Jennifer Lopez: Yeah, she looks a lot like me, doesn’t she? Except she don’t have an ass like mine. What else do you think Diane will ask me, maybe how I get my hair so shiny? Or how I walk in such high heels? Maybe she’ll want me to give a lesson, I’ll teach her and Suze Sarandon how to do it.
Assistant: She might ask you about the kids.
Jennifer Lopez: Kids? Why would she ask me about kids, my mom’s the one who’s a teacher, and she’s in Da Bronx, and I haven’t been there in years, except when I brought that camera crew with me that one time, but I don’t remember their names.
Assistant: I meant Marc’s kids.
Jennifer Lopez: Marc has kids? No, no, that bitch was lying, the test proved that Marc was not that baby’s father.
Assistant: His kids with his wife? The three kids who visited you that day when Us Weekly came to do a cover story?
Jennifer Lopez: Those were his kids? I thought they were midgets and that it was an article about how J. Lo loves special people. I wouldn’t have let them in if I knew they were his kids with that bitch of his. I’ma kick his scrawny motherfucking ass when I get home.
Really, though, when Richard Gere, renowned for his sexual escapades with gerbils, manages to one-up you on national television, your star has fallen.
Chris Martin: Gwyn, what’s this about you doing jewelry advertisements?
Gwyneth Paltrow: How many times have I asked you not to interrupt me while I look at myself in the mirror?
Chris Martin: Sorry, I’ll go.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Never mind, you already ruined the whole morning, just talk to me now, and get that fucking baby to stop crying.
Chris Martin: I read that you’re doing jewelry ads, why didn’t you tell me?
Gwyneth Paltrow: Oh, I don’t know, because it’s none of your business?
Chris Martin: It’s a little odd, isn’t it, though, modeling jewelry that…you know who designed?
Gwyneth Paltrow: Oh, that is funny, isn’t it?
Chris Martin: You’ll be modeling his…wedding rings?
Gwyneth Paltrow: And you know what? He’ll look at those ads and see what he’s missing! His stupid wife with her long hair and her big fucking chin, she doesn’t look good in pretty jewelry and couture, god, have you SEEN her? She’s worn the same black Prada dress for five years, and Miuccia doesn’t even LIKE her, she made her pay full price for it, she told me all about it that time on the yacht, and that woman was just blathering on and on about her fucking ZONE diet like anybody even cares and Miuccia said she weighs about 110 pounds, can you even imagine? I’d KILL myself if I weighed 110 pounds, I’d feel like such a heifer. AND she smokes like a chimney. God, I cant believe someone would want to be married to someone with so many vices. You’re so lucky, Bruce, I don’t drink caffeine, I don’t smoke-
Chris Martin: Chris. Not Bruce.
Gwyneth Paltrow: What? Whatever, don’t interrupt me! When he sees a BEAUTIFUL woman wearing that jewelry, oh, he’ll regret getting married to that television girl even more than he does already. Right?
Chris Martin: Erm, right.
Gwyneth Paltrow: And what do you say?
Chris Martin: You’re gorgeous and smart and I love you.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Gorgeous, smart and what, now?
Chris: Perfect. Perfect.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Very good. Now go, I have to finish counting my eyelashes.
50 Cent: Marshall, did you hear the news? I’ma be in a movie, dawg!
Eminem: Yeah, that’s great, Fitty, that’s great.
50 Cent: it’s gonna be mad hot, rappin and shootin’ and sexin’
Eminem: Sexin’? Wait, what you talking about, man?
50 Cent: It’s a love story, man! About a dawg and his shorty.
Eminem: So, uh, who’s playing your shorty?
50 Cent: They don’t know yet.
Eminem: What about Lloyd Banks, that, uh, that’s a good idea, man. He got no flow, he'll be looking for some work.
50 Cent: Naw, man, stop playing. I want it to b Halle Berry, dawg.
Eminem: Halle Berry.
50 Cent: Yeah, man, she’s hot, you saw her in that cat movie with the leather, that was hot man! You say that’s why you want me to wear leather all the time, because it reminds you of Halle berry.
Eminem: Yeah, yeah, right, Halle Berry. That’s why.
Eminem soon banished 50 from the room, citing his need to go to his "happy place" and cried and cried.
All of this, plus:
In conclusion, this week? Was the the most awesome week ever.