(no subject)
When I get sick, I find that I am so incredibly critical of myself. I notice how my life is different from the lives of others I know. As Maya and Laurel talked to each other and me from the hot tub, I could not excuse the slight sense of longing for a bit more flexibility. I have to be incredibly careful when I am sick. When we got back to mayas room (and were looking at old year books, which was INCREDIBLY fun), my nose started to run uncontrollably. It is uncanny how my body goes nuts when any little thing is wrong with it. I have pink eye because a camper yesterday coughed in my face. This evening, I can feel my sinuses clogging up as my head above the eye swells painfully. The dull sense of burning is starting to retire where my retina is, but when I drive, the pain resumes.
I cant understand why my soul wanders so when I get sick. I feel lost even when I have it all. At the time in my life when I should feel as free as ever, as strong and lively, rebellious and creative, I find myself holding back. I play it safe. I am careful. I am predictable. I fear so many small things that I prevent myself from acting in response to the concern. There is much to be feared in my life.
I feel empty inside. Despite knowing that I have brilliant, beautiful, kind, caring, vastly diverse friends, I feel very alone and helpless. I cant stop the physical. I feel overwhelmingly out of control when I get sick. Probably because I ate almost nothing today. I ate a tablespoon of granola and half a sandwich. I nearly threw up 3 times today. I don’t know whats wrong.
I worry that in the future, I will always feel this way. Will I always be so timid? Should I just take the risks? I need time to push things out of my mind and chew them over, but I need to make a decision in 2 seconds. The world is an insensitive place.
I realized the other day, that I am working two jobs for a reason I hadn’t thought about. Not simply for the money because I plan to get an internship, plus I want to save for my car, but also because I need the proof. I need to know I can do something hard. I need to prove to myself that I have the stamina and discipline to take on a big task and succeed. Its nights like tonight when I feel beaten. I feel like I have failed. I feel like I will always fail.
There are so many good things in my life. There are so many strong points I know I have. They just seem invisible. They waste away while I concentrate on my shortcomings. Today, someone told me he thought I was attractive. I wish I thought the same about myself. On occasion, I do. But for the majority, especially with an eye swollen and bloodshot, I do not. I know I exude confidence, but is it possible it is just a façade I am really good at? I am very confident most of the time, but is the confidence just a mask I wear?
Tonight, I relived several memories I wish I could forget. As a kid, lots of people taught me lots of important lessons. It is a shame that I allowed their unkindness to affect me so negatively for so long. I would probably do it the same if it happened now, but its still rather upsetting. I allowed myself to completely shut down in the years I was most carefree. I wish I were still that easygoing. I long to revisit that time.
I wish I were healthy and normal. I wish I could just land it and stick it and hold my leg out for 5 seconds and have the jump completed for all to see. I want completion. Completion to something. Something successful. I need a pick me up.
I feel like my head is molding.
I cant understand why my soul wanders so when I get sick. I feel lost even when I have it all. At the time in my life when I should feel as free as ever, as strong and lively, rebellious and creative, I find myself holding back. I play it safe. I am careful. I am predictable. I fear so many small things that I prevent myself from acting in response to the concern. There is much to be feared in my life.
I feel empty inside. Despite knowing that I have brilliant, beautiful, kind, caring, vastly diverse friends, I feel very alone and helpless. I cant stop the physical. I feel overwhelmingly out of control when I get sick. Probably because I ate almost nothing today. I ate a tablespoon of granola and half a sandwich. I nearly threw up 3 times today. I don’t know whats wrong.
I worry that in the future, I will always feel this way. Will I always be so timid? Should I just take the risks? I need time to push things out of my mind and chew them over, but I need to make a decision in 2 seconds. The world is an insensitive place.
I realized the other day, that I am working two jobs for a reason I hadn’t thought about. Not simply for the money because I plan to get an internship, plus I want to save for my car, but also because I need the proof. I need to know I can do something hard. I need to prove to myself that I have the stamina and discipline to take on a big task and succeed. Its nights like tonight when I feel beaten. I feel like I have failed. I feel like I will always fail.
There are so many good things in my life. There are so many strong points I know I have. They just seem invisible. They waste away while I concentrate on my shortcomings. Today, someone told me he thought I was attractive. I wish I thought the same about myself. On occasion, I do. But for the majority, especially with an eye swollen and bloodshot, I do not. I know I exude confidence, but is it possible it is just a façade I am really good at? I am very confident most of the time, but is the confidence just a mask I wear?
Tonight, I relived several memories I wish I could forget. As a kid, lots of people taught me lots of important lessons. It is a shame that I allowed their unkindness to affect me so negatively for so long. I would probably do it the same if it happened now, but its still rather upsetting. I allowed myself to completely shut down in the years I was most carefree. I wish I were still that easygoing. I long to revisit that time.
I wish I were healthy and normal. I wish I could just land it and stick it and hold my leg out for 5 seconds and have the jump completed for all to see. I want completion. Completion to something. Something successful. I need a pick me up.
I feel like my head is molding.