The L Word

[miss_molly_sue]

I'm watching a show mostly about lesbiens. One of them finds herself distancing herself from everything resembling a relationship and anything thats real. I think she spent so long not caring that she forgot how to anymore. Then, when something real came along in the form of a beautiful woman who genuinely cares for her, one who doesn't just want to screw her and go...she runs. She blocks out everything and pretends not to care, when inside she's dying. I dont know if I feel her or not. Sometimes I feel like I dont feel anything, but the truth is- I'm so raw with emotions sometimes that it's intolerable. The fact that I feel is completely understandable because I am indeed human. The problem is that I only have a tendency to express what I'm really feeling when I'm drunk. I sat in my car last night and I cried. I cried because only when the depressing agents of the alchohol seeps into my system do I feel the emptiness of my father in my chest. I dont think that it's a concious thing that I'm doing. I dont manually push all my pain below the surface. I'm not trying to be that girl that everyone knows is dying inside but acts okay on the outside. I dont mean to be like that. I just plain dont feel sad most of the time. I dont wake up missing my dad. It's just certain times that my heart hurts and I can never predict the next time I will feel like this again. I cant predict anything in my life really. I can't see where I'm going to live or if I'm going to be together and okay. I wish I could have some sort of crystal ball that would tell me to hold on and out because something amazing is coming my way. I want to be know that I will find something that completes me one day. Knowing that something worth waiting for is there, would make me endure these days and nights where I'm uncertain which way is up or down.
I just need help I guess. A little something great.