On moving forward
Green Eyes and I had gotten into an argument this past week, and I was livid with him. He knew he fucked up too, and apologized to me. I accepted his apology and we made up. After taking me home from my lasik surgery, I fell asleep and woke up to a new LA Kings beanie with poofy ball on top and sweater. He's a Ducks fan himself but still gets me Kings stuff. We spent the next evening scrolling and watching old music videos. Anytime I requested a really cheesy, he obliged and allowed 15 year old me to giggle at the absurdity of the songs I used to listen to in high school. When I told him he could skip the song, he said no, knowing that I was thoroughly enjoying the cringe. The constant gifts are proof he speaks my love language and his willingness to listen to some of my favorite, albeit terrible, songs means he's the one for me. I went to bed with no doubt in my mind of his love for me.
When I was at work earlier today, my sisters and I were in our group chat, talking about exes. One of my sisters had run into our sister's exes. She said they chatted for a bit and he let her know what was going on in his life and such. She reported back to our group chat. My other sister announced to the group that our sister had run into the neighbor guy that had a crush on her: They were friendly enough but my sister still felt awkward seeing him in our mom's neighborhood. My little sister surmised the universe was telling my sister something. I sneered in our group, stating that exes are exes for a reason. My sister, ever the optimist, chastised me, saying that I shouldn't "judge" and that "circumstances change." She continued, "Try to remember the positives of any relationship. Holding onto the negative will just eat you alive. Unless you're or Nancy or Tina. Then hold onto nothing."
A few weeks ago, I had lunch with my childhood best-friend. She came over and we chatted the entire afternoon, catching up after having not talked for quite some time. After she left, she sent me a screen shot of a reaction she had received to one of her social media stories with me in it: My ex has been stalking her. What. THE. FUCK. It blew my mind. Fucking, seven years later and he is still trying to worm his way into my life. I fucking hate him. I have no shame in admitting it. Almost everyone tells me there's no use in holding on that anger, that there's no reason to be so bitter after all this time.
No one understands the shit I went through with that fucking asshole. That he jealously held on to me and refused to let me go. Did he think I would forget that he hit me? That I saw the darkest, meanest parts of him? Did he think celebratory reaction to my own happiness would erase those awful years? Fuck his insincerity. He never liked my friend, so why the fuck would he follow her on social media if only to stalk me? And, of course, I had another terrible dream. He forced his way into my house and ignored my demands that he leave me the fuck alone. I hate those dreams. I hate him and all that he put me through, and still now with false pretenses. It took me years to heal, and those scars remain in my soul. How dare he try to rip open those wounds. The audacity is astounding and frankly infuriating.
But in a few months, Green Eyes and I will get married, and none of what happened with him will matter. Green Eyes and I will promise to love one another, to be faithful to one another, and then I will have won. Fuck him.