Do you know what I hate...
Do you know what emotion I really, really, really hate... jealousy. I seriously think that of all the emotions that is the one that I hate the absolute fucking most. Because jealousy is a mix of all these other feelings;
-Insecurity
-Regret
-Self Pity
-Self Doubt
-Nauseous
-Remorse
-Anger
And when all those collide, I'm stuck with a the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach. And that feeling travels from my stomach immediately up to my heart and then it drills right through it.
Of all the feelings I just listed above, the ones that stand out and suck the most are Self Pity and Self Doubt. Pity because I sometimes get that childish, annoying habit of feeling sorry myself in certain situations. And Self Doubt because when the Pity kicks in the next thing I think is either "I can never have that," "I will never have that," "I will never get to experience that," "Why can't that be me?,"I could have done this," "I could have done that," "I should have done this," "I should have done that..." Or something along those lines.
Right now I'm also hating how much I have to think about things. Why do I have to be like that???? I hate how I have to analyze and analyze and analyze, it drives me up the fuckin wall. I mean I like how I have the ability to analyze situations when needed, and I love how I thoroughly think things through before making any irratic decisions. But sometimes enough is enough. Sometimes being an intellectual sucks and I want to smack myself in the face because I can't stop my brain from thinking.
Sometimes I just wanna tell myself "Vanessa shut the fuck up!"
And I don't mean that in a funny way, so if you're laughing then you shouldn't be. I mean that in a serious way, as in I need to just stop thinking all the time. Not in the sense that I need to stop thinking before I act, cause I could never do that and I would never want to stop being smart before I make a decision. What I mean is I wish I could have the ability to stop my mind from analyzing things that don't necessarily need analyzing. I sometimes wish I wasn't such a deep thinker.(thank God I don't have a boyfriend & thank God I don't have an x-boyfriend that I miss otherwise the thoughts would be more painful.)
Especially at night time. Thats when it's the worse. When you're sitting at home at night with nothing to do but lounge around the house...that's when all these thoughts come swarming in. And it's in those moments when I can't control the thoughts; I can't control what I'm thinking and I can't think of how to stop it.
Yea, its one of those nights.
-Insecurity
-Regret
-Self Pity
-Self Doubt
-Nauseous
-Remorse
-Anger
And when all those collide, I'm stuck with a the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach. And that feeling travels from my stomach immediately up to my heart and then it drills right through it.
Of all the feelings I just listed above, the ones that stand out and suck the most are Self Pity and Self Doubt. Pity because I sometimes get that childish, annoying habit of feeling sorry myself in certain situations. And Self Doubt because when the Pity kicks in the next thing I think is either "I can never have that," "I will never have that," "I will never get to experience that," "Why can't that be me?,"I could have done this," "I could have done that," "I should have done this," "I should have done that..." Or something along those lines.
Right now I'm also hating how much I have to think about things. Why do I have to be like that???? I hate how I have to analyze and analyze and analyze, it drives me up the fuckin wall. I mean I like how I have the ability to analyze situations when needed, and I love how I thoroughly think things through before making any irratic decisions. But sometimes enough is enough. Sometimes being an intellectual sucks and I want to smack myself in the face because I can't stop my brain from thinking.
Sometimes I just wanna tell myself "Vanessa shut the fuck up!"
And I don't mean that in a funny way, so if you're laughing then you shouldn't be. I mean that in a serious way, as in I need to just stop thinking all the time. Not in the sense that I need to stop thinking before I act, cause I could never do that and I would never want to stop being smart before I make a decision. What I mean is I wish I could have the ability to stop my mind from analyzing things that don't necessarily need analyzing. I sometimes wish I wasn't such a deep thinker.(thank God I don't have a boyfriend & thank God I don't have an x-boyfriend that I miss otherwise the thoughts would be more painful.)
Especially at night time. Thats when it's the worse. When you're sitting at home at night with nothing to do but lounge around the house...that's when all these thoughts come swarming in. And it's in those moments when I can't control the thoughts; I can't control what I'm thinking and I can't think of how to stop it.
Yea, its one of those nights.