(no subject)
Hmm, after thinkin some bout the future, i started to think bout the past. i started lookin at myself, and i realized how much that i have grown and how many things that i did b4 i was ready. in fact, some of the things that i did last summer i can't even believe happened. (from here on i feel like gettin personal and deep, so if there r certain things that u'd rather now know bout me, then stop readin here) i mean, first there was matt sinclair. i was 16, he was 19. a pretty big age difference, but he was actually kinda interested in me, and girl who wasn't (and isn't) used to havin that much attention focused on me. that, of course, resulted in my first experience bein fingered, which was in my driveway where my rents could have easily come out and seen that. then, we went to his house and screwed round a bit more and i ended up not clothed in one of his guest bedrooms, makin out w/ him and suchness. that was crazy, since it was the first time that ne1 had ever really seen me like that. and then things w/ us just kinda stopped, which was crazy. and of course at the time it was a huge deal, b/c that had never happened to me b4. bein used and then dismissed, that was harsh at the time. i mean, i wasn't expectin nor did i want a relationship, but i guess i expected more than that. so that done, i went bout my summer, workin, stuff like that, thinkin that i was suddenly so grown up that i could do that stuff. so i went to another one of matt's parties. this one i got hella drunker, and for no real good reason. i was lookin for a good time and i was too shy to talk to the ppls there, so i kept drinkin and drinkin till i loosened up. that doesn't seem that bad, cept that i did some crazy things. i ended up wantin to get some action, and i know that col and this girl named jess who i didn't know and have never seen again were tryin to protect me. i member sittin up every few minutes and reachin for this guy's croch and tellin ppls that i was alright, which i sure as hell wasn't. but i ended up makin out for like a minute w/ one guy, till he went w/ someone else. then, i was layin there and this 27 year old realized how outta it i was and come onto me and started makin out w/ me. i do'nt really member what happened here, tho it scares the crap outta me that it happened at all. i mean, i know that i didn't want this one, i know that i thought he was gross and i wanted him off of me. but i was so gone that i couldn't do nethin bout it. i'm lucky that i didn't get raped by that guy. i'm very lucky. but still, it's extremely upseting to me that i came that close. and then, of course, after i somehow got rid of the 27 year old, i started screwin round w/ another guy. we went into another room, which in retrospect makes me kinda guilty b/c we were screwin round in the room of a little kid, in the bottom of bunkbeds. he took care of me tho, he was a good guy. we screwed round for a bit, but then i just crashed, and he slept w/ me the rest of the night and held me. i mean, sure, nothin became of it tho he was a kewl guy and i would have pursued somethin w/ him, but i don't regret that. these r only a few of my stories. now that i look back, i don't know how i thought i was so ready to be w/ those guys. i mean, even now, i can't believe that person was me. i went, in the matter of a few months, from a girl who would never do nethin like that and prided herself on that, to a girl who had done that, and more importantly, would do that again. it's crazy how things change.
but more importantly from all this i realized the effect that certain ppls have on ur life. i mean, the ppl from the summer cahnged how i saw myself and what i thought that i would or could do and still be acceptable in my eyes. and then there were the ppls that hurt me. they hurt me a lot, but when i look back, they taught me so much bout myself and what i want, and so that means a lot. i can't hate ne of them, b/c they helped me figure out what i want, and not makin the same mistakes again is important to me.
i'm kind of in this optimistic good mood right now. i feel like somethin good is goin to happen...
but more importantly from all this i realized the effect that certain ppls have on ur life. i mean, the ppl from the summer cahnged how i saw myself and what i thought that i would or could do and still be acceptable in my eyes. and then there were the ppls that hurt me. they hurt me a lot, but when i look back, they taught me so much bout myself and what i want, and so that means a lot. i can't hate ne of them, b/c they helped me figure out what i want, and not makin the same mistakes again is important to me.
i'm kind of in this optimistic good mood right now. i feel like somethin good is goin to happen...