So Much Shit to Get off my Chest
- My bath ball washy thing totally fell apart this morning
- Glen was randomly on MSN when I signed on so I am talking to him right now and it is stressing me out. I have so much anger towards him right now and I'm pretty sure it's coming out in cold ways right now. I don't feel bad. I should sign off but I want to talk to others should they come online. I am close to tears of...of what...stress? anger? sadness? confusion? frustration? hatred? love? I really was not ready to talk to him.
- In fact, I often don't want to talk to anybody. In the last 2 days I've found myself being talked to left right and centre but I just dont' want to talk. Or I do but...oh I don't know what. There is so much opportunity here for me to hang out with people but I just haven't gone there you know? I dunno. I'm sort of lonely but I think I also hate people right now. Last night this guy asked me out and he was cool enough, some things about him that I didn't like or that annoyed me though and I said no. Two things about this. 1) No matter what I had said I probably would have gone home and worried about it afterwards. I worry about my choices too much. The fact is, I did the best thing. But then I think...I should have said "let's just be friends"...then I'd have a friend. 2) I'm glad I said no. Lately I've been trying to acknowledge when I feel odd in a situation. Last night I did and I got out of it. I'm proud of myself.
- I go through the weirdest moods. At one point I will be so high on life, at another so down. It's driving me a little nuts.
- I am noticing how different it is to be alone. It's not so much that I do different things, I really don't. It's just...I don't feel like I *have* to do anything. Not that I mind doing things my friends ask me to do. I also leave things when I want, go there when I want. I kind of like being alone but...
- I don't. It's making me self-conscious. I think I need to be able to put myself in context (thanks Paula) with other people. I like myself when I'm alone but I wonder always what other people are thinking. When I'm with my friends I never worry about this.
- I made out with a girl the other night. She is at the same conference thingy as Adam and she was all hitting on me and stuff. She didn't ask me if I wanted to dance, she just started dancing with me. The thing is, when that kind of thing happens I just don't know how to make it stop. It wasn't like I was fully turned off, I just wanted to be hanging with Adam. And she kept asking me if I wanted her to stop and I just kind of shrugged. This is what I'm talking about when I say I can't express myself in sexually tense situations. I feel bad saying no. How much can I blame this on my relationship with Ryan and the fact that he used to guilt trip me for not wanting to do stuff with him? How much do I blame it on the fact that my parents never let me express myself when I didn't agree with them? And how much do I blame myself. I know it is my responsibility to change this. I think I should seek counselling for the Ryan thing, even though it is years later. I'm hanging out with Adam again tonight and Amy will be there and will expect that I still want to do that but the question is...will I be able to say no. We'll see. I think I don't so much like the ladies anymore, or else it has to be a really special girl. No...I think I just don't like women like that.
- I am trying to finally come to terms with my illnesses. I am making a real effort not to eat wheat and I am going to start taking my lupus pills again as soon as I find my pill case. Apparently I can maybe stop being allergic to the sun if I take those pills for several months. I like this idea. Then I can tan.
- There are many areas of my personality that I want to tackle and try to change this summer. Here is a list of things I want to do this summer.
1) Start taking lupus pills
2) get a fucking job
3) stop eating/drinking wheat
4) rollerblade
5) learn about world's religions
6) whittle more
7) dance
8) work on knowing my feelings and being able to confidently express them, even if this means hurting people sometimes
9) do yoga
10) be more outgoing...talk to more people (and have grass fights)
11) learn to trust my insticts and not second-guess myself
I think that's most of what I wanted to get out. Tonight I'm going to see Huxley Workman and some other indie bands. Shall be fun.
- Glen was randomly on MSN when I signed on so I am talking to him right now and it is stressing me out. I have so much anger towards him right now and I'm pretty sure it's coming out in cold ways right now. I don't feel bad. I should sign off but I want to talk to others should they come online. I am close to tears of...of what...stress? anger? sadness? confusion? frustration? hatred? love? I really was not ready to talk to him.
- In fact, I often don't want to talk to anybody. In the last 2 days I've found myself being talked to left right and centre but I just dont' want to talk. Or I do but...oh I don't know what. There is so much opportunity here for me to hang out with people but I just haven't gone there you know? I dunno. I'm sort of lonely but I think I also hate people right now. Last night this guy asked me out and he was cool enough, some things about him that I didn't like or that annoyed me though and I said no. Two things about this. 1) No matter what I had said I probably would have gone home and worried about it afterwards. I worry about my choices too much. The fact is, I did the best thing. But then I think...I should have said "let's just be friends"...then I'd have a friend. 2) I'm glad I said no. Lately I've been trying to acknowledge when I feel odd in a situation. Last night I did and I got out of it. I'm proud of myself.
- I go through the weirdest moods. At one point I will be so high on life, at another so down. It's driving me a little nuts.
- I am noticing how different it is to be alone. It's not so much that I do different things, I really don't. It's just...I don't feel like I *have* to do anything. Not that I mind doing things my friends ask me to do. I also leave things when I want, go there when I want. I kind of like being alone but...
- I don't. It's making me self-conscious. I think I need to be able to put myself in context (thanks Paula) with other people. I like myself when I'm alone but I wonder always what other people are thinking. When I'm with my friends I never worry about this.
- I made out with a girl the other night. She is at the same conference thingy as Adam and she was all hitting on me and stuff. She didn't ask me if I wanted to dance, she just started dancing with me. The thing is, when that kind of thing happens I just don't know how to make it stop. It wasn't like I was fully turned off, I just wanted to be hanging with Adam. And she kept asking me if I wanted her to stop and I just kind of shrugged. This is what I'm talking about when I say I can't express myself in sexually tense situations. I feel bad saying no. How much can I blame this on my relationship with Ryan and the fact that he used to guilt trip me for not wanting to do stuff with him? How much do I blame it on the fact that my parents never let me express myself when I didn't agree with them? And how much do I blame myself. I know it is my responsibility to change this. I think I should seek counselling for the Ryan thing, even though it is years later. I'm hanging out with Adam again tonight and Amy will be there and will expect that I still want to do that but the question is...will I be able to say no. We'll see. I think I don't so much like the ladies anymore, or else it has to be a really special girl. No...I think I just don't like women like that.
- I am trying to finally come to terms with my illnesses. I am making a real effort not to eat wheat and I am going to start taking my lupus pills again as soon as I find my pill case. Apparently I can maybe stop being allergic to the sun if I take those pills for several months. I like this idea. Then I can tan.
- There are many areas of my personality that I want to tackle and try to change this summer. Here is a list of things I want to do this summer.
1) Start taking lupus pills
2) get a fucking job
3) stop eating/drinking wheat
4) rollerblade
5) learn about world's religions
6) whittle more
7) dance
8) work on knowing my feelings and being able to confidently express them, even if this means hurting people sometimes
9) do yoga
10) be more outgoing...talk to more people (and have grass fights)
11) learn to trust my insticts and not second-guess myself
I think that's most of what I wanted to get out. Tonight I'm going to see Huxley Workman and some other indie bands. Shall be fun.