On self-worth
So it had been...more than two months since I had seen him? He texted me on Valentine's Day, just a "Happy Valentine's Day sweetheart" with the kissy face. I said it back but he didn't say respond so I didn't trip. Then a few days on ago, on the 25th of all days, he told me he was gonna be 30 on Sunday. And to be honest, I wasn't even phased by it this time. I just thought, Huh...of course. He told me he has been down, work isn't going as well and he might be moving cuz he's so broke living out here in OC. He showed me his shiny white 4 series. He wanted me to come over, and I did, of course, cuz hey, he's Green Eyes. Same ol, same ol.
I hung out with Sally the next day. We were gonna take Sam to In-N-Out for her birthday. Can't believe my kid is 4. But she asked me, like she and all my other friends always ask me, "So, has the green eyed monster called?" I was just like, WUT. I gave her the guilty smile. "He did!" Haha. Then she follows up with, of course, the "So what are you guys now?" I shrugged, "Same as we always are. He calls, I come over, that's it." She shakes her head. I told her that me and him aren't gonna be forever, that I'm gonna move on with my life with or without him. She stops me, smiles, and says, "You just said 'When I move on.'" Dude. She made it seem like such a big deal but she's right. I mean, I know I have been stuck in the same place with Green Eyes for the last couple of months but this isn't it for me. I'm gonna graduate, get a job, find my tall white boy with green eyes and move on from all of this, with everything including him.
That night, he asked me if I wanted to hang out the next day and watch the UCLA game. That was a surprise. He hardly ever makes plans with me. Us hanging out is usually a spontaneous thing. He told me he would pick up some stuff after he got off of work to make dinner. That one made me smile. Things were casual when I got to his place after work. We watched the game and just chilled. He asked me while he was making dinner if I was OK with eating steak that night with it being a Friday during Lent and all. I thought it was kinda sweet he remembered I'm Catholic. I told him I would eat whatever he made. Silly boy messed up the steaks but I liked it anyway. It was the first time a boy made me dinner. We just hung out and watched TV for the rest of the evening. We got into things at one point. When we were done, he grabs a pair of shorts and t-shirt from his closet and hands them to me, like it was just a given I was gonna be spending the night there. It was nice being there with him.
Sally called me the next morning, "So are you driving home right now?" Haha. There was this one morning we were talking kinda early and she asked me what I was doing. "Driving home..." I said guiltily. There would have been only one place I would be driving home from early in the morning. Haha. I told her I was at work but I would be over later. When I was over there, Green Eyes texted me what was going on with him at work and they had sold 14 cars. "Look at you guys texting all casually." "Well it has only been 3 days after not talking for 2 months," I pointed out to her. She asked me if I had watched the UCLA game. I told her bout my Friday evening and stuff. I told her though, "I don't like it when he calls me 'Nancy.'" "You're getting over him." She said. I told her that when I woke up in the morning next to him I thought, "What the fuck was I thinking?!?!? He's not even that cute!" "You're wayyy getting over him."
She's right. I really am getting over Green Eyes. A few months ago, his texting me would send me into a frenzy. OMGOMGOMGOMG I would say as I pace around my room, not believing it. This time? The notification showed up on my computer and I hardly flinched. I knew it had to be something about his birthday. And when I walked to his door, my heart didn't race. I'm just so used to his bull that I don't really care anymore. I texted him "Happy 30th sweetie" on his birthday. He told me if his friend drops off weed for him that we would go to dinner after he got off work. I looked at my fone skeptically. I knew we weren't really gonna go. There would be two situations. First, if his friend dropped off weed, he would get too stoned to leave his place. Or if he friend didn't drop it off for him, he would have to drive to whatever place to go get it, get stoned there, then not make it back for dinner. I didn't hear from him. Again, I was unphased by his blowing me off. But I think to myself now, why do I like a guy who chooses pot over his girl? I am much better than that. And like what Sally pointed out what I said, When I move on...I'm not gonna lie, I had hoped he and I could have had a relationship but there is just no way that's gonna happen. And I'm just so over his shit. Yeah I fuck him, but it's not what I felt before for him. All those girly emotions from earlier this year? Mehhhhh. Fucking is just fucking and it's not even as good. He hasn't texted me? Mehhhhh. I get more texts from Walgreens than from him. Whatever. He can move back to Riverside into his mom's house cuz he's broke. ("Attractive" Sally said in her singsong voice when I told her this info.) He can smoke all the weed he wants. He can bitch and moan and do whatever the hell he wants and be stuck in his life. As for me? Yes I am gonna move on, just like I have with all the other things in my life. With school, with career, and, hell, even from my ex, I'm gonna move on. So the things with Green Eyes? No denying it. I was bummed for a while. But I'm gonna stop talking to him one day and I'm not gonna look back on him. He'll move back home, I won't see him, and I'm gonna live my life. I have so much more coming in the future. And all the things with Green Eyes will be another chapter.
I hung out with Sally the next day. We were gonna take Sam to In-N-Out for her birthday. Can't believe my kid is 4. But she asked me, like she and all my other friends always ask me, "So, has the green eyed monster called?" I was just like, WUT. I gave her the guilty smile. "He did!" Haha. Then she follows up with, of course, the "So what are you guys now?" I shrugged, "Same as we always are. He calls, I come over, that's it." She shakes her head. I told her that me and him aren't gonna be forever, that I'm gonna move on with my life with or without him. She stops me, smiles, and says, "You just said 'When I move on.'" Dude. She made it seem like such a big deal but she's right. I mean, I know I have been stuck in the same place with Green Eyes for the last couple of months but this isn't it for me. I'm gonna graduate, get a job, find my tall white boy with green eyes and move on from all of this, with everything including him.
That night, he asked me if I wanted to hang out the next day and watch the UCLA game. That was a surprise. He hardly ever makes plans with me. Us hanging out is usually a spontaneous thing. He told me he would pick up some stuff after he got off of work to make dinner. That one made me smile. Things were casual when I got to his place after work. We watched the game and just chilled. He asked me while he was making dinner if I was OK with eating steak that night with it being a Friday during Lent and all. I thought it was kinda sweet he remembered I'm Catholic. I told him I would eat whatever he made. Silly boy messed up the steaks but I liked it anyway. It was the first time a boy made me dinner. We just hung out and watched TV for the rest of the evening. We got into things at one point. When we were done, he grabs a pair of shorts and t-shirt from his closet and hands them to me, like it was just a given I was gonna be spending the night there. It was nice being there with him.
Sally called me the next morning, "So are you driving home right now?" Haha. There was this one morning we were talking kinda early and she asked me what I was doing. "Driving home..." I said guiltily. There would have been only one place I would be driving home from early in the morning. Haha. I told her I was at work but I would be over later. When I was over there, Green Eyes texted me what was going on with him at work and they had sold 14 cars. "Look at you guys texting all casually." "Well it has only been 3 days after not talking for 2 months," I pointed out to her. She asked me if I had watched the UCLA game. I told her bout my Friday evening and stuff. I told her though, "I don't like it when he calls me 'Nancy.'" "You're getting over him." She said. I told her that when I woke up in the morning next to him I thought, "What the fuck was I thinking?!?!? He's not even that cute!" "You're wayyy getting over him."
She's right. I really am getting over Green Eyes. A few months ago, his texting me would send me into a frenzy. OMGOMGOMGOMG I would say as I pace around my room, not believing it. This time? The notification showed up on my computer and I hardly flinched. I knew it had to be something about his birthday. And when I walked to his door, my heart didn't race. I'm just so used to his bull that I don't really care anymore. I texted him "Happy 30th sweetie" on his birthday. He told me if his friend drops off weed for him that we would go to dinner after he got off work. I looked at my fone skeptically. I knew we weren't really gonna go. There would be two situations. First, if his friend dropped off weed, he would get too stoned to leave his place. Or if he friend didn't drop it off for him, he would have to drive to whatever place to go get it, get stoned there, then not make it back for dinner. I didn't hear from him. Again, I was unphased by his blowing me off. But I think to myself now, why do I like a guy who chooses pot over his girl? I am much better than that. And like what Sally pointed out what I said, When I move on...I'm not gonna lie, I had hoped he and I could have had a relationship but there is just no way that's gonna happen. And I'm just so over his shit. Yeah I fuck him, but it's not what I felt before for him. All those girly emotions from earlier this year? Mehhhhh. Fucking is just fucking and it's not even as good. He hasn't texted me? Mehhhhh. I get more texts from Walgreens than from him. Whatever. He can move back to Riverside into his mom's house cuz he's broke. ("Attractive" Sally said in her singsong voice when I told her this info.) He can smoke all the weed he wants. He can bitch and moan and do whatever the hell he wants and be stuck in his life. As for me? Yes I am gonna move on, just like I have with all the other things in my life. With school, with career, and, hell, even from my ex, I'm gonna move on. So the things with Green Eyes? No denying it. I was bummed for a while. But I'm gonna stop talking to him one day and I'm not gonna look back on him. He'll move back home, I won't see him, and I'm gonna live my life. I have so much more coming in the future. And all the things with Green Eyes will be another chapter.