On love/letting go
I had dinner with Nicole on Thursday, about a week a half since I last saw her. Usually we go weeks or months inbetween but this was a special dinner for us though: It was our last dinner before she heads up to SF to start her year long residency. I'm glad we got to grow closer over the last couple of years since graduating from UCLA. I'm gonna miss her. I'll see her soon though at Kelly's wedding. The first thing we talked about was the book she loaned me the last time we saw each other. I looked at her skeptically when she handed it to me: It is a Christian fiction book called Redeeming Love and had a rather racy looking cover on the front. She told me to keep an open mind and try it. I started that night and stayed up till 4 in the morning reading it. I finished it in about 3 days. She was glad when I told her I totally enjoyed the book. The story is set during the California gold rush and is about a man who falls in love with a prostitute. It is based on one of the stories in the bible. But beyond the romantic love between the two main characters, it was about God's love for each of them and what true love really is. It was everything I had been wanting for the last couple of years, a love greater than anyone can know, a love only God can provide. It was such a great book.
When we sat down to eat the conversation of course goes onto the biggest topic in my life right now: Green Eyes. I caught Nic up on the things that happened last week: How I saw him so many times, how I took care of him, how he told me he loved me, "Whaaat?!?!" she echoed everyone whom I told. She followed up with the usual: What did I say back, what did I feel, what is happening now. I told her I didn't say it back to him, not cuz I don't care for him (cuz I do) but cuz I didn't feel it in the way it is meant to be said. There's a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. When your feelings are volatile and fleeting, you're in love. Things still feel exciting and new. But love is more steady and even. It's deeper and profound. I brought up the love in the book we were talking about. I told her that I love God so much that I don't want to throw the word around so easily. That when I say it to to a guy I mean it in the way God loves me as well. I told her I've been fighting to not blurt it out but ultimately I want to wait for when it's right. "Wow. That takes a lot of self control," she says to me impressed.
I told Nicole when I had dinner with Kelly last week, I had asked her if she was sure her Andy loves her. Kelly gave me a look. "I'm pretty sure," Kells says to me. "How sure? 90% sure? 100% sure?" "I'm 100% sure he loves me." I asked Kelly how she knew she loves her Andy. "Well, cuz God loves me and God loves Andy." I forgot what else she said but it was basically this: Their love for each other is grounded in God's love for each of them. So I told Nic how important it was to me to have God's love for my guy too for me to tell him I love him. I told him I still wasn't quite sure Green Eyes likes me, only "99% sure". She looks at me. "How can you not be sure?" I told her I really don't know what he likes about me. She pointed out some things: I don't try to change him (even though I don't think he should smoke so much pot), I take care of him, I'm there for him when he needs me. "That's a start," she says to me reassuringly. I didn't think of those things. "I'm sure he likes you." I don't know why I'm being such a girl about this. I wondered how much he really meant it when he said he loved me, if at all. Nic said he probably meant it in the way he thinks of love, that he definition may be different from mine but he wouldn't have said it if he didn't mean it. She asked me what I'm gonna do since I don't ever see myself really loving him. I told her I would reevaluate after Bone Thugs in 3 weeks.
I'm still doing a lot of firsts with Green Eyes. He texted me Wednesday morning, the kissy face of course. He told me was doing laundry was gonna go to Target for soap. "You need anything from Target while I'm here?" So cute. He told me he was just gonna hang out at home if I wanted to come over after work. I asked him if he wanted me to pick anything up before I headed over to his place. "I don't need anything. Just you 😘." I DIE. We watched Entourage at the Spectrum, our first movie together. He held my hand. I swooned. I got up the next morning and took a shower, the usual. When I walked out, he jumps from behind a corner and scares me! Haha. Silly boy has never done that before. He walks away laughing as a call him fucker to his back. That Thursday night was rough for me though. Out of all the damn days, on what would have been our 9 year anniversary, I had another one of those memory/dreams about him. It was the same old stuff: He showed up at my house, yelling and fighting, telling me he wouldn't break up with me, bringing up all the pain we went through. But even in my dreams I couldn't bare to have him arrested. I woke up Friday morning in a fright. I went to work that day, distracted and not feeling well at all. I got a text message from Green Eyes in the afternoon. He was already home and he asked me if I was still at work. I told him I was, feeling hot and miserable. He asked if the AC was broken but I told him I was feeling emo and made myself sick. He asked me why. I told him I had a bad dream last night and I couldn't get it out of my head. "I'm sorry. Do you want kisses?" I FUCKING DIE. He always knows how to make me feel better. I told him I did and headed over to his place after work. When I got out of the shower, he was already sitting in the chair playing games with Bob. I sat on the big sofa with my computer, still quiet, not myself. "Do you want to talk about it now? Later? You gonna sit there?" I repeated I had a bad dream. "A nightmare?" "Bad dream...He told me I didn't deserve to be happy." "Ex-boyfriend?" I nodded. He gets up and gives me a kiss. "You shouldn't let people who don't matter make you feel that way." I didn't say anything and he let it go. Later, he comes over and sits next me. "I'm gonna make you 'sketti' tonight." I lit up. "That's my favorite." He smiles knowingly and kisses me. We hung out for a while before he made dinner. Afterwards, we watched some skateboarding stuff. He started to get drowsy around 9 in the evening and said he was gonna lie down for a bit since it was still too early to go to sleep. I followed him. "Dirty girl. Following boys into dark rooms." Hehe. He gets a text message as we were fucking. After I get up to shower, he groans as Sean calls him. "What?!?!" he yells. Sean must have asked him what he was doing cuz he says back, "Having sex!" Haha. We hung out for a bit when I get out of the shower then fell asleep while watching Seinfeld. The stuff from the day was still on my mind but it was gone in the morning. I watched him sleep. God, he has such a beautiful face. It's his nose. He has a good, straight nose. I gave him kisses before I left for work, thanking him for having me over and making me spaghetti dinner.
I can't believe that I'm letting things that don't matter anymore have such an effect on me. It's been two years since we had that last fist fight and almost two years since I finally cut him out of my life. How could I let the past get stirred up in me like that? I'm so much more happy than I ever was. But somehow, Green Eyes always turns something bad I go through into something good. Just walking into his place took a big load off my shoulders. Then there was that first hug and kiss he gives me. Being around him makes everything better. He's so thoughtful and I can't help but get swept up in all the girly feelings. He made me spaghetti for Pete's sake. How can anyone not get excited? Ok, maybe no one likes spaghetti as much as I do but same thing. I care for him. I do. And I'm absolutely in love with him. That bad dream was just that-- a bad dream. He's gone from my life and I've moved on. I've let it go. It was a bump in the road and Green Eyes was there to fix it. I hope that he sticks around long enough for things to turn into something bigger. Or at least till Bone Thugs. Yeah, let's not be greedy. Just till Bone Thugs.
When we sat down to eat the conversation of course goes onto the biggest topic in my life right now: Green Eyes. I caught Nic up on the things that happened last week: How I saw him so many times, how I took care of him, how he told me he loved me, "Whaaat?!?!" she echoed everyone whom I told. She followed up with the usual: What did I say back, what did I feel, what is happening now. I told her I didn't say it back to him, not cuz I don't care for him (cuz I do) but cuz I didn't feel it in the way it is meant to be said. There's a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. When your feelings are volatile and fleeting, you're in love. Things still feel exciting and new. But love is more steady and even. It's deeper and profound. I brought up the love in the book we were talking about. I told her that I love God so much that I don't want to throw the word around so easily. That when I say it to to a guy I mean it in the way God loves me as well. I told her I've been fighting to not blurt it out but ultimately I want to wait for when it's right. "Wow. That takes a lot of self control," she says to me impressed.
I told Nicole when I had dinner with Kelly last week, I had asked her if she was sure her Andy loves her. Kelly gave me a look. "I'm pretty sure," Kells says to me. "How sure? 90% sure? 100% sure?" "I'm 100% sure he loves me." I asked Kelly how she knew she loves her Andy. "Well, cuz God loves me and God loves Andy." I forgot what else she said but it was basically this: Their love for each other is grounded in God's love for each of them. So I told Nic how important it was to me to have God's love for my guy too for me to tell him I love him. I told him I still wasn't quite sure Green Eyes likes me, only "99% sure". She looks at me. "How can you not be sure?" I told her I really don't know what he likes about me. She pointed out some things: I don't try to change him (even though I don't think he should smoke so much pot), I take care of him, I'm there for him when he needs me. "That's a start," she says to me reassuringly. I didn't think of those things. "I'm sure he likes you." I don't know why I'm being such a girl about this. I wondered how much he really meant it when he said he loved me, if at all. Nic said he probably meant it in the way he thinks of love, that he definition may be different from mine but he wouldn't have said it if he didn't mean it. She asked me what I'm gonna do since I don't ever see myself really loving him. I told her I would reevaluate after Bone Thugs in 3 weeks.
I'm still doing a lot of firsts with Green Eyes. He texted me Wednesday morning, the kissy face of course. He told me was doing laundry was gonna go to Target for soap. "You need anything from Target while I'm here?" So cute. He told me he was just gonna hang out at home if I wanted to come over after work. I asked him if he wanted me to pick anything up before I headed over to his place. "I don't need anything. Just you 😘." I DIE. We watched Entourage at the Spectrum, our first movie together. He held my hand. I swooned. I got up the next morning and took a shower, the usual. When I walked out, he jumps from behind a corner and scares me! Haha. Silly boy has never done that before. He walks away laughing as a call him fucker to his back. That Thursday night was rough for me though. Out of all the damn days, on what would have been our 9 year anniversary, I had another one of those memory/dreams about him. It was the same old stuff: He showed up at my house, yelling and fighting, telling me he wouldn't break up with me, bringing up all the pain we went through. But even in my dreams I couldn't bare to have him arrested. I woke up Friday morning in a fright. I went to work that day, distracted and not feeling well at all. I got a text message from Green Eyes in the afternoon. He was already home and he asked me if I was still at work. I told him I was, feeling hot and miserable. He asked if the AC was broken but I told him I was feeling emo and made myself sick. He asked me why. I told him I had a bad dream last night and I couldn't get it out of my head. "I'm sorry. Do you want kisses?" I FUCKING DIE. He always knows how to make me feel better. I told him I did and headed over to his place after work. When I got out of the shower, he was already sitting in the chair playing games with Bob. I sat on the big sofa with my computer, still quiet, not myself. "Do you want to talk about it now? Later? You gonna sit there?" I repeated I had a bad dream. "A nightmare?" "Bad dream...He told me I didn't deserve to be happy." "Ex-boyfriend?" I nodded. He gets up and gives me a kiss. "You shouldn't let people who don't matter make you feel that way." I didn't say anything and he let it go. Later, he comes over and sits next me. "I'm gonna make you 'sketti' tonight." I lit up. "That's my favorite." He smiles knowingly and kisses me. We hung out for a while before he made dinner. Afterwards, we watched some skateboarding stuff. He started to get drowsy around 9 in the evening and said he was gonna lie down for a bit since it was still too early to go to sleep. I followed him. "Dirty girl. Following boys into dark rooms." Hehe. He gets a text message as we were fucking. After I get up to shower, he groans as Sean calls him. "What?!?!" he yells. Sean must have asked him what he was doing cuz he says back, "Having sex!" Haha. We hung out for a bit when I get out of the shower then fell asleep while watching Seinfeld. The stuff from the day was still on my mind but it was gone in the morning. I watched him sleep. God, he has such a beautiful face. It's his nose. He has a good, straight nose. I gave him kisses before I left for work, thanking him for having me over and making me spaghetti dinner.
I can't believe that I'm letting things that don't matter anymore have such an effect on me. It's been two years since we had that last fist fight and almost two years since I finally cut him out of my life. How could I let the past get stirred up in me like that? I'm so much more happy than I ever was. But somehow, Green Eyes always turns something bad I go through into something good. Just walking into his place took a big load off my shoulders. Then there was that first hug and kiss he gives me. Being around him makes everything better. He's so thoughtful and I can't help but get swept up in all the girly feelings. He made me spaghetti for Pete's sake. How can anyone not get excited? Ok, maybe no one likes spaghetti as much as I do but same thing. I care for him. I do. And I'm absolutely in love with him. That bad dream was just that-- a bad dream. He's gone from my life and I've moved on. I've let it go. It was a bump in the road and Green Eyes was there to fix it. I hope that he sticks around long enough for things to turn into something bigger. Or at least till Bone Thugs. Yeah, let's not be greedy. Just till Bone Thugs.