Le sigh
I started taking SAMe a little over a week ago... my doctor brought it up awhile ago but I know there are conflicting reports on efficacy of improving depression. Haley started taking it at the beginning of the month, along with a bunch of other supplements, and she reported really "feeling" it in her system and freaking out and not liking that it made her feel different. I thought it would be interesting to take for comparison.
So far what I've noticed is that I appear to be MORE depressed since beginning to take it. Interestingly, SAMe can increase symptoms of mania in people who have bipolar disorder. I mean, I can't conclusively say that the SAMe is what's making me feel worse. I just don't feel any *better* at this point. Although I do kind of pendulum more than I used to. For example, this morning at Parkway I was actually in a really good mood. Kids were just being funny and adorable and cute and I remembered why I fucking LOVE middle school kids.
Then I got into an argument with the ELL lady at Nokomis and normally I don't get so mad but she was really pissing me off. I hate that it's hard for me to explain or articulate WHY I don't think this particular student needs special ed services - at least in the moment, I know I sent a really good explanation via email a few months ago - HOWEVER, he only receives LANGUAGE services and he's NOT on my caseload so I got pretty heated that this lady was coming at me asking for "numbers and data" when he's not even my kid!!! Also why the hell did she ask me for his IQ when she should KNOW that we don't take a formal IQ on non-native English speakers?? I just don't like her. She annoys me. I also deleted a bunch of really boring rant about testing and her being more of a bitch! So boring.
We met as Montessori staff on Friday to discuss "where we are at and where we want to go" with Montessori at Parkway. It became clear that we are not being taken seriously as a Montessori and we can't compete with OWL because they have a high school. It's this vision that's too big and we're not supported. We opened with a quick-write about what our dreams were when we started at Parkway. I couldn't wait for Kareem to speak, and he didn't disappoint - he told this analogy of the donkey who carried a load of salt across a river, and it melted away, so the next time his owner put wool on his back and he almost drowned. He said that it's "easier" this year because he's tired of fighting and would rather have the salt on his back. That for the last 4 years we've had wool on our backs and he would rather go home and be able to focus on his home life "and not going to Kinko's at 2am." Everyone else echoed that sentiment, but of course there are others who say we will always be fighting and they want to fight.
I'm tired. I don't want to fight anymore. Not when it's not just a hard fight, it's an impossible mountain. It's just a fact. I'm not being defeatist about it: someone or some people lied - whether it was just to us or to our old principal or both, we were lied to about the district's intentions and everyone is being let down. Tealie will definitely at least have offers before the end of the year. I'm waiting to see what Melissa says once she gets her budget... can she offer me full-time, or even .8 or .9?? But I'm looking elsewhere anyway, because even though elementary is in some ways a lot easier/calmer, I am, in my soul, a middle school/junior high teacher. 11-15 are just the best ages.
I hope think my depression is related to my unhappiness at my job. Historically speaking, this is the longest I've ever stayed in a position by far (4 years). The longest otherwise I've ever worked for a specific place was 2 years with People Inc. for mental health, but even with that I moved laterally within the company and worked for a different location after a year (though I probably would have stayed for awhile in the position I was in if my hours hadn't been eliminated and I was forced to apply to a different position that ended up being WAY better). Once I get that itch, it's impossible to ignore.
And I started writing this before I left for the day, and now I'm home and I think I got my final sign:
We as a staff are literally getting point sheets, basically. Click for a better view. But it is micromanaging to the extreme. This kind of thing makes me immediately say I'M OUT.
I've been taking a LOT of depression naps lately (no energy) and doing a lot of moping. I'm probably also depressed because of my knee problems and as a result I haven't been active in a month. I have an appointment with the orthopedist on Thursday.
So far what I've noticed is that I appear to be MORE depressed since beginning to take it. Interestingly, SAMe can increase symptoms of mania in people who have bipolar disorder. I mean, I can't conclusively say that the SAMe is what's making me feel worse. I just don't feel any *better* at this point. Although I do kind of pendulum more than I used to. For example, this morning at Parkway I was actually in a really good mood. Kids were just being funny and adorable and cute and I remembered why I fucking LOVE middle school kids.
Then I got into an argument with the ELL lady at Nokomis and normally I don't get so mad but she was really pissing me off. I hate that it's hard for me to explain or articulate WHY I don't think this particular student needs special ed services - at least in the moment, I know I sent a really good explanation via email a few months ago - HOWEVER, he only receives LANGUAGE services and he's NOT on my caseload so I got pretty heated that this lady was coming at me asking for "numbers and data" when he's not even my kid!!! Also why the hell did she ask me for his IQ when she should KNOW that we don't take a formal IQ on non-native English speakers?? I just don't like her. She annoys me. I also deleted a bunch of really boring rant about testing and her being more of a bitch! So boring.
We met as Montessori staff on Friday to discuss "where we are at and where we want to go" with Montessori at Parkway. It became clear that we are not being taken seriously as a Montessori and we can't compete with OWL because they have a high school. It's this vision that's too big and we're not supported. We opened with a quick-write about what our dreams were when we started at Parkway. I couldn't wait for Kareem to speak, and he didn't disappoint - he told this analogy of the donkey who carried a load of salt across a river, and it melted away, so the next time his owner put wool on his back and he almost drowned. He said that it's "easier" this year because he's tired of fighting and would rather have the salt on his back. That for the last 4 years we've had wool on our backs and he would rather go home and be able to focus on his home life "and not going to Kinko's at 2am." Everyone else echoed that sentiment, but of course there are others who say we will always be fighting and they want to fight.
I'm tired. I don't want to fight anymore. Not when it's not just a hard fight, it's an impossible mountain. It's just a fact. I'm not being defeatist about it: someone or some people lied - whether it was just to us or to our old principal or both, we were lied to about the district's intentions and everyone is being let down. Tealie will definitely at least have offers before the end of the year. I'm waiting to see what Melissa says once she gets her budget... can she offer me full-time, or even .8 or .9?? But I'm looking elsewhere anyway, because even though elementary is in some ways a lot easier/calmer, I am, in my soul, a middle school/junior high teacher. 11-15 are just the best ages.
I hope think my depression is related to my unhappiness at my job. Historically speaking, this is the longest I've ever stayed in a position by far (4 years). The longest otherwise I've ever worked for a specific place was 2 years with People Inc. for mental health, but even with that I moved laterally within the company and worked for a different location after a year (though I probably would have stayed for awhile in the position I was in if my hours hadn't been eliminated and I was forced to apply to a different position that ended up being WAY better). Once I get that itch, it's impossible to ignore.
And I started writing this before I left for the day, and now I'm home and I think I got my final sign:
We as a staff are literally getting point sheets, basically. Click for a better view. But it is micromanaging to the extreme. This kind of thing makes me immediately say I'M OUT.
I've been taking a LOT of depression naps lately (no energy) and doing a lot of moping. I'm probably also depressed because of my knee problems and as a result I haven't been active in a month. I have an appointment with the orthopedist on Thursday.