(no subject)
hmm. life changes in ways that i didnt even think was possible. and they changed for the worst so quickly.
the magic number was 3. 3 effin lines. thats all it took to fuck my relationships up. why? i dont understand. and for what? it didnt give me much satisfaction. only 30 minutes of euphoria each time. but the more i did, the more i needed it, and more i needed it, the less i saw the hole i was diggin myself get bigger and bigger.
i lost good friends. gained a few "good" ones. my mom thinks they arent good people. that behind all the drugs and whatnot, they are horrible people that dont have any compassion or a fucking care in the world. these people arent brianna. or fuckin ashley. they look out for me so that i wont fuck myself up again. they get mad when i say i wanna sniff a little. and for former drug users? thats a huge turning point-- to me anyways.
after everything came out in the open, i kept saying how much i wanted my friends that didnt use to intervene and give a total intervention. but how could they do that if i hiding how much i used and when i did and whom i did it with.
i get it. im an addict. im a liar and no one can believe a word i say.
i want to go back to my life 4 months ago. but something is holding me back. maybe its the guilt i have. i completely dropped my best friends to go get high. again, for what? ive never felt so alive these past 3 months, but ive never felt so fucking alone either. drugs are a trippy thing and i advise all of you to never dibbledabble with them. not even to try. because your one try could lead to months of fucking sniffing, lying, stealing, manipulating. things you thought you'd never become.
its not even worth it. sure, you can live life. but where do you draw the line. dont push yourself too hard buddy. you'll end up in a place i'd like to call hell. well not exactly hell. but if you ruin all good relationships and cant really call anyone, thats when you feel like youre in hell. talk to me. i'll tell you how it feels.
i dont know man. it comes down to your friends too. true friends dont offer or hook up drugs. (other than mary jane). i fucking gave my own flesh and blood a line. how fucked up is that. very, if you didnt know.
can you forgive someone who dropped you and you couldnt stop them? to try and go back to the old days? ehh. its harder than you think.
i cant just call up lindsey, or kaylee or whoever and kick it cause its so fuckin awkward. like what am i supposed to say? hey. i did cocaine for 3 months and didnt talk to you. sorry. lets pick up where we left off!
no, im afraid it doesnt work like that. i wish it did, but it doesnt. its all about effort though. if you're willing, i'm willing too.
i hate the person ive become. yeah, im the same ol dim. but dumber, flakey, moody. i hate myself most for avoiding my family. and not helping out whenever i can. family should come first. and again, i wasnt using my head! think lisa. think.
out of all this bullshit, hanging out with monika hasnt always been a downfall. cause of her, i met a ....special? boy.
i dont wanna jinx anything by writing anything in here. so, no soup for you!
all in all, my life is kinda on the ups but also on the downs. its a huge fuckin rollercoaster and i need stability.
a new life.
a new environment.
a new me.
and when i say new me, i mean the old happy dim.
i wanna be high on life!! haha.
not fuckin high on coke.
mmmmm NO THANKS.
yeah. i just needed to pour my heart out.
meh.