Still battling
Last night I had a meeting at the gym I joined. It was a health/fitness assessment. I'm taking it all with a grain of salt. They said no running, be careful of the kick boxing classes, watch out for the yoga, stick to walking and light weights. *sigh*. Grain of salt. I've heard it, and considered it, and now I will continue to do what I think my body can handle and I will listen to my body. Yes I know how many pounds of pressure is put through my body running, but it also gets me out of my head and stops me from thinking, gets some of the images that I am sometimes still bombarded with out of my head. So I am not going to stop. I will listen to my body and when things start to ache, or things don't feel right I will stop and tend to what needs tending to.
And no, I am not buying into a year's worth of personal training. Yes I'm sure it will do wonders to get me to my goal, but I don't want someone following me around watching me. I want to be alone in a sea of people right now. If I feel like talking to people I will, I will take a class. If I want to put in head phones and tune out the world I will, I don't want to be obligated to interact with a stranger right now. And it is not in the budget right now. So no personal training. Not even the free one, because there is just going to be more pressure after that one to buy a package. I do have an idea of what to do and how to do it. It works for some, and that is great, it isn't for me.
I made dinner last night. I went grocery shopping on the weekend and bought things that require cooking, not just nuking like pizza pockets, or some such garbage. And I cooked. It is the first time. It felt weird. One little hamburger and some spinach on a tiny plate, all by my self. but I did it. Who would have thought cooking dinner would be such an emotional thing. I cook breakfast for myself every morning. But dinner has been harder, more emotional.
I'm so tired all the time. I've started turning the tv off in the evening. I've become more comfortable in the quiet. I never thought that would happen. And started reading again at night. I'm falling asleep earlier. But I'm still having a hard time getting up in the morning. I'm wondering if it is time to start weaning off the sleeping pills. If they are making it hard to get up in the morning. I am hoping at this point the nightmares are something that would be past me now. I see my Dr. the first week of August. I have a few things to talk to him about. Headaches making a comeback, even with upping my meds, and the rest of the meds I started in February. Maybe it's time to start evaluating how much of them I need now.
Work still sucks. S2 still expects me to fix all of the management woes that exist in the office. They are systemic. They have grown as the office has grown, and the partner's haven't realized that there is a problem. We are at the point we need an office manager, but that won't happen, not with S1 having just taken on payroll and accounts payable. Those are office manager jobs. And they won't take those from her. So what is left for an office manager to do? And I think an office manager will be resented at this point, but they need someone to come in and unite the partners, managers, admin, and staff and be a point of contact and a human resource for all of them. But I don't think that is going to happen without a huge reorg, and a lot of butthurt feelings.
So I keep putting my mask on. Keep repairing the cracks every night, hoping it won't crack again the next day. And as soon as I get to my car at the end of the day let it fall to the ground and fall apart.
And no, I am not buying into a year's worth of personal training. Yes I'm sure it will do wonders to get me to my goal, but I don't want someone following me around watching me. I want to be alone in a sea of people right now. If I feel like talking to people I will, I will take a class. If I want to put in head phones and tune out the world I will, I don't want to be obligated to interact with a stranger right now. And it is not in the budget right now. So no personal training. Not even the free one, because there is just going to be more pressure after that one to buy a package. I do have an idea of what to do and how to do it. It works for some, and that is great, it isn't for me.
I made dinner last night. I went grocery shopping on the weekend and bought things that require cooking, not just nuking like pizza pockets, or some such garbage. And I cooked. It is the first time. It felt weird. One little hamburger and some spinach on a tiny plate, all by my self. but I did it. Who would have thought cooking dinner would be such an emotional thing. I cook breakfast for myself every morning. But dinner has been harder, more emotional.
I'm so tired all the time. I've started turning the tv off in the evening. I've become more comfortable in the quiet. I never thought that would happen. And started reading again at night. I'm falling asleep earlier. But I'm still having a hard time getting up in the morning. I'm wondering if it is time to start weaning off the sleeping pills. If they are making it hard to get up in the morning. I am hoping at this point the nightmares are something that would be past me now. I see my Dr. the first week of August. I have a few things to talk to him about. Headaches making a comeback, even with upping my meds, and the rest of the meds I started in February. Maybe it's time to start evaluating how much of them I need now.
Work still sucks. S2 still expects me to fix all of the management woes that exist in the office. They are systemic. They have grown as the office has grown, and the partner's haven't realized that there is a problem. We are at the point we need an office manager, but that won't happen, not with S1 having just taken on payroll and accounts payable. Those are office manager jobs. And they won't take those from her. So what is left for an office manager to do? And I think an office manager will be resented at this point, but they need someone to come in and unite the partners, managers, admin, and staff and be a point of contact and a human resource for all of them. But I don't think that is going to happen without a huge reorg, and a lot of butthurt feelings.
So I keep putting my mask on. Keep repairing the cracks every night, hoping it won't crack again the next day. And as soon as I get to my car at the end of the day let it fall to the ground and fall apart.